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Old 11-03-2006, 10:14 AM   #16
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brazilman HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by PitaL
...

The only solution would be for him to leave everything behind for me.
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing." Have you ever heard this before? It's from Pascal, the French philosopher. I don't know why, but think it might describe your situation very aptly.

Now let's go back to your quote above: "The only solution would be for him to leave everything behind for me." I may have missed something. I have read all the posts but quite in a hurry. So please answer me: what is holding him back from implementing "the only solution"? If the solution is in his hands, what is left for you to do, except hope that he will have the heart to do it? Isn't he a gentleman? Aren't you the prize of his life? Gosh, you have so much to lose if you follow him! Unless you are ready to give up your son, your job, your home, your every chance to come back to your original position, I would not go to him and trust my heart. But that's very very difficult for you. On the other hand, he has much less to lose in comparison.

I know you are in love with him, although it is an only two-meeting relationship, but you must not put your life at stake. These waters are too deep and dark for you. Don't plunge without a safety belt (lifebuoy).

He is the knight. He has already conquered your heart. He must now give his own blood to conquer your soul. If he can't, he doesn't deserve you.

In this case, break up with him, move on and I hope you can get over him as quickly as you fell for him.

Sorry if I sound too harsh.

The feeling that you have found the love of your life happened once, why can't it happen again and be even more tangible?

Best.

JC

Last edited by brazilman; 11-03-2006 at 10:21 AM.

 
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Old 11-03-2006, 10:34 AM   #17
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing." Have you ever heard this before? It's from Pascal, the French philosopher. I don't know why, but think it might describe your situation very aptly.
I really like that. It really does fit my situation. You know, the funny thing is, we both pride ourselves on our "reason"--lol! I think it's why we are both so frustrated by this situation. We know it's unreasonable.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
Now let's go back to your quote above: "The only solution would be for him to leave everything behind for me." I may have missed something. I have read all the posts but quite in a hurry. So please answer me: what is holding him back from implementing "the only solution"?
He has children as well. It's all about the kids right now. That is our only hold up. I feel like I would be asking him to give up his children for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
If the solution is in his hands, what is left for you to do, except hope that he will have the heart to do it? Isn't he a gentleman? Aren't you the prize of his life? Gosh, you have so much to lose if you follow him! Unless you are ready to give up your son, your job, your home, your every chance to come back to your original position, I would not go to him and trust my heart. But that's very very difficult for you. On the other hand, he has much less to lose in comparison.
Why do you feel he has less to lose by moving than I do? Not a trite question, a serious one, I want to know your opinion on this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
I know you are in love with him, although it is an only two-meeting relationship, but you must not put your life at stake. These waters are too deep and dark for you. Don't plunge without a safety belt (lifebuoy).

He is the knight. He has already conquered your heart. He must now give his own blood to conquer your soul. If he can't, he doesn't deserve you.

In this case, break up with him, move on and I hope you can get over him as quickly as you fell for him.

Sorry if I sound too harsh.

The feeling that you have found the love of your life happened once, why can't it happen again and be even more tangible?

Best.

JC
Doesn't seem harsh at all. I love your Analogies. I know this is what it has come to. We are at that point. It is up to him, and if it doesn't work out I know I will survive and move on. I just don't want to. Letting go is the hardest thing!

 
Old 11-03-2006, 10:35 AM   #18
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
Hey, sorry if some of my perceptions weren't completely accurate before (such as, you seem to have had time to yourself, etc.). It is always difficult to gauge a situation from a message board and we all have the tendency to jump to conclusions.
No worries

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
Anyway, so you want to heal from this situation. I think that is a good first step because if he's not willing to move to you (and you say you're totally unable to move to him), then it is the best thing to do, especially if this long term relationship is not acceptable for your or him. And, it is too expensive for you both to travel to see each other very often. It is just not reasonable at this point in your lives. Perhaps when your kids are older -- who knows what the future holds, right? But, it seems like the long distance is not acceptable to him, or he wouldn't have proposed the ultimatum.

I think you spend way too much time interacting with him on the phone and online. I think you need to start trying to find other interests and make some new friends. Plus, keeping in touch all day at work online -- not sure if your company would really like that (I'm not one to talk, I'm writing this while at work). Try to start limiting your time together. It may be hard at first. But, perhaps what you need to do is be apart for one week, no talk or email, and see what happens. Is he going to miss your conversations so much that perhaps he'll change his mind about moving? Or, during this time perhaps you can find other things to do. Go out and maybe take a class or go to the movies with your girlfriends.

This is what anyone would have to do if they are in a relationship that's not working. Like I said before if it was meant to happen, then it will be.

It is better to have loved than to not have loved at all. Focus on the good things he's shown you about life. I'm guessing that he's made you want to become a better person (usually love tends to do that if it is right)? Well then, start making those changes and don't be so down and depressed. I also think you can remain friends, but you need to cool it down by not talking for awhile. How does that sound?
Yes--- I think you are right about the time thing. It's horrible, like an addiction--lol. It will take a lot of strength, but I'm going to give it a try. oomph---this is going to be hard.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 10:46 AM   #19
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos

I know you are in love with him, although it is an only two-meeting relationship, but you must not put your life at stake. These waters are too deep and dark for you. Don't plunge without a safety belt (lifebuoy).

I don't know why I suddenly felt a need to clarify this, maybe for validation, I don't know. But... even though I know we only "met" twice. It's not like we went on two dates. One time he visited for 4 days, and on time for a week. So, while, still very little, it was somewhat exteneded time.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 10:47 AM   #20
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos

I know you are in love with him, although it is an only two-meeting relationship, but you must not put your life at stake. These waters are too deep and dark for you. Don't plunge without a safety belt (lifebuoy).

I don't know why I suddenly felt a need to clarify this, maybe for validation, I don't know. But... even though I know we only "met" twice. It's not like we went on two dates. One time he visited for 4 days, and one time for a week. So, while, still very little, it was somewhat exteneded time.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 10:47 AM   #21
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos

I know you are in love with him, although it is an only two-meeting relationship, but you must not put your life at stake. These waters are too deep and dark for you. Don't plunge without a safety belt (lifebuoy).

I don't know why I suddenly felt a need to clarify this, maybe for validation, I don't know. But... even though I know we only "met" twice. It's not like we went on two dates. One time he visited for 4 days, and one time for a week. So, while, still very little, it was somewhat exteneded time.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 10:50 AM   #22
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brook65 HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Hi there

I am really sorry, but I have to agree with what Rosequarzt has said.

She is so right with what she says, although ok your situation may well be different, and I hope it is.

I had a holiday romance with a guy, we spent two weeks together, when I came home, I swore I knew him inside out, was in love, the man I would marry. The romantic notion of, can't wait to meet up again etc etc.

Except a few months down the line, when we did meet up, he didn't match the 'continued relationship' in my head. I came down to earth with a bump, and realised that in two weeks you can not love someone, know they are the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I saw him in a differnet light, and thought ' hey this doesn't match the relationship in my head', you see when you don't see each other, you can play the relationship how you wish in your head.

I know you probably won't agree with me, it is just that I have been in this situation myself.

The point I am making is, you have seen him twice, and liked him obviously, but in the time since then, the relationship has carried on in your head the way you would expect it to carry on. But that is not reality, you need to spend more time with him in person, before you can declare undelying love.

If this guy is really serious about you, then he will make a way of making it happen.

I am sorry if I haven't been positive about this, it is just that it is so common.

Best wishes

Last edited by brook65; 11-03-2006 at 10:53 AM.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 10:59 AM   #23
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by brook65
Hi there

I am really sorry, but I have to agree with what Rosequarzt has said.

She is so right with what she says, although ok your situation may well be different, and I hope it is.

I had a holiday romance with a guy, we spent two weeks together, when I came home, I swore I knew him inside out, was in love, the man I would marry. The romantic notion of, can't wait to meet up again etc etc.

Except a few months down the line, when we did meet up, he didn't match the 'continued relationship' in my head. I came down to earth with a bump, and realised that in two weeks you can not love someone, know they are the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. I saw him in a differnet light, and thought ' hey this doesn't match the relationship in my head', you see when you don't see each other, you can play the relationship how you wish in your head.

I know you probably won't agree with me, it is just that I have been in this situation myself.

The point I am making is, you have seen him twice, and liked him obviously, but in the time since the relationship has carried on in your head the way you would expect it to carry on. But that is not reality, you need to spend more time with him in person, before you can declare undelying love.

If this guy is really serious about you, then he will make a way of making it happen.

I am sorry if I haven't been positive about this, it is just that it is so common.

Best wishes
Understand your point. But.... does that make it not worth finding out? Should we throw away every notion of love we may have because it hasn't worked out for yourself (I'm speaking of self in general, not you specifically) or others in the past? I can't do it. I consider myself a reasonable person, but I will admit I am a romantic as well.

I do think my initial post is being misinterpreted by some still, I am just trying to figure out a way to deal with it. I'm going to try some space, not so much contact, see where it goes. I'm still not willing to give up entirely (not yet), but I understand the "risk" involved too.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 11:18 AM   #24
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brook65 HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Yeah I understand you wanting to find out if your feelings and his feelings are correct! and yes you should perhaps find out, otherwise it will always be in your mind - if only, or what if?

The same went for me with the guy I met on holiday, I think everyone thought it wouldn't pan out, but I had to find that out for myself.

I think the point I and some others are trying to make is, be careful, I know it is hard, but try not to build your hopes up too much, keep realistic, you don't REALLY know him.

I'm like you romantic, are you a Cancer by any chance?

See what happens, if it is meant to be it will be, that is what I believe anyway.

Just stay focused on thinking he MAY not turn out as perfect as you thought, but if he does then that is a bonus.

Best of luck

 
Old 11-03-2006, 12:13 PM   #25
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by brook65
Yeah I understand you wanting to find out if your feelings and his feelings are correct! and yes you should perhaps find out, otherwise it will always be in your mind - if only, or what if?

The same went for me with the guy I met on holiday, I think everyone thought it wouldn't pan out, but I had to find that out for myself.

I think the point I and some others are trying to make is, be careful, I know it is hard, but try not to build your hopes up too much, keep realistic, you don't REALLY know him.

I'm like you romantic, are you a Cancer by any chance?

See what happens, if it is meant to be it will be, that is what I believe anyway.

Just stay focused on thinking he MAY not turn out as perfect as you thought, but if he does then that is a bonus.

Best of luck

Realistic and careful--reason for our dilemma. If we were being unrealistic and throwing caution to the wind, we would be together already

I'm a Leo.

I will be careful, but don't always have control of my emotional reactions, so I know it will hurt---that's really unavoidable at this point.

Thanks for your concern---really.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 12:16 PM   #26
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brazilman HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Hi PitaL!

Just see how quickly this thread is growing to be large. You have really managed to call our attention and interest.

I agree with brook65. I don't know if you are a Cancer (I know Cancers are said to be very much attached to their homes, btw), but I think it must feel to you as if you had found the unicorn. This man is like the unicorn for you, of which there is only one exemplary. It's natural that it hurts to lose him. Moreover because I think that you are the sort of person who has always kept your love life in the background, not giving it the priority. So now that you have met him, must you give him up again? Although I am a man, I can put myself in your shoes, and I know it is painful.

Somewhere, however, you talk about addiction. Maybe it is not so much an addiction as it is an attachment. Maybe you are more attached to the idea you make of this man (the unicorn) than to this man himself.

Tell me, if I may ask: when you first met him, were you looking for someone? Or you simply bumped into him? I think you have mentioned something about this, but I can't remember what it was exactly.

What I want to know is: were you very unhappy before you met him? Did you feel that something (someone) was missing in your life? If you hadn't met him, what would your life look like nowadays? And do you think it would have made a difference if you had met someone else instead of him? What I mean to say is: perhaps you were just in need of a friend, of someone you could talk to, someone you could share things with ... in one word, you were in need of someone to give life a meaning and to make it simpler, not more complicated. You were not in need of HIM.

I am sorry to say this, but this man (the unicorn) is just making your life more complicated. And to a certain extent, complicated, difficult things are more irresistible, harder to let go.

Basically, I think you need someone to make your life simpler. Unless he makes himself simpler and easier to reach, unless he gives up his throne, so to say, he surely isn't the piece that is missing in your life puzzle. I am not asking you to snub him, but rather to realize that this man is much like green grapes for you at this point of your life. Inacessible. Who knows in the future?

To answer your question: "Why do you feel he has less to lose by moving than I do? Not a trite question, a serious one, I want to know your opinion on this." Well I thought he had not much contact with his kids and that maybe he wanted to have kids with you, too. Besides, although I am not a believer, I think the Bible is right when it says: "Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh." (Genesis)

That is, in marriage it belongs to the man to make the biggest stride (change), not to the woman.

Best.

JC

 
Old 11-03-2006, 12:57 PM   #27
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PitaL HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
I don't know if you are a Cancer
nope--Leo
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
but I think it must feel to you as if you had found the unicorn. This man is like the unicorn for you, of which there is only one exemplary. It's natural that it hurts to lose him. Moreover because I think that you are the sort of person who has always kept your love life in the background, not giving it the priority. So now that you have met him, must you give him up again? Although I am a man, I can put myself in your shoes, and I know it is painful.
I honestly have not even considered an actual relationship since my separation. I have dated, but no relationships. Actually had come to the point in my life where I thought I may not need a relationship like that with a man again. Not out of anger by any means. Just thought I was fine on my own---not a necessity.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
Somewhere, however, you talk about addiction. Maybe it is not so much an addiction as it is an attachment. Maybe you are more attached to the idea you make of this man (the unicorn) than to this man himself.
I have spent many hours thinking on that very likelihood. It is very possible, but my brain is still clouded enough by emotion that it isn't completely clear to me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
Tell me, if I may ask: when you first met him, were you looking for someone? Or you simply bumped into him? I think you have mentioned something about this, but I can't remember what it was exactly.
We "bumped into each other", neither of us was looking for anything.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
What I want to know is: were you very unhappy before you met him? Did you feel that something (someone) was missing in your life?
I wasn't "unhappy". I'm honestly not sure if I felt like something or someone was missing. I didn't think about it much. I feel like now, if I didn't have him, I would feel like something was missing, now that that has been there. Does that make any sense?? I dread the idea of feeling that void!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
If you hadn't met him, what would your life look like nowadays?
my life would be the same as it was before, simple.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
And do you think it would have made a difference if you had met someone else instead of him? What I mean to say is: perhaps you were just in need of a friend, of someone you could talk to, someone you could share things with ... in one word, you were in need of someone to give life a meaning and to make it simpler, not more complicated. You were not in need of HIM.
Of course that is possible, but not something that I can form an unbiased opinion on right now. I am going to think on this more, you have hit a chord with me, because for some reason I am crying. This lack of control over tears is getting to me! It isn't like me at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
I am sorry to say this, but this man (the unicorn) is just making your life more complicated. And to a certain extent, complicated, difficult things are more irresistible, harder to let go. .
This also is going to take more thought. You are definately making me think.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
To answer your question: "Why do you feel he has less to lose by moving than I do? Not a trite question, a serious one, I want to know your opinion on this." Well I thought he had not much contact with his kids and that maybe he wanted to have kids with you, too. Besides, although I am not a believer, I think the Bible is right when it says: "Therefore a man will leave his father and his mother, and will join with his wife, and they will be one flesh." (Genesis)

That is, in marriage it belongs to the man to make the biggest stride (change), not to the woman..
Well..... he doesn't get to see his children much, but they are still a factor in his life. I understand what you are saying about the man making the strides, and ironically, I think he would agree with your opinion in that matter. But... is it fair for me to want him to see his children even less for me?? Should he be making that kind of choice, should it even be something to consider?

 
Old 11-04-2006, 07:29 AM   #28
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brazilman HB User
Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

PitaL:

The context is not a simple one, you know. Any solution that is implemented will have some cost for some of the people involved, including the children. You can't expect that you will find a way that will not hurt anyone, a smooth way, so to say. In a way, all of you need to be losers before you can feel as if you have won something. That is the price you have to pay.

Of course you will need a period of adjustment to the new reality. These will be critical moments for both of you, when you must not lose your faith and trust in each other, and when you must be strong and maybe keep the physical part of your love in the background for a while.

That said, I would have no fears and no doubts about him if he proposed to me. Has he ever proposed to you? I think that only marriage can give you the guarantee of this being no daydream.

JC

 
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