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Old 11-20-2006, 12:35 PM   #1
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jkitty HB User
Too quick, afraid to scare him off

So normally I am the logical person in a relationship and I take my sweet time. I wait for the guy to make the first move, don't come on to strong, stay a mystery for awhile, etc... This is not done as a game but it just takes me a long time to get interested.

However, I met a guy online about 2 months ago. He's from my high school but we didn't hang around with the same friends. (Also it's been 12yrs since I graduated) So we knew of each other but we didn't associate until recently. We talked online several times and enjoyed each other's conversation. I was living with an ex boyfriend at the time though and wanted to resolve this before dating someone new.

So I layed off the emails and sort of disappeared from online for awhile. With my ex due to move out on the first of November I changed my phone number and started to move on with my life. So we've been texting each other again for about three weeks. Our first date was November 11th and we had a great time typical movie and dinner date. He kissed my cheek when it was over and asked for a hug. I kissed him on the lips. He beamed about it for a week in our texts that he liked that I stole a kiss and took the initiative.

Well our next date was last weekend. I have this need to express myself to him by touching and kissing him. I guess you could say that I am physically attracted to him. But my behavior is not normal. I don't usually come on this strong. I even ended up sharing a bed with him that night because we got so intense. However, wonderful and comfortable I felt about my decision I still am nervous about the repricussions.

I showed that I am into him that much that I would get with him on our second date. That is so unlike me. Now I don't know what ramifications I may be facing. Obviously I really like this guy, but me coming on too strong I'm afraid might scare him away. Too much too soon kind of thing. He doesn't seem put off by my behavior and he enjoyed it as much as I did I am suspecting. BUT how do I handle myself now that I've crossed that line. I know I am not going to say anything stupid like "I love you" when we aren't at that stage yet. I just don't know how to slow things down and not freak him out. I know most males do not like the clingy, desperate girl and I don't want to appear that way. I just really am into him and it sort of scares me a little that I could have gone so far with a man I hardly know.

Any advice? Would appreciate a males perspective as well.

Thanks.

Jenn

 
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Old 11-20-2006, 12:50 PM   #2
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

OK, so it is the Monday after you slept with him. This is always a big "what if" point for women wanting to start a relationship. Right now, I think it is too soon for me to give you advice, other than - wait for him to call you. The amount of time it takes him to respond and what he has to say will dictate your next move. Just go with your instincts. And be yourself! Continue to be nice and cheerful and smily - you may want to explain, if you haven't already, that you don't do that sort of thing often (second date bed sharing) and that you just felt really comfortable with him, etc. Then smile and have fun. So, do you think he's going to call you soon? How long did it take for him to call after your first date -- or did you call him? And, most importantly, do you know if he's even looking for a relationship right now?

Oh and maybe you're coming on stronger because you're on the rebound from your ex? Just a thought, obviously I don't know the details of that situation.

So, hopefully he calls you soon. He should probably at least call within the same time frame as he did after the first date. Also consider, how did you leave it with him when you finally parted after the date? Did you talk about any of these things in bed, etc.?

I also think you can still be mysterious and all that. Try to show that you have your own hobbies and interests and well, basically, your own life. But also take your cues from him. What I mean by that is, if he's the type that might need some extra pushing or extra reassurance that you want a relationship with him, then you have to provide that. Let us know what the first conversation is like this week. And good luck, because it sounds like you may have something good developing here - well, as long as he calls!

Last edited by minnesotagirl; 11-20-2006 at 12:51 PM.

 
Old 11-20-2006, 01:17 PM   #3
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Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Thanks Minnesotagirl.

He's already called and we still text several times a day. I have told him that this is not normal behavior for me. He told me that we are both adults and shouldn't worry about what the normal time frame is. He has been very supportive.

He did however sugguest that I may be in rebound mode. I assured him that I was not. He asked me if I was just with him as a distraction from the bad circumstances in my past relationship. I do not believe this is the case. I have had several opportunities to date as my ex and I have been on and off again. Our relationship has been over for some time and I do not love my ex or have any unresolved feelings for him, like what if he changes, etc... I was not looking for a new relationship when I decided to give this date a try, it was a shock that I even made the effort to go in the first place. I wanted to be single for awhile and take a break, but he had this strange effect on me.

I do believe he is looking for a relationship in general because he was on a dating website that I found when I goggled his handle. (only because he seemed to miraculously find a post I wrote in 2003 and I realized that he'd goggled me). I never thought to do that until I found his discovery suspicious.

After sleeping with him he said he was lucky. He tells me I am beautiful and pays me compliments all the time. I guess it's my insecurity because I usually wait for the guy to be so into me that I don't take risks of being rejected. I have a strong feeling that he is into me as much as I am into him, but I can't be sure and that's scary. I just don't want to screw up a beautiful thing by coming off too pushy. Thanks for the support and ideas. Keep em coming and I will be sure to report back on the situation.

 
Old 11-20-2006, 01:33 PM   #4
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Seeing as how he as already called you and you text several times a day I would say that you have nothing to worry about. I met my husband a few months after I got out of a bad relationship and I wasn't looking either. Sometimes you just meet someone and something clicks.

He's right, your both adults and it's up to the two of you how your relationship plays out. His asking if you are in rebound mode is probably his way of protecting himself. Maybe he is a little nervous of letting things go that far not knowing where you stood.

Just keep being yourself, after all, that's what won him over in the first place. Don't be affraid to keep doing things that don't involve him. This will let him know that you are not the "clingy" type. I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Have fun!

 
Old 11-20-2006, 01:36 PM   #5
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minnesotagirl HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Well, good thing is the guy is at the point in his life (around age 30 I assume) that he should be looking to settle down. This sounds really promising, based on what you've said. Just keeping being yourself!

You can sleep with someone that soon in a relationship and then go onto to have a long loving relationship. Just have to follow the same guidelines as any healthy relationship -- trust, open communication, compromise, etc.

 
Old 11-20-2006, 01:59 PM   #6
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jkitty HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Thank you both. I needed this. I didn't want to come off as insecure. I just haven't done this in so long. I generally tend to date guys that are very persistant and end up being the stalker type when we break up so I was really looking for a extended break to examine why I attract such unstable people. I am thinking that my fear of rejection makes me "fall" for the type of person that is into me an unnatural amount too soon.

The fact that this guy is normal and not obsessing about me is proof that he's not a psycho so that's a plus.

I don't really know what he's thinking and I suppose that's the fun of finding out. It's just all new territory for me, but I think a positive step. I just hope that my patterns do not repeat themselves because I am dating too soon. I don't want another emotionally dependant guy even though I seem to subconciously seek them. (thus my post almost needing to know he's into me to proceed) I need to calm down and be releaved that he is not trying to devote his life to me right away. lol

Here's hoping this is an emotionally healthy guy and things work out. I guess if I scare him off it's an experience to learn from and build on to make my relationship health stronger.

Kindest Regards,

Jenn

 
Old 11-20-2006, 03:24 PM   #7
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808Lion HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Quote:
He did however sugguest that I may be in rebound mode. I assured him that I was not. He asked me if I was just with him as a distraction from the bad circumstances in my past relationship. I do not believe this is the case. I have had several opportunities to date as my ex and I have been on and off again. Our relationship has been over for some time and I do not love my ex or have any unresolved feelings for him, like what if he changes, etc... I was not looking for a new relationship when I decided to give this date a try, it was a shock that I even made the effort to go in the first place. I wanted to be single for awhile and take a break, but he had this strange effect on me.
the fact that he inquired about whether or not you might be on the rebound is actually a good thing...
it means he's thinking about the long term for himself as well...
if he just wanted to have sex or be in a casual relationship with you, he wouldn't care about the rebound issue and as a result most likely wouldn't have bothered asking...

Quote:
I guess it's my insecurity because I usually wait for the guy to be so into me that I don't take risks of being rejected. I have a strong feeling that he is into me as much as I am into him, but I can't be sure and that's scary. I just don't want to screw up a beautiful thing by coming off too pushy. Thanks for the support and ideas. Keep em coming and I will be sure to report back on the situation.
maybe you're the type that feels more secure as time goes on, but the truth is you can never REALLY be sure of anything... can you?
and if you're worried about coming off too pushy and don't want to screw up a good thing, then don't... :-)
should be simple enough...
just try to take it easy and really enjoy the great chemistry and communication you guys seem to have so far...
don't put more stress on yourself then you need to, because that kind of tensions and pressure is readily perceivable by him as well...
he might not know exactly what the tension, stress, or pressure is about, but most guys (and vice versa) can "feel" it... pick up on the "vibe"... that sort of thing...

hope things continue to go well... :-)
__________________
rust never sleeps...

 
Old 11-21-2006, 07:10 AM   #8
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jkitty HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Well he text me this morning, "Good morning beatuiful, hope you slept well." And last night he called and asked that I PEN not pencil him in for this weekend. So things are good. I know I shouldn't put too much thought into this new relationship and I should just enjoy being attracted to him. I mean I really don't know him that well either so why worry if I don't even know the flaws yet.

Thanks everyone, I guess I just started to panic because I slept with him too soon.

Kind Regards,

Jen

 
Old 11-21-2006, 06:59 PM   #9
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PeytonP HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Dood. That's great.

All the best.

 
Old 11-22-2006, 06:18 AM   #10
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jkitty HB User
Re: Too quick, afraid to scare him off

Well I think I did it. I scared him off. I wouldn't have thought so if his actions didn't change completely in one day's time. He was texting me all the time and calling at least once a day. When I text him last night to wish him luck on his test in the morning he was short and rather rude. I haven't heard from him since. Normally he's texted me 5 pictures of himself by now. It could just be the pressure of the test, but it seems like he's putting me off. I left it at that and I will wait for him to call again if he wishes, but female intuition tells me he won't.

Oh well, I am a strong person and can handle rejection quite well. Better sooner than later. At least I know I can be physically attracted to someone again. I will just have to keep it under better control next time and not act like an animal. LOL

 
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