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Old 10-28-2006, 11:52 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: saint paul
Posts: 155
Mvhrt HB User
Abandoned

I don't know if i'm looking for advice or if I just need to vent but i had been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and am now currently almost eight months pregnant. He is an alcholic... which really really sucks... not like a mean drunk or an angry drunk or anything like that just a really big drinker like his life depends on it.
Last weekend i decided to ban alcohol from my house because I am sick of him getting so drunk to the point that i have to baby sit him so that he doesn't accidently hurt himself or choke on his on vomit etc etc... i'm also sick of his drunk friends being around... i'm pregnant the last thing i want to do is watch people party and then have to clean up after them.
So on Thursday he picked a fight with me via text messages and as soon as he did i knew where it was going.. he's done this in the past just so he has an exuse not to come home and instead go get drunk somewhere. Well the last time he pulled one of these disapearing acts that were becoming to close in time for my taste i told him that was it... and he said he understood and promised he wouldn't do it again... but he did...with full knowledge of what i said the outcome would be. Not only did he disapear on me on Thursday but he turned his phone off so i couldn't call him and no one knew where he really was which also makes me think he may have been cheating on me since we haven't had sex in months because "i'm pregnant and it's weird" according to him. When I finally got ahold of him it was midnight and he was highly intoxicated and i had been having contractions all day due to this added stress and he replied with a - good i hope it hurts and hung up on me and turned his phone off.
Yesterday when i talked to him he told me that he wasn't sorry and that i had it coming to me but then kept sending me text messages claiming to "love" me. I think he just wants to keep living off of me whatever the case it really really sucks. I already have three children from a previous relationship and this would be my fourth child and i really don't want to be the single parent of four children so now i'm faced with questions i didn't think i'd have to face such as... how about adoption? Or how about I sign my rights away because i can't do this alone.. i'm a full time college student and have a hard enough time making ends meet. This is absolutly devastating me and I really feel like I shouldn't take him back whether i am pregnant or not because if he is pulling this crap where he doesn't come home sometimes now while i'm pregnant (and it only started when i was pregnant) then what is he going to do after the baby is here? And if i go back on my word of leaving him if he did what he did again then i become a doormat and i'm sick of being a doormat i feel like i have a bit more worth than that.

 
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Old 10-28-2006, 12:49 PM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Br
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brazilman HB User
Re: Abandoned

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mvhrt
I don't know if i'm looking for advice or if I just need to vent but i had been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and am now currently almost eight months pregnant. He is an alcholic... which really really sucks... not like a mean drunk or an angry drunk or anything like that just a really big drinker like his life depends on it.
Last weekend i decided to ban alcohol from my house because I am sick of him getting so drunk to the point that i have to baby sit him so that he doesn't accidently hurt himself or choke on his on vomit etc etc... i'm also sick of his drunk friends being around... i'm pregnant the last thing i want to do is watch people party and then have to clean up after them.
So on Thursday he picked a fight with me via text messages and as soon as he did i knew where it was going.. he's done this in the past just so he has an exuse not to come home and instead go get drunk somewhere. Well the last time he pulled one of these disapearing acts that were becoming to close in time for my taste i told him that was it... and he said he understood and promised he wouldn't do it again... but he did...with full knowledge of what i said the outcome would be. Not only did he disapear on me on Thursday but he turned his phone off so i couldn't call him and no one knew where he really was which also makes me think he may have been cheating on me since we haven't had sex in months because "i'm pregnant and it's weird" according to him. When I finally got ahold of him it was midnight and he was highly intoxicated and i had been having contractions all day due to this added stress and he replied with a - good i hope it hurts and hung up on me and turned his phone off.
Yesterday when i talked to him he told me that he wasn't sorry and that i had it coming to me but then kept sending me text messages claiming to "love" me. I think he just wants to keep living off of me whatever the case it really really sucks. I already have three children from a previous relationship and this would be my fourth child and i really don't want to be the single parent of four children so now i'm faced with questions i didn't think i'd have to face such as... how about adoption? Or how about I sign my rights away because i can't do this alone.. i'm a full time college student and have a hard enough time making ends meet. This is absolutly devastating me and I really feel like I shouldn't take him back whether i am pregnant or not because if he is pulling this crap where he doesn't come home sometimes now while i'm pregnant (and it only started when i was pregnant) then what is he going to do after the baby is here? And if i go back on my word of leaving him if he did what he did again then i become a doormat and i'm sick of being a doormat i feel like i have a bit more worth than that.
Hi

Seems you both want advice and need to vent. There are a few questions unanswered, however.

Whose house is this? Where are your other kids? Do you get any financial help from their father?

It is very difficult to tell what to do. We can only encourage you to make a decision, and the most urgent one is to make him leave. The question is how.

He may feel he has a right to stay in the house, and then again you are pregnant with his child. Can you separate father from child just because you don't want him anymore or just becasue he is an alcoholic? And can you give the child up for adoption without his consent?

I think you are in a bad fix, and you possibly need some legal advice, really. Can you get it somehow? The most vulnerable person is the unborn child. It is not fair to make him or her suffer. If the child has to suffer, let it be the least possible.

I don't think adoption would be a bad idea, as long as the father agrees to it. I don't know why, but I don't think you should withdraw yourself completely from this child. Well I know why: it is because you are not actually rejecting it, but it is because you feel you can't afford to keep it.

Haven't you got a sister or sibling, a close relative or a dear friend with whom you could leave the child, however keeping in touch with it as it grows up and eventually bringing it back "home", if adequate? I don't know what you call it, but it could be something like "co-parenting", you know.

As for your boy-friend and yourself, you seem to be on very different levels of maturity. The most obvious example: you have already three kids, and what does he know about life? Besides, he appears to be offensive to you and incurable.

Yes, it'd help you to get this man out of your life, stay in touch with your child and be more selective next time around.

Hope this helps you a little bit.

JC

 
Old 10-28-2006, 01:10 PM   #3
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Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 122
missbrit HB User
Re: Abandoned

what a thoughtful response from JC. I hope that it helps. i work in adoptions and there are many great couples out there who desperatly want to adopt if that becomes your desire (and only you can decide this), know that there are people who will love and care for your child as their own.

 
Old 10-28-2006, 01:12 PM   #4
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Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: saint paul
Posts: 155
Mvhrt HB User
Re: Abandoned

To answer your questions... it's my house and he willingly left it. The other kids are at their dads on the weekends and with me on the weekdays and yes he does help me out financially. I can't give the child up for adoption without his consent and i do believe his family wants the baby but these aren't good people and i'm not just saying that because i'm mad. I wouldn't seperate him and his child because he is an alcoholic but what kind of a father would he be? My father was an alcoholic and i have nothing but terrible memories of him. Children look up to their parents to set their paths in life... I don't think him being an alcoholic and raising a child is whats best for the child.
I don't have many family connections because my family is very small and most of them don't live in this state so i can't get any support from them. The ones who live here are busy raising their own families and the like. As far as friends are concerened I don't really have many of those either that's why i'm posting on some random board on the internet because i don't really have anyone to talk to.
I'd say thought that yes we are at different levels of maturity... he's still stuck on age 17 i think. He doesn't have any other children just a lot of one night stands resulting in abortions in the past. He is my elder by almost three years but really does not act the part. His alcoholism has hurt him a lot in his life but he refuses treatment even though he is required to go due to a drunk driving incident he was involved in last September. I guess i'm not an alcoholic so i don't understand the mentality of letting your life fall apart just so you can get drunk and feel like crap the next day so you do it again.
Thank you JC though for a being a voice of reasoning. It's hard to think in terms of being reasonable right now since i have a hard enough time controlling my emotions since i am pregnant i'm really up and then really down and can't control it like i could before i was pregnant.

 
Old 10-29-2006, 12:00 PM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Br
Posts: 224
brazilman HB User
Re: Abandoned

Hi

I am sorry that, in a way, you are unable to see any light at the end of this tunnel. Eventually you will come out, but certainly you wish it wouldn't take that long.

I don't know what to say, but really I think you need someone REAL, in flesh and blood, to talk to. You don't want anyone to solve your problems, but mostly someone to listen to you.

I hope you can soon meet this someone. If this helps, I will be thinking about you in those terms.

JC

 
Old 10-29-2006, 02:45 PM   #6
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: The UK
Posts: 1,315
Nina000 HB User
Re: Abandoned

Hello there Mvhrt

Ok. First, I would like to let know that I do relate, and my heart really goes out to you. I know how devastating having an alcoholic bf could be! I have experienced this mental/physical strain that you live. Pregnancy must magnify it for you, unfortunately. But you have to be strong.

Ok, first of all, try to get him out your mind just until you give birth. But remember that chosing to have a child was also your decision, and you have to defend it and stay strong and healthy. I know it is very easy to feel vulnerable in this situation but think of it as temporary.

Second, NEVER EVER feel guilty/ about him. It is very important to remind yourself that whatever happens to his miserable a-s is HIS MISTAKE. Try to alienate yourself from him. Just refuse his drunken parties, and let him do it away from you. Don't accept to look after a punch of disrespectful adults (him and his friends) because this will not make him appreciate you more, on the contrary, it will make him take you for granted. Punish him by disappearing from his life. Try to learn relaxing habits (listen to calming music, think ahead of positive things, buy some aromatic candles...) Stay strong for your other kids too. They are worthy of your sanity and love more than this loser is. Maybe losing you could wake him up? Alcoholism IS an illness and YOU can't change him. He needs to admit it and seek help. How? this is really difficult and I never knew the answer to it. What I know is by staying with him you are not helping him.

So please focus on your health and your sanity now. Try to speak to a counsellor. Can you have telephone counselling? It helps massively to talk to someone about it.

I wish you well, and I hope that you make the right decision in the right time but in the meanwhile, all you can do is stay strong.

Last edited by Nina000; 10-29-2006 at 02:47 PM.

 
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