I guess I just need to vent, but comments are appreciated.
I just feel so confused in my relationship. I don't know why even. Basically my guy tells me he loves me but I have NO idea why he does and I pretty much don't beleive him. I try to convince him that he doesn't know what he's talking about, that he's confused in his feelings and that what he's experiencing isn't love and just some sort of infatuation thing and that it will pass with time...but he just wont have it. he says he knows how he feels and it's really too bad that I can' trust/believe him. I really can't though. And here's yet another problem I have. Everytime I start to become somewhat close to him (as in emotionally open, available, vulnerable), it's as if a switch goes off in my head and I start to push myself away and close off. I seem to self sabatoge. I've noticed i'll say mean things to him, almost as if to test him or something. I don't want to leave him, and I dont want him to leave me but sometimes I just feel like I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. I just CANNOT allow myself to open up and to be vulnerable. I mean, sure, i like spending time with him, I like the physical aspect of our relationship but I just can't let my guard down (we've been dating for 3 months btw). Everytime I start to feel the slightest bit attached to him, evertime I feel that I want to be with him, or I want to call him I just get so disgusted with myself and tell myself to snap out of it. WHY????? WHY DO I DO THIS?
it's such a horrible cycle. I'll get to this point where I'll feel so happy, and I'll feel emotions for him and I'll try to be open and honost, but right as that starts happening something within me immedietly stops it from progressing. I start to push away and shut down. He definitely notices it. How can i stop? Why do i do this?
You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
And it seems to me that you don't love yourself at all. You sound like you feel that you don't deserve to be loved or even treated well, really. Now, as to WHY you feel that way, I don't know.
So you're right, you're not emotionally ready for a relationship. But, don't beat yourself up over it.
Are there things that happened to you in your past that have caused your lack of self-love and self esteem? To overcome those events or people or situations -- whatever it was -- and to learn to love yourself, well, that can take years of therapy. It's not easy, but you have to stop blaming others and have to start putting yourself first, believing in yourself and knowing -- without question -- that you're worthy and deserving of love. Because you are. We all are.
I know the feeling minnesotagirl. Whenever a guy likes me this little voice in my head tells me "no he doesn't, there's no way anyone could ever like you" The same voice constantly reminds me of all the bad things about myself (usually the ones I can't change). It's horrible! I hate it.
Wow. I guess the saying is true. You really can't love someoen else before you learn to love yourself.
Well, I don't really love myself, I never have. I just have issues with my appearance and a whole lot of other things. I just don't know how to get over this... I feel so awkward when he tells me he loves me and I just go silent and never say anything back. One time I said "thanks", a few other times I said things along the lines of, " no you don't." and "are you sure...?". It's mostly just silence though, and a hug or something. It's just so strange.
Those situations really make me wonder how he feels though...it must be horrible to be so open with someoen who refuses to be open in return.
i wish i had a solution. i just want to emphathize here. i was with a man for a long time (years!) and still questioned if he really loved me---not because I didn't see myself as lovable, but moreover because i doubted his abilities to really introspect his affections for me.