Some of you may remember my post about mother daughter problems from a few days ago. Well if you dont understand this one, go back and find it and you will understand more. Lets go back over 9 years ago for a minute. I was a teen and I got mad at my dad and I wouldnt go and see him. He lived an hour away so it wasnt that hard, I just said I worked all the time and got out of it. Anyway, 2 months later he got murdered. I felt so guilty and beat myself up over not going to see him when I had the chance. I did this for years. I was just a kid then and I now realize it wasnt my fault and I thought I knew everything and I didnt know life could end in an instant.. Now back to the present. I dont go around my mom that much because of mental and emotional abuse she puts me through. Today I find out she is going around and saying she will get her vengence when she dies because she will be laughing from her grave because I will feel the same guilt and suffer like I did when dad died. What the hell kind of mother is that?? That was flat out wrong to say that. I love my mom and I will feel sad when she does die, but I am grown now and I know what I am doing. (or at least I hope) Why go around just to listen to her be negative about everything and everyone and put me down and make me feel like I am worth nothing. I stay away, because I dont think God expects me to keep going back for more. I am not just being a bratty teen like I was when dad died. I am trying to be the adult about all this and keep my kids from it and she has to go and say that!! What the hell is she thinking?????? Why is she saying these things? She is like an inmature teenager!! If she doesn't get her way, she trows a fit and talks about you behind you back. She is a two-faced backstabber. I know she is because I have seen her do it to lots of people. This is long enough.... please give me any inputs you have on this matter, and I appreciate you guys reading. I feel like this is the only place to vent my anger out.
Be thankful that you have a family of your own now and see to it that you will not repeat with your kids the same mistakes of your mother's relationship with you. You have that power and you should direct your energy into this.
Your mother is maybe a hopeless case. Let her words go into your left ear and out your other. That is, don't let her words be a priority in your life.
Do what needs to be done, but don't carry upon your shoulder a weight heavier than you can take.
Be kind but above all straightforward. Show her that you have your own limits and limitations.
Thank you, JC, I knew you would reply. You have such encouraging words for everyone. I got my answer, I can't fix her, and she has done it to herself. No matter how much she talks about me and how bad she makes me look, I don't care. I know the truth and she pushed me away. I am through with her. If she wants to see me and my kids, she can come to my house and visit them under my supervision. I will not let her mess their heads up too. It is my job to protect them and I will do everything in my power to do so. I am breaking the cycle!! And even though it is very hard, I am proud of myself for it! I am finished trying to get her to change, she will never change unless she does it herself. I have to distance myself for my sanity.
But one more question, how do I do Christmas and Thanksgiving? I guess I will cross that bridge when I get there.
Thanks, for your reply, Jose. Anyone else is welcome to put your opinions on this also!!
Well I thought I had run out of things to say, but on my way to work something occurred to me that I feel like sharing with you presently.
I think that a small ritual would be in place for you now. You don’t have to have any special belief. Just do it and draw the potential benefits from it.
You might want an altar for that. It doesn’t have to be a real altar; a small table or desk will do. Cover it with a piece of cloth (choose a colour that calms you down, maybe blue or grey) and lay on it symbols or representations of the four elements: fire (as a candle), earth (as a small pot of flowers or herbs), water (as a bowl of fresh water) and air (your thoughts). Find an adequate location for it in your home. Every night, before you go to bed, light the candle and say a little prayer to or think something positive about your mother. This may be difficult for you in the beginning, because there is so much anger. But you have to try, and I am sure that gradually you will manage it. It doesn’t have to be long: one or two minutes and just for as long as you feel comfortable with it. Then, for a question of safety, blow out the candle and go to sleep. Forget about it all during the day. But whenever she confronts you or something, say and do what has to be said and done, but also think about your little altar (an oasis), and possibly you will feel calmer and stronger.
The objective here is not to change your mother (thought this might happen as a side effect), but to give yourself some peace of mind.
Of course your family will be curious and make questions about it. You can tell them that you are now into meditation or that it is a vow you have made. Reassure them that it is nothing harmful nor witchcraft and ask them not to touch it: that is your place.
Actually, this altar is not essential, and if you think it will be problematic for you to set it up, drop it. The altar is in fact a tool to help you focus on your meditation. You can also picture it in your mind, if you are unable to build it for yourself. The important thing is for you to create this habit of meditating and trying thereby to acquire some peace of mind and mental clarity.
Think of your mother as yet another person suffering in the world, maybe because of her own ignorance. Maybe you can’t fix that, but you could try to look at it with more compassionate eyes. And make sure that you don’t have to suffer just like her yourself.
You don’t have anything to lose. See if this could have a meaning for you and implement it as best as you can.