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Old 11-01-2006, 02:15 PM   #1
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grieving HB User
I think I might have made a mistake--

I married a wonderful man just 3 months ago after almost 3 years of dating. It is a second marriage for both of us. My younger son,24, died last Oct (05) and I have been grieving, obviously, ever since. My new husband is truly wonderful. He helped me through the awful aftermath of my son's death. He also helped me, when we first met, to move on after a horrible divorce. His wife died, and their marriage was a very happy one. This man is a true friend as well as a wonderful lover. We have many, many interests in common. But I feel that I never spent enough time alone after my first marriage dissovled, and that I might have been too deep in grief to marry. Yet marry him I did!
We have no real problems, the problem is me. I can't talk to him about this,I tried when we were dating, and he just doesn't get it. I can't see separating, but I becoming increasing miserable. I do try--I wake up and make every effort to be a loving, caring joyful wife. But it is getting harder and harder to do. Any advice?
I live in rural Appalachia and mental health care is almos non-existant.
Thanks for "listening".
Grieving

 
Old 11-01-2006, 02:35 PM   #2
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Re: I think I might have made a mistake--

well it sounds like your husband is a wonderful man, and the only real issue here is the "timing".....
maybe you could talk to a counsellor without your husband, so he doesn't feel threatened.....are there any services available to you? I know you said you live in the mountains, but possibly you could find something? I wouldn't seperate from your husband. He sounds like he's a pretty good support system, and a good hearted sincere person. Qualities like that aren't easy to find. Maybe you feel some guilt moving on with your life which includes your new husband, because you feel somehow that you shouldn't be happy since your son has died. I don't know the circumstances around your sons death, but I'm pretty sure that your son would want you to be happy. Moving on with your life doesn't mean you've left memories of your son behind. They will always be with you in your heart. I'm so sorry for your loss and for the sadness you feel. Maybe read some books about grief and loss and it will help you.

 
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Old 11-01-2006, 05:30 PM   #3
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Re: I think I might have made a mistake--

Quote:
Originally Posted by grieving
I married a wonderful man just 3 months ago after almost 3 years of dating. It is a second marriage for both of us. My younger son,24, died last Oct (05) and I have been grieving, obviously, ever since. My new husband is truly wonderful. He helped me through the awful aftermath of my son's death. He also helped me, when we first met, to move on after a horrible divorce. His wife died, and their marriage was a very happy one. This man is a true friend as well as a wonderful lover. We have many, many interests in common. But I feel that I never spent enough time alone after my first marriage dissovled, and that I might have been too deep in grief to marry. Yet marry him I did!
We have no real problems, the problem is me. I can't talk to him about this,I tried when we were dating, and he just doesn't get it. I can't see separating, but I becoming increasing miserable. I do try--I wake up and make every effort to be a loving, caring joyful wife. But it is getting harder and harder to do. Any advice?
I live in rural Appalachia and mental health care is almos non-existant.
Thanks for "listening".
Grieving
Well, maybe yes, you have made a mistake marrying this man, because although you say he is a wonderful person, you don't say explicitly that you love him. That he is a wonderful lover means perhaps what he feels for you, but not exactly what you feel for him.

On the other hand, you must be in your forties, maybe fifties, and those are ages when love doesn't count so much as friendship, partnership and security. So if you made a mistake, it wasn't a very big one. Since you both share so many interests, I don't see why living together with him wouldn't be pleasurable to you.

I understand that you are still grieving for your son, but I don't readily see the connection between his death and your feeling miserable in your marriage. Especially because you married before his death. I suppose it was a sudden death. If he was terminally ill, I don't think you would have taken the step towards marriage.

I think that maybe your problem is twofold. One reason for your misery is, as you state yourself, that you didn't have enough time alone after your first marriage broke up. The other reason could be that you probably think that you don't deserve to be happy and lastly that you can't make your present husband as happy as he was with his first wife. The death of your son of course adds to your sadness, but, not wanting to make little of your pain, I don't think it is clearly related to your marriage. You can't use it as a pretext for breaking up.

Indeed I think that separating from him now would be a second mistake and a bigger one for that matter. Two wrongs don't make a right. I am sure you still need some time before you can adjust to your new situation. You are perhaps a conservative person and changing has always been difficult for you.

I would suggest that you stay with your husband a longer time and see how it works before you make any decision to break up again. I am not asking you to pretend you are happy, but you could perhaps focus on the bright side of being with him and at the same time try to find activities that you can do by yourself, that is, alone, so that you can also have more time and space for yourself. If he doesn't understand your need for this, it's perhaps because he thinks you are unsure of your feelings.

Simply tell him that you want to stay with him, but things for you usually go at a much slower pace, and you would appreciate his patience as much as you admire his friendship and affection for you.

Best to you.

JC

 
Old 11-02-2006, 05:14 PM   #4
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Re: I think I might have made a mistake--

Well JMHO but being ALONE is way over-rated!!!!!!! Being alone is lonely and it SUCKS!!!!!!!
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Old 11-02-2006, 08:13 PM   #5
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Re: I think I might have made a mistake--

[QUOTE]
Quote:
Originally Posted by grieving
My new husband is truly wonderful. He helped me through the awful aftermath of my son's death. He also helped me, when we first met, to move on after a horrible divorce. His wife died, and their marriage was a very happy one. This man is a true friend as well as a wonderful lover. We have many, many interests in common.


Pardon me, but if this is all true then I don't see what is missing. Unless of course there is no chemistry... If that's the case my only offer of advice is to share secret sexual fantasies to try arousing or creating desire for one another.


Quote:
But I feel that I never spent enough time alone after my first marriage dissovled, and that I might have been too deep in grief to marry.

Enough time alone for WHAT? Honey, unless you think your "Mr. Right" is still somewhere out there, there's nothing you can't do in this marriage that you could have done single. If he's as wonderful as you say he is I don't envision you having any problems in getting what you desire, if you tell him. If you feel there is still someone else out there who you'd rather spend the rest of your life with, well, then maybe you were too deep in grief to marry. Perhaps you don't feel "In" love with him anymore or question if you ever really were?

If you are looking at this as a wrong decision because of the way you feel and not because of any particular reason, then yes you are the problem -- your attitude is to blame. Depression can cause feelings such as this so you might want to speak to your doctor. In the meantime, pretending to be joyful and caring won't do much other than remind you of how unhappy you are. You need to adjust your attitude -- take a good look at all that you HAVE, and not what you don't -- focus on the positive things only, and eventually you'll notice you aren't pretending anymore.

P.S. Sorry about your son.....

 
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