Yes of course I accepted and said yes, thank you!!! He's been my man for a very long time and I adore him...
I know where you're coming from. Actually I've been there myself. Circumstances were a little different, but same sort of theory. Now I'm not sure how old you guys are... and it certainly does make a difference I think cause it depends where you are in your life stages. I am making the assumption that you guys are youngish.
Now the first question I want to ask you is this... are you sure you are not missing the signs that he loves you (just cause you are so frantic for him to actually SAY it)? He's been with you for one and a half years, and from what you say you guys have been through some tough times. He's stuck it out hasn't he? What does that tell you? If he IS a younger guy, he certainly wouldn't go through the grief that you guys have gone through if he didn't have strong feelings for you. And from the few positive things you have mentioned, he seems to want you to be happy and tries to make you so.
Okay, the holiday is a bit of a bummer. True he should probably share it with you, or even invite you along with his friends if possible. But you know, sometimes people do things not with the intention of hurting, but just cause they are young and carefree and cause they can... If he is a young guy, he may not necessarily want to be tied down to young, and still enjoy his youth with the boys. Nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make him a bad person... it just means he has different priorities RIGHT NOW than you do.
Also, if he IS a young guy, perhaps he just hasn't figured out what a real adult relationship involves. For example, he may not know how to support you emotionally and may feel that you are blaming him or backing him into a corner (just theoretical). Sometimes it does take time for a relationship to settle in and for you to work through things to ensure both partners get what they are needing.
If you would like to stay with him and try to sort things out (which can sometimes work and sometimes not), you might want to think about the way you go about trying to get from him what you need. Fighting and breaking up with him is not effective. Actually you are pushing him away more than anything. If you want it to be a serious adult relationship you have to learn to communicate with him in a way that does not blame and threaten him, or demand that he gives you what you want. Cause really, he hasn't done anything wrong. And when you attack, he will get defensive and a fight with no resolution will proceed. Talk to him in a calm, rational way with solutions to help resolve things. Don't blame, just compromise. And when the conversation is done... leave it there. Don't keep harping on. Even if something doesn't happen in the time frame you want it to. It won't speed things up, actually will probably just delay them further.
I hope you see what I mean. This guy sounds like he is a young guy trying to find a balance between his own freedom and a girl that he cares deeply about. Sometimes it take a while for a partner to grow up and realise what a relationship is all about... it doesn't come naturally to everyone. If you set a good example of what a good relationship should be, he may be more inclined to follow.... you see?
If he is really worth it to you, you will enjoy what he can offer you now and see how things progress... if you can't, then you must accept that he doesn't give you what you need right now (and remember it's neither parties fault just cause you have different priorities) and maybe he never will. Either way, he has asked for time to express how he feels. Your only decision is whether you feel you can give him this without pushing further, or you can't. Other than that, it's really out of your hands. So stressing yourself out is so very pointless, and only hurting yourself further. Relax girl.... this is what life is all about and in the end, whether this turns out the way you want or not, you will be fine... and it will be YOUR decisions, not those made by others, that will enable that to happen.
You don't always have to be the giver, don't get me wrong. You don't have to give in just to keep the peace. But there are just better ways to get your point across, without hurting, fighting and breaking up.
Also, most of us who are in a relationship have gone through tough times. You mention you have too, not sure what exactly it was, but this is my thoughts. Don't resent and hold a grudge or think that he owes you something cause you have been hurt. If you have stayed with him, it means you should have forgiven him and therefore, the slate should be wiped clean. Don't make him pay for something that is in the past that can't be changed. As long as avoids the type of things that hurt you in the first place (eg cheating or something like that) then it's time to move on from past hurts. If he doesn't and continues to hurt you, then that's when you know it's time for you to move onto someone who deserves you more.
But don't write off the small things he does... they may seem insignificant, but will tell you what you need to know without hearing it.
Apple, I feel for you, truly I do. But him saying he loves you will not change the direction of your life. Only the decisions you make and the way you handle situations for yourself will do that.
Anyway, I hope I've made sense... Don't settle, cause you appear to have alot of love to give some lucky guy. But be realistic. Not everyone loves in the same way, and can't be expected too.
Best wishes to you... If you need any support just yell. In the meantime go and treat yourself to something you will enjoy on your own... goodness knows you sound so wound up that you deserve to have a break and have some relaxing fun!!!
PS. You asked if it was your right to know how your partner feels... yes of course it is!!! But he has said he can't verbalise it right now... and no matter what you do you can't change that... so that's why you must decide if that's something you can live with/wait for or not. Remember though that he can't tell you he doesn't love you either...
thanks stormgirl.....your posts are so helpful
congrats on your engagement- so happy!
I use to think he was in love with me. I looked at his actions and thought- of course he does, like my bestmate and my mum use to say- he is in love, of course, otherwise he wouldnt have come this far. but shock, reality has kicked in- he cant say he is. it hurts BIGTIME.
All this is making me weaker. I use to be strong and despite the hurt he caused me, I kept strong and thought Ill work things out with him. But im not thinking like that anymore. Ive let go i guess because Im not getting what i want and when progress isnt being made....i guess its natural to slowly start to give up- im not bothered about things as much as i use to be.
hes hurt me so much in so many ways. he can be so uncaring and cruel. i dont want to be hurt again the way i have been.....im scared of that.
he started crying on the phone today- about the argument lastnight and about a message i posted on a website showing a picture of my bestmate and his girlfriend on holiday. i posted "i cant wait to have that in my life one day" and my boyfriend got annoyed and hurt saying why did you pot that ont he website for everyone to see? i replied, well its true, i cant wait to be in love and hvae that love returned and to travel the world with the man who i love and who loves me. he broke down saying how he is trying, and that i need to work with him to build, and he finds things difficult.
wow...
if you guys are actually still together, i have to agree with HIM and say that's a pretty terrible thing to do...
kind of puts your business out there for everyone to see...
your way of saying to everyone you think your bf sucks...
not too nice...
i understand your concerns and that you're hurting, but it sounds like you're doing just as much of the hurting yourself...
you need to take responsibility for the things YOU'RE contributing to the relationship (and i'm not just talking about the "good" things)...
yeah...thats kind of like slapping up a big sign on your website that says "My boyfriend isn't good enough".
Imagine how that would feel if he posted that on HIS website.
I agree with the others. I think there is some kind of underlying insecurity you have here (which is OK- as we all do), and you feel better when you can break your boyfriend down and push him to be something he's not...because in that way, its not you that is the problem.
But I think that your boyfriend just may not be the type of person to be able to be as expressive as you would want, or tell you he loves you all the time, etc. By the fact that hes still sticking around after the numerous times that youve hinted that he isnt doing what you want...well, that should say something right there.
Do you ever compliment him for things that he DOES do that you like? Otherwise, the reason why you may be feeling unhappy is because (for lack of better expression) you started making a 'mountain of a molehill' (hahahah) from the beginning, and this guy just feels like he can't win. I may be completely off here, I havent read your entire thread...but thats just what it seems to me, or at least a possibility to consider.
I used to be in a relationship with a guy who broke me down b/c I was never his top priority (nor 2, 3, or 4 for that matter) but he was always mine. As a result, I tended to be needier than I wanted to be because he just wasnt giving me the reassurance that we loved each other the same. Turns out, I was right, hahaha but thats another story. I had felt insecure somewhat halfway through our relationship for a lot of reasons having to do with him, but the more I made a big deal about it, the more frustrated he felt...and when you feel frustrated and like you're never enough, you stop wanting to try, you know?
(Not that Im defending him). But my point is, we just werent right for each other. We truly didnt love each other the same. I loved him more, I lived differently and with different priorities than him. I need my boyfriend to be expressive, and to be able to talk about how he feels, etc. If you are the same, and you feel you arent getting what you want (which is what it seems to me), then perhaps rather than trying to force it out of him, which will only backfire imo, then maybe its time to reexamine this and be alone for awhile. Hes right- he seems as though he is trying to build and work toward what you want...but its not all about you. It takes two. I dont know how hes been hurtful as you have mentioned he has been, and I dont want to sound like Im taking sides. But that is just what I see from your description of your problem.
Hope this helps.
*btw- your posts seem eerily similar to someone that used these boards under a different name a while back. I wont ask...but if you are the same person, it might be helpful for you to go back under your old posts under that name and read the advice you were given, and especially the advice you gave others. ESPECIALLY if this is the same guy that you were breaking up with back then. I find that sometime a little self-reflection can give us the answer we need and allow us not to make the same mistakes again. And if you have no idea what Im talking about, sorry about that!
City- I have only been on these boards for a few weeks. Perhaps if you gave me the name, I can have a look at what this person has posted in order to gain further insight which may help me with my current situation?
To be honest, there is nothing to help with me on my current stiation other than to have a good moan every now and then.
I know if anything is to happen, id have to give it time. i want things to settle down first. only problem is that im quite insecure, youre right. but i dont want to breakup with him, because as i said, maybe this is what i need to do one last final time in order to make things work. if ibreak up now, ill keep thinking about what may have happened if id have given it time.
Yes, i know it wasn't the nicest thing to write on a website, but its the truth. i removed it but i wont take back what i wrote- after all, why should i? he cant say he is in love. he picked his friends to go on holiday with, not me. obviously, im not getting what i want and therefore i cant wait untill i have that special person in my life.
he is trying to put the effort in- i can see it. especially after the tears last night- showed me he is hurting/feeling too, which before, i had no idea about because he doesnt like talking about his feelings.
i want to give it time and build with him, as he keeps asking, but i get insecure. im very needy- like you said, citygirl, its probably because im not getting what i want. and i hate it.
i guess, all i can do, is just give it time?
my feelings are so strong when im sure- i dont want to lose him. i understand ive got to work with him. i will give him another chance- only because i love him.
he asks for time, to build with him. he knowsi am in love with him. i dont think he is the sort of guy to lead me on. but how can he be so sure things will work out? he makes it out as if he is so sure.
this was a very pointless venting session. thank you all for reading
You definitely need to give it time...for the words to be said
The thing is you sound a little bit impulsive, and 'waiting' for it to happen might get you even more tense...because you will be waiting for a certain time that you never know when or if it is going to happen.
It may be better to accept that he cares for you in his own special way and you should just try and appreciate that. Try and see the positive things that he is trying to do, and the positive things in you that you can offer him. You need to make him feel secure enough to go further in this relationship without worrying about how to please you 24/7. good luck, hope things work out.
...To be honest, there is nothing to help with me on my current stiation other than to have a good moan every now and then.
I know if anything is to happen, id have to give it time. i want things to settle down first. only problem is that im quite insecure, youre right. but i dont want to breakup with him, because as i said, maybe this is what i need to do one last final time in order to make things work. if ibreak up now, ill keep thinking about what may have happened if id have given it time....
actually... i think taking the "there's nothing i can do but wait and see" attitude isn't going to be very productive for you either...
it sounds like you don't really accept him for who he is...
(which may even be the right way to view it for you if you're not getting what you need)
and it has been my experience that to be in a healthy relationship, you NEED to accept your partner for who they are... right now...
it's ok for you both to want things for the future and to both want to work positively and constructively for healthy changes, but i don't see how any of that happens unless you both accept one another for you both are right NOW!...
and it clearly sounds like you don't accept him for who he is right now...
and your comment that there's nothing you can do about it right now seems a little fatalistic...
don't be a victim...
be proactive...
hopefully in a way that is constructive and beneficial to the relationship...
you also mention that you don't want to break up with him...
but didn't you say that breaking up with him is one of the things you do pretty often?
if you're just doing it to get his attention, anger him, hurt him, etc, i can tell you that one of these times it's going to blow up in your face...
meaning... if you're breaking up with him just to make him grovel or proclaim to you that he does NOT want to break up, etc., one of these times when you threaten him this way and back him into a corner, he might just decide he's had enough and LET you break up with him... not ask you to stay... not try to get you back... and even insist that it is over even if you try and "take it back"...
so i'd be real careful with that tactic if that is indeed what you're doing...
Quote:
Originally Posted by apple_juice
...Yes, i know it wasn't the nicest thing to write on a website, but its the truth. i removed it but i wont take back what i wrote- after all, why should i? he cant say he is in love. he picked his friends to go on holiday with, not me. obviously, im not getting what i want and therefore i cant wait untill i have that special person in my life...
if it's the truth, and that really is your opinion, it definitely sounds like you've made up your mind that you're not in the right relationship...
i'm not suggesting that what you wrote or said isn't true... by any means... but what really is the purpose of putting that out there for the public to see...
if i were him, i would see it as a massive betrayal of our privacy and would probably interpret it as your way of trying to hurt him for not being the way you want him to be... which is a VERY ineffective way of communicating your discontent and probably won't produce the results you want, if any...
Quote:
Originally Posted by apple_juice
...he is trying to put the effort in- i can see it. especially after the tears last night- showed me he is hurting/feeling too, which before, i had no idea about because he doesnt like talking about his feelings.
i want to give it time and build with him, as he keeps asking, but i get insecure. im very needy- like you said, citygirl, its probably because im not getting what i want. and i hate it.
i guess, all i can do, is just give it time?
so what are YOU doing to try and make things better...
maybe work on learning how to effectively communicate your feelings to him without putting him on the defensive or sending him reeling thinking that you're being impatient or hurtful?
that might be totally wrong and maybe there's another approach that works much better...
point being, you kind of make it sound like all you can do is sit back, coast, and wait and see what happens...
i think you should be as proactive as you expect him to be...
Quote:
Originally Posted by apple_juice
...my feelings are so strong when im sure- i dont want to lose him. i understand ive got to work with him. i will give him another chance- only because i love him.
he asks for time, to build with him. he knowsi am in love with him. i dont think he is the sort of guy to lead me on. but how can he be so sure things will work out? he makes it out as if he is so sure.
this was a very pointless venting session. thank you all for reading
don't you WANT him to be sure things are going to work out?
and if not... what's the point of dragging this out?...
i'm sure you wouldn't think it's logical if either of you or both of you DIDN'T think this was going to work out...
this "venting session" is only pointless if you decide to learn nothing from it...
that's entirely up to you...
The name I was referring to is charlatans. Maybe if you do a search you can read the old threads. If I recall, she too went through a breakup about 10 mos. ago with someone she was on and off with......
As for your current situation, again I hold true to the idea that this person isn't for you if you arent getting what you need. It seems to be somewhat of a codependent relationship, and i dont mean this offensively, but I am just being honest. I dont know, I kind of see it like this: you need him because you want him to be what you want so badly (and you won't rest til you get that from him), and he needs you because he feels he isnt being a good-enough boyfriend and so he keeps trying to redeem himself.
I know you say you love him, and I am not going to argue with those words because only you can truly know how you feel. However, part of me just wonders that, if you cant accept him for being less than you want, and you post hurtful things about him on websites, and your insecurities keep getting in the way, as you say...I dont know. When I think of love i think of compromise, selflessness, accepting the good and the bad even when its hard, etc. May I ask how old you are? Also- how many times have you broken up with him in the past?
Heres what I think. I know its been said already. If you arent getting what you want now, why wait and allow your insecurities to grow if you STILL arent getting what you want after time? To me that just spells out a potential disaster. If youve broken up with him multiple times before, maybe that can tell you something too.
I know you say that you will always wonder what would have happened if you end things now. But what may happen in your favor if you end things with the wrong guy now, and then have more time to heal, learn and grow, and potentially find a more compatible boyfriend?
Thank you for your replies. Give me a lot to think about it.
Sometimes, as i mentioned before, I cant believe how he can not be in love after everything we have been through etc etc
He is coming to see me today and is coming out to a party tonight with me. He is going to a dinner party tomorrow night- where was my invite?
Somtimes i think he must love me, othertimes, no!
Yesterday he spent hours and hours trying to decide between two birthday presents to get me for my birthday.He is spending a lot of time and effort and money into my birthday. I should be excited andlooking forward to it. I am. But i woke up after having a nightmare haha it was so silly. I dreamt he was going to south america with his friends, without me, despite it being my life long dream. I guess this is refering to the holiday he is going on with his friends instead of me. I dont have a problem with him going with his friends. its just a bit hurtful he said no to me when i asked him to go on the same holiday with me, practically begging him to. oh well.
How can I accept being in a relationship when he cant say he is in love? I dont tihnk it is ok. Anyone disagree?
I guess what my real problem here is judgement- if things arent how i want them to be (for us to be in love, which is what the situation should be in a longterm relationship), will it change if i do what he asks and be patient and give it time? Is it likely? I know no one has a crystal ball and no one can tell the future, but from experience? I know you shouldnt be in a relationship waiting for tihngs to change. Ive told him this. But all he replies is that he needs time and space. Frustrating for me- because i love him, want him, and i accept him for who he is- the only thing i want is LOVE. im not asking for much in a relationship, am i? I thought I had his love. but i dont. this is what is upsetting me and confusing me.
However, despite the confusion, im going to be putting it to one side....
I have promised myself ill be calm with him, i wont be arguing or demanding, ill be careful of what i post on websites etc etc im going to make things nice and smooth (if anyone is the fiery, argumentative one, its him- how may times i have to calm him down, ignore him when he is shouting after which he regrets. he has problems- heis stubborn and never likes to admit he is wrong). I will do all this. Lets see what happens. Ill cut out all the funny business.
I guess after sometime, if things still arent good, if he still hasnt said those words, then i will have to finish. we both deserve to be with people we love.
Here is an "update" for you people.
Tonight, had an amazing time with my boyfriend at my friends birthday party. He was very affectionate. Things felt really good between us. Was like the good old times. Im positive and looking forward now
He has been talking about my birthday, he has realy gone to so much effort. He mentioned meeting his family and going for a meal and mentioned he would like to me attend a family wedding in the not so far future. He was even talking about our situations in two years time- ill be doing my masters and he may travel further to study but we'd have to cope not seeing eachother as much- he is looking ahead. All good signs.
May be im being greedy but he is going to a few parties over the next week and said he would only go if his mates went. shame he couldnt say, ill go if you come with me. hmmm. anyway, i wont dwell on that because tonight was good and i have things to look forward to right?
Ill try my best to put the bad behind us. I know its selfish but i wish he wasnt going on that holiday with his friends. but i love him enough to want him to have fun, so if he wants to go andenjoy himself, ill want him to do just that. him having fun would put a smile on my face.
argh sorry! stop moaning! ill stop! things are looking up.
