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Old 10-24-2006, 05:19 PM   #1
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angel_light HB User
EVERYTHING has gotten worse...

I swear my mother has put a curse on my relationship. My fiance is now blaming me for his injury. I did not push him, I did not make him fall, but it is ALLL my fault. He said "if I did not listen to your sorry a** about you wanting to go on vacation, then I would not have 20,000 in medical bills and I would not be hurt," then of course he went on to call me 10 different bad names.

We never fight like this... I do not know whether to leave, or to stay.. or what. This is 4 years on the line of committment. This is a house, 2 cars under our names. There is so much on the line. But..

He has been getting mad at me for the smallest things, I am scared he will start hitting me next. He has been verbally abusing me by calling me names. This is not in his character. All I want to do is cry, but instead I get angry that he would be this way after all I have done to help him, he would not have bought the house without my help. He would still be like 3 years behind. But now everything is my fault. He hates my family... which is given with my parents both a**holes..... that could care less about their daughter right now. And he is making things so much worse, I want to go, but at the same time I want to stay.

What makes matters worse is the insurance is not covering, I got a speeding ticket this week which we fought about for 5 hours (I was going a few over) I am going to fight it.. instead I am a stupid broad to him, a stupid girl.

I am just ranting but I am really at my last straw... between my parents and my family.. then my friends and now him. Everyone has lost their minds.. I want to run away from ALL of them.. then on top of it I am trying to get a job.. I do not know what to do anymore.

Last edited by angel_light; 10-24-2006 at 05:27 PM.

 
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Old 10-24-2006, 05:38 PM   #2
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Josh Mann HB User
Re: EVERYTHING has gotten worse...

Hi Angel_light,

Can you let us know what accident he is blaming you for?? work - home - car??

What do you mean by "if you didn't ask to go on holidays" bit??

When did this attitude of your husbands come??

Money and material belongings are not going to make you happy if you are constantly dealling with being verbally abused

If you are copping grief from all directions then maybe you might want to vacation by yourself to get away.

The verbal fights sounds like he is trying to cover something else up that is effecting him, has anything prior to this 'accident' occured??

As I have said, if you can answer some of these questions it will definately help in trying to understand it more

Cheers

Josh

 
Old 10-24-2006, 06:02 PM   #3
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Re: it has gotten worse...

Quote:
Can you let us know what accident he is blaming you for?? work - home - car??
We went on Vacation and he is blaming me for an accident that happened on day one. We were having a good time and he was unsure of himself and his feelings were right, he fell and broke his bone.

Quote:
What do you mean by "if you didn't ask to go on holidays" bit??
I had been asking him to visit my relatives all summer, and he finally said yes lets go..etc.

Quote:
When did this attitude of your husbands come??
We have been fighting as normal couples do. But since his accident he acts like he hates me some days. Even though I have been driving him around, dressing him, bathing him, feeding him...

Quote:
Money and material belongings are not going to make you happy if you are constantly dealling with being verbally abused
I know this.

Quote:
The verbal fights sounds like he is trying to cover something else up that is effecting him, has anything prior to this 'accident' occured??
Just that he is frustrated.. I was laid off from my job... tried a home business did not work as well as I wanted it to, now trying to find full-time work to help out and he is frustrated. My parents have been horrible people to us.... so that helps nothing. Then he has just been getting frustrated over little stupid things for months. I do not know why.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 08:38 PM   #4
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Josh Mann HB User
Re: it has gotten worse...

Thanks for answering these questions

If indeed it was an accidental fall when you were on holidays then obviously there is no reason to be blaming you for, fare enough he has the s##t's with not being able to enjoy his holiday!

There might be something behind him finally getting away for a holiday (not so much as visiting your relo's, sorry and injuring himself. If this has prevented him from doing the norm he might be a bit depressed

If I had planned a holiday, even with the relo's and something like that went wrong on the first day, I would be a little

He sounds as though he might have some depression that needs to be addressed, as he is attacking the people he needs in his life which is often a symptom of depression it needs to be dealt with ASAP.

Have you thought about speaking to him about the way he is treating you??

Have you asked any of his family / friends to try and speak with him about this??

If he is not recognising that you are doing it tuff caring for him whilst he is unable to tend to himself than maybe it's time he realised what he had, by loosing it??

It sounds as though you need to gain a common ground of understanding as to where you are in all this and maybe give him some altermatives to decide on??

Take it easy and look forward reading your next post.

Josh

 
Old 10-25-2006, 01:58 AM   #5
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brazilman HB User
Re: EVERYTHING has gotten worse...

Well, yes, I am afraid this is all very confusing. I shouldn't say much here. I'd have to listen to the other party as well. But my feeling is that you are in an abusive relationship, or at least that your bf is really losing his mind.

You say he is being ungrateful for the things you have done for him. Well, well, I know this hurts, but gratefulness doesn't seem to be the most important sentiment in a love relationship. Why, you'd want him to love and respect you - that is all.

Perhaps he thinks he has also done things for you and he feels that he and you are quits.

Well, I am afraid that this relationship is much too focused on money, on goods, on possessions, etc rather than on affection. While these things matter, they should not be the center of a relationship, let alone of a relationship that is only four years old! And what about the rest of your life?

And I am very sorry that you have such a low opinion about your parents. Even if they deserve it, this really doesn't help. I was just wondering: weren't you in your turn somehow ungrateful to your parents, too? Or couldn't it be the case that they think they have done a lot for you, too, and now you despise them?

Lastly, for me, it is kind of a puzzle as to understand how you have raised all the money to buy the house, the cars, etc, without external help, for I presume you are still very young. Don't take it amiss, but unless you had a very good pay or very good credentials, which are not common for young people, I feel like asking you: did your parents put their signature in here?

Anyway, it is not for anyone to tell you what you have to do. But you sound desperate. I think you basically need some time away from this guy - it is no use talking to him now - so that you can sort things out and, please, check to see if there are genuine feelings in this relationship. Or if it is just like business.

Regards.

JC

 
Old 10-25-2006, 08:16 AM   #6
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: EVERYTHING has gotten worse...

Quote:
Originally Posted by angel_light
I want to run away from ALL of them.. then on top of it I am trying to get a job.. I do not know what to do anymore.
RUN!!! That's my advice. Don't get married, absolutely do NOT get pregnant -- make sure you're being careful.

I don't think you should marry this guy if he is emotionally abusive. He will not change -- he may possibly get better with therapy, but he needs to admit that he's abusive and that is very hard for these men to do. And, he's not even physically abusive, but sometimes the emotional abuse is worse. It can be SO HARD for these men to know the impact of emotional abuse or know how they can even stop. Chances are, he's got some self esteem issues where he feels he needs to belittle you to control you. Living your life "walking on eggshells," always worrying if you're going to do or say the wrong thing, etc.. that is not a life! It is going to bring down your self esteem to absolute zero.

I think you need to start preparing for an exit from this relationship.

Cars and a house are no reason to rid yourself of your self esteem and live a miserable life. Those things can actually be easily divided. You get the car that you drive the most, he gets the car that he drives the most -- title transfers are simple. As for the house, it can be sold, or if one of you can take over the payments, then the other moves out. You may need to get a lawyer for that, but that depends on how cooperative your fiance will be.

You need to lay this out for him -- that you can and will leave him.

Be strong. No one deserves to be belittled and insulted by someone who is supposed to love them. YOU DESERVE BETTER! Imagine yourself with a different man -- someone who is supportive, loving and would never say anything to intentionally hurt you. How great would that be? That's how most peoples lives are.

If you're young, you have plenty of time to find someone else. Why stay with what you have now when there is better out there?

Most of all, it sounds like your fiance blames everyone else for his problems but him. That doesn't sound like the type of guy who is going to admit he has a problem with verbal abuse anytime soon, or admit that anything going wrong is his fault. If you stay with him, all his problems will continue to be your fault. If you leave, they'll probably still be your fault too, according to him, but at least they won't be your problems anymore.

I would seek out counseling if I were you, to give you some outside feedback and support making these life changing decisions.

OH and as a side note, I also wanted to say that plenty of young people (people under 30) own houses and cars without help from their parents!

Last edited by minnesotagirl; 10-25-2006 at 08:18 AM.

 
Old 10-25-2006, 01:09 PM   #7
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redsoxgirl2418 HB Userredsoxgirl2418 HB User
Re: EVERYTHING has gotten worse...

Is there a possibility that this attitude towards you is just part of a bigger problem? That his injury and his inability to do things like bathe himself, drive himself, all the things you say you do for him--is bothering him, making him feel like less of a man? If he can't do those things, I'm guessing that he is unable to work, which also might be contributing. Is he on any medication for his injuries that may be causing this?

Before I would run off and decide he's no good, I would let his injury heal and let life get back to normal. If things don't get better then, maybe it's time to think about what the future holds for you two. But, I'm guessing he's put up with a whole lot of crap with you and your family issues, don't just abandon all hope of fixing things. Any man who can't do simple things like driving or showering is bound to feel completely horrible about his life. Being dependent on someone else for everything is difficult, especially for a man who takes on the role of breadwinner for a family. He could be depressed even. Just be patient with him until your lives are back to normal, then evaluate.

 
Old 10-25-2006, 01:23 PM   #8
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GypsyArcher HB User
Re: it has gotten worse...

Angel...it has been obvious since you posted years ago about his old friend from high school contacting him again that your fiance is big jerk. Hon, you are in so much denial about this. I don't know what to tell you. I know you must be a very strong person deep down and I just hope you find that strength someday.
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Old 10-25-2006, 01:38 PM   #9
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brazilman HB User
Re: EVERYTHING has gotten worse...

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
...

OH and as a side note, I also wanted to say that plenty of young people (people under 30) own houses and cars without help from their parents!
Yes, plenty maybe, but not the majority.

JC

 
Old 10-25-2006, 03:42 PM   #10
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Nina000 HB User
Re: it has gotten worse...

Hi Angel

I tend to agree with JC and I do think that your fiancee is an arrogant a--hole himself. Sorry to say that, and I know that this is the last thing that you want/need to hear now, having given up a LOT to be with him and to defend your relationship.

It makes my blood boil to know how he is re-paying you. I couldn't be more grateful to my (then) bf when he used to look after me due to injury in my right shoulder/arm (fracture), this is makes you feel closer to the person, not angrier. It is NOT YOUR mistake remember, regardless of what he says. You are the one who is entitled to complain not him. YOu are a full-time carer for him, one of the most stressful jobs that I can imagine.

Angel, am not defending your family but good love makes you forgive, because it makes you happy. Don't blame your parents for your personal problems with him. I know a female friend whose parents are really outrageous. Her dad used to hit her at 28, initimdtaed her to pay all her wages for tel bills, etc in his house, and treated her fiance very poorly. But guess what, her fiance stood by her. YEP. Married her and now they have a gorgeous son,lovely house. She doesn't even mention her family because she feels sorry for their MISERABLE LIVES.

I know that your fiancee might be depressed, but don't feed his abusive depression by accepting him taking it out on you. TEACH him his limits before it's too late. Honestly Angel, no one more than me knows how bad this can be. Please don'tr allow it to be part of your life. And I would say, don't waste your life being a nurse to him. I guess his condition is improving? A broken bone takes 4-6 weeks to heal and you mentioned this accident a while ago, right?

Now I would also suggest that you put him in his place when he mentions his low opinion of your family. If he shows unnecessary disrespect to them all the time this mean that he also DISRESPECTS YOUR FEELINGS. He sounds like he is targeting YOU, not THEM with his insults.

My advice ensure financial stabilityfirst (Do you have a job now?) and then look for a more decent guy, don't center your life around him. He is not worth it. YOU KNOW that. YOu need o accept it. Don't explain to him, justr start to look for a way out, even if this meant dating someone else. I know I might sound horrible, but if that's the way out, then do it.

Last edited by Nina000; 10-25-2006 at 03:54 PM.

 
Old 10-30-2006, 01:52 AM   #11
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Re: it has gotten worse...

hey everyone,

Anyone ever hear that song Tu Solo Tu by Selena...look it up... that should explain something.

sorry I have not posted in a few. Things are so stressful.. yes, he is on medicine-vicadin (spelling?) he cannot move completely due to nerve damage.. now the insurance is not covering everything, so his now fixed credit is going to be all bad again... mine we are trying to fix...

I am just so sad right now. I know you all say it was not my fault.. but I feel like it is. I begged to go to this place for our once a year long 2 week vacation. It was all my idea..etc. And look what happened.. then this past week I was pulled over 2 times..., so I have tickets, then the bills, and he cannot work as much.. I still have no job!! I am so desperate I will work at mc'ds right now to bring in money.

my parents are no support. as most of you know due to past posts... my father definitely not.. he is now all self indulged from my mom... tells me he is leaving her and getting divorced, next he is like I think she is getting better... he has been telling himself that for 26 years now.. almost 27! Nothing is going to change there... I have NO support.. only who I have here... which is my fiance.. and his family.. then he goes and complains to his mom about me.. so scratch that support.. I am ALONE....

Last edited by angel_light; 10-30-2006 at 01:53 AM.

 
Old 10-30-2006, 04:28 AM   #12
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Re: it has gotten worse...

All the analyzing in the world won't change the fact that abuse is abuse and should never be tolerated.

 
Old 10-30-2006, 08:17 AM   #13
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Nina000 HB User
Re: it has gotten worse...

Quote:
Originally Posted by angel_light
hey everyone,
I have NO support.. only who I have here... which is my fiance.. and his family.. then he goes and complains to his mom about me.. so scratch that support.. I am ALONE....
Oh Angel, I can't believe that a woman so smart like you accepts this cheap game of blame. Angel, this is RUBBISH. This is mentally damaging. Things happen out of our control. Should you lock yourself up because, if you go shopping for food, or to work, you might get knocked over? Or should you never go to beach because the tide might get really high and devour you? This is INSANE. Look, your fiance, it seems to me, is the one who is using you. Why on earth not forget about your mum and dad, and forgive them? Why does it matter if your dad divorces your mum?

Last edited by Nina000; 10-30-2006 at 01:57 PM.

 
Old 10-30-2006, 07:18 PM   #14
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Re: it has gotten worse...

Quote:
Oh Angel, I can't believe that a woman so smart like you accepts this cheap game of blame. Angel, this is RUBBISH. This is mentally damaging. Things happen out of our control. Should you lock yourself up because, if you go shopping for food, or to work, you might get knocked over? Or should you never go to beach because the tide might get really high and devour you? This is INSANE. Look, your fiance, it seems to me, is the one who is using you. Why on earth not forget about your mum and dad, and forgive them? Why does it matter if your dad divorces your mum?
My parents could care less about me anyways.. they never call, never email.. only when they are fighting back and forth. I am not on speaking terms with my mother, because of some darn awful things she has put us through. I moved away 2 years ago, over two years and they have not visited me once. And it is not like they did not have the money either. Just because they were trying to teach me a lesson about moving so far away.

My fiance has been irritable for awhile. I am not taking it, but I lash out at him sometimes in return. I know why he is frustrated. 1) Getting hurt on day one of vacation... 2) actually breaking a bone 3) NERVE damage.. which I pray heals... 4) cannot work like he use to, so not as much money 5) I still am without a job... 6) I need to bring in money to help out and now more than ever... 7 ) the home owners insurance is trying to be shady and stingy on paying. They won't... even though it was not our fault.. maybe 1//5 of what is owed... 8) myself and his sibling got a speeding ticket within a week apart... 9) my father did not even make the effort to visit his soon to be son in law when the accident happened within a few hours of driving.. because of my mother... the list goes on...

I really do not know what to do anymore... I probably applied to 15 some places today again.. I cannot take this.. I am stressed to the brink.. I wish everything could have gone as planned.. 1) good vacation.. spend money have a good time NOT vacation.. 1 day-spend money on getting back home for his surgery.... 2) that my relatives insurance would have paid like they told me.. they said DO NOT WORRY.. i did not.. now what do we do..

I am sorry.. I am just complaining... I know that he should be nicer.. but if I was in his spot I might be pretty darn upset too.

 
Old 10-30-2006, 09:22 PM   #15
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Re: it has gotten worse...

angel light

Most people would be upset and stressed in your fiances situation BUT he should not be demeaning you and calling you names or blamming you for that accident.You are very stressed yourself sheesh here you are trying hard to find work and taking care of him and all he can do is give you hell for it.If he was just acting somewhat bitter and frustrated from feeling helpless and stressed over the medical bills then I may say just try and be paitent with him and wait it out BUT since he is being abusive......name calling and blamming I believe i'd have to do as Nina sugessted and start working my way out of the relationship.Seriously how do you know your fiance,one day husband,will not react this way any time things get tuff? What if (and I hope not but) you two lose the home or a vehicle or something during all this ...is he going to blame you for that as well? Think about it marriages have many ups and downs are you willing to chance him blamming you for all the downs?

Last edited by tnmomofive; 10-30-2006 at 09:26 PM.

 
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