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Old 11-27-2006, 10:38 PM   #1
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Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

I only posted just the other night, but this situation has taken a very big turn since then and I am presented with a brand new problem to consider and I'd appreciate any input or advice.

My boyfriend has recently moved out after 6 months living together (we're four years together in total) and he turned up tonight with this proposition which seems proposterous to me:

He called this afternoon to say he wanted to talk, so, tonight, around he comes and talk he does and you wouldnít bloody believe what he had to say for himself.. Apparently, these last six months, he has felt "trapped" and "imprisoned" and wants the relationship to continue, just with us living apart. Well, I didnt know if I was suffering a malfunction in my ears or what the ****ing problem was so it wasnt until after he left and I'd had the chance to have a think that I got my head around what he'd said.

The thing is, where is the future in a relationship where a man feels trapped and imprisoned living with you? Where is it going if that is how he feels? I canít see marriage and kids materialising anywhere down the line if he canít stand to share a roof with me! The crazy thing is, when he was living here, there is just no possible way I can understand how he'd have felt trapped and imprisoned since he was out five ****ing nights out of seven! Anyway, a couple of hours after he left I sent him the following text:

"Derek, how can you suppose this relationship could possibly work now that you have moved everything you own out and have no intention of coming back because you hate living with me so much??? You really must have lost your grip on reality if you cant see the damage you have done to this relationship in the last two weeks"

As I said, when he was here he was out far more often than he was in, so I really donít get the whole "trapped & imprisoned" thing. Maybe a few weeks in prison mightnít do him any harm, might give him some ****ing perspective on the situation.

The way I see it, us continuing the relationship now would feel like a demotion to me, a demotion of my position in his life, a demotion of the worth of the relationship to him, a demotion of the validity of the relationship as a whole - just demotions all over the ****ing place! Could you do it people? Please tell me honestly, could you keep seeing a man after he moved out because he couldnít stand living with you?

 
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Old 11-27-2006, 10:54 PM   #2
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

my girlfriend has suggested (during arguments and fights) that maybe we shouldn't live together...
i have calmly explained to her that no-one is forcing her to live with me, and of course she is free to do whatever she wants, but if she DOES choose to move out, then i would no longer be interested in trying to continue with the relationship...

i'm sure there are couples out there who might actually benefit from taking that kind of a step back... but i'm just not interested in being one of them... at least not in this particular relationship...

just my $0.02... :-)
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Old 11-27-2006, 10:59 PM   #3
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

That's exactly my problem 808Lion, it IS a step back, and I'm just not up for it; but I love this man and havent the foggiest sort of bloody clue what to do here. Am so upset and confused..

 
Old 11-27-2006, 11:08 PM   #4
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

wish i had something more to offer by way of advice...
sorry to hear you're in such a predicament...
i have to agree with your original post though and feel like the damage has been done...

only you can know for sure, but maybe it's just best to move on and start thinking about what life is like without him...
who knows what tomorrow will bring, and maybe he'll realize what a mistake he's made, but don't count on that or him for the time being...
invest the energy into yourself instead...

sorry again...
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Old 11-27-2006, 11:26 PM   #5
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

There is nothing to be sorry for, thank you for taking the time to respond. It is a relief to get this off my chest and have somebody listen and understand where I am coming from, so thanks for that.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 06:13 AM   #6
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

Personally, I'm all for people in a relationship each having a place of their own! I'm in a perfectly lovely relationship (at the moment) and for the time being my other half is crashing at my place while he sorts himself out. While it's nice to have him here a lot, I reckon it will get even better once he has a place of his own.
I can see your predicament though. However, your ex has not said that he hates you - only that he didn't enjoy living with you. Maybe he wouldn't enjoy living with anyone. Rather a lot of people feel "trapped" when they don't have a place of their own. I can sympathise! Your ex could clearly have worded it all better, but if you really like this guy, why don't you give it a try? You might find that living separately and "dating" is the perfect way for your relationship to work. I don't believe that living together is necessarily the be-all and end-all.
If you can't forgive him for what he's said, then I don't see any future for you. But if you are prepared to believe that it just might work, then surely you owe it to yourself to give it a go.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 06:25 AM   #7
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Laylah
As I said, when he was here he was out far more often than he was in, so I really donít get the whole "trapped & imprisoned" thing. Maybe a few weeks in prison mightnít do him any harm, might give him some ****ing perspective on the situation.

The way I see it, us continuing the relationship now would feel like a demotion to me, a demotion of my position in his life, a demotion of the worth of the relationship to him, a demotion of the validity of the relationship as a whole - just demotions all over the ****ing place! Could you do it people? Please tell me honestly, could you keep seeing a man after he moved out because he couldnít stand living with you?
Layla, this must be a really hard situation. It could be he just doesn't like living with you, like the other poster said, it could be he wouldn't like living with anyone. But the bottom line is, you want marriage and kids, and if you've been with this guy four long years and he still doesn't want to share a home with you, it's pretty clear that for whatever reason, this guy is not the guy to have marriage and kids with. If it were me, I'd break it off clean and go find someone who wants me, who would enjoy living with me and making a home with me, as life is short, and before you know it, your childbearing years will be gone. I don't think you're going to get what you want out of this guy, ever, so you have to decide if his sparkling company is worth wasting any more time and possibly missing a marriage minded guy you could have had a happy marriage with because you were investing so much time and energy into this guy. Is he worth giving up marriage and family forever? Giving up another four years or however many years he keeps you hanging and when he finally walks away for good, you'll be four more years older and no closer to having a marriage or family. If he is worth it, if you seriously don't care if he ever commits to you, stick it out. If you want something more, you need to go find someone who is willing to give it to you.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 07:19 AM   #8
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

This guy wants his cake and eat it too...that's all that's about! Move on, you want something that he is not willing to give you!

 
Old 11-28-2006, 08:16 AM   #9
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

It sounds like he just wants a casual girlfriend; one where he can see other girls on the side, but have a regular date for the company Christmas party. After four years together, it's a little late for that. He's made it clear that he's not in the same place you are. You sound like you're ready to settle down, get married, build a family life. He sounds like he wants to party and be free.

I think if he feels "trapped and imprisoned", he should try being " alone and abandoned" pronto.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 09:35 AM   #10
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

There are people who say that those who live together before marriage typically break up, ultimately insinuating that living together is a bad idea.

I personally disagree with this theory. I chose (and pushed) to live with my husband after about 2 years into our relationship. We lived together for a year and a half. And in my experience, I've come to believe that the reason a good percentage of couples who choose to live with eachother before being married end up breaking up is because they discover that one or the other ISN'T as dedicated as they should be - FOR marriage. I prefer, personally, to discover this BEFORE getting married! In living with my guy, there was a period of 6 months where I got very depressed. It was so difficult living with someone and adjusting to a new situation and everything else - to the point where we DID almost break up. But we made it through, we had what it took and we had a dedication to eachother that lead us to now being happily married.

I wouldn't WISH upon someone to go through that kind of scenario AFTER marriage, first living with someone and trying to adjust - while feeling TRULY trapped in the situation. I had the CHOICE to decide if I wanted this to work or if I couldn't handle it. That's what a real marriage takes, and now we're past it! It's great! I love living with my husband and we have our own place now.

Moral of the story... I think your boyfriend doesn't have what it takes Or at least, not with you. Dedication for a real relationship has to survive living together because you'd have to eventually ANYWAY.

I agree with you, and I'm so sorry that this has happened. But it's probably better to know now, than after marriage when he truly would feel 'stuck' and probably even more freaked out about the whole thing.

Hang in there

 
Old 11-28-2006, 02:03 PM   #11
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

I think this man is not a marriage material or may be you are not the one for him. What he offered doesn't make sense, it is not something normal.
I think you should just move on with your life and look for somebody else.

 
Old 11-28-2006, 03:21 PM   #12
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

Laylah,

I only read the first page of posts and I had to reply so please bare with me if I repeat anything.

I think you know what I am going to tell you. You are selling yourself way too short if you continue this relationship with him. You can't take a step backwards. It just doesn't work. It doesn't make any sense!

I understand taking a couple of days to cool off after an argument. I'm sure many people here have done that. But what he is suggesting is insane and he is an absolute moron (sorry) if thinks any woman (or person for that matter) would actually agree to that.

Anyway, those are my thoughts. You know that you deserve a man who can treat you the way you want to be treated. Don't settle for his "conselation prize"!

 
Old 11-28-2006, 09:10 PM   #13
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

First of all, thank you so much everyone for responding. This issue is, like most issues I suppose, more complex than I could fit into a single post (without rambling on for hours and turning you all square eyed!) Which is why I left out some important details in all this; In the 3 1/2 years before we moved in together we had many conversations where I stated with absolute certainty that I never wanted to live with any man, and that though I may marry him in the future we would not be sharing the same roof. (I absolutely share the views of the person who said living together is not a necessity. I wouldnt consider it a necessity to a marraige, but of course if there were kids that would change things cause I woudlnt be into raising them almost single-handed!)

His first response was "what kind of a marriage is that"!! I responded "the unconventional kind, but so what? If we were happy, so bloody what"? He didnt like the sound of my ideas, but as there were no immediate marriage plans on the table it wasnt really an issue. Then, six months ago, a very violent incident at his home where some scumbags from the local area assaulted and hospitalised his teenaged sons prompted the situation where he left the area. It was a total kip, full of lowlifes, and I wanted him out of there and asked him to come live with me; but really, we were thrown together under the one roof as a result of circumstance, not because of any real independent decision to live together.

I think he sees this (his moving out) as just reverting to the way we were before all that happened. I had never any intention to live with him in the first place, but now knowing it all worked out so badly would obviously make anyone feel hurt and sad. It does feel like, as I said 'a demotion' or as Happymon said 'a consolation prize', and I honestly dont respect the way he's chosen to handle this, because instead of telling me how he was truly feeling he decided to take the opportunity of us having a row to leave, masking one problem with another and keeping the true issue to himself.

He said to me last night "I want us to spend time together like we used to, going to bookstores and museums and stuff like that". I know what he's saying here; he wants things back the way they were before it all became about work, housework, arguing and going down the local pub on a friday night.

Part of me thinks this could be good for us, but the part of me that's so hurt by the fact that he hates living with me does, for the most part, block those thoughts from my mind.

Apologies for the long post. You've all been very kind in responding, thank you for that, honestly, it is a great comfort to discuss this and get some outside perspective; I'm just wondering does this additional information change anyones perceptions of how I ought deal with this situation?

Last edited by Laylah; 11-28-2006 at 10:32 PM.

 
Old 12-05-2006, 01:15 PM   #14
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

I have to say that the extra information would just make me all the more sure that it might be worth a try. I can see your concerns entirely, and his original reaction to the idea that you have an "unconventional" marriage may have been alarming, but that was over 3 years ago. It sounds like he's actually (in a less than perfect way) come round to your way of thinking.
In the same way that I don't see co-habiting as being essential, I would say the same about marriage (whether there are likely to be kids or not). What does it matter if you live together or get married, or do anything else that society seems to think you should. It's your relationship - the 2 of you need to sit down and discuss exactly what you want out of life, in the short-term and the long-term, and take it from there.
It certainly sounds like if the violent incident in his area hadn't happened, you would not have asked him to move in. I think you're right and that he sees his moving out as simply reverting to how things were in the beginning. You said that he was out a lot when he lived there - well, again, that just says to me that you are both people who need to live independent lives. That doesn't mean you can't have a perfectly healthy, happy relationship, You do not have to live in eachother's pockets - as long as the time you do spend together is fun and quality time then great!
I hope you get it all sorted out, and don't bow to pressure from anyone else who thinks that we should all follow the get together, move in, get married (or vice versa), have kids, etc etc plan of life. If it's not for you, don't do it.

 
Old 12-05-2006, 01:27 PM   #15
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Re: Could you do it people? Could you do what he wants here?

Hi

I would say that it sounds like he is either getting cold feet, or feels that the pace is going to fast.

Do you wish to get married to him? if you do, then you obviously need to have a serious heart to heart and find out where he sees the relationship going in the future. Otherwise you could end up wasting your time here.

Relationships that continue, either stay as they are, or move to the next level. I have to agree that this seems to have moved back a step.

Good luck

 
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