I have a hunch this may be a VERY long post, but please take the time to read it and reply, as I am extremely stressed out about my relationship with my girlfriend. ANY feedback that you might have would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks in advance for taking the time to help.
My girlfriend and I (both 20 years old) have been together for just over 2 years. I'd be lying if I said it was anything less than incredible. These have been the best 2 years of my life, and this girl is the most amazing person I have ever met. She is absolutely gorgeous, extremely smart, funny, caring and so very unique. I know it sound a little bit cliché, but I honestly can't see myself living without her, she means everything in the world to me and more.
With that being said, I've set out on a "mission" to try to fix some big issues I am currently facing in regards to the jealousy and insecurity I am experiencing. It wasn't until my ex-girlfriend that I thought of myself as a jealous person, but now it's gotten so bad that I think it might be tearing my current relationship apart. My ex ended up cheating on me and I had a really tough time dealing with it because she was my first girlfriend. I ended up heading into my current relationship with my guard clearly up with no intention of letting them down anytime soon. Since then I have always been suspicious about everything, especially after my current girlfriend informed me that she had cheated on her ex a few times... but of course told me she would never ever do it again because she is so much more in love with me. Not only that, but I did end up starting a relationship with her while she was dating that same guy and she ended up dumping him and immediately seeing me. At the time that was great, something most guys would brag about... but I look back and think it may be a huge part of my current insecurities, feels like it could easily happen to me.
After about a year of what I think to be the best year of my life, the first issue came up when I invaded her computer (another issue I will talk about later) and found out that a random guy she had met on vacation was emailing her. I am certain she did not do anything with him while on vacation (as she was there with her Mother), but I did end up finding out that she and him had fooled around on ******. I, of course, confronted her about this and she felt awful. She was extremely apologetic and convinced me that she had succumbed to the hands of her insecurity about her looks. The guy was giving her a lot of attention and she went along with it. Fortunately it was over the computer and not in person, unfortunately it was that issue that sparked the 24/7 thought of “would she cheat on me?”… before that I had very very rarely even thought of it.
Another year passes with my occasional outbursts of jealousy, but no major incidents. Then, this summer while I was on vacation, she ended up going on a little “date” with some guy she had met while I was away. Her motive for going on the “date” stems from her Mother's theory that "you should never limit yourself from new experiences, meet all the people you can”. I know her Mother would never ever try to convince her to cheat on me, but she did convince my girlfriend to go hang out with this guy one night while I was away (she was bored) and so she did. The problem was that I had once again read an email to her friend talking about how gorgeous he was, and how all she wanted to do was make-out with him. Fortunately she never did, and their meeting never resulted in anything more because they had nothing in common. She confirms that in the email by talking about the awkward silences she had with him as well as how different they were. She also asked her friend if she was a bad person for doing it, so the good news is there seems to be some morals coming into the picture. Since then she has convinced me that the "date" was nothing, it was something for her to do because she was so bored with me away. Something I believe because the only time we don't hang out everyday is when one of us is out of town or working/studying. At this point in the relationship I was pretty hurt, especially at the fact that she had lied to me and told me that she only hung out with a couple of her close friends and her mom while I was gone. She didn't want to tell me because she knew I would be upset, and since it was not a significant relationship-risking thing, she didn't want to start a fight over nothing. Good intentions on her part, but I still found out and it only made it worse. Furthermore, it has made me start thinking… what if they had a lot in common, what would have happened... I also read in that same email that she had not missed me while I was on vacation because it gave her a chance to hang out with her mom and close friends, things she doesn't do much because we hang out so often. Fair enough, but a hard thing to read. Some other comments she made about that email when I confronted her about it, was that it was girl talk and by her saying she wanted to make-out with this guy that was only saying he was really good looking, not literally wanting to make-out with him.
Since that incident I have been paranoid about what she is doing when she isn't with me, specifically when she is talking to her friends on MSN/Email. She has one guy on her MSN (who she actually fooled around with once before while she was with her last boyfriend) and I can't stand the fact that they keep in touch. She tells me she only talks to him while she is bored at work, and the only thing they talk about is his girlfriend. I really find this hard to believe because I know this guy and know that he is a scumbag that is only looking to fool around with her, she knows it too. She tells me over and over that she is not the least bit attracted to him anymore and doesn't even consider him a friend, but yet they still talk sometimes on MSN. One night he even text messaged her late at night asking what she was doing and that she should call him. Her response was that he was probably drunk and looking for a late night bootie call, apparently it was completely out of the blue. Obviously what am I to think? We had a major fight, and since then it's something I think about every day. I don't think she would do anything with him since I am usually hanging out with her everyday, but I am scared of what might happen if I am out of town, or if deep down inside her she really is thinking of him. She has promised me that nothing would ever happen, and that nothing will ever happen. She has said it time and time again "I will never cheat on you." I want to believe it so badly, but I am having a really tough time.
Am I wrong to be so jealous? Or am I taking things way overboard? I told her my feelings about all of this and we are still trying to work everything out, I just wanted to see what you guys think.
Some other issues affecting my feelings towards her are a few little lies she has told. Like I said before, she told me that she had not hung out with anyone when she did in fact see this guy. Also, I find that when she gets in trouble from her Mother for small things she will lie her way out of in an attempt to dodge her Mothers anger. I know those aren't huge lies, but they are things that are on my mind and make me wonder if she lies about other things.
I don’t want it to sound like she is the bad guy here, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have invaded her computer/email... something I also feel ashamed of, but found things that really showed me where our relationship is really at. At this point I am not sure if I regret doing it, but will say that I am never going to check her email again because I understand it is just as big a problem as my jealousy and the last thing I want to do is make her resent me. That’s something I can easily control, whereas my feelings I cannot. I also bring up the past quite often after we have agreed to get past it… I think that’s because I just hold my feelings in for so long that I can no longer stand it. It’s my very immature way of telling her I still don’t feel 100% about things.
I really don't know what to think at this point, she always manages to back her way out of every issue (except the ****** one which she took full responsibility for and felt terrible about). I want to believe her so bad, but I am having a very tough time. I just need to get over this whole jealousy/trust thing because it's the only negative issue I think that we have (albeit a big one). She always tells me how she is 100% in love with me and I believe her. I also believe she would do almost anything for me, I know I would for her. I’m just scared this is tearing us apart because the resentment is building and I’m finding it harder and harder to treat her to surprises and show my love in the cute ways relationships need.
Re: Serious jealousy/trust issues... need help (long)
You definitely should not be reading her email. That's a major invasion of privacy and it's scummy. If my b/f read my email, I'd be really mad. Does she know you know her password? I'm sure if she did, she would be extremely upset that you've been snooping on her.
That being said, I think you're both spending entirely too much time together and you're being too posessive. I think that you both need to find some outside interests and hobbies and you need to stop spending so much time together. If you're together every single day except when one of you is out of town, then you need to limit that to only a few times a week. Overload is never a good thing in a dating relationship, it's how couples end up not lasting.
You need to give both of yourselves time to spend time with other people like her with her friends and family and you with your friends and family. There needs to be some balance. Because the longer you let this continue, where you're with each other all the time, the worse it will get. Everyone needs some time and some space to themselves. It's never healthy to be constantly always together all the time.
As for the guys she's been emailing and the guy she saw while you were out of town, I think all of this is a symptom of your having been spending way too much time together. The only reason why she's wondering what else is out there is because she's never out there, she's always with you. And I truly believe that the longer you continue spending every waking moment together, the worse these problems will become. You both need to learn how to become more independent, so that your relationship will compliment your independence, and not result in this major co-dependence that you have going on.
Re: Serious jealousy/trust issues... need help (long)
I don't agree with Bracelet. I think you may be spending too much time together but that's as far as it goes. If you think that you need to stay with her so she doesn't stray then there is something you need to work on right there.
"I don’t want it to sound like she is the bad guy here, I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have invaded her computer/email... something I also feel ashamed of, but found things that really showed me where our relationship is really at. At this point I am not sure if I regret doing it, but will say that I am never going to check her email again because I understand it is just as big a problem as my jealousy and the last thing I want to do is make her resent me. That’s something I can easily control, whereas my feelings I cannot. I also bring up the past quite often after we have agreed to get past it… I think that’s because I just hold my feelings in for so long that I can no longer stand it. It’s my very immature way of telling her I still don’t feel 100% about things."
Invading emails is a tricky subject. People don't like their privacy intruded. Don't feel bad about being jeoulous though and don't ignore your feelings. It's good to be a certain amount jealous. Don't be a fool and be caught off guard either.
2 things I feel you actually have to worry about. The first is her mom and her mom's idea that she needs to see many people. This is an alarm for me. Mom doesn't like you or think you are good enough for her little girl otherwise she wouldn't be given her daughter this advice.
The other thing is exactly as you stated above:
"Furthermore, it has made me start thinking… what if they had a lot in common, what would have happened... I also read in that same email that she had not missed me while I was on vacation because it gave her a chance to hang out with her mom and close friends, things she doesn't do much because we hang out so often."
That is nothing to disregard. That is purely logical and I agree completely about the "what if". If she had a good time then what? Would she wanted to see this guy if you were in town? That is the big picture right there. Would she think it's ok for you to go out with a girl in the same circumstance. My guess is no.
"She always tells me how she is 100% in love with me and I believe her. I also believe she would do almost anything for me, I know I would for her."
Will she stop talking to the "scumbag"? If she knows he is then the reason to talk to him is what? Bored is hardly an excuse to me. When you are in a commited relationship you should avoid creating new opposite sex relationships. Period. They are not healthy to a commited relationship and can only cause discord.
One thing you need to worry about is being too demanding. I've said tell her not to talk to him and she may indeed resent that but relationships are give and take and you must be careful not to appear to be too controlling and what I said is in great part considered controlling. She also should be willing to make sacrifices to make the relationship work. There are two sides to every situation and relationship and always is a gray area. Again, would she be ok with you talking to a girl that obvious has feelings for you?
To summarize, I think you do exhibit a bit too much jelous preoccupations but don't assume that is a bad thing. A little jealousy is helpful and natural. Just don't let it get the best of you or the relationship. On the same hand don't be a fool and disregard obvious warning signs that you need to be observant. You need to have a talk to her about your own jealousy and let her know the major concerns you have. Not doing anything is just as bad as doing too much. Find the middle line you can live with and do your best not to obsess about it.
Re: Serious jealousy/trust issues... need help (long)
I can totally understand your situation, been through similar things myself, both me being jealous and my bf being jealous against me.
First thing is that other posters are right -- you and your GF spend way too much time together. You're still both very young and you should be out experiencing your own things in life. That's why your GF's mother is probably concerned. I don't think that encouraging her to see other people necessarily means she doesn't like you, she just understands and knows that her daughter is young and that you two have been together since a young age, and that meeting new people is part of gaining life experience and such.
But, I think that if you're in a committed relationship, you either stay committed or you don't. Obviously her mother doesn't have much respect for your relationship if she wants her to see other guys. I think your GF was trying to satisfy her mother -- I think her "white lies" are probably the same thing ... basically due to some underlying issues she may have about making her mom proud.
I think your GF's email to her friend about the incident was totally innocent girl talk. At least you know she didn't do anything with that guy. But searching her emails shouldn't be necessary.
It seems that you and your GF have one thing in common: low self esteem. Your jealousy is a sign that you don't think you're good enough for her. Her seeking attention from other guys is a sign that she needs guys to be interested in her in order to feel good.
Is one reason you hang out together every day so that you know for sure what the other one is doing and then you know for certain there is no cheating going on? That's not healthy. In a relationship you should be able to trust the other person.
I'm thinking that this may not be the right time and place for you both to be in such a committed relationship. I think you both need some time apart to really work on yourselves and learn to love yourselves. Sounds like you never got over your ex cheating on you and that's a big part of your low self esteem and your jealousy issues. If you were healed from that, I think you'd be more confident and trusting. With your GF, I think she jumped from one relationship to the next, without really getting a chance to get to know herself in between.
I'm sure you heard that absense makes the heart grow fonder. You need to learn how to trust her so that you can allow her to grow as a person and so you can grow as a person. If you were meant to be together, then you have your whole lives to spend all that time together.
Re: Serious jealousy/trust issues... need help (long)
back off of her or you will push her into cheating. My hubby was a very jealous person at first until I finally packed all my crap and my kids up and dissappeared for 2 days. I didnt cheat on him, but I wanted him to learn a lesson, that I am his wife and not his daughter. It really changed him, and now he trusts me finally, and I dont have to "ask" to run to the store or talk on the phone or even use the computer. Used too, he was like a dad and had to know what I was talking about, where I was and everything at every moment and he always asked a million questions. He is very different now that I left and showed him I wasnt going to be treated that way anymore. 7 years ago he would be standing over my shoulder reading this as I typed it, but now, he is across the room watching TV as I am typing this and when I get up from here, he probably wont even ask what I was typing so much for. What I am suggesting, is to back off or she will throw a big hissey fit on you like I did him. The only difference is, we are married with kids and that scared him not knowing where his kids were. I wasnt going to stay gone forever, I just wanted him to think about it a couple days. You guys are not married and it will be easy for her to just break up with you if you are that bad. If we hadnt been married with kids, and we were just dating, I wouldn't have come back!! So be careful and back off her,, or you may end up a single man!!
Good Luck, Kendra M.
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