I guess I just need to vent, but comments are appreciated.
I just feel so confused in my relationship. I don't know why even. Basically my guy tells me he loves me but I have NO idea why he does and I pretty much don't beleive him. I try to convince him that he doesn't know what he's talking about, that he's confused in his feelings and that what he's experiencing isn't love and just some sort of infatuation thing and that it will pass with time...but he just wont have it. he says he knows how he feels and it's really too bad that I can' trust/believe him. I really can't though. And here's yet another problem I have. Everytime I start to become somewhat close to him (as in emotionally open, available, vulnerable), it's as if a switch goes off in my head and I start to push myself away and close off. I seem to self sabatoge. I've noticed i'll say mean things to him, almost as if to test him or something. I don't want to leave him, and I dont want him to leave me but sometimes I just feel like I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship. I just CANNOT allow myself to open up and to be vulnerable. I mean, sure, i like spending time with him, I like the physical aspect of our relationship but I just can't let my guard down (we've been dating for 3 months btw). Everytime I start to feel the slightest bit attached to him, evertime I feel that I want to be with him, or I want to call him I just get so disgusted with myself and tell myself to snap out of it. WHY????? WHY DO I DO THIS?
it's such a horrible cycle. I'll get to this point where I'll feel so happy, and I'll feel emotions for him and I'll try to be open and honost, but right as that starts happening something within me immedietly stops it from progressing. I start to push away and shut down. He definitely notices it. How can i stop? Why do i do this?
Ugggghhhhh sooooooo frustrated!