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Old 11-21-2006, 07:17 AM   #1
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I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

Hi Everyone,

My relationship is threatened by a friendship, please provide advice.

My boyfriend of a year and a half has been best friends with a guy who's he's known for 8 years.

Over the last year, this guy has sent letters to my boyfriend about me or told my boyfriend that "I'm a manipulative *****." or wrote that "things with her are beyond repair" because one time I sat by myself at his party. He also wrote me a note one time saying that I shouldn't call my own boyfriend because it annoys him and he won't invite him to a football game if I do. He also said I shouldn't call because "you know how guys talk." The list goes on. Last friday my boyfriend said he wanted to break up because I don't like his friend for everything he's done and don't want him to be a part of our lives.

He told his friend that he was the cause of much strife, and that what he did made me unhappy.

In reaction, he sent the following letter to me. After reading it I feel as though it's a lecture hidden by one sorry at the top. Please tell me your advice and if you think this is a true effort to be nice to me.

"Nicole,
I apologize for what I said to you back in August. I was out of line. I don't have any excuses. I guess I had my reasons at the time for writing you that morning (one of which was a hangover), but I acted inappropriately, and regretted sending you that note ever since because it put my best friend in a very awkward position. Unfortunately, I don't recall the exact context of what was said, as those emails were written several months ago and were deleted on my end. Just know that I never meant to hurt, offend, or disrespect you or Brad, and that it will never happen again.

Also, Brad was not in any position to say anything to me about it these past few months...he was trying to be respectful of your privacy. Had I known how my email had affected you, I would have tried to make things right with you months ago.

Last but not least, I'd like to leave you with one final thought which comes from the serenity prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

Nicole, please understand that this is not advise, but an effort to find resolve to a situation that has left all 3 of us in pain for several months. Nicole, Brad loves you very much. I respect that love, no matter who it is with, simply because that's what is in his heart...and I want him to be happy.

By the same token, Brad has also been a very dear friend of mine for the past 9 years. Actually, he is more or less a part of my family, rather than just a friend. I don't expect you to understand that, but our friendship is also a part of him. When he's been denied that friendship, he's been unhappy, just as I have, and just as my boys have as he has been like an uncle to them since they were 5 & 6 years old.

Nobody owns Brad's heart except Brad. If we can both accept that changing Brad's heart is out of the question (not to mention unfair to Brad), why can't we both accept one another as part of Brad's life and his happiness? You and I don't have to understand one another. We don't have to agree with one another, and we don't necessarily have to feel obligated to spend any time with one another. All we need to do is understand and respect that Brad needs to spend time with each one of us.

Anyway, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be. I also hope that you can give what I've said some thought. Brad has no idea that I sent this to you, but I felt that I needed to as this has gone unresolved for far too long "

Again, I feel like this is a lecture, not an apology.

Last edited by whiteslopes; 11-21-2006 at 07:21 AM.

 
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Old 11-21-2006, 07:35 AM   #2
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

Well, you haven't really given us much to go on. The letter itself reads ok to me - it sounds like he's genuinely apologising for being hurtful to you in the past, and that he realises that maybe you and him are never going to be great friends, but that your boyfriend has the right to be friends with him and you at the same time.

Your post doesn't really say much about your situation with your boyfriend - whether it's a happy relationship, or rather troubled. I'm guessing from your post that perhaps your bf spends a fair bit of time with this friend of his, and that maybe you've had issues with it, causing his friend to be resentful of your influence over 'Brad'. Of course this could be wrong, but that's what I'm getting from the letter you posted.

Perhaps if you explain the relationship/history between the 3 of you a bit more, we can offer better advice for the future?

Last edited by Willapp; 11-21-2006 at 07:35 AM.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 07:42 AM   #3
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

Thanks Willap-

Our relationship for the past 8 months has been miserable on this topic, because of how he handled these situations. For instance, when his friend called me names in the past, his reaction wasn't to tell him he was overstepping his bounds but to let it happen. Another woman (the friend in question's friend" went up to him at a party when I was 5 feet away and said "I don't get it, why are you with her, you can do much better."

I'm angry because I don't think that for one his friend should be telling me about my realationship with my boyfriend and explaining what friendship means. Because honestly, I let him hang out with whomever... and was indifferent toward him hanging out with this guy until he started writing me rude letters and talking bad about me to him.

Now I'm at the point of knowing that if this guy does anything, or if he's a jerk to me, in the end he'll be made a priority over me. I only started having a problem with them hanging out when his friend aggressively went after me verbally. Now I think that a true friend wouldn't do that in the first place, and why is he friends with him if he has the capability to act that way towards me?

Another insult to me is that my boyfriend wasn't offended by this guy taking cheap shots at me. And he should be! Instead he was trying to be the mediator between us........as if the source of all the problems wasn't him.

Last edited by whiteslopes; 11-21-2006 at 07:44 AM.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 07:57 AM   #4
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

I find the note sincere as well. I think he was explaining his feelings to you, a thing men have a very difficult time doing. In all honesty, I'm suprised he made such an effort. He must care for his friend a great deal. Maybe he's learned a good lesson. You might want to take a page from the same notebook or you'll both loose him over this tug-of-war.

Last edited by eve40; 11-21-2006 at 07:59 AM.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 08:12 AM   #5
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

Thanks for your response

Though I think it's fair to say it was a sincere apology, I don't think it's fair for me to have to share my boyfriend with another family. I feel that the majority level of commitment to anyone really should be reserved for me since we were planning on starting a life together.

I'm unsure whether I can be comfortable knowing that this friend has the equivelent status of another girlfriend, and knowing that he will side with him even if he does something rather unreasonable. I believe I should have a priority.

Thoughts?

Last edited by whiteslopes; 11-21-2006 at 08:14 AM.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 08:16 AM   #6
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

I can't speak for his previous behavior, and there are usually two sides to every story. All we can go off of is the letter. It seems honest and not vengful or lecturing. We don't know how sincere this person is, but the letter in itself seems heartfelt. It looks like he is trying to make peace, and not hurt anyone in the process. If you want to make the relationship work, I would accept the peace offering.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 08:20 AM   #7
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

Quote:
Originally Posted by whiteslopes
Thanks for your response

I don't think it's fair for me to have to share my boyfriend with another family. I feel that the majority level of commitment to anyone really should be reserved for me since we were planning on starting a life together.

I'm unsure whether I can be comfortable knowing that this friend has the equivelent status of another girlfriend, and knowing that he will side with him even if he does something rather unreasonable. I believe I should have a priority.

Thoughts?

share your BF with another family? is that what you call it when someone has friends? would you prefer that your BF associate with no one but you and revolve his live completely around you? That's not healthy.
While I agree with you that your BF should defend you when his friend is calling you names, and being disrespectful, etc.....your statement above strikes me very funny.....and not in a haha way......

 
Old 11-21-2006, 08:36 AM   #8
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

I think that letters reads very sincerely. What more do you want out of an apology?

I too have had conflicts with my BF's friends. We've been together for 4 and a half years now, but that entire time, his friends have been a big part of his life. He not only has a buddy who is like family, similar to your BF, my BF has 4 really good friends who are like family that he's known for 10+ years. At the beginning, I was accepted into his group of friends as I guess I have some "tomboy" qualities (I like drinking games, poker, watching sports, etc.) but of course they started to think I hung around too much and I wanted my BF to give me more attention. Things got bad about a year ago when I finally got into a screaming match with one of his best buddies. We had both been drinking. My BF did defend me, but he kind of just left it between us two, which was fine with me, really. Afterward we both apologized. Of course there are sometimes when I get upset because my BF wants to hang with his buddies instead of me. For example last weekend, my BF had just got home after being gone for 10 days. He came home early because he missed me, but then he calls up his friends to hang out, then makes new plans with them. I was invited to go with, but it was not at all what I wanted to do. Yes, I was disappointed and I acted upset, but I also knew that it's not good to come between my BF and his friends. I shouldn't make him choose - neither should his friends. We just had to come to a compromise.

I know that my BF needs his friends -- he's known them for a lot longer than he has me, and they are like his family. I don't want to make him choose between me or them. He's only 25, so it just takes some understanding. His friends probably won't always be so important, but until he feels that way, I don't want to pressure him and have him resent me.

So, I think you need to let your BF be a guy and have his buddies. The more accepting you are, they more likely your BF will appreciate you and his friends will like you, and maybe you all can hang out together.

You can be the most important woman in your BF's life (well, maybe besides his mom or if he had a daughter, etc.) but you're not supposed to be the most important guy friend too.

If he's spending so much time with his friends that he always cancels plans with you or if he never spends alone time with you, then maybe you need to work out a compromise, but don't say no altogether.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 09:01 AM   #9
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

It doesn't sound to me like you're being that unreasonable where this friend is concerned. I'd have had major issue if one of my now husbands best friends was that rude and crude towards me during our courtship.

It would also bother me if my boyfriend had just stood by stupidly accepting such rude comments about someone he claims to care so much about. I can imagine that's actually more hurtful than what the best friend had said/written to you to begin with.

I understand what you mean when you say you should be the top priority. I agree with that logic, completely. It doesn't mean that he shouldn't have OTHER priorities, but if someone is planning on starting a family and spending their life with you (if you'd gone this far, I mean a year and a half is no drop in the bucket by any means in a relationship these days!), you should definitely be at the top of their list for respect. IF that person doesn't respect you by allowing people he associates to DISrespect you, how can you not be bothered and hurt by that?

You're not saying he can't spend time with his friends, on any level!, or that he even can't be friends with this guy - so I don't see that you should really be reprimanded for this. You deserve to be with someone who would gladly stand up to any friend if they're insulting you, that's just incosiderate.

Anyway... I do think the letter sounds sincere, and I'd take the extended olive branch, I think the more serious thing that needs to be addressed here is the fact that your boyfriend just stood by and let this guy talk about you that way. If he cares as much as he and his friend claim about you, then he should've put a stop to it to keep it from getting this intense to begin with.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 09:02 AM   #10
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

Hello,

When I say that my boyfriend would have a second family, I mean that he prioritizes them with extended periods of time. AKA, 3-4 times a week.

Secondly, generally when you're with someone on a serious level (he said I was the one) you place them as a priority when your best friend is calling your girlfriend a ***** for no apparent reason.

I believe that he should be offended when these things happen......because I would be if my best friend said something bad about him.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 09:11 AM   #11
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

I accepted the apology, but honestly I still hate his best friend.. he's an absolute inconsiderate jerk.

As for family, I believe in the school of thought that when you are with someone, you meld with them, that person is your best friend and priority.

Guy friends are guy friends, but family is family....and after marriage family becomes your priority and life.

I think that if there is a guy friend who is corrosive and unsupportive of that relationship, he only serves to tear a family apart or make things worse.

This guy has gone out of his way to make our business his business.. including giving me his two cents on personal arguements my boyfrined and I have had that were none of his business.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 09:22 AM   #12
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

Can't say I blame you for disliking the guy so much, he sounds like a 'bros before hos' mentality type ;P I agree with you, ONCE you become family - you SHOULD be first priority - period. I think that just comes with the territory.

It really is up to you to communicate to your bf why this is such a big deal, and find out exactly why he didn't feel the need to defend you.

I can understand guys talking to their friends about relationship problems, but the fact that this buddy actually turns around and lectures you on your issues within YOUR relationship is pretty ludicrous, imo. He has no business bringing that back to your plate. We all have to talk to friends to vent out frustrations so we can help overcome some petty fights here and there, but that doesn't give those same friends rights to run back and tell us about our problems.

Geez, invasive much?

 
Old 11-21-2006, 09:48 AM   #13
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

I'm so beyond hurt. My boyfriend never really explains why he doesn't defend me, he just gets quiet. Last friday when he said he wanted to break up he said "I guess it's becuase on a level I'm not that dedicated to you." He also said he didn't think there was a future between us.

Then later he said sorry and said he said this because he was mad.

I loved this man more than anything in the world... and I feel like in return I was stepped on and invaded.. and all I have to show for it is an apology from his buddy who did all these things on purpose with an intent to harm me.

I almost want to break it off with him. I'm so much in pain and confused that I begged him to tell me why he allowed this to happen, and all he says is sorry.

I'm humiliated and sad. I just wish I never met him so I wouldn't have to feel sad after he's gone.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 10:02 AM   #14
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

As far as I understand his friends (not just one person) don't accept you for whatever reason which may not be any fair.
I would just back out, it doesn't have to be like that. He obviously having hard time resisting them and protecting you.
I suspect this guy write this letter to get you bf to be his friend again but I doubht that he will not keep doing nasty things to you as soon as you let your bf be his friend again.

 
Old 11-21-2006, 10:07 AM   #15
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Re: I believe his friend has been rude, here's his letter, please advise

I get along with all of his friends except this one.....I totally let him go out with his other friends to where ever they want to go, because I know I can trust them.

However, this one friend is just non trust worthy. He's done what he's done.. I just get a bad feeling about him.

 
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