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Old 10-23-2006, 07:38 PM   #1
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soulster HB User
friend question

I have a friendship question. A family friend as well as a good, long time friend of mine did something I dont really know what to make of. I always tell this friend pretty much everything going on in my life. Well, one day, she accidently emailed me an email she had written for someone else, who that person is I have no idea because she didnt put a name on it- but the email turned out to be about me and my husband... I guess not so much in a bad way, I think. She had written, to try to summarize it and get the main points across, that she thought my husband was acting strange and wierd for wanting to leave and move from the state we were currently in considering he had only been there for less then a month and that she didnt know if I would like that new state my husband wanted to move to... we were going to be moving to the urban part of that new state and so she was going on about and analyzing my personality to determine if I would like the city life and that maybe I was one of those people who would like it- the social scene- given the oppurtunity....
It was kinda weird seeing this as I guess she didnt really discuss my life with other people, I am assuming probably another good friend of hers.
I guess my question is, is this innapropriate of her to be doing, would you get upset, or is this okay?

Last edited by soulster; 10-23-2006 at 07:43 PM.

 
Old 10-23-2006, 08:04 PM   #2
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Re: friend question

LOL - that is one of my biggest fears, that I'll accidently send off an e-mail or text message to the wrong, wrong by a lot, person. Talk about embarrassing!

Your friend sounds basically harmless, yet a bit of a busybody. I know people like that, who just love to get into other people's business and analyze their situations with a fine tooth comb.

If this is really bothering you, maybe what you should do is forward the e-mail back to your friend and make some kind of pointed comment to alert her to the fact that you would appreciate it if she didn't talk about you to people that you don't know.

But overall, I don't think it is that huge of a deal. People talk about their friends to other friends all of the time.
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Old 10-24-2006, 09:07 AM   #3
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Re: friend question

Hey Thanks for responding. I guess my problem or just confusion with the situation is not that she was writing to another friend about me, but what she wrote in the email she never voiced to me ... like thinking my husband is being and acting crazy for wanting to move in such a short time and she never in the past analzed my behavior with me to determine if I would be the type of person who would like the city life- she would always say, you might like it- I have a couple of friends that live there that recently moved there and they really love it now... she is very sweet and very PC- in a very nice way- I quess you could say towards me and my husband so when she wrote all that it just took me by surprise.

Last edited by soulster; 10-24-2006 at 11:03 AM.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 03:01 PM   #4
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Re: friend question

Quote:
Originally Posted by soulster
I have a friendship question. A family friend as well as a good, long time friend of mine did something I dont really know what to make of. I always tell this friend pretty much everything going on in my life. Well, one day, she accidently emailed me an email she had written for someone else, who that person is I have no idea because she didnt put a name on it- but the email turned out to be about me and my husband... I guess not so much in a bad way, I think. She had written, to try to summarize it and get the main points across, that she thought my husband was acting strange and wierd for wanting to leave and move from the state we were currently in considering he had only been there for less then a month and that she didnt know if I would like that new state my husband wanted to move to... we were going to be moving to the urban part of that new state and so she was going on about and analyzing my personality to determine if I would like the city life and that maybe I was one of those people who would like it- the social scene- given the oppurtunity....
It was kinda weird seeing this as I guess she didnt really discuss my life with other people, I am assuming probably another good friend of hers.
I guess my question is, is this innapropriate of her to be doing, would you get upset, or is this okay?
That your "friend" inadvertently sent you this e-mail could be viewed as the Freudian slip of the electronic age!

Did you check if there were any more (hidden or not) recipients for this e-mail? Maybe you were not the only one.

If she is not a busybody, then she is at least rather inattentive.

As I am not updated with the current usage of American English, I am not sure if words such as "acting strange and weird" could be taken as slightly offensive, as if your husband were out of his mind. It's often difficult to know the exact tone of a written message, but all in all I think her attitude was rather strange and weird, to use the same terms.

I'm indeed questioning if she is an intimate friend of yours. Were she intimate and close, she would have no reason to avoid discussing those things with you, unless she knew you were very sensitive to them.

We have a saying here: "No matter what they talk about me, as long as they talk about me." On the one hand, you could feel that you are an important person (at least for this person), to the point that you were the stuff of one of her emails, maybe of more than one, who knows? On the other hand, I sense as if you think she broke into your privacity and somehow made you lose confidence in her.

It is not the end of the world. Of course people are talking about one another all the time, everywhere, but real friends have nothing to hide.

I think something has been broken here and I don't know if it can be mended. If you ever decide to bring up the issue with her, though, I think a phone call or a personal talk would be more adequate than sending the e-mail back to her (two wrongs do not make a right), but try to sound as good-humoured as possible.

Regards,

JC

Last edited by brazilman; 10-24-2006 at 03:02 PM.

 
Old 10-26-2006, 09:23 AM   #5
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soulster HB User
Re: friend question

Quote:
Originally Posted by José Carlos
That your "friend" inadvertently sent you this e-mail could be viewed as the Freudian slip of the electronic age!

Did you check if there were any more (hidden or not) recipients for this e-mail? Maybe you were not the only one.

If she is not a busybody, then she is at least rather inattentive.

As I am not updated with the current usage of American English, I am not sure if words such as "acting strange and weird" could be taken as slightly offensive, as if your husband were out of his mind. It's often difficult to know the exact tone of a written message, but all in all I think her attitude was rather strange and weird, to use the same terms.

I'm indeed questioning if she is an intimate friend of yours. Were she intimate and close, she would have no reason to avoid discussing those things with you, unless she knew you were very sensitive to them.

We have a saying here: "No matter what they talk about me, as long as they talk about me." On the one hand, you could feel that you are an important person (at least for this person), to the point that you were the stuff of one of her emails, maybe of more than one, who knows? On the other hand, I sense as if you think she broke into your privacity and somehow made you lose confidence in her.

It is not the end of the world. Of course people are talking about one another all the time, everywhere, but real friends have nothing to hide.

I think something has been broken here and I don't know if it can be mended. If you ever decide to bring up the issue with her, though, I think a phone call or a personal talk would be more adequate than sending the e-mail back to her (two wrongs do not make a right), but try to sound as good-humoured as possible.

Regards,

JC
Thanks JC... yes, I kinda felt a bit offended when she called my husband crazy, mostly because thats not the personality she reflects when she is around me... maybe its because she thinks I am a sensitive person. I dont know.

Last edited by soulster; 10-26-2006 at 09:24 AM.

 
Old 10-28-2006, 12:32 PM   #6
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soulster HB User
Re: friend question

Does anyone else have an opinion as to wether what my friend did would be considered offensive or not? I just dont know what to think of it, like if I am being overly sensitive?

 
Old 10-29-2006, 04:53 PM   #7
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soulster HB User
Re: friend question

Anyone? I just need some opinions, even though this might sound trivial, it just is on my mind and I dont know what to make of it? Thanks

 
Old 10-31-2006, 03:56 PM   #8
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Re: friend question

Anyone? I just need some opinions, even though this might sound trivial, it just is on my mind and I dont know what to make of it? Thanks...

 
Old 10-31-2006, 05:10 PM   #9
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brazilman HB User
Re: friend question

Quote:
Originally Posted by soulster
Anyone? I just need some opinions, even though this might sound trivial, it just is on my mind and I dont know what to make of it? Thanks...
Soulster:

Does your husband know about this incident? If so, what does he think about it? Knowing his position would help you make a decision.

Also, how frequent is your interaction with her these days? Did you ever talk to your "friend" after you were sent her revelative e-mail? How did it feel to you? Was she the same? What about you? Would you have the courage to bring up the issue with her and according to how authentic her reaction would feel to you, make the decision whether remain friends or break up?

Anyway, another idea would be to leave it on backburner and see how you feel towards her after six months or something.

Hope this helps you.

JC

 
Old 11-02-2006, 01:37 AM   #10
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Re: friend question

Hi Soulster

I personally think that she was just talking about you in a caring way. She is obvioulsy shocked and finds the situation of your husband wanting to move to another state so soon after moving to your present location, a bit weide.

To me it sounds like she didn't want to question you about his reasons and motives, for fear of rocking the boat, so has gone away to ask for someone elses opinion, and how they would view it.

Obviously she wasn't expecting for you to read it, and I certainly don't think she meant any offence towards your husband, just that she thought the moving on again so soon is a bit weide in itself.

You are obviously sensitive, but really she wasn't personal about your relationship in a rude way.

I wouldn't mention it to her, as it would only cause embarrassment for her.

Just see it as her being concerned for you, and her trying to make sense of something - a bit like you are now.


 
Old 11-02-2006, 02:02 AM   #11
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808Lion HB User
Re: friend question

based on what you've written, i don't see it as being THAT big of a deal...
but hey... that's just me...

in the end, it basically boils down to just how much the issue is bugging you...
if it's that big of a deal to YOU, and if it's that important to YOU, then by all means... have a conversation with her...
just because you decide to talk to her about it doesn't mean it's necessarily going to end up bad or become confrontational...
she might completely agree with your concern and see where you're coming from...
then again she might not...
but if she doesn't, and becomes argumentative about the matter, especially if you communicate the issue to her in a calm and respectful manner, well then maybe it's time to ask yourself just how good of a friend she is to you in the first place...

anyway...
my point being...
if it's going to be something that's going to continue to eat away at you, and therefore not allow you to enjoy the friendship anyway, then you might as well get it out in the open so you can more quickly put it in your past...

and btw...
sending the note back to her via e-mail with your own thoughts attached does NOT make it "2 wrongs" as was mentioned earlier...
sending her an e-mail with the original message attached is of course, a perfectly acceptable form of communication, although having a face to face might produce better results and will ensure that there is no confusion regarding context and tone...

just my $0.02... :-)

 
Old 11-02-2006, 05:34 AM   #12
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brazilman HB User
Re: friend question

Quote:
Originally Posted by 808Lion

....

and btw...
sending the note back to her via e-mail with your own thoughts attached does NOT make it "2 wrongs" as was mentioned earlier...
sending her an e-mail with the original message attached is of course, a perfectly acceptable form of communication, although having a face to face might produce better results and will ensure that there is no confusion regarding context and tone...

just my $0.02... :-)
I agree with you, 808lion. I think it would be a second mistake to send the note back without any comment at all. Anyway, many days have gone by now, and an e-mail at this point doesn't make much sense any more.

Indeed, as I see it, the main "problem" for soulster is not finding out whether she is being over-sensitive about this issue or not, whether she is over-reacting or not. I think the "problem" is about her hesitancy. She must make a decision and stick with it.

A more rational choice would be to forget about it all, go on with living and allow time to tell the truth. A more emotional response would be talking to her friend.

As I gather soulster is rather an emotional type, maybe it'd be better for her to put the cards on the table with her friend. What is she afraid of? Is this her only best friend? What is the problem if she loses one friend? It is better to lose a shaky friend than to keep a friend about whom you are not sure. Anyway, I think soulster could invite her friend over to tea or coffee or something and have it out with her. Maybe they will part, but maybe they will end their conversation with a hug and as better friends still.

Yes, I am afraid soulster has to make a decision now about what to do. This is the most important thing now, no matter if it is right or wrong.

Go ahead, soulster, cut the Gordian knot.

JC

 
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