Long story short - I have been close friends with a girl for about six months. I grew to develop boyfriend-girlfriend feelings toward her, and finally got the courage to tell her how I felt. She just recently got out of a long-term relationship with a boyfriend (with him about a year) and has not been without a boyfriend for a significant period of time for a long time. Anyway, she said it was not the right time, and that she was not interested in getting into a relationship with anybody now. Essentially, she wants to be on her own for a while and learn what she wants to do with her life (we are both in our early 20s). She said she would not shut the door on something happening down the road however, and she did not seem uncomfortable talking about the situation (like uninterested girls might).
After looking at these message boards, I am a little disheartened. It seems like everyone here thinks that this type of response means that she is just feeding me a line, that I am and always will be a friend, that she will never be interested, that I need to get away from her, etc.
What are people's opinions on this? Do you think it is possible that she is really just telling me the truth?
Also, what are your recommendations on how best to handle the situation going forward?
I grant that you are disppointed in her saying no to you, or rather let's wait, but I am sure you'd very surprised if she had said yes. Wouldn't you think that she was selling herself very cheap, so to say? In a way, her putting you off has made her appear even more attractive to you, I guess.
I am afraid there is not much direct work for you to do now. You have to work behind the curtains, as it were. Try to get to know her better, possibly through her friends, and find out why she broke up with her ex, so that you won't repeat the mistake with her.
I don't know how often you'll be seeing her these days, but don't overdo it. Make you as presentable as possible (behaviour, words, clothes, etc), but don't show off. Act naturally. Be a good company, but don't keep telling jokes all the way. Be available, but don't be around all the time. Life goes on and you have got other things to do. After maybe five-six months, reach for her again. Invite her alone to a drink or something. If she accepts the invitation, you have a chance. Don't learn by heart clever lines to say. Just try to see how she is reacting to you. Next time around lay the cards on the table, with a reference to the past (showing you have been patient!). Be prepared for anything.
One thing I neglected to mention is that we are also coworkers. I am now noticing a problem. It seems like she is avoiding me, except for strictly professional situations. Obviously, she was not uncomfortable when I told her, but she is now. Is this to be expected?
I guess her actions now could be to try and not give you the wrong impression, or appear to be leading you on. She's made it clear that, for now at least, she isn't interested in getting together with you. In effect you may as well consider this the same as her saying she's "not interested" full stop.
Of course, there is a chance she might change her mind, but what if she doesn't? Do you really want to waste time pursuing her for nothing?
If I were you I would assume you can be nothing more than friends for now - either tell her that you're happy just being her friend, which might make her feel more comfortable around you, or be honest with her and tell her that you can't be great friends knowing it won't go any further. Then you need to keep your distance as much as possible (hard if you work together though).
I don't see that there is any more you can do. She's made her decision and it isn't likely you can *do* anything to change her mind. Don't wait around.
[QUOTE=MizzouFan1985]What are people's opinions on this? Do you think it is possible that she is really just telling me the truth?
Also, what are your recommendations on how best to handle the situation going forward?[QUOTE]
I absolutely think that she could be telling you the truth about why she said no. I think it is very common for a girl her age to not want to be involved with someone else right away after a relationship, and instead they want to be single for awhile and figure out what they want. That is very common and actually, it is very smart thinking on her part, because she does need to do all of that.
When you say she seemed comfortable when she gave you the response, I bet that is because she was telling you the truth. That is a good sign. Also, the fact that she mentions a future possibility says to me that she doesn't find you repulsive or anything -- I think that puts you in the "dateable" category for her. But, just remember that you may be in that category, but she doesn't want to date anyone right now.
So, I say to not get disheartened, especially not from advice given to others on this board who were in completely different situations.
She may be avoiding you now to just let it fade away for a time, just so you don't flirt with her or anything. Who knows, maybe she is tempted to go out with you but she knows it is not good for her at this point? Or, maybe she's really not avoiding you at all, but you're just now paranoid about it. You said "it seems like she is avoiding me" -- what it "seems like" to you and what it really is, can be two different things. I'd give it more time, then try to just go back to your normal friendship. Of course the nature of that friendship may be a bit different now, but that is to be expected. Maybe start dating someone else - that would ease tension with her.
Minnesotagirl, thank you for your comments. I do get disheartened by going online, as most people tell me this girl is blowing me off. What really bothers me are people who say that this shows the girl that I am some kind of wuss and telling her how I feel was the biggest mistake I could make because I lose some power over her.
Doesn't that say how disfunctional our relationships have become in this society? Anyway, your perspective is refreshing and appreciated.
Well, things have seemed to stabilize a bit. She is acting more friendly toward me, but we are no longer discussing personal matters (hers or mine). I think this is a happy medium for as long as we work together, keeping a certain distance.
Telling her how you feel was the right move. It could be she was genuine about not wanting a relationship after just leaving one. I could see that as a real situation. Also, she may need a friend and value you more in that regard. This doesn't mean the realationship can't become more.
Go on a date with another girl and see her reaction. Not to make her jealous per say but to see if she opens up about your personal life once it's not mixed with hers.
The big question is can you still keep her as a friend or are your feelings in the way of the that happening?
I do have no regrets about telling her how I feel. The challenge now is dealing with the fact that the relationship has changed. Whatever the reason is that she has chosen to distance herself from me, it is hard to deal with. I am hesistant to push her too hard (like saying "what's your problem") because it would look like I am impatient.
I don't have a problem keeping her as a friend, because I believe that is the basis of a strong relationship. However, it just may not be the same thought process for her.
Now I am getting really confused...she has rebounded and started to get close again, and she gave me a Christmas present yesterday at work (while I didn't get her anything, because I didn't expect anything). On the flip side, she still doesn't seem comfortable with the idea of doing things together outside of work. She continues to say that she does not want to be in a relationship with anyone, and she says she has not dated...any comments?For what it's worth, one of my guy friends told me he thought she was putting up a boundary because if we did things together during non-work time, it could lead somewhere she is not ready to go yet.