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Old 10-24-2006, 09:17 PM   #1
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OkayKK05 HB User
Question Interracial Dating

I am a 22 year old white girl. My bf is a 28 year old blk man. I live in the south and, of course, most people around here are very prejudice. Some may not be, but are still very judgemental. We have been together more than four yrs and my family also disagrees. I feel like I spend a lot of time defending our relationship. But, I can not make myself get out of it. I have tried, unsuccessfully, for others sake... not my own.

I hate to feel that I am shaming my grandparents, disappointing my mother, and well... my father is a whole other issue...but, I will say he is the VERY least of my worries at this point. Why is it so bad to be in love? I do realize this is "surprising" to them. But, I wish things could be different!!!

My boyfriend is very understanding and we really lay low. If it werent for these things we would be married by now. I work in a professional, high class environment where most of my coworkers really don't "know" that I have a blk bf... although, I am sure some have gotten the idea already. I find myself wondering what they would think of me?? If they did know...would they look at me the same??

I know some are thinking I am insecure about my choice and it would be easier to move on... but, its not the case at all. I just choose not to give everyone reasons to talk about me. But, if they find out- then I guess they just know!!

Am I being too paranoid?? Is this normal??

And PLEASE leave your opinions, both ways, on interracial relationships in general!! I would love to know what other peeps go through...and how others honestly view it!!

 
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Old 10-24-2006, 09:25 PM   #2
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Re: Interracial Dating

Ok here is my take on it. I have some experience here because I am a white man and I used to date a black woman, an Australian Aborigine. Unfortunately, she pased away, bless her beautiful soul. We were worried that our race may be a reason why people would shun us and look down upon us. This did happen during the realy weeks by some people but then my family and her family and our friends were really supportive. I met he at university.

My family embraced her and they were really close to her and loved her, as did she. My grandmother even told me "Don't let this girl get away, she's a keeper"

I advise you go out in public and forget anyone or anything that is against you. This man obviously makes you happy and if the people you love are against this man making you happy, then that is a problem.

Go about your daily lives together and soon enough, people will soon come to accept it. Please do not give up, true happiness doesnt come about that often.

Last edited by Ridgemont; 10-24-2006 at 09:26 PM.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 10:08 PM   #3
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WhyIsThisMyLife HB User
Re: Interracial Dating

I've had a lot of experiences with interracial relationships. One, I'm a black woman that dated mostly white men. I finally married one. His mother who was from Maine was more against it then his father who was from Arkansas. This was before we met and after we met, she got over her negative feelings. She even shows our wedding pics to her friends, so I don't think she is still ashamed. I also have a white girlfriend who married a black man. Same thing her parents were against it...one time her parents put her out over it. After a while, they realized he was a good man and really started to like him. I really disagree with hiding it. My husband did that in the beginning and feels extreme shame over it now. He introduced me to friends and coworkers, but not his family. He feared his mother's reaction. That caused me to feel hurt. If you feel uncomfortable about taking around coworkers and friends, then I question are you really ready and mature enough to handle this? If anyone wanted me to get rid of someone just because of their race, I'd totally ignore them and if they didn't like it too bad. If he is a good man and treats you well then hopefully your parents will learn to love him. As to what your coworkers think. So what? I know they talk about me. I even had one of my black coworkers come up to me saying I heard your fiancee was white. I knew they were talking. I could not care less.

 
Old 10-24-2006, 10:20 PM   #4
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Re: Interracial Dating

The first post I got was one of the sweetest things I have ever heard!! I am glad you got your true love in your lifetime!! Thanks for the advice!!! On the one knowing I shouldn't care... I wish I didn't care at all...but, I don't care what others think enough for it to end our relationship. I just don't like to be the center of attention... and not to mention, my mom is also one of my coworkers...that is the HUGE thing! I really really appreciate every post by the way! I do think this is my way of working up courage to just do it!!! Go get married, come home and announce, then let everyone else deal with it! It should be easier I know My mom does insist that I could do better b/c of issues besides race. He does have tendencies to switch jobs often... in four years... he has worked at 4 jobs! I know he is gonna keep one though, I think he gets bored easily! My mom makes up other reasons too...but, I am unsure where they REALLY stem from!

 
Old 10-24-2006, 10:26 PM   #5
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Ridgemont HB User
Re: Interracial Dating

You are very welcome Unfortunately I married the wrong woman after my true love died. But just remember- it is THEIR problem, not yours.

 
Old 10-25-2006, 05:05 AM   #6
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whackedback HB Userwhackedback HB Userwhackedback HB User
Re: Interracial Dating

Unfortunately, the people in the US are a lot less tolerant of interracial marriage. How I envy Austrailia.

On the CON side, some people may not choose to associate with you and your BF, and I'm afraid that any children might experience more problems.

On the PRO side, you've found a person that seems to be right for you. To you, your BF and your true friends, nothing will matter. Go with it! Anyone who finds the person that loves them and can spend their lives together is very fortunate indeed. Black, white, brown, yellow, red, gay, straight. And this is coming from a southern boy.

wb

 
Old 10-25-2006, 05:51 AM   #7
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Re: Interracial Dating

Goodness...you've been with the guy for 4 years already...Let's see...what was the joke the comedian said the other day...I think it went like this "they need to climb down off their cross and take it apart and build a bridge with it and GET OVER IT!!!!!" HAHA...something like that! You've got to live your life the way you want to...if this man is a good man and loves you then more power to ya! They'll get over it IF THEY REALLY LOVE YOU!
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Old 10-25-2006, 06:19 AM   #8
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Re: Interracial Dating

Hello, I am a white woman married to a white man, so you may think why is this woman replying? Here's my take on this. I was raised to be very racial... to the point where my parents thought it was hilarious to build KKK men instead of snowmen. Before all you guys jump down my throat for this, remember, I was just a kid back then, and I was living under their rules not my own. When my daughter started headstart/preschool, whatever you call it in your area, she became best friends with a mixed girl. Her mom is white and her dad is black. I didn't see a thing in this world wrong with it. I started letting her spend the night at my house and my daughter has gone to her house some. When my step dad found out he hit the roof and tried to tell me I shouldn't raise my daughter like that and everything else. I told him to shut up it is MY kid and if I say she can go to a black man's house then she can!! He thinks because I let this happen that my girl will think its ok to marry, date and be friend with blacks. I told him so what if she thinks its ok! YOu know what?!!? I took anatomy in college and when you peel the outside layer of the skin off the human body "SURPRISE!!!" we are all the SAME. He calls all black people the "N" word. The way I look at it is there and "N's" in ALL COLORS!!!! And personally I feel my own step dad with white skin is a "N". I don't even use that word but he sure does. ANyway, true love doesn't come around that often. You family is probably freaking out but you need to let it out of the closet. They will get used to it eventually. I felt funny letting that friend of my daughters come over at first. But now I don't care. They are in 3rd grade now and still best friends!! I love that little girl like she is my own!! But people are unaccepting though. Everytime I take her places you wouldn't believe the stares I get. She is about 8 inches taller that my daughter yet only 3 weeks older. I am only 27 and here I am with a 7 and 2 8 year olds with me and my hubby is at work or something. I look like one of those young welfare moms that have 3 diff. kids by 3 diff. men. (I forget to put my rings on half the time) I don't care what people think of me, they don't know me, so I just let them wonder if I have a kid by a black man, because so what if I do or I don't!!! It doesn't make me a different person!! I have rambled enough. If they disown you, they disown you, you have to do whats good for YOUR happiness!! Gotta go!!

Kendra M.

 
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Old 10-25-2006, 07:56 AM   #9
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Re: Interracial Dating

I think that we are all God's children and that is what matters the most.

If you want to change the way people think or view things in society, then you can't hide who you are. I say, put a picture of you and your man on your desk at work!

I also think that you are insecure about this relationship to begin with. Sure, some people may not agree with you dating a black man, but just as many people could care less. Not everyone is a racist.

 
Old 10-25-2006, 10:58 AM   #10
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Re: Interracial Dating

Well, here's a post that I am UNABLE to ignore or to let go.

First of all, I am from a country where interracial relationships, on all possible levels and in all possible scenarios, are unavoidable.

Secondly, there are coloured people in my own family, partly because my grandfather, who was partly French, took a black woman as his mistress, and they had two children. So, some of my cousins are coloured, and I am afraid I can't say that all these events and situations were easily digested by all the members of my family and its unfoldings, so to say.

Thirdly, I had a brief affair with a black lady, when I was in my early thirties. I say it was an affair, because I myself broke it as soon as I sensed it could grow into something bigger. I have to admit I was too insecure to keep it going. I was perhaps a coward, I am yielding the palm, but I was not the only one.

However, I don't see myself as a racist. To begin with, although I am white and look like a white man, I am not racially pure. Few people in this country can claim to be racially pure, anyway. Indeed if the world survives for more two hundred years, maybe a little longer, I think we are going to see the end of the races: everyone is going to be mixed. And it will be ok.

That said, I think a racist is someone who thinks that one of the races (mostly his own) is better than the others, especially in terms of intelligence, and that the “inferior” race should serve the other. I can't accept that at all, but I am aware that relationships between people of different colours are too complex a subject, especially when they involve marriage. Avoiding interracial relationships or being very cautious with them doesn't necessarily turn you into a racist, but of course it makes you a person of limited vision.

However, I disagree with people when they say to you: "If people don't accept you, because of your choice, it's their problem, not yours." No, I think that it is also your problem, especially if these unaccepting people happen to be your family. All of the human beings want to feel accepted, especially by the peers, friends, relatives, etc... So what is wrong with having doubts and feeling insecure if you find yourself in such a relationship and are being rejected? It is quite natural to stop, think and have fears. In other words, although love is beautiful, love alone won’t pave the way to happiness, if general acceptance is lacking, and this is true for most people.
This feels hard to say, but it must be said.

Marrying a person of a different race is much like marrying a foreigner. The ideal situation would be for the couple to find a third neutral language, but more often than not it so happens that one of the parties has to give up his or her own language and take in the language (and maybe also the values) of the other. I am afraid that the assimilation is never complete, but I am sure that it can be accomplished without bitterness, like an addition rather than a subtraction, if you see what I mean.

This will probably happen in a bi-racial marriage: the couple will probably have to lean towards one or the other of the two races, and therefore either the wife or the husband will have to assimilated by the other party.

As I see it, it's often the man who is assimilated into the wife's family, and less often, the other way round. Unless it happens for a professional reason, a couple will mostly choose to live close to the wife's relatives and family. So, in your case, I see it as a black man entering a white family rather than a white woman entering a black family.

And I am also aware that the configuration white husband + black wife is more usual than white wife + black husband. To understand why, you have to reach far into Colonial History. At least, in this country, five centuries ago, white women were relatively rare, so the white colonists usually took native women or black slaves as their wives. And this had to be tolerated by the contemporary society.

I know there is a lot of hypocrisy in society, but it is a fact that a white woman married to a black man was something very exceptional and, unfortunately, a lot more difficult to acept. Right or wrong, society demands that women conform to its rules, while allowing men a much greater mobility.

Why is it that a black man meets with more difficulty to be accepted into a white family than his white counterpart into a black family? Maybe it’s something very irrational, but I’d put forward some historical explanation, too. In a country, where black slavery existed, the white family, unconsciously or not, probably still sees the black guy as a threaten. In other words, there is a unspoken guilt-filled discourse that goes more or less like this, absurd as it may seem: ”We turned your ancestors into slaves. Now you belong legally to our family. Won’t you be taking revenge on us by subduing our daughter and possibly making use of our resources?” Now, the white guy in the black family is seen, sexism apart, as a sign of social improvement, as a window for social ascension, as the bearer of the good news that society is becoming more tolerant, whether this is true or not.

I am not saying that I agree with these ideas, but I believe that they are for real in many many stances.

Now back to OkayKK05’s dilemma. If I were in her shoes, I would first of all admit that I have a problem, as much as I love my boy-friend. And it is a rather serious problem, in my opinion, because she is the white lady and he is the black gentleman. Again, it’d be easier if the roles were reversed. As in a check-list, I would go through the following steps to see what can be done to find balance and peace of mind in the relationship:

1. She must try to learn about her boy-friend’s honest opinion about white people in general and ask him if he harbours any resentment whatsoever against white people, what bad experiences he had with prejudice, rejection, scorn, etc, and how relevant they are to his present-day life. It’s very important for OkayKK05 to check this, because curbed sentiments may come out during a quarrel, and she may have the unplesant experience of hearing utterances such as: “You, white people, are all of the same stuff. Once you have us enslaved but now you have to swallow us.” And she might have to respond, not to lose her face: “We made you into slaves because your own people were selling you.” Awful, disgusting things like that, anyway.
2. She would try to reduce or have reduced all the other minor or major differences between her boyfriend and herself, in terms of religion, education, political colours, views on various hot and delicate issues, etc, etc. More than for any other same-race couple, there must be harmony in other fields for the bi-racial couple.
3. She would think about their children. Would she have any real difficulty in accepting as her own a child that was not exactly her colour, had not exactly her features, etc, etc? What if the child meets with prejudice at school, in the neighbourhood, among his or her white and black cousins, etc? Would she be ready to stand up for her child? What kind of encouragement would she give her child? How would she help her child - her mixed child – to find a suitable identity, which is not white nor black?
4. She would try to be among the black relatives and friends of his husband-to-be to see how well she is accepted, because, deny it as you may, there is also the opposite kind of racism, whereby the white person is seen as evil among the blacks and ill-treated by them.
5. If she marries her boyfriend, she must be ready for a possible withdrawal of her relatives and friends. How will she cope with this, if the withdrawal is too large and too long? I am an optimist, and I think that, little by little, her husband will be accepted, as long as he proves to be a (very) good husband, and makes her wife a happy one, but how long is she ready to wait? Five, ten years? And very important thing: will she and her husband be ready to forgive those who went away in the first place?

I think these and a few other are all very real issues, and you, OkayKK05, have on the reasons on earth to be concerned about them. I don’t think you’re being paranoid. On the contrary, I think it’d be frivolous to imagine that all would necessarily be ok for you and that your life would be like a garden of roses. No marriage is an easy relationship, and when there is a racial difference, especially in a country and in an area where, until recently, racial problems (almost) led to civil war, one is entitled to get the creeps before taking the important and decisive step into a bi-racial marriage.

I hope I have helped you to formulate a few important questions. Now it’s up to you to fill in the answers.

Best to you.

JC

 
Old 10-25-2006, 11:20 AM   #11
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Re: Interracial Dating

May be you can move North. In this area this things happened.
I was in abusive relationship with a guy who was asian. May be this particular person was a jerk but he would phisically and emotionally abuse me and then say "you don't want me 'cause I am black".
You can have this thrown to your face one day in future, also it would be quite a number of people telling you that it's wrong, showing suprise, negative to your kids. You have to think if you want all this extra burden in your life.
I am married to a white man with the same religion, only difference I am from a different country. It was lot of suprises at the beginning, but your case is more controversial.
I wouldn't go for it if I'd be you, life is hard enough.

 
Old 10-25-2006, 06:07 PM   #12
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Re: Interracial Dating

I am white, my husband is black and we have a beautiful 7 month old daughter together. When I first started going out with my husband I was a university student living with my grandparents. When they found out I was told to either stop seeing him or I was to be out of their house in a week. I have just started talking to my grandparents again two weeks ago. My best friend since I was 5 years old still wanted to be friends with me but wanted nothing to do with my husband because of his race so I cut off all contact with her.

We live in Toronto so I'm sure there are more people here that are willing to accept interracial couples, but there are still many people who will not tolerate it. I have recieved many stares of hatred, especially from black women, when I go out with my husband and he has been told many times that he is disrepecting his race and his history by being with me. When we went looking for an apartment we were turned down for a really nice apartment once the landlord saw that we were a mixed couple (he suddenly had no more vacancies, even though when I had talked to him on the phone just an hour before he had several vacancies).

You have kept your relationship quite for four years; are you comfortable keeping it that way forever? If not you need to decide if you are capable of dealing with the hatred and racism of others, whoever they may be.

Last edited by ExcitedMommy; 10-25-2006 at 06:08 PM.

 
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