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Old 10-26-2006, 03:10 PM   #1
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Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

Ok, very recently, weeks ago, I got married to my fiance who lived with me for a while.
Overall, I loved him so intensely that it was difficult to let go...I am SO GUILTY of totally and completely centring my life around him.
There are so many things good in him, but he has two kids with two different womenand he has a wandering eye. Very disrespectfully so sometimes. Ok so my dilemma is that I feel absolutely awful about myself. I never take the time to take a proper relaxing bath, or to do my hair at a hairdresser's or go to the gym,....and above all, I don't even smile to anyone. I never feel attractive because he jokes with every woman except me, I mean every woman, while I am standing there like an idiot. When we come back from a date out, he would say: did you see this woman next to us...wow she was gorgeous...I never hear a word of compliment no matter what I do. I used to be so pretty, but I lost massive amount of weight due to a stressful lifestyle (very demanding job) and I don't look sexy in anyway. I have a very beautiful face but he says that everybody looks at breasts/etc...so I don't even bother anymore.

On top of that I have a debt of £10.000 to pay off, turning 30 in few weeks, and I discovered some lump behind my ear and am dead scared to go to the clinic for it. I keep on imagining the worst, and while he is supportive in these respects, I just feel that he doesn't take things as seriously as I do. I have just been wed, but I feel like so horribly unhappy. Today, I was crying so loud for about half an hour, that the neighbour next door knocked at the door to see if I was ok. I cried so hard because I told him something stupid (jokingly) so he punished me by leaving me on my own for 10 hours worrying and panicking instead of talking things through with me. I feel that I am already fed up.
Anyone with advice please?

Last edited by nonamewoman; 10-26-2006 at 05:49 PM.

 
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Old 10-26-2006, 04:11 PM   #2
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

First I have to ask you some questions:

1. Did he act like this before you got married?

2. Have you always suffered from low self esteem?

3. What was it you told him that made him "punish" you and make you worry? Were you worried he left for good?

I'm sorry if I seem like I'm prying, but I just want to get all of the facts so I can be as helpful as I can.

 
Old 10-26-2006, 04:46 PM   #3
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

Thank you happymom. No I am grateful you took the time to read my post. To answer your questions: My crime was "swearing" I know and I admit it is wrong but it is a slip of a tongue...just a word that people use unconsciously, not that I am that foul-mouthed. It is so out of character ...I just didn't think I meant it. It started like that: We didn't want to drive because we were going to have a bit to drink while havng our dinner out, for the first time in while. So, we took a taxi, and I complained about the cost so he stopped the driver and got off half-way in a completely deserted place!!!! It was so difficult to get another taxi and we already paid the full fare. So I got so irritated and said a bad word that I didn't mean at all. Actually, English is not my first language but I sometimes wanted to make him laugh using such sweraing words (so I show him I mastered even taboo words). Obviously it was not funny for him. Anyway, he left me alone and left. I had to walk like 1 hour back. A waste of money and time!

So he turned up only 10 hours later as if he did nothing.

Yes he did that before, everytime I DISAGREE with what he says but in an inflamed way. So his excuse is he leaves me alone so that the argument dies away!!!!!! I feel like I have to agree all the time otherwise I will pay for it !!!! What life is `that?

I USED to be very confident. Like I said, I don't lack the looks..... I had great looking bfs, intelligent /rich ones before. But with him, he looks for what I don't have and keeps on talking about it. I feel so self-aware....and since a year ago, I never appreciated what I have/can offer!!!! Just constantly thinking of the negatives. Not even bothered to look nice, do you believe that? few weeks after I got married?

Last edited by nonamewoman; 10-26-2006 at 04:49 PM.

 
Old 10-26-2006, 05:07 PM   #4
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

What I don't understand is why you got out of the taxi with him. I'd be like, "I'm not getting out of the taxi, jerk. If you want to get out in the middle of nowhere, you go right ahead."

I know it's easier said than done to up and leave somebody, but I have no idea why you're staying with him. It seems like you base a lot of your self-worth on how good of a boyfriend you can get and how you look physically. That all means nothing. Stop worrying about what you look like and focus on your strengths. It sounds like you need to get rid of this guy and be on your own for awhile. If a guy I was with got mad at me for using a swear word, I'd probably laugh right in his face for a good five minutes. Why do you put up with this stuff? You're obviously pretty smart.

By the way, you said English is not your first language, but I never would have guessed that, you are very fluent. I'm always amazed by people who can learn a whole other language. See, that's something to feel good about right there.

You can do so much better than this person, and you must realize it. Why waste any more of your time on someone like this? Make the best of each day.
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Old 10-26-2006, 05:08 PM   #5
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

It sounds like your self esteem was fine, until you met your husband. Verbal abuse can really knock a person's self image down. Of course leaving him is the simple solution, then rebuld your sense of pride. I think it would be difficult to rebuild your self esteem while still in the relationship, especally when he is enamoured by every woman that is around him. Not only is gawking and making rude comments about other women cruel, but it's extremely tacky. You husband sounds very disrespectful to you. Leaving you in the middle of nowhere is unforgivable in my eye. No woman should be treated like this!

 
Old 10-27-2006, 06:56 AM   #6
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

Unfortunately I don't see a happy ending here. If he has always acted like this I don't see what is going to make him change. It's all a form of control and manipulation in my mind. My ex-husband use to act similar. He would check out other girls, but if I even glanced in the direction of a man he thought I would find attractive he would have a fit. When we got into arguments he would stay out all night with his friends. A couple of times he locked me in the bathroom for hours until I would cave in. He did a number on my self esteem.

But enough about me. You sound like a very intelligent person and I think you know deep down that this is no good for you. I know you only recently got married, but trust me, if he does this now can you imagine how he will be in a couple of years. There must be a reason that he is not with the mothers of his children. My first guess is he was completely disrespectful to them too.

I don't want to tell you what to do here, but you deserve to be happy. Get yourself a gym membership. Working out always makes me feel better. Go to the hairdresser and get a new look. Put on some makeup and get a couple of outfits that make you feel good about you. It may sound shallow, but I think you need it. Then, you sit your husband down and tell him that you are not going to put up with it anymore. Either he gives you the respect you deserve or show him the door.

I wish you the best of luck with this. Let me know what you decide and how it goes. Just remember one thing: NO MAN IS WORTH YOUR SELF RESPECT AND DIGNITY!

 
Old 10-27-2006, 01:49 PM   #7
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lady346 HB User
Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

Ok. What an A**HOLE.
But you are letting him treat you this way.
I actually can kind of relate, in a way, to where your husband is flirting with other women and you are standing there like an idiot. I had a situation (kind of) like that, except my ex wasnt flirting, he was just paying attention to everyone else (man and women) and leaving me alone. But the reason why I was standing there stupid was because I allowed myself to think that I looked so pathetic, so I just sat there and wallowed in it. I could have walked over to other people, said 'screw him' and made other friends. Which is what Id do now

My point is, you both are a little in the wrong here, but HE is the one that is being emotionally abusive, in my opinion. He knows he can treat you like s***, so he does. But you are guilty of letting it happen and not standing up for yourself...but I know that that can be hard when you dont feel good about yourself.
Whats funny is that your husband probably has worse self-esteem than you do. Why put the woman who he supposedly 'loves' down every day, flirt with other women, tell her breasts are the only thing that counts in a female, and leave her stranded on the side of the road...why do ALL those things if he actually feels good about who he is?? He feels good about treating you like crap b/c he gets a rise out of having the control. I can guarantee you, deep inside him there is a weak little boy.
So, first things first- we have to build up your self-esteem!! I agree with the others- GO TO THE GYM. Get the endorphins pumping And you will feel better about how you look. Go shopping or get your hair done etc etc. Start going out with friends more instead of doing everything with him.
And STOP taking his crap!!! You can only be treated how you allow yourself to be treated, which is something I learned about a year ago

 
Old 10-27-2006, 01:55 PM   #8
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

well I'm sure he didn't start acting like this overnight.....why did you marry this arrogant obnoxious man?

 
Old 10-27-2006, 02:12 PM   #9
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

I totally agree with the others.

There are other men out there who will love you unconditionally, who will love you more than any other woman on the planet, who will treat you with respect and love and kindness. You sound like a very attractive, beautiful women who is smart. I'm also very impressed with your English.

Your husband is emotionally abusive, which is a sign that he could turn physically abusive. And he's not going to change - I'm sure that's why his two "babies' mommas" (children's mothers) left him too.

Are you an immigrant? Try to find if there are any resources for women like you in your area. My city has many resources that could help if you were here. They can help you find a different place to live, help you get a job if you need to, and help you get a lawyer to get a divorce. Then you can find a "real man" who will treat you like you deserve. How great would that be?

 
Old 10-29-2006, 03:28 PM   #10
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

Thank you everybody for your encouraging words and for the advice. It means a lot to me. Why I married him is a question that I don't know the answer to! It might have been the illusion that I needed a partner at 30!! I am so scared that this mental intimidation is never going to stop. I resent being "mentally" punished for no big sin. Even worse, I have started to internalise this low treatment and I really try to avoid annoying him, even if this meant compromising on my values. It sucks big time, but what should I do? It saves me days of unnecessary heartache. I know this is only a short-term solution.

Today I tried to explain to him that I do suffer from premenstraul depression, and yes I do have a bad temper sometimes, I admit it. But a husband is supposed to be supportive. He never is. He does exactly what provokes further arguments. He doesn't know how to say "am sorry"! Yesterday too, we had an argument!! AGAIN!!! I was doing overtime and he was supposed to get up for something else...but when I woke him up, he just shouted at me. I left in tears but decided not to confornt him. Don'y know anymore. if he hates me that much, WHY did he marry me?
My plate is full, and I felt quite hurt but I ignored him.

 
Old 10-29-2006, 03:56 PM   #11
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Re: Newly wed and feel so down already: any advice?

Hi there nonamewoman

I also relate to you..our situations sound really similar. I am also in my late twenties and lived with my English partner for 3 years, away from my family and friends. We were due to get married a year ago but actually, unlike you, didn't.
I have lived these fears of walking on eggshells all the time. I had to accept his drunkness because his ex didn't allow him to see his son, and I had to put up with his passivity in matters that were so crucial in our lives: things to do with some members his family intruding our lives/financial issues/etc. The bad news is that nothing sorted itself out. I had to leave my own flat only after weeks of moving in. Only whenI left, he is re-evaluating his attitude towards me. Don't know if he is completely changed. I know it is more difficult when you are married. My only advice is widen your social circles and have as many friends as you can. This is all you need. Break his contro lover you by having your own independent life and NEVER measure your worth against his praise. You are worth far more than that.

 
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