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Old 10-28-2006, 01:27 AM   #1
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Question Should I approach her?

I have an unusual question. I just started dating this girl a about two months ago and everything is fine. The only problem is, sometimes her eyes cross, like a cross eyed look, and I want to ask her about it. At the same time I don't want to make her mad or embarrass her either. Should I say anything? I'm very attracted to her and care about her a lot, I'm just curious about why her eyes cross sometimes and if she has some vision problems. What should I do?

 
Old 10-28-2006, 03:13 AM   #2
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Re: Should I approach her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mikeyboy
I have an unusual question. I just started dating this girl a about two months ago and everything is fine. The only problem is, sometimes her eyes cross, like a cross eyed look, and I want to ask her about it. At the same time I don't want to make her mad or embarrass her either. Should I say anything? I'm very attracted to her and care about her a lot, I'm just curious about why her eyes cross sometimes and if she has some vision problems. What should I do?
I wouldn't ask about anything, now. Two months isn't long enough. Just wait a little longer, and maybe you'll be hearing her own commentary on it, which will show that she is already rather intimate with you and trusts in you.

But somehow I am afraid this is really bothering you. Maybe you think this is a blemish on her. I guess you are standing at a crossroads now. Because, assuming that it is a permanent condition for her, you'd have to accept her that way and give up your perfectionism.

However, if you are just eager to know what it is and sure that it wouldn't make you care less for her, you could take the risk of asking someone else about it, with the greatest diplomacy and tact possible. Well, there's always potential danger that the informer tells her on you and she gets upset because you are not asking her directly. On second thoughts, you'd be better to wait for an answer, for sooner than you expect, you'll be in the know. See if you can overlook this "defect". If you can't, maybe you don't care for her that much and maybe you'll start looking for additional defects about her and find a pretext to leave.

JC

 
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Old 10-29-2006, 01:45 PM   #3
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Re: Should I approach her?

Thanks for the input... I don't really look at this as a defect on her, I'm just a very curious person and it drives me crazy not knowing whats wrong with her eyes now that I've started the care for her. At the same time, she is a very sensitive person and I feel like she will think I find her unattractive if I bring it up. I know I would be very insecure about something like that too. Still, its driving me crazy and I feel like I have to find out. Am I being silly?

 
Old 10-29-2006, 02:12 PM   #4
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brazilman HB User
Re: Should I approach her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mikeyboy
Thanks for the input... I don't really look at this as a defect on her, I'm just a very curious person and it drives me crazy not knowing whats wrong with her eyes now that I've started the care for her. At the same time, she is a very sensitive person and I feel like she will think I find her unattractive if I bring it up. I know I would be very insecure about something like that too. Still, its driving me crazy and I feel like I have to find out. Am I being silly?
Hi,

Well, I am not sure you are being silly, but certainly a little bit too anxious. Maybe you could look at this as a test for your patience? Or maybe you could try to talk to other people about it (a medical student or someone like that) or do some research on the web, if it is really driving you crazy. I wouldn't risk talking to her about it now, but I am quite certain that she will bring it up at the right time. If not, you will bring it up yourself when you are intimate enough for it. After some time together, people should have no secrets for each other, people should be able to talk about anything whatsoever. So, just take your time.

On second thoughts, could it be the case that you think she has not yet perceived her own "problem"? Probably she doesn't even have an answer, and this will leave you doubly embarrassed.

Anyway, I think the best strategy is for you to wait or do some research on your own. Ask yourself: why do I so much long to know what it is? Do I think I can help her fix it? Do I want to know if it is something treatable or not? Would it make a difference?

JC

 
Old 10-29-2006, 02:51 PM   #5
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Re: Should I approach her?

Maybe, next time you see her do it, ask a general question like, "are you ok?" Then if she asks why, don't make a big deal out of it, just say something like, "you just seemed to look at me a little funny" or something. Play naive, like you've never noticed it before. If she wants to tell you about it, but doesn't just want to be like, "oh, by the way, my eyes go crossed sometimes, ever since my big brother hit me on the back when we were kids", a conversation like that might make it easy for her to casually mention, "my eyes cross sometimes, my doctor says I have a weak strabismus muscle, but I've never wanted to go through surgery to fix it." BUT, if she just says it's nothing, don't press her on it, either she doesn't realize that she does it, or it's a sensitive issue for her.

 
Old 10-29-2006, 05:12 PM   #6
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Re: Should I approach her?

I disagree with pretending that you don't notice or continuing not to say anything. It's like a giant elephant in the room. I think you should just ask her, perhaps in a lull in the conversation. It just sounds like a lazy eye, in which case you could simply ask if she's tired. I had that as a kid but it only acted up when I was exhausted. Maybe you could even research it a bit on the internet before you ask her.

Also, I once dated someone with a similar problem- he was blind in one eye, so it always looked a little off. He was really open about it, though, bringing it up the first night we met. Maybe she's so used to it she forgets that other people see it, and just never thought to say anything.

 
Old 10-30-2006, 12:42 AM   #7
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Re: Should I approach her?

Quote:
Originally Posted by bulletproof
I disagree with pretending that you don't notice or continuing not to say anything. It's like a giant elephant in the room. I think you should just ask her, perhaps in a lull in the conversation. It just sounds like a lazy eye, in which case you could simply ask if she's tired. I had that as a kid but it only acted up when I was exhausted. Maybe you could even research it a bit on the internet before you ask her.

Also, I once dated someone with a similar problem- he was blind in one eye, so it always looked a little off. He was really open about it, though, bringing it up the first night we met. Maybe she's so used to it she forgets that other people see it, and just never thought to say anything.
Bulletproof

You have opened my eyes! Your reasoning does make sense.

If not knowing what it is makes our friend wonder and suffer, then he should be straightforward about it and ask her. If she is upset, he will find a way to reassure her. Maybe she is even waiting to be asked, for a chance to speak.

Now, on second thoughts, I feel that bringing up this issue (but in a serious fashion, without making fun of it) opens a window for dialogue and will tell each one something about the other one.

JC

 
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