Re: What The Heck?!?!?!
Well I thought I had run out of things to say, but on my way to work something occurred to me that I feel like sharing with you presently.
I think that a small ritual would be in place for you now. You don’t have to have any special belief. Just do it and draw the potential benefits from it.
You might want an altar for that. It doesn’t have to be a real altar; a small table or desk will do. Cover it with a piece of cloth (choose a colour that calms you down, maybe blue or grey) and lay on it symbols or representations of the four elements: fire (as a candle), earth (as a small pot of flowers or herbs), water (as a bowl of fresh water) and air (your thoughts). Find an adequate location for it in your home. Every night, before you go to bed, light the candle and say a little prayer to or think something positive about your mother. This may be difficult for you in the beginning, because there is so much anger. But you have to try, and I am sure that gradually you will manage it. It doesn’t have to be long: one or two minutes and just for as long as you feel comfortable with it. Then, for a question of safety, blow out the candle and go to sleep. Forget about it all during the day. But whenever she confronts you or something, say and do what has to be said and done, but also think about your little altar (an oasis), and possibly you will feel calmer and stronger.
The objective here is not to change your mother (thought this might happen as a side effect), but to give yourself some peace of mind.
Of course your family will be curious and make questions about it. You can tell them that you are now into meditation or that it is a vow you have made. Reassure them that it is nothing harmful nor witchcraft and ask them not to touch it: that is your place.
Actually, this altar is not essential, and if you think it will be problematic for you to set it up, drop it. The altar is in fact a tool to help you focus on your meditation. You can also picture it in your mind, if you are unable to build it for yourself. The important thing is for you to create this habit of meditating and trying thereby to acquire some peace of mind and mental clarity.
Think of your mother as yet another person suffering in the world, maybe because of her own ignorance. Maybe you can’t fix that, but you could try to look at it with more compassionate eyes. And make sure that you don’t have to suffer just like her yourself.
You don’t have anything to lose. See if this could have a meaning for you and implement it as best as you can.