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Old 11-03-2006, 07:09 AM   #1
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Long distance relationship--with no resolution

I am in a long distance relationship that as I see it, has no resolution. I feel so sad and out of control all of the time. I am so in love with this man that I don't know what to do with myself. Now, he has told me that we must come up with a long term plan for our relationship by the end of the year, or we have to move on. I completely know and understand where he is coming from, because the distance is taking an emotional tole on both of us. I cry almost everyday when I think about it. I get angry about the fact that I feel I have finally met the man I want to spend my life with, the man I thought I would never meet, and I can't find a way to actually have him in my life in person. We both have children and live in different states. I just need to figure out how to not feel so sad all the time about the fact that I know I'm going to lose him come the end of the year.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 07:26 AM   #2
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

And are both of you single or still married? If both of you or one of you is married, then obviously the first thing to do is to get a divorce.

But I don't understand him. Does he want you to leave everything (everyone) behind and go to him? Is this fair? What about your kids? It is almost always easier for a man with kids, for kids usually stay with their moms.

By the way, have you ever met this man personally? If not, he can be simply a mirage.

And why is he giving you an ultimatum? How long has this affair going on? Do your kids (husband?) know about it?

It seems that you are totally in love with him, but unless I am wrong, he doesn't seem to be on the same wavelength. Unless you have made a promise to him and are not able to keep it now, his pushing you for a decision is much harder than the physical distance between you.

Please fill in the information needed and maybe some of us can help you have an insight.

JC

 
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Old 11-03-2006, 07:59 AM   #3
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
And are both of you single or still married? If both of you or one of you is married, then obviously the first thing to do is to get a divorce. JC
He is divorced, I am in the process. But we met after both. Neither of us was in a married relationship when we met.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
But I don't understand him. Does he want you to leave everything (everyone) behind and go to him? Is this fair? What about your kids? It is almost always easier for a man with kids, for kids usually stay with their moms. JC
No---he understands that I am not able to move. The ultimatum he's giving really isn't to me, it's to himself. He knows he's the one that needs to make the big change if this is going to work out. I think he's trying to work through that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
By the way, have you ever met this man personally? If not, he can be simply a mirage. JC
We have met personally. He isn't a mirage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
And why is he giving you an ultimatum? How long has this affair going on? Do your kids (husband?) know about it?JC
I talked about the ultimatum portion of it above----- we have been seeing each other for just 5 months--been together in person only twice. I have been trying to convince him we need to see each other again before the end of the year, but he's convinced it's a waste of money if we don't find a solution.

My son knows of him. I am on the phone or computer with him constantly--my son is aware of his existence, but he's only 9. My soon to be ex does know about him.

His children aren't aware. They don't live with him, and I'm sure he doesn't share much with his ex.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Josť Carlos
It seems that you are totally in love with him, but unless I am wrong, he doesn't seem to be on the same wavelength. Unless you have made a promise to him and are not able to keep it now, his pushing you for a decision is much harder than the physical distance between you.JC
I don't have insecurities about his feelings for me. I know they are there, and I know they are real. Again, his push is not for me to make a decision. He knows what I want and how I feel. His push is to make a decision so that both of us can figure out how to deal with the emotional trauma of wanting/needing to be with someone that you can't be with. I am worried that there isn't a solution. The only solution would be for him to leave everything behind for me. That makes me feel very guilty---especially because I actually want him to do it. But---it also makes me feel hypocritical, because I won't move and take my son away from his dad (his dad would step in legally for sure anyway--but that's beside the point).

Mostly, I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to deal with this for the next 2 months--knowing every day that it's going to end soon. I don't know. I'm just feeling in limbo! And sad! And I'm tired of crying all the time. I've never been the kind of girl to cry easily, people would joke around about my emotional strength. I feel like a wuss all of a sudden.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 08:10 AM   #4
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

I think you are over-romanticizing this relationship......you've only been together in person 2 x in 5 months......how could you possibly know each other? You don't......you know what each other is willing to share, and that's about it. You won't ever know someone until you can spend time with them in person in every day situations....just life in general. Having a "relationship" with someone over the internet is just living in a fantasy world.
What exactly is it that you "love" about him? or is it just the fantasy that he can take you away from your problems?

 
Old 11-03-2006, 08:42 AM   #5
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
I think you are over-romanticizing this relationship......you've only been together in person 2 x in 5 months......how could you possibly know each other? You don't......you know what each other is willing to share, and that's about it. You won't ever know someone until you can spend time with them in person in every day situations....just life in general. Having a "relationship" with someone over the internet is just living in a fantasy world.
What exactly is it that you "love" about him? or is it just the fantasy that he can take you away from your problems?

I can completely understand your response, as I would have responded the same exact way 5 months ago. Believe me, I would have.

I may be over-romanticizing---that is true. but not because it is currently an online relationship, because that is what you do in new relationships.

If you haven't been involved in a long distance/online relationship, it is difficult to judge the level of emotion that can develop. In all honesty, I feel like it's more like getting to know someone from the inside out. Not putting physical attraction and the way that someone looks above the mental and emotional attraction can actually be a quality of strength in a relationship. I'm not a young, silly, girl. I'm old enough to know. I'm an over analyzer. So this is something that I have thought about a lot.

I think it is common for anyone who hasn't experienced an online/long distance relationship before to not have a concept or understanding for how much communication takes place. In our current situation, it's all communication, it's all we have right now. I don't know any relationship where that could be considered a bad thing--lol

I know him, he knows me. We are mature adults and a point in our lives where we know what we are looking for and what we want. We see that in each other. We don't play illusions with each other, and are honest about things that I think people in actual, in person, physical relationships aren't honest about.

Not trying to come across as defensive, because as I said before--totally know where you are coming from!! But..... how I am feeling, and the dilemma I find myself in is very real. It won't and can't be sluffed off as an over-romanitcized, non-relationship that doesn't actually involve the emotion of love. It's there, and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with it. That's all.

No problems for him to take me away from either

 
Old 11-03-2006, 08:44 AM   #6
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

OK, so it is up to him to move to you. So it is really out of your hands. I think you can just think of this one as, if it was meant to be, then it will happen.

I also think that, although you may love this man, I wouldn't consider him the man you want to spend the rest of your life with just yet. Didn't you already make that committment to someone else, and you were wrong that time? I'm not trying to sound offensive here -- I'm divorced myself, and I know I am very cautious now about making life long committments. Heck, I'm still not even sure about my BF of 4.5 years. After all, 4.5 years into my relationship and marriage, I still thought it would last forever, and I was wrong.

I also know that 5 months out of a marriage, starting a new relationship is so exciting. The lust feelings are so strong because you haven't experienced them in such a long time. So I think you need to keep that in consideration -- those lust feelings and this great love you have now can fade just like it did in your marriage. I mean, especially after you start to see each other and be with each other every single day.

And, being divorced myself, I know that it is best to take some time in between relationships before you jump into another committment. Have you ever really gotten to know yourself? I'm guessing you probably here about that all the time and think it is a load of B.S., but there is such a thing as spending time single and realizing things about life and yourself that you wouldn't necessarily find if in a relationship.

Plus, it seems that this relationship has circumstances that just won't make it work -- mainly that he doesn't seem to want to move to your state. You say he's "trying to work through it" but hey, really, I think you should spend more time together before making such a committment. Unless of course he has other reasons to move to your state. I just think you need more time. His end of the year ultimatum seems way too soon for you.

Last edited by minnesotagirl; 11-03-2006 at 08:45 AM.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 08:51 AM   #7
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Just realized that I have not clarified one thing.

We didn't meet on some online dating site. Neither of us was looking to meet someone. We met on a forum and through that type of conversation, starting PMing each other, then IM, then phone, then visits.

We talk every moring before work, IM is open all day while at work (we both have busy jobs, but we are there to bounce off of each other or just say hi all day), we talk on drive home from work, go home and take care of our personal things, once my son is in bed, we usually spend some time online together, and then say good night by phone every night. That is more communication and contact in one day than I ever had with my husband--living in the same house as him for 10 years!

 
Old 11-03-2006, 08:53 AM   #8
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

I feel so sorry for your situation...I have been exactly where you are but for different reasons couldn't be with the man I love. It's so frustrating to want to be with someone so badly but you can't...for whatever reason. Are there no solutions to you being able to be together? I mean if you can't...you can't! But if there are ways that you really can be together then if it's meant to be and he loves you as much as you love him then he will find a way to make this work. You have to admire that he puts his kids first....as it really has to be if he's a man that does the right thing...but surely you two can be together some way. BTW...I am now with the man I love and it wasn't impossible...just very difficult but we both wanted this more than anything! I really did know him a lot from just communicating but I have to tell you...there was a whole lot that came up after we moved in together!
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Old 11-03-2006, 09:01 AM   #9
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
I also think that, although you may love this man, I wouldn't consider him the man you want to spend the rest of your life with just yet. Didn't you already make that committment to someone else, and you were wrong that time? .
Understand what you are saying. I guess when I say the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, I am expressing that I am feeling that emotion now. Jumping into marriage again is not something either of us is in a hurry to do. But we do realize that if we actually want to try to make this work, we need to be together in person.

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
I also know that 5 months out of a marriage, starting a new relationship is so exciting..
neither of us are 5 months out of marriage--we met each other 5 months ago. I have been separated for over 3 years, and he has been divorced for almost 3. This also isn't either of ours first relationships out of marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
And, being divorced myself, I know that it is best to take some time in between relationships before you jump into another committment. Have you ever really gotten to know yourself?
I've spent plenty of time alone--believe me I know myself---I'm happy alone too. I actually enjoy time by myself!

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl
Plus, it seems that this relationship has circumstances that just won't make it work -- mainly that he doesn't seem to want to move to your state. You say he's "trying to work through it" but hey, really, I think you should spend more time together before making such a committment. Unless of course he has other reasons to move to your state. I just think you need more time. His end of the year ultimatum seems way too soon for you.
I completely agree with you. It is the emotional stress that we are both feeling about our distance that has made him feel like we need to figure it out.

I'm not really looking for solutions here. I know it seems hopeless, I'm realistic about that. My intent was for advice on how to get over this. I fear I don't/won't know how. I'm tired of feeling so sad. That's all.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 09:10 AM   #10
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by keepsgoin
You have to admire that he puts his kids first....as it really has to be if he's a man that does the right thing...!
I don't just admire it about him, I love it about him. It's why I feel guilty about wanting him with me. It isn't right. That's why I know there is no resolution.

Quote:
Originally Posted by keepsgoin
BTW...I am now with the man I love and it wasn't impossible...just very difficult but we both wanted this more than anything!
I am so happy for you! I think that is wonderful!

Quote:
Originally Posted by keepsgoin
I really did know him a lot from just communicating but I have to tell you...there was a whole lot that came up after we moved in together!
Again--we aren't a couple of silly kids I know that will always be there. long distance or not, that is a fact of any relationship!


I really appreciate your words Keepsgoin! It's nice to hear from someone who understands what I am saying. It's less about finding a solution, and more about me figuring out how to deal with the emotional rollercoaster I can't seem to get off of. I can't even explain the way I feel in the chest and my stomach when I think about how badly I want this, and it is completely out of my control! I don't like feeling helpless.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 09:11 AM   #11
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by PitaL
I think it is common for anyone who hasn't experienced an online/long distance relationship before to not have a concept or understanding for how much communication takes place. In our current situation, it's all communication, it's all we have right now. I don't know any relationship where that could be considered a bad thing--lol
Oh believe me, I have communicated PLENTY with people on the internet, thru on-line dating sites, etc. When I first got divorced, i felt the way you did.....that getting to know the PERSON, rather than just basing things on physical attraction was the way to go......I soon found out that I was wrong. I had communicated with guys where I really felt that I knew them, liked them, had things in common, etc....only to find out that there was no chemistry and no real relationship. I later realized that what I was doing......trying to meet someone, get to know them, etc.....was really just a DISTRACTION for me......and I believe that's what it is for you, and you're mistakenly thinking you have a real relationship. It's a distraction to take you away from your problems.......

 
Old 11-03-2006, 09:23 AM   #12
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
Oh believe me, I have communicated PLENTY with people on the internet, thru on-line dating sites, etc. .......
again want to clarify--that is not how we met.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
When I first got divorced, i felt the way you did.....that getting to know the PERSON, rather than just basing things on physical attraction was the way to go......I soon found out that I was wrong. I had communicated with guys where I really felt that I knew them, liked them, had things in common, etc....only to find out that there was no chemistry and no real relationship. .......
We have chemistry and what both of us consider an actual relationship. This isn't a casual kind of thing, by any means.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
I later realized that what I was doing......trying to meet someone, get to know them, etc.....was really just a DISTRACTION for me.......
Again wan to clarify--neither of us was "trying to meet someone". We weren't even trying to date not online. We just met, started talking, enjoyed each others company, started talking more and feelings developed.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
......and I believe that's what it is for you, and you're mistakenly thinking you have a real relationship. It's a distraction to take you away from your problems.......
You are entitled to your opinion. I respect it. But I disagree. I'm not sure my situation is as similar to yours as you are interpreting it.

I am also not certain what problems you keep saying this is taking me away from. My problem is our dilemma, I didn't consider myself someone with problems prior to this one. I love my son, I love my job, I'm sad my marriage failed--but very happy on my own--really the most happy I had been in years and years.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 09:30 AM   #13
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by PitaL
I am also not certain what problems you keep saying this is taking me away from. My problem is our dilemma, I didn't consider myself someone with problems prior to this one. I love my son, I love my job, I'm sad my marriage failed--but very happy on my own--really the most happy I had been in years and years.
you said you're going thru a divorce........most people that are going thru a divorce are feeling a little fragile, a little insecure, a little un-loved, etc.....
usually when you go thru a divorce you have some emotional stress, some sadness, regret, etc......I believe this "relationship" provides you with an escape from all that.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 09:37 AM   #14
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz
you said you're going thru a divorce........most people that are going thru a divorce are feeling a little fragile, a little insecure, a little un-loved, etc.....
usually when you go thru a divorce you have some emotional stress, some sadness, regret, etc......I believe this "relationship" provides you with an escape from all that.

I understand what you are saying. My "going through a divorce" right now is a technicality. We have not been together for over 3 years. We are just finally taking care of the technical side to it. It's an amicable separation. I filed the papers now because of my current situation. Not because I feel I need to be technically divorced for this specific situation, but because I came to the realization that it is only fair to everyone involved, if I am going to consider a long term relationship with anyone, I need to be legally divorced. We were both just being lazy by not actually filing, and until now, not being legally divorced wasn't really keeping either of us from anything.

I would also like to add that I think you mean well Rosequartz, I really do... however, telling someone that their emotions aren't valid or real (of course I am not quoting you, just interpreting, so if you feel you haven't been asserting that at all, I apolgize if this offends you) isn't really a constructive way to help someone through an emotional situation. I know my emotions are real and valid, and someone telling me that they aren't and so I should just get over it isn't helpful. Again, I was not coming here for solutions, what I need advice on are coping skills and dealing with emotions that make me feel sad, helpless and yes--fragile and insecure. This relationship does not give me reprieve from those emotions, they are the catalyst to them. I know I need to get over this, it's what I want advice on. However, it won't happen by being told what I am feeling is not really there.

Last edited by PitaL; 11-03-2006 at 09:51 AM.

 
Old 11-03-2006, 10:13 AM   #15
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Re: Long distance relationship--with no resolution

Hey, sorry if some of my perceptions weren't completely accurate before (such as, you seem to have had time to yourself, etc.). It is always difficult to gauge a situation from a message board and we all have the tendency to jump to conclusions.

Anyway, so you want to heal from this situation. I think that is a good first step because if he's not willing to move to you (and you say you're totally unable to move to him), then it is the best thing to do, especially if this long term relationship is not acceptable for your or him. And, it is too expensive for you both to travel to see each other very often. It is just not reasonable at this point in your lives. Perhaps when your kids are older -- who knows what the future holds, right? But, it seems like the long distance is not acceptable to him, or he wouldn't have proposed the ultimatum.

I think you spend way too much time interacting with him on the phone and online. I think you need to start trying to find other interests and make some new friends. Plus, keeping in touch all day at work online -- not sure if your company would really like that (I'm not one to talk, I'm writing this while at work). Try to start limiting your time together. It may be hard at first. But, perhaps what you need to do is be apart for one week, no talk or email, and see what happens. Is he going to miss your conversations so much that perhaps he'll change his mind about moving? Or, during this time perhaps you can find other things to do. Go out and maybe take a class or go to the movies with your girlfriends.

This is what anyone would have to do if they are in a relationship that's not working. Like I said before if it was meant to happen, then it will be.

It is better to have loved than to not have loved at all. Focus on the good things he's shown you about life. I'm guessing that he's made you want to become a better person (usually love tends to do that if it is right)? Well then, start making those changes and don't be so down and depressed. I also think you can remain friends, but you need to cool it down by not talking for awhile. How does that sound?

 
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