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Old 10-24-2006, 09:24 AM   #1
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skittles42 HB User
Unhappy when and how will the pain go away?

I've posted on this board quite a while ago about some problems I was having with my boyfriend.. well now- he's my exboyfriend, being that he broke up with me a week ago. He cheated on me with his ex-g/f and I even caught him red-handed one weekend.. but he lied to me about it. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.. but for the two weeks following that- he was really grouchy and irritable all the time. Finally, I called him at work on a Friday and told him I was coming to his house- and we were talking about what is going on. He told me everything on a Friday. I stayed the rest of the weekend.. and left on Sunday.. got half way home.. turned around and went back. I told him I couldn't trust him and that I couldn't date him anymore. He was really upset and crying. I gave him another chance. He stopped talking to his ex, she kept calling but he wouldn't pick up the phone, one night he went to her dorm and gave her all her stuff back.. he was there for 5 minutes- we were on the phone the whole time. Things were good for about 3 weeks... then it started changing again.

Last week- he told me we needed to just be friends for awhile so he could regain my trust.. and he thought it would be easier as friends. Okay- well I knew there was other stuff.. he said part of him loves his ex and part of him loves me. He said he never completely got over her and we rushed into our relationship too fast... which I tried to tell him for a long time- but he would have none of it. He says he doesn't know who he loves, he doesn't know who he wants to be with, he just doesnt know.. he's confused.. He told me that while we were just being friends, he didn't want me to go out and date other guys or sleep with other guys... I told him I didn't want him to date other girls or sleep with other girls, including his ex. We both agreed to that. He said he just needs some time to get over her.........

So this whole week, I've been trying my hardest to understand, to be a good friend, to talk to him about everything and listen to what he has to say.. even if it is about his ex.. sometimes he'll say 'I love you' sometimes he won't. He says he doesn't say it to her. All this is irrelevant though... to my real question...

I don't understand how you can get over someone while you are still talking to them and hanging out with them (they hung out 2 nights in the last week.) It hurts so bad that he spends time with her, because if I told you everything that she did to him you all would probably wonder what the heck he even talks to her for! It hurts that he "doesn't know" if he loves me or not anymore. He said at one point in time he did, he was in love with me.. but then his exg/f wouldn't leave him alone and it just confused him.. so now here I am trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do.

Am I suppose to keep talking to him when he calls?

I am suppose to call him once in a while too?

What about when he says he'll call back then never does- because he thought it was "too late"? He knows I stay up til like 2am every day! I have my suspicions for why this happened- but I won't go there...

Should I just tell him that in 30 days, I will call him and ask him what he has figured out? Not have any contact with him for 30 days, to let him know that this has got to stop and if he loves me and wants to be with me, he will get over his exg/f and make her leave him alone... It would be the hardest thing I ever did, but I'm beginning to think that HE thinks he can just keep messing up and I'm always going to come back and give him another chance.

For some reason, I know what everyone is going to say but it's just so hard to except the fact... maybe I am not good enough for him, maybe I'm too fat, not pretty enough, not close enough (distance), not good enough for him at all?

What do I do?

 
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Old 10-24-2006, 09:31 AM   #2
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messee84 HB User
Re: when and how will the pain go away?

Ah you poor thing, he's dragged you into his ****** and its not fair. I thinm cut contact (not for a fixed time) and tell him to work through his c**p on his own and then you'll speak to him as you cant hang around while de supposedly gets over his ex whilst still seeing her. Then concentrate on you, doing things that make you feel good without him etc. you'll become a lot stronger when you dont have all his business on your shoulders. If he did decide you're the one he wants do you think you could trust him again (esp if he continues to see his ex??)? If not then you should end it all together.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 10:29 AM   #3
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CUCrusaders24 HB User
Re: when and how will the pain go away?

Wow, have I BEEN THERE, just like you. I could probably apply this to my own love life but the bottom line is: IT IS NOT YOU! I have found as a person, and especially as a 22 year old woman, that this is one of the most difficult things there is to accept! It is so very hard, but you can get there. I too thought the same as you: I'm not attractive enough, thin enough, etc. You know what I found though? I started highlighting my hair (eventually becoming blonde all over , tanning, wearing more flattering, feminine, sexy clothes) and men paid so much attention to me. Then it hit me: they STILL didn't want a relationship, only something physical. It wasn't until I realized (with the help of true female friends) that it will happen, I just have to be patient, and that it wasn't ME. You can't make someone love you, just like the old Bonnie Raitt song says .

Basically, you can pick it apart all you want; the fact of the matter is, its not you...it really isn't, and it's a hard thing to come to terms with. I know it hurts, but if he didn't want her anymore, he would let her go. There's something in him (whether it actually IS love, or similar) that can't and won't move on, and there is nothing you'll be able to do to convince him otherwise. I wish you luck.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 10:53 AM   #4
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happymom28 HB User
Re: when and how will the pain go away?

So you are suppose to wait around until HE decides what HE wants? HE gets to spend time with both you and his ex while HE makes a decision that effects all of you? Something doesn't seem right to me.

"He told me that while we were just being friends, he didn't want me to go out and date other guys or sleep with other guys..."

What gives him the right? I'm sorry if I seem mean about this, but you are way more understanding than I would be. It's incredibly unfair for a person to take their time to deliberate the pros and cons between two people while they're left hanging in the balance.

If I were you I would just cut ties with him for a while. Why should you have to sit around and hope you're the one he chooses? Especially when you know he is spending time with his ex (and trusting they aren't being a little too friendly). Don't let yourself stop the world for this obviously selfish man. If he doesn't know who he wants by now who knows when he'll know.

You deserve to be with a man who only thinks about you. Life is too short to put up with other people's relationship baggage.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 11:08 AM   #5
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m1e1b1s1 HB User
Re: when and how will the pain go away?

DUMP HIM..........

been there, done that...much older and wiser now...only wish I had this "wiseness" when I was younger :-)

good luck!

There are PLENTY of fish out there....I married my SOULMATE....after dumping my jerk of a boyfriend years ago.....14 years ago...11 years married now !!

Hate to think of the "what if's"...I wouldn't have what I have now had I stayed long ago!

 
Old 10-24-2006, 01:43 PM   #6
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skittles42 HB User
Re: when and how will the pain go away?

Thanks to all of you for replying.. I knew that I needed to do.. and I know none of its fair.

"If I were you I would just cut ties with him for a while. Why should you have to sit around and hope you're the one he chooses? Especially when you know he is spending time with his ex (and trusting they aren't being a little too friendly). " - happymom this is exactly what I've been thinking but coming to terms with actually making it happen SUCKS..

I am going to tell him that I'm not going to talk to him for 30 days.. and then in 30 days, which will be around thanksgiving.. I will talk to him again. I know that he won't deal with this well- but maybe it will get it through his head!

He is holding on to something with his ex. I haven't been able to figure it out for the longest time... I don't know whether its because everytime she calls or everytime she invites herself over- it gets him thinking about how much she hurt him and it makes him want to hurt her back.. it makes him want revenge...

CUCrusaders24 - you said.. "Basically, you can pick it apart all you want; the fact of the matter is, its not you...it really isn't, and it's a hard thing to come to terms with. I know it hurts, but if he didn't want her anymore, he would let her go. There's something in him (whether it actually IS love, or similar) that can't and won't move on, and there is nothing you'll be able to do to convince him otherwise." and wow, I think I read this like 50 times!

Thank you all so much.. Iwill keep you posted on how it goes. I'm sure I will be back here during the 30 days saying...

"TELL ME NOT TO CALL HIM!!!"

 
Old 10-24-2006, 02:24 PM   #7
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happymom28 HB User
Re: when and how will the pain go away?

DO NOT CALL HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Be strong!

 
Old 10-26-2006, 06:16 AM   #8
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JBravo556 HB User
Re: when and how will the pain go away?

seriously don't call the dude...

I was ignoring my ex for two weeks and she started calling me... then we started chatting for a few days and guess what... she is starting the same head games as she did before. save your self the trouble and just move on. there's no sense in trying to work this out...

 
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