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Old 10-27-2006, 07:38 AM   #1
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Secrets

My fiance thinks I invade his privacy when I say we shouldn't have any secrets on e-mail passwords or any other secrets. I grew up with the belief that two people become sort of like one, sharing everything especially if you have plans to get married.
What is your opinion on that? He thinks I want to be controlling, but I want to live with the truth - he's already lied to me on a couple of things which I found very hurtful.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 08:24 AM   #2
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Re: Secrets

every person needs some type of privacy. if you feel you need his email password, i'm wondering why. if you don't trust him and you feel the need to check up on what he's doing, then maybe you shouldn't be getting married. no matter what you do you can't force someone to tell you the truth. trying to have his passwords and making sure he doesn't have privacy isn't going to help. if he really wanted to hide something, all that wouldn't stop it.

 
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Old 10-27-2006, 08:29 AM   #3
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Re: Secrets

Yes, there are reasons why I want him to be completely open with me - he has a female friend that he shares a lot with, they are connected mentally on a lot of things because they've been friends for a long time and they confide in each other. I believe when a man gets married the only person he should make his best friend is his wife.
We've been together for 4 years and were not able move on on this basis of trust and women- his attachment to her and how I am not willing to accept that.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 08:29 AM   #4
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Re: Secrets

What exactly did he lie to you about??

I think that there needs to be a balance between sharing things with your partner while still remaining an individual with your own life, which means having your own personal email password. Then, you have TRUST in your partner that they aren't doing anything to hurt you. If you can't TRUST your fiance, then you have much deeper relationship problems. Perhaps you have your own self-esteem problems that cause you to feel like he might stray from you -- I don't know, but that is quite often the case when someone lacks trust. Of course, I don't know what he lied to you about or if you have good reason to not trust him (such as he cheated before). In that case, then why are you with him? Why are you with someone you can't trust?

You definately don't want to be in a relationship where your partner thinks you are controlling them.

Perhaps he did you wrong in the past, or perhaps you don't feel worthy to be with him, thinking he can "do better" and therefore you don't trust him -- I don't know. BUT, I think your fiance is right in that he should be able to have his own email password.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 08:36 AM   #5
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Re: Secrets

He should be able to have this female friend that he's known for years and years. Has there ever been anything between them, like anything physical? If no, then it is not going to happen now if it hasn't happened yet. I bet they think of each other like a brother/sister kind of thing. You can't really stand in the way of that.

My boyfriend also has a very good female friend that he's known since they were about 10 years old. She's also very attractive, smart and funny. So, when we first started dating, I was confused -- why didn't my boyfriend ever date her, they seemed so perfect for each other. Well, the fact is, they never did -- they've always just been only friends. I would get jealous from time to time when they would hang out alone together. What was up with that? Well, nothing! They are just friends. What I did to overcome this was I became friends with her myself. She actually reached out to me, too. And today, she is one of MY best friends. I'm going to be a bride's maid in her wedding next year, and my BF will be a groom's man. It is going to be so much fun! I really love her a lot and I'm so glad I was able to overcome my jealousy and that we're all such good friends now. I don't mind AT ALL if my boyfriend and her hang out alone, or when they talk about old times together and laugh at things I know nothing about. I actually think it is good that he has a female friend like that.

So -- is that an option for you -- to become friends with her as well?

 
Old 10-27-2006, 08:49 AM   #6
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Re: Secrets

well, first off - i know for a fact he's attracted to her - that for me is just mindbogglin' right there - i ain't gon have a man who he confides in a chick he's attracted to on top of all things - tha't disgusting.

second, i reached out to her years ago, cried and told her how i felt - she basically said, forget it, who are you to enter into OUR lives and tell us what to do, and he agreed with her. she's very different from me and unfortunately we would never be able to be friends. she's controlling her husband and it seems she's got my man on a leash too, but he thinks it's his free will not any manipulation from her (though, one has to wonder, cuz she was the first woman he started talkin' to about everything, and he said he really enjoyed gettin' a woman's perspective on things).

 
Old 10-27-2006, 08:55 AM   #7
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Re: Secrets

How do you know he's attracted? Did he tell you this?

But, I'm starting to understand a bit more about your problem here. I don't think the issue is email passwords at all. You should be able to trust him to have his own email, yet you feel he is violating your relationship by sharing intimate conversations with another woman.

One question: When she said "who are you to tell us what to do" -- what exactly does that mean? What were you telling them to do?

So, are you worried that he confides in her about things that he wouldn't tell you? I guess I can see your worry there. But if this is the case, then you have deeper issues with HIM that should be addressed before you get married. Why can't he talk to you about everything? What is he afraid to share with you? There seems to be a communication problem here.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 09:01 AM   #8
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Re: Secrets

you should re-consider your upcoming marriage......I'm not gonna mince words here.....if you go thru with it I predict you will be divorced within a few years. You don't have trust, you think you're going to control his contact with his friend......it's just not gonna work....save yourself the time, money, and heartache.....end this one or you will end up divorced.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 09:24 AM   #9
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Re: Secrets

Yea, thanks for the heads up - that's exactly the reason I haven't made the big step yet- we've been going back and forth over the same thing and never came to an understanding.
He doesn't feel he should sacrifice any of his friend be it female or male EVEN if it means me and him will not be together.
I'm very family oriented and I eagerly await the day I will have a child, as for him, he would like to but is not crying over it if he happens to turn 50 and still be single or have no kids. At the same time he says he can't let go of me and if I want him back each time, he'll come back.
Arrggghh....

 
Old 10-27-2006, 09:40 AM   #10
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Re: Secrets

well it sounds like you're just not compatable on the family thing....you want kids, he doesn't really care if he does or doesn't.....

this relationship will be a constant struggle.....do you really want to live like that?

 
Old 10-27-2006, 11:23 AM   #11
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Re: Secrets

and he thinks it's still worth it going to counselling, even thought we've done it twice now....

 
Old 10-27-2006, 12:18 PM   #12
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Re: Secrets

Oh, and how do I know he's attracted to her? He said it.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 12:20 PM   #13
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Re: Secrets

Grac - why don't you just end this before you get in too deep.....let him have her......it's not worth the stress....

 
Old 10-27-2006, 12:45 PM   #14
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Re: Secrets

It sounds to me like you should seriously consider Rose's advice. I mean, here your fiance tells you he finds his friend attractive (something I personally think he should have just kept to himself, or at least added "but you're the most beautiful woman in the world to me"), and then he has intimate conversations with her -- and about things that he can't even tell his own potential wife. Doesn't he see a problem with that? I mean, no wonder you need counseling -- doesn't he see how all that has hurt you? I'm surprised the counselor didn't ream him for these things.

Also, how great of a friend is his female friend to him if she's going to be so mean to her good friend's fiance? When you asked her about these things or told her your concerns and tried to be her friend, she should have been more compansionate to you. I'm sure your fiance doesn't like being caught in the middle of this, either, and she should understand that and be a more respectful friend -- to him. See, I don't think she is being a good friend to him with her actions towards you.

Last edited by minnesotagirl; 10-27-2006 at 01:23 PM.

 
Old 10-27-2006, 01:03 PM   #15
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Re: Secrets

It shouldn't be this hard. Love isnt supposed to be so complicated. You should be 1000% sure of your partner before even considering him as your husband.

You deserve someone who puts you FIRST. Someone who puts your feelings FIRST. Someone who will care about your feelings. If this bothers you so much, your BF should do whatever it takes to make it right.

OK, friends are friends, but if you guys get married, he's not going to spend the rest of his life with her. I dont think theres anything wrong with having female acquaintances (spelling?) but when its time to grow up and have a family, your freinds just arent as important.

It sounds like if you get married, you are going to have to deal with him talking to her everyday, spending time with her, etc. What happens when you have kids? If she is so important to him, shes going to want to meet his child. But you don't even speak to her? How is that going to work?

It sounds like you know that you shouldnt marry him. DONT SETTLE.

If you arent 100% happy--- and he's not willing to change things to make you 100% happy--- end it.

 
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