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Old 11-11-2006, 09:50 AM   #1
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Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Hello Everyone,

Here's my situation....

I met my wife 3 years about, and when a so called male "friend" of hers found out that we were dating he decided that was a good time to reveal all of his feelings for her. Of course that caused problems, but we overcame them, eventually got engaged, got married, had a baby.

After we got married, for the first few months he felt from time to time to find any excuse to e-mail her. Usually it was more for a special occasion or heck a National holiday. Time continued to pass in that first year, and from my understanding, there was really no contact at all.

Now lets fast forward into year two of our marriage where things get more interesting. We had a few problems like any other married couple, she went back to work after maternity leave, I was having trouble finding a new job as I lost mine shortly after we got married. This was a major issue for her. It wasn't lack of trying on my part, it was just bad luck. Instead of looking at the positive that she at least had a job, we had money coming in, she looked at the negative. "Oh poor me, I have to go to work". Well it could have been worse. Anyways, when she went back to work in the early part of this year, she got back in contact with this guy. I am under the impression that she likely made the contact. I didn't find about until a month after she got in contact with him. I came across this info accidently. She left her e-mail open, and there it all was. And it wasn't her regular e-mail account, it was a brand new account she created. Obviously it was done to be secretive. So I went in & read all the e-mails that we sent back & forth. She couldn't have tried to paint a worse picture of me, and this guy jumped all over it. Said he wish he did more back a few years ago to be with her, shouldn't have given up on her when we were together whether it be engaged or when we got pregnant, etc, he wanted to take care of her & MY child! What a piece of you know what.

I followed the e-mails at this account for a few months, never anything explicit said or sexually or any intimate type of conversations. It was just more of what I said above. However they stopped abruptly after a few months. I was very surprised, and then one day when I cruised upon *******, well looky looky what I found there. Both created pages so they could exchange e-mails there, and leave "cute" messages on each others main page of the site. He wote very detailed blogs about his love & feelings for her. All of what he wish he had done differently, etc. He had pictures up of himself on his site, she would write responses under each saying how sexy he is, and other little comments of that nature.

This all had a major affect on our marriage. For one, her bahviour become atrocious. Very emotionally, mentally & a few times phycially abusive towards me. I of course because of what I knew, couldn't even talk to her or act around her the way I normally would. Plus I couldn't talk to her about it because, she would know that I snooped. Though it was unintentional, I did none the less. There was such tension as you could imagine. I didn't know what to do.

I decided to be the bigger person, I just took it. I took it all! I took any abuse, any mistreating, anything negative. I did it all for our child. Our child didn't deserve any of this, and I wasn't going to break up our home. This innocent child deserved it's mommy & daddy. It was breaking my heart that she was getting caught in the middle of this, even though obviously she had no idea. Too young, not even barely above a year old by this point.

Moving along, I finally got a job.... I thought maybe that would change things. Perhaps, that would change her focus. Of course she was happy, but they still communicate. We got a new car after needing one for so long, I thought that would make her happy, and it did, but they still communicate.

HOW DO I STOP THIS????? I have found myself even more untrusting of her than I was when I intitally found things out. I think what more do I have to do here???!!! Everything she wanted to happen has happened. New job, new car, we are moving forward to saving for a house, etc. Is it just pure selfishness on her part? Does she think she is doing nothing wrong? Am I over reacting? I find myself thinking about this almost everyday. It stops me obviously from wanting to be intimate with her. I do it out of obligation, out of shutting her up, etc. I feel like I am prostituting myself to her in a round about way.

Even inspite of all this, I generally do whatever she asks. I do what I can to keep the peace. She has a very volitaile personality. In spite of that, I do what I can to keep her happy, make her smile, make he laugh, etc. Why can't I get that in return? She does it in other ways, but I want it in one way. I want ot be the only guy! I am her husband for crying out loud! The father of our child! I deserve to be the only man in her life! Am I being unreasonable?

Also, I want to confront her about everything I have known for months & months, but don't know how to. Any advice there? Should I even bother? Has it been too long? Will it make things worse? Better? Send her directly to him? Help her breaks things off with him? I know that is alot of questions, but that is why I struggle with what to do.

Bottom line is I do love her or I wouldn't have put up with things & the hurt it has caused me for as long as I have if I didn't. I love our child, and I love our family. I want to grow old with her, eventually expand our family but I need a resolution to this.

Alot of people reading this probably think I am nuts for wanting to still move forward, but it's a concious decision I have made because I do love her. I know that 100% within myself. I just need to know & find a way to eliminate this MAJOR problem.... this guy!

Thanks for letting me vent her, any comments & solutions would be very appreciated!

Big Beefcake

 
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Old 11-11-2006, 10:03 AM   #2
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Well if it were me...I'd tell her exactly what you know...BFD that you "snooped"!!!! That's pretty much beside the point. If she can't leave him alone then you can stay misserable for the child or you can move on! You have to remember that it IS HER that's screwing up...and don't let her try and turn the tables on you and if she tries just say "OH non you don't..this isn't about what I'm doing wrong!"

 
Old 11-11-2006, 10:38 AM   #3
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Well first off, I must say I am completely amazed that you have managed to keep all this info to yourself for so long! I had a situation wherein I was seeing a guy and happened upon his email wherein I discovered some very personal, secretive and relationship-destroying exchanges between himself and other individuals. Even though I had been "snooping", there was no way I was going to keep that info to myself and you better believe I confronted him about it.

I don't see anything wrong in the fact that you discovered what your wife has been writing to this guy. The problem, or 'wrongness' is that she is doing this...having an emotional relationship behind your back, and its been going on for too long. You both have a baby to consider in all of this.

I would confront her. There is no way to solve the problem by keeping all of this bottled up inside and letting her proceed with this secret relationship. That guy is doing everything in his power to break up your marriage, because he obviously has some sort of unrequited love for her and has had feelings for her for a long time.

Marriages are challenging. Having a baby to raise is challenging. Having to face financial and employment troubles together is challenging. This guy is offering a sort of utopian escape world where she can get away from it all. He doesn't have to talk about last month's heating bill with her or about how the baby woke up several times in the night etc etc. Its all fun and games with him and he is using this to draw her away from you.

If you really feel there is hope for your marriage and that you want to resolve the problem, talk to her about it. Do not verbally attack her. Sit down quietly with her in a place where there are no distractions and you can talk, cry, spend quiet time together and get all the cards out on the table with no disturbances. My best advice would be to seek marriage counselling. I don't know how I would go on trying to be with someone I would resent so much for the choices they made behind my back. I would want outside intervention and help to guide us through healing the relationship.

My best wishes to you. I really hope that it works out the way you want it to.

NTS

 
Old 11-11-2006, 11:08 AM   #4
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Fabat40 HB User
Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Dear BBC,

After reading your post, I'm wondering why would one would put up with such abuse, but you're right, your child is in the middle of all of this and I commend you for being unselfish for her sake. I think more parents should stop and think before they speak, or do anything for the sake of their children. But unfortunately, there are a lot of selfish parents out there.

I feel sorry for you because of the situation you are in. I'm afraid the only way your wife would stop is to divulge what you know about the whole "emotional affair" , a new term being thrown around. It's been going on for as long as people have been alive, it's just haven't had a politically correct term. Again, I'd posted in many posts, why do people do this to each other? In this case, a man is trying to have a married woman physically cheat.

If I were the wife who's emotionally cheating, I'd be afraid of my husband finding out. The excitement is in the secracy. A lot of people thrive in the whole secrecy of things, the thrill of having this "unknown" affair.

I saw something like this once with my Aunt and Uncle. My Aunt was having a weekly "coffee" meeting with a male co-worker a long time ago. She was already married at the time and w/ no children. She babysat me a few times back then. She even took me to one of her meetings with her "friend" to that coffee shop. I think I was about 10 or 11, old enough to sense that they're not just friends and they have more emotional investment in this friendship. To make a long story short, I happen to accidentally mention the meeting to my Uncle one day when he picked me up from school to take me to a family dinner party. In the car, I could sense he was getting angry and was gripping the steering wheel much harder than he normally would. he asked me many questions, I told him all I could remember. At the time, I didn't know I was doing anything incriminating. I was a kid, what do I know. He played it cool with my Aunt. He didn't go into the rampage or even angry with her. He happen to casually mention what he knows after he went to the coffee shop to see thngs for himself. He just mentioned what he knew and that was it. He didn't say to stop seeing him, he didn't threaten her with a divorce or separation, he didn't do anything that would make her want to run back to her friend and make my Uncle look like the bad guy. My Uncle difused the excitement the two of them were doing. My Uncle just sat back and let her know that he knows... even though it was tearing him up inside. I recall one night when my Uncle and Grandfather were getting drunk in the tv room and my Uncle was crying. I don't remember how long it took for my Aunt to stop, but eventually, she stopped having coffee with her friend. Soon after that, their marriage seemed to get better and they had my three cousins.

I don't know if my story has made any sense to you, but most people who put themselves in this situation thinks they're missing "something" in their marriage. My Aunt never went beyond talking with her friend and your wife seems to be in that same boat. Just let your wife know CALMLY that you know what's going on without going into details. Maybe write a heartfelt, loving letter and casually leave it on your dresser and take your baby out to the park or something so she can have a private moment to read and be afraid that you know what's going on between them. And when you return, act calmly and be your normal self. She will still run to her friend, but soon, she will stop and think about what they're doing. All along, her friend will still make you the bad person and he'll run with this whole thing, but a poster once made a comment in this board, "CREAM RISES TO THE TOP". Don't loose your cool. She will realize soon that what she's doing is wrong, she'll appreciate you more, she'll see your beautiful life and think, what am I doing to my family? I can't guarantee that this would work, but this is similar to what my Uncle did. He allowed my Aunt to come to her senses without his demands. You know your wife, how would she react to a situation like what my Uncle did?

Let us know how you're doing. You're a rare gem BBC. Most men would have left or hit or done something much less of a man that you are.

 
Old 11-13-2006, 05:59 AM   #5
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The Mike HB User
Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Would you feel the same if you found out she was having sex with this person? She is having an emotional affair with him and that is just as bad as a physical one. I assure you of this. Emotional affairs become physical affairs in many cases and the damage of an emotional affair on a committed relationship is severe. Confrontation is a must.

Let me go off a side and ask if the guy she is seeing is intimidating in any way. If it was me, and this is a purely male *grunt* *grunt* reaction, but I would go and tell him that is MY woman and he needs to back off. I'm totally serious about this. This would almost certainly get back to your wife. What would she say? What could she say? Even if you don't want to be physcially confrontive I'd post on his web thingy. Saying that is my wife and you need to find your own. Very simple put with no cussing or name calling. On the web you should be civil as it is a public viewed area.

Snooping is not a crime in a committed relationship. That is it. You are not the bad guy but expect the response to come back to you on that. Should it come back just ignore it and don't let her focus the blame on you or your snooping.

My advice, if you don't want to confront him, is to open both their blogs and leave them on the computer for her to see. If she ignores it let it go as it will affect their relationship as she will have to make some decisions. I still think you should confront him but not everyone has that disposition. Regardless, you need to let them know you know and then see what happens from there.

Last edited by The Mike; 11-13-2006 at 06:00 AM.

 
Old 11-13-2006, 10:40 AM   #6
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

How have you managed to keep your cool about this???????

"I want ot be the only guy! I am her husband for crying out loud! The father of our child! I deserve to be the only man in her life! Am I being unreasonable?"

Not in the least. Your wife may not be sleeping with this guy, but she is having an emotional affair. You need to confront her with what you know ASAP, not only for your own sanity but for your daughter's sake as well. All of the abuse your wife is lashing at you will affect if it isn't already.

Yeah, you snooped. Oh well. I would say she should have more careful in the first place if she didn't want to get caught. She would have done the same thing if that were your email, it's just human nature.

I totally understand why you would want to patch this up and move on. You love her, you love your family. That makes perfect sense.

Have somebody watch your daughter one evening, maybe even for the night (like with your parents or someone). Order dinner, sit down, and talk. Clear the air. She is going to be livid, but maybe she will be releived that she isn't lying to you anymore. I would tell her that if she wants to remain married to you that she needs to stop talking to him. If she even protests a little then you can guarentee that she will just find another way to talk to him behind your back. I would also suggest counseling. This will help you two learn how to communicate the other issues you have in your marriage and make it a good start to mending things.

However, if she is unwilling, whatever, don't put up with it. File for divorce, custody of your daughter, and move on. You deserve to be treated much better than you have put up with all this time.

Best of luck!

 
Old 11-13-2006, 11:22 AM   #7
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Big,
This happened to me a couple of years ago, and of course this is just my opinion. You better stand up and put and end to this "friendship". If you do nothing ...you will lose it all. At this point it does not matter how you found out ,it just matters now what you do .

 
Old 11-13-2006, 12:15 PM   #8
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ozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB User
Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

BBC-
Wow, I too can not believe you have been able to keep this all to yourself. I don't know if I think you are totally blinded by love or just scared about all of this. Which ever it is, please, do yourself a huge favor and get over whatever it is that is keeping you from brining this up with your wife.

If she isn't sleeping with this guy physically, then she sure is mentally. She is emotionally involved with this guy and that means she isn't totally committed to you and your daughter and being a family. Her heart isn't truly there within your marriage and that isn't right for your daughter or for you.

Yes, you "snooped", but she left this stuff where it was readily available for you to see and you saw it. You are her husband, and she is basically having some kind of connection with this guy right inside your home. Your daughter's home! I honestly don't even consider it snooping quite frankly. I do feel that if you have done anything wrong, it would be that you have known about this and haven't spoken with her. I am still trying to understand that part of it.

It sounds like you really do love her deeply- I mean you must to have allowed this to go on for so long, but at what expense? Your marriage is paying the price. Your emotions are being torn apart and it is affecting your marriage. It will soon spill over into your daughter's well being if you do not bring this out in the open. If you don't resent your wife right now, you eventually will, and your daughter WILL feel it. Babies have this uncanny way of feeling when things aren't right with mommy & daddy.

Please, for your daughter's sake and for the sake of yourself and your marriage, do what everyone else has suggested and please, talk to your wife. Make sure your daughter is with a family member or close friends for the night so there will be noone but you and your wife. No distractions. You two need to talk about this if there is going to be any shred of hope for your marriage to survive.

Do not let her turn anything around on you about the "snooping". You two are married, there really shouldn't be any secret email accounts. That computer is in your home, therefore you both have access to it and you came accross her secret. You did nothing wrong in that regard. This is about her "affair" and what is going to happen to your family and your marriage, not about whether you snooped or not.

I do hope you can find the courage to bring all of this out into the open, and I also hope that if you truly want things to work out, that it will.

Good Luck

Last edited by ozzybug; 11-13-2006 at 12:18 PM.

 
Old 11-13-2006, 03:11 PM   #9
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JBravo556 HB User
Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

I'd probably kick that guys ***. Period.

 
Old 11-13-2006, 03:26 PM   #10
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBeefcake

For one, her bahviour become atrocious. Very emotionally, mentally & a few times phycially abusive towards me. I of course because of what I knew, couldn't even talk to her or act around her the way I normally would. Plus I couldn't talk to her about it because, she would know that I snooped.

I decided to be the bigger person, I just took it. I took it all! I took any abuse, any mistreating, anything negative.
It stops me obviously from wanting to be intimate with her. I do it out of obligation, out of shutting her up, etc. I feel like I am prostituting myself to her in a round about way.

Even inspite of all this, I generally do whatever she asks. I do what I can to keep the peace. She has a very volitaile personality. In spite of that, I do what I can to keep her happy, make her smile, make he laugh, etc. Why can't I get that in return? She does it in other ways, but I want it in one way.

Bottom line is I do love her or I wouldn't have put up with things & the hurt it has caused me for as long as I have if I didn't.
Big Beefcake

Big beefcake - sorry but how can you really love her?

She is being not only emotionally abusive, but also physically abusive towards you! Neither a woman or a man should stay in a physically abusive relationship, and believe me this atmosphere as it is, will affect your child in the long run.

I think you are to worthy of her, and ask yourself, what it is about her that you actually love?

 
Old 11-13-2006, 11:50 PM   #11
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

everyone else seems to have given some pretty sound advice...
i'd only add one suggestion, and this is more "preparation" for a worst case scenario type of thing...

i think you need to let her know you know as well...
having said that, you should also be prepared for the worst possible outcome (at least probably in your perception), and maybe you guys decide to divorce over this...
if that does happen, and if she continues to be as abusive as you've mentioned, and if you're planning on fighting to get custody of your daughter, i think it's going to end up being pretty important to collect as much documentable information about her abuse and infidelity as possible...
if you don't want to do this... fine... obviously that's your prerogative...
but if you DO decide to prepare... you should do so BEFORE you confront her, because odds are, if a fight ensues and things go south, and the "divorce" card gets thrown around along with the "custody" issue, you can bet she's going to run back and delete whatever incriminating and damning evidence there is in a heartbeat...

sorry to have to be the one to suggest such a thing, and i truly hope you are able to work things out, she sees the error of her ways, and you guys are able to move forward...
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Old 11-14-2006, 01:07 PM   #12
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

Why not go to that guys page and post a message on his website.Write simply this. "Stay away from my wife" ! He'll be a little worried and wifey will be impressed that you are willing to fight for her.

Last edited by daylight568; 11-14-2006 at 01:08 PM.

 
Old 11-14-2006, 01:29 PM   #13
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

The problem is that she likes it that this guy is talking to her and is possibly cheating with him.

 
Old 11-16-2006, 03:50 PM   #14
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

I have a few questions that I would like to ask you. How long EXACTLY were you unemployed? Was it your first job loss? Were you getting unemployment? I'll explain in more detail why I asked after I have a better understanding of the above questions.

Last edited by SofteeatHeart; 11-16-2006 at 03:51 PM.

 
Old 11-17-2006, 01:46 PM   #15
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Re: Need Help About My Wife & Her "Friend"

I think you can tell your wife that you stubbled upon her "page" and saw all the messages. Its not that hard to do!

 
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