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Old 11-27-2006, 06:00 PM   #1
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I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Sorry if this is too long!

I’m 18 and have been communicating with a man who’s 14 years older than me, for the past year or so, when we met at a cultural event. When I first met him, he had a gf and I met them together, but he would email me from time to time, because we had mutual interests and are from similar backgrounds. After the initial meeting, we met again only a year later. For the past three months or so we had been meeting up and spending quite a lot of time together and I was beginning to really like him. I have quite strict parents, but they went on holiday for a while, and during that time we went to a party together and he came back to my house. We did not have sexual intercourse, but we did engage in other forms of sexual activity. He stayed at my house while my parents were away, and I got quite emotionally involved during that time. My parents came back, so he didn’t come to my house for a while, and we just spent time together outside the house, went for dinner, etc. Then my parents went again for just a couple of days, so he came over again. On the night before their arrival, we went to another party, where he bought me a drink.. Immediately I sensed that something was not quite right and after about 20 minutes I started to feel extremely dizzy, drunk and generally unwell. I remember thinking that it was strange that he was just staring at me and not doing much about it. We danced for a bit, I felt even dizzier, and he insisted on going home. He got us a cab to my place and then we went upstairs and went to bed straight away. I do not really remember how we fell asleep. I was also asleep for the entire duration of the journey home. The next morning I awoke, feeling as though I had been asleep forever (even though it was only several hours) and felt a bit funny…but I wasn’t sure what it was. I looked at him, and he was wearing different clothes to what he was previously wearing and I wasn’t wearing anything. I remember thinking it was strange and asking him how we fell asleep (he said he couldn’t remember), but I wasn’t that suspicious at the time.
Everything still seemed normal (if you can call that normal) and we had breakfast and then he got his things ready, since my parents were meant to come back that morning. I thought that the way he was saying goodbye to me was a bit unusual, as if we weren’t going to see each other again and were saying goodbye forever, but I didn’t give it much thought. My parents came back, and several hours later, they found that they had an email from an anonymous person, with the subject title ‘your daughter is having sex with a divorced man’ (he’s divorced!). The sender of the email claims to be his friend, and that he’s worried about us, and felt that my parents should be informed of the fact that im having sex with an older man, and that they should stop it before I get pregnant. Words cannot describe my parents’ reaction, of course. The guy would also usually call or message me non-stop, but he didn’t contact me at all that day and said he was ‘busy’.
My parents told me to tell him not to contact me again, and he simply said ‘ok, I won’t’. This is coming from a person who claimed to love me so much, and care about me…he kept saying that he felt guilty for seeing me (since im so young), but he couldn’t help how he felt, etc. He even cried when he told me all of this…at which point I thought it was over the top (what kind of grown man would cry about that) and was beginning to suspect that it was all an act, but I wanted to believe that he meant it and again, didn’t give it much thought.
Now I have no idea what to do with myself or what to do about the situation. I think the email was written by him, because it was written in exactly his style and none of his ‘friends’ would know both of my parents’ work email addresses?! I think it was his way of getting rid of me, after having gotten what he wanted. If it really was him, I’m terrified at the fact that the person is warning me/my parents to stop it before I get pregnant (And the number of times it said we’re sleeping together, even though we didn’t). This brings me back to my suspicious about Friday night and how I felt after the drink, and how I felt about it the following morning. How likely is it that something happened while I was asleep (under the influence of something?) ? I am a virgin…so surely I would know the next morning? I do have some pain, but I don’t know if that’s psychological. I can no longer tell, because I’m in just such an awful state. I don’t know if I should see a doctor or do something? I’m also worrying about having caught an STD of some kind, through other sexual contact.
I’ve completely destroyed my relationship with my parents and they will never trust me again…they can’t even look me in the eye and I don’t think I can do anything to change this. I don’t have words to describe how Im feeling right now.
I don’t know how I could’ve been so stupid to believe that a divorced man who’s 14 years older than me, could fall in love with me and tell me how much I meant to him, etc…let him into my house and trust him so much. I really do not know what I was thinking. I keep hoping that all of this was a dream and that I will wake up soon and everything will be ok again. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust a guy again….so much emotional damage has been caused, my parents are distraught and I don’t even know what happened on Friday night after the party.
Any advice would be really appreciated…thanks in advance.

 
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Old 11-27-2006, 07:14 PM   #2
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Something similar happened to me at age 14. The guy put some drug in my half-glass of beer. I did not pass out, but could not move. He raped me, and when my parents found out, they insisted it must have been consentual because I'd had half a beer at age 14. So charges were never filed.
You are 18 now, but met this man when you were underage. Now that you are 18, you have a drink and pass out, feeling strange? And he just stared at you? Any memory loss? And I think you are right about the e-mail coming from him. I hate to speculate on this, but is it possible he slipped you a "roofie" ruhipnal (sp?) the date-rape drug? It is out of your system before you become conscious again so a drug test will not help. You also say he is divorced? Please check the public records on him for divorce (he may still be married) and for unsavory activities with under-age girls. It sounds like you are asking if rape could have happened, in a roundabout way. It happened to me; it happens all the time. And it shouldn't happen, ever! I'm so very sorry, whether he assaulted you or just chickened out and wrote an e-mail (lies involved here, always a bad sign) to avoid you, either way you did nothing wrong and do not deserve this. If you still have the clothes from the party, save and bag them. They could contain evidence. I'm not sure what else to say, except if you suspect rape, from what you wrote it sounds like it to me. Once again, I'm sorry this whole thing happened. Any guy 14 years older than you when you meet at 17 can't have good intentions, especially if he comes over to your house just when your parents are gone. It is in your best interests to never see him again. And please get counseling. You need support and it should be from your parents, but if not, then a professional. Please take care of yourself.
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Old 11-27-2006, 07:20 PM   #3
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Something similar happened to me at age 14. The guy put some drug in my half-glass of beer. I did not pass out, but could not move. He raped me, and when my parents found out, they insisted it must have been consentual because I'd had half a beer at age 14. So charges were never filed.
You are 18 now, but met this man when you were underage. Now that you are 18, you have a drink and pass out, feeling strange? And he just stared at you? Any memory loss? And I think you are right about the e-mail coming from him. I hate to speculate on this, but is it possible he slipped you a "roofie" ruhipnal (sp?) the date-rape drug? It is out of your system before you become conscious again so a drug test will not help. You also say he is divorced? Please check the public records on him for divorce (he may still be married) and for unsavory activities with under-age girls. It sounds like you are asking if rape could have happened, in a roundabout way. It happened to me; it happens all the time. And it shouldn't happen, ever! I'm so very sorry, whether he assaulted you or just chickened out and wrote an e-mail (lies involved here, always a bad sign) to avoid you, either way you did nothing wrong and do not deserve this. If you still have the clothes from the party, save and bag them. They could contain evidence. I'm not sure what else to say, except if you suspect rape, from what you wrote it sounds like it to me. Once again, I'm sorry this whole thing happened. Any guy 14 years older than you when you meet at 17 can't have good intentions, especially if he comes over to your house just when your parents are gone. It is in your best interests to never see him again. And please get counseling. You need support and it should be from your parents, but if not, then a professional. Please take care of yourself.
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Old 11-28-2006, 12:48 AM   #4
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Thank you so much for your advice.

I really don't know what I thinking, when I was inviting an older man over to my house...I was so incredibly naive about everything, even at this age.

How would I go about checking divorce and sex-offenders records??

I'm still not sure what exactly it is that I should do if I suspect rape...and how would I prove it?! Also, should I have a medical check-up of some sort?

I'm still a bit confused...if I was a virgin, surely I would be able to tell right now if he had sex with me that night?

Thanks a lot.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 01:14 AM   #5
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Wow, what a mess. You do seem strong after all this and being only 18; I have to say be proud of yourself. I do think you should go to Dr. Explain that you think that someone may have slipped you the "date rape" drug and you would like an exam. They can check you for STD's and all that stuff. That way, you can make sure that you are PHYSICALLY okay. Now for the mental part; this guy is BAD news. I'm sure you have figured this out. Its very strange for a 32 year old man to involve himself in anyway with an 18 year old. Cut him off. Explain to your parents that you have not slept with this man and hope that you can regain their trust in time. Hang out with your girlfriends, people your age and try and learn from this. Thats what life is about. We live, we learn. Don't beat yourself up. You are the victim in this case. Take care of you.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 02:44 AM   #6
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

So if he did take advantage of me that night, I won't be able to prove it...and he could carry on doing this to other people?

I think I will go to the doctor tomorrow...I'm actually in quite a lot of physical pain now.

I don't know if it will be possible to regain my parents' trust. Even if I have not slept with him, I brought him into our house, while they were away and lied to them, etc. I think this is going to be a problem of mine forever.

I can't believe I didn't realise that it was so strange that he was associating with an 18 year old...I can't believe I fell for the act, when he was crying about it, etc. It just goes to show how naive you can be at the age of 18 and how manipulative people turn out to be.

He said he wouldn't contact me, but he emailed me last night, to ask if I'm ok, because he 'cares' about me. Also, he was telling me how his friend went on holiday and got into a car with some random people he had just met, and they tried to steal his money. He says he doesn't understand why somebody would get into a car with people they hardly knew. This is clearly a hint.
I also remember him telling me how dangerous it is to go clubbing with guys you dont know well, since they can spike your drink, etc...now I'm thinking that perhaps he was saying that to make me believe that he would never do it.

Anyway, thanks a lot to the people who have posted. Your advice is very much appreciated.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 02:48 AM   #7
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

You cannot let this creep get away with what he's done! As the other posters have said, get to a doctor and have an examination, explaining what happened. Then I would go to the police and give a statement. Everything you've said clearly points to a drug-rape incident - the feeling unwell, him wanting to take you home soon after, you waking up naked the next day still feeling groggy and with no memory of what happened.

Based on this alone, I think the police would want to talk to him. I would also seriously consider telling your parents exactly what happened - if they're good people they will support you and would want to see this evil person brought to justice.

Remember though that this was not your fault, so please don't blame yourself or think you did anything wrong.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 03:20 AM   #8
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Willapp
You cannot let this creep get away with what he's done! As the other posters have said, get to a doctor and have an examination, explaining what happened. Then I would go to the police and give a statement. Everything you've said clearly points to a drug-rape incident - the feeling unwell, him wanting to take you home soon after, you waking up naked the next day still feeling groggy and with no memory of what happened.

Based on this alone, I think the police would want to talk to him. I would also seriously consider telling your parents exactly what happened - if they're good people they will support you and would want to see this evil person brought to justice.

Remember though that this was not your fault, so please don't blame yourself or think you did anything wrong.
Thanks for the advice. I've noticed that you live in the UK...what kind of doctor would you suggest going to? A GP, A&E (people seem to go to A&E for literally everything these days!) ?

 
Old 11-28-2006, 03:23 AM   #9
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Also, this may be a stupid question, but how would I go about seeing the police? Should I just go to the nearest police station...? I also dont want to cause any harm or embarrassement if he didn't do anything, after all!

 
Old 11-28-2006, 06:15 AM   #10
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

I just received a long email from the guy, explaining why he didnt stay away from me in the first place, despite the age difference...and how he fell in love with me, and if I dont want him to contact me, he won't...but he will always be there for me, if I ever want to talk to him, etc.

This is only making things harder for me!

 
Old 11-28-2006, 06:28 AM   #11
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

THE GUY TOOK COMPLETE ADVANTAGE OF YOU!

It doesn't matter that you are a mature 18 year old girl.
He has 14 years over you with lots of experience with woman. He knew exactly what he was doing. His continued contact with you is to see if you are willing to continue seeing him, keeping tabs on that FRIDAY night if any memory comes back to you. Tell Him You Are pregant and see his reaction
He will tell you some story that it can't be HIS, he's going back to his wife or girlfriend or he's moving out of the country due to a promotion..........
He will Stop All Contact From You.

Don't beat yourself up or lose trust in all man. You were taken advantage of by an older and experienced man. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, please tell yourself that.

As for your parents. Talk to Them. Tell them you are sorry for losing their trust, You had no idea he was a divorced man, he lied about his age
he chased YOU, he pursued YOU and how you are only 18 years old and you lack of experience in dating and man how in the world would you know such things.......They will FORGIVE YOU, They will Trust you again, if anything their hurt and disappointment should be towards the man who hurt their daughter and took advantage of you.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 07:32 AM   #12
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by innocence
Also, this may be a stupid question, but how would I go about seeing the police? Should I just go to the nearest police station...? I also dont want to cause any harm or embarrassement if he didn't do anything, after all!
I think you can just visit your nearest station and ask to make a statement. If they ask what for, tell them you suspect a date-rape drug incident. I'm sure that will get the ball rolling, and they should advise you what to do.

I don't think you'll cause any embarrasment, because given what you've said it seems quite clear what happened. Ask youself these questions:

1) How much did you drink that night?
2) Did you drink enough to start feeling unwell, or was it quite sudden after just one drink?
3) Did you want to leave, or did he persuade/force you to go home?
4) What can you remember after leaving?

From your original post:
Quote:
where he bought me a drink.. Immediately I sensed that something was not quite right and after about 20 minutes I started to feel extremely dizzy, drunk and generally unwell.
That seems fairly clear to me. You also say that you still felt groggy the next day, and that you don't remember what happened. This, I'm sure, is enough for the police to be interested.

In terms of visiting a doctor, the GP should be fine - tell them you want to be checked for STDs, and if you feel comfortable enough, tell them what happened to you. If it was fairly recent there may still be some physical indications of an attack, but even if not it won't hurt to get examined and it doesn't disprove anything.

Obviously it's your choice whether to proceed with this or not, but if he could do this to you (assuming something did happen), he can do it to others, and probably already has.

Take care

 
Old 11-28-2006, 09:53 AM   #13
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

This guy sounds like a professional preditor! I wonder how many other young girls he has played this trick on. I have a feeling he chooses young women, because he knows they won't tell their parents. If the young girls accuse him of slipping them something and ****** them, he'll say they are lying and just trying to look innocent to their parents. It's a well thought-out ploy.
Even if the police can't prosecute him, you need to come forward in order to establish an official complaint history with him. There are probably others that have experienced the same thing, and unfortunately more in the future. The date-rape drug is very dangerous, and he could of killed you by giving you too much.
Hopefully your parents will eventually understand that you are young, and you fell victim to a sexual preditor. They need to stand behind you and support you so he doesn't do this to other young unsuspecting women.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 02:09 PM   #14
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

Quote:
1) How much did you drink that night?
2) Did you drink enough to start feeling unwell, or was it quite sudden after just one drink?
3) Did you want to leave, or did he persuade/force you to go home?
4) What can you remember after leaving?
1) I had one drink, and felt dizzy etc after only 1/4 of it, but for some reason, i continued to drink it...

2) It was very sudden...about 10 minutes after I had a few sips.

3) He didnt persuade or force me, but kept asking if I wanted to go, and when I replied by asking if he wanted to go, he would say yes...we only stayed there for an hour and a half or so, and he usually likes to stay until the end...

4) I know we got a cab home, but I dont remember the journey home. I woke up in the cab, and we were already outside my house. I was still dizzy and feeling unwell when I woke up, but I dismissed this, and assumed that it was because it was so late at night and I must've been simply tired. I remember opening the door with the keys myself (I gave him the keys at the party, so that he could look after them...oh god!) and then went upstairs and took my contacts out and went straight to bed. I woke up on saturday morning and for some reason, immediately looked at what we were wearing...I wasn't wearing anything (at all) and he was in boxers...I certainly do not remember him being in boxers and me being undressed, when we were falling asleep, and that's when I began to be a bit suspicious (even at the time when I thought he was a great guy, etc).

I still can't believe any of this. It just hasn't sunk in yet. He keeps saying he'll respect my wishes and leave me alone, but he keeps writing me messages about how much he cares about me and how much the time that we spent together, meant to him...etc. After reading his messages, I begin to momentarily believe him...and I know I shouldn't.

I'm going to go to the doctor tomorrow...I'm so scared, but I guess I have to.

Thanks to everyone who have read my posts and replied. It means a lot to me.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 02:56 PM   #15
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Re: I'm devastated...need some advice!!!!!!

I didn't read through all of the posts so I appologize I repeat anything that was already said.

You were horrilbly taken advantage of. You need to go to a doctor and get a complete exam. You were most likely raped and you should make sure that everything is okay.

The next thing you should do (if you haven't already) is tell your parents the truth about everything. You say that they already are angry and don't trust you so I don't see how being honest can make things any worse. So many women your age have had something like this happen to them and you shouldn't be embarrassed (and I'm not saying that you are) to tell them what happened.

Do you have any emails, texts, or anything else (aside from what he sent your parents)? Perhaps you should go to the police with any communication you have and any medical records that come out of your doctor visit. He is a predator and there is no doubt that he will take advantage of another girl in the same manner.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. Sure, you made some unwise decisions when it came to hanging out with this guy, but NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT! You did not consent to any of it. I hope when all of this is said and done you are able to move on and never have to waste another moment thinking about it. However, if you are unable to that alone please get some counseling.

 
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