Wife Cheated Not Sure What To Do - Relationship Health Message Board

needing help 65 · 12-08-2006, 04:00 PM

HI THIS IS MY FIRST TIME DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS HOPE IT WORK SO HI TO ALL!!! WELL WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 13 YEARS AND TOGETHER FOR 15 I FOUND OUT IT HAS GONE ON FOR A YEAR AND A HALF WE HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD TO KEEP IT GOING BUT I JUST DONT FEEL SHE IS TRYING AS HARD AS SHE COULD SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY FOR HURTING ME THAT IT WAS OVER SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO SPEND THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH ME BUT I JUST DOESNT FEEL SO I KNOW I CAN FORGIVE HER FOR WHAT SHE HAS DONE BUT I KNOW I WILL NEVERE FORGET WE HAVE TWO GREAT KID I THINK I STILL LOVE OR I WOULDNT BE HERE RIGHT?I KNOW IM NOT LOOKING TO LEAVE BUT I JUST WOULD LIKE TO FEEL IT AND AS FAR AS TRUST THAT WILL COME AGAIN I HOPE BUT IM SURE I WILL ALWAYS WONDER HOW WILL I KNOW IF SHE MEANS IT???

Tiff208 · 12-08-2006, 06:43 PM

Sorry about your situation right now. I know it must be painful. How was the relationship prior to the affair? How did you find out and what was her reason? Sorrry for all the questions I am just trying to get a clearer picture here.

happymom28 · 12-08-2006, 07:58 PM

I am so sorry. I've been in your shoes and I know that it sucks!

Is this something that you thought was going on for a while and just couldn't prove or were you blindsided by it when you found out? Who did she cheat with? I am also sorry for the questions, but it does help to get a clearer picture.

As to your question about how you wouldn't be there if you still didn't love her, well, that's complicated. You had children with her so a part of you will always love her no matter what. Being the one who was cheated on also carries a lot of guilt like there was something you did to cause it. Perhaps the embarassment is the reason you're there. Maybe it's because you don't want your children to grow up with divorced parents. Maybe it's because you believe in staying married no matter what. Only you can answer that question.

How do you feel when you look at her? Can you look at her? Do you wonder where she is when ever she isn't with you? Do you have any trust left whatsoever? Again, I'm sorry. I think if you sit down and ask yourself all of these questions you will have the answer you are looking for.

ozzybug · 12-09-2006, 09:02 AM

I'm really sorry you are in this position. I too know what it feels like to be cheated on by a spouse because my first and EX husband did it to me. It's not a good feeling at all.

I have to say that I admire your choice to try and forgive and move beyond this. Most people couldn't. I know I couldn't. You know, happymom brought up some good questions and points to consider, so I won't repeat her.

Whether you chose to stay because of the kids, the time you have in this marriage already, or simply because you truly do love your wife and want to spend the rest of your life with her, you have to find some way to get the lines of communication up and going. If you feel your wife isn't whole heartedly into making things work, then you really do need to sit down with her sometime/some place where there are no interruptions and talk candidly about what you are feeling.

If the two of you aren't able to talk about this and work it through on your own, then maybe consider marriage counseling. This would allow you and your wife to speak with someone else about your deepest feelings and then have sessions with the counselor and you two together. I know my best friend and her husband were having issues that they weren't able to work through on their own and they tried counseling. It really did help them because it brought an uninvolved party in who as able to shed a new perspective on their marriage and their problems. They were able to work through their issues and have moved on and are stronger and more commited than ever.

If you and your wife are able to work through this, my only advice is this:
Once you have worked through this and are commited totally to making a strong and lasting marriage, it would serve you both best to never go back in time. In other words, once this is a finished issue, don't bring it up again, rather focus on your future.

I hope that if you truly want this to work that it will. Please keep us posted. Take care, and listen to your heart.

Kszan · 12-09-2006, 09:18 AM

Try not to post in all capital letters because it's considered shouting when posting online.

Secondly, you need to ask yourself whether you are willing to forgive her and if you can life with the knowledge that this happened. Some couples can get over cheating and be fine, after counseling. But others can never get passed it and it ends up breaking up the marriage.

Your next step should defintiely be counseling. For both of you together. It's really important. And then maybe you might want to consider counseling for yourself where you can speak candidly with an objective 3rd person about your feelings. That's the first thing you need to do. If, after counseling, you still don't feel like you can forgive her, then you need to just end it. There's no point in trying to stay with someone you feel you can't trust. Trust is the cornerstone of all marriages, and without it, the foundation can't hold up.