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Old 12-11-2006, 07:24 AM   #1
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Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Ugghh......R and I have been together for 3 years. During the 3 years, I've pretty much paid for everything, all the household expenses, living expenses, groceries, etc. We have lived together for 2 years and just now as he obtained a better job to where he COULD contribute and maybe SAVE and just maybe make up for the 2 years I've been paying for everything.

He makes triple what he did. He does give me 500.00 every two weeks, for all bills ...rent, elec, phone, cable, water, internet and groceries. However, his pay check is three times this much and is GONE within 3 - 4 days of getting paid.

I work 2 jobs, 80 hrs per week trying to save money in order to buy a house, I'm tired of renting. He does not save or contribute to this "fund" at all. He does go to work everyday, but doesn't help out with the house or anything unless I complain. So I'm at work every evening, coming home at 1 - 2 in the morning, to find the house a complete disaster, when he's been home since 5.

Things have "steadily" gone down hill and I'm at a cross road.

Yes, I DO love him. But I don't see anything changing. In 3 years the things I have asked him to "work" on, are exactly the same. The only think making more money has done, is given him more money to spend in the same short time frame .....lazy when it comes to the house. I'm resentful that I'm working 2 jobs while he's home doing nothing but spending all his money on nothing !! But when I think about asking him to go, I panic ...why?

I work Mon - Fri, 8 - 5 at my first job and Thurs, Fri, Sat night and Sunday 1 pm - 2 am at my second job. I have a 16 year old son, that R is home with cooking dinner, watching over, etc. Every time I think about asking R to leave I panic, who's going to watch my son? Who's going to help me with this? With that? uugghhh

Worse ...I've had this friend for about 8 years that I'm becoming increasingly attracted to !! It's horrible !! Horrible because I'm still with R, horrible because I panic when I think about R leaving, how I would make it right now without my second job .........however, I know that I'm not going to be happy with R unless he makes some changes, which in 3 years he has not !!

I'm torn, confused .......uugghhhh...........I wish I could meet someone tomorrow, get married, live happily ever after and skip the whole dating process.

 
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Old 12-11-2006, 07:44 AM   #2
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Well, what to say, - you say you wish you could meet someone tomorrow, get married and live happily ever after. But you didn't say, I wish R and I could get married tomorrow?

In view of that, it is quite clear to me, that R is not for you, if you were to get married, and then to have kids it could only get much worse.

Easy for me to say I know, but tell him to go, and move in a lodger who will share the bills fairly with you.

At least then you won't be running yourself ragged, and then coming home to yet more work, leaving yourself feeling unfairly treated.

He sounds like a freeloader, you are to nice, to soft, and he knows it.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 07:50 AM   #3
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Of course I wouldn't marry R tomorrow !! He has too many issues and needs to work on some things (money, responsibilty) etc. But the fact is I honestly DO love him ....the thought of us breaking up and him being with someone else, drives me crazy ....or is that normal even when things are over?

But is love enough? Doesn't security, responsibility, etc. come in here somewhere?

 
Old 12-11-2006, 08:22 AM   #4
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by thesedays
Of course I wouldn't marry R tomorrow !! He has too many issues and needs to work on some things (money, responsibilty) etc. But the fact is I honestly DO love him ....the thought of us breaking up and him being with someone else, drives me crazy ....or is that normal even when things are over?

But is love enough? Doesn't security, responsibility, etc. come in here somewhere?
Love is enough in fairytales - unfortunately now at 41, I have learnt that love is not enough, how can it be, you are not happy, you are tired, in your heart you know it is over. Love shouldn't make us feel that way, it is meant to make us feel happy.

So maybe the way you feel about him is not so much love, as it is perhaps more about being in a comfortable position like an old pair of slippers.

The reason you feel disturbed by the thought of him being with someone else, I would think is probably because once our relationships end, all the time they stay single there is a hope of a reconilliation, but once they are with someone else, I think it is more about someone taking our place, and our pride being hurt. I've been there, don't confuse the two.

If you know that you wouldn't marry him, but you do wish to get married someday, to me that says a lot about your true feeling for him.

I hope I haven't confused you, sorry if I have

 
Old 12-11-2006, 11:48 AM   #5
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

I think what you need to do is make it very clear to him that now he is earning much more money you expect him to contribute a substantial amount out of each paycheck towards a joint savings account for a house. His response will show you in very concreate terms how committed he is to your future together. In pain terms, tell him to put his money where his mouth is!

 
Old 12-11-2006, 12:15 PM   #6
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

I know it's hard, very hard, to see the forest when you're surrounded by trees, but really, you say you can't see staying with him if he doesn't change, and after 3 years, clearly he's not going to change. If you can't love him and accept him and be happy with him as he is, then you're better off breaking it off now and not wasting anymore time with the wrong person.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 01:01 PM   #7
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Yes, that's exactly what I'm afraid of. I'm 35 years old .....which isn't "old" but I'm not getting any younger. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up 45 years old one day and having to start all over because I stuck things out all in the "name of love".

Did you guys catch the part where I DO love him. He does have good qualities, but of course I've only listed the BAD here, which is what is bothering me.

But again, I dont want to waste alot of time on something that isn't making me completely happy and one day wish I would have done something else. I DO want to get married .......I DO want stability. I don't want to have to work 2 jobs forever but at the rate he is spending and I'm the only one saving, I do not see an end in sight for the 80 hrs week working, which I haven't had to do since college !!

This is a difficult decision ........accept him for how he is because I do love him .........or let him go because I also love myself and think I deserve someone to help me with life goals / dreams !! uugghhh

 
Old 12-11-2006, 01:36 PM   #8
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by thesedays
Did you guys catch the part where I DO love him. He does have good qualities, but of course I've only listed the BAD here, which is what is bothering me.
Yes, we caught that part, but as Tina Turner said, "what's love got to do got to do with it?" It really is true, love isn't always enough to form a good solid, healthy relationship and to make it last. The only question you have to ask yourself is, the way you are living now, do you see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? He's not going to change, you can't make him change. He will always be who he is. I know it's not as black and white and objective thrid parties can paint it out to be, but if the situation hasn't gotten any better in three years, especially since he has been making a lot more money lately but still refuses to contribute more, then I would think that makes the choice a little easier. The biggest regret of my whole life was staying too long with the wrong man, and turning down the chance to be with a nice guy who very well might have been the right man because I was still hoping things would work out with the wrong man, but of course they didn't, and now I'm almost 42 years old, at an age where it's easier to get hit by a bold of lightening than it is to get married, still childless, still single, and have lived almost all of my life alone with no family, no love, nothing that means anything. Mainly because I invested too much time and energy into the wrong man, hoping things would change and get better, which 9 times out of 10 they don't. I would hate to see anyone make the same grave mistake I made. It's a pretty big mistake to have to make, and one you could wind up paying for literally for the rest of your life.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 02:07 PM   #9
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Yes LLs Mom . that is my fear !! I also have a dear friend that was with the same man for 16 years. He always talked about marriage but never followed through. One day he met someone else and decided my friend T had to go. She was 45 and devastated !! She was depressed, lonely and afraid she'd never find anyone. She drug me out night after night trying to cheer herself up, or having me cheer her up. She even had a few one night stands ....of which none called her when they said they would. She finally asked me why they weren't calling and I had to tell her that they wouldn't. It's a "once in a blue moon" event to meet a man in a bar, go home with him and have him call. She was in a "self destruct" mode. Finally, she went home with one that called. She moved in with him 6 months later and married him within the year.

He's disgusting !! He's lazy, looks as if he doesn't brush his teeth, won't mow the grass and won't take out the trash. He's heavy, he's gross ...I can't stand to watch him eat. He burps / farts at the dinner table.

The moral to this storey is .......I'm afraid of wasting time and ending up like my friend ......picking the one that called, because I'm feeling old and afraid that one day I'll be too old to find anyone.

Very depressing !

 
Old 12-11-2006, 02:14 PM   #10
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

I get sad when I read posts like yours from women who feel that they must settle with someone who has green teeth, doesn't cut the lawn, take out the trash, etc...... clearly you feel that any man is better than none at all......why is that? I got tired of mens stuff after the last BF and I decided to take a break, and I found out, I like being alone......is it that scary for some women to actually be without a man for a while? you ought to give it a try, who know? you might like it.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 02:22 PM   #11
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Rose - I don't mind being alone. I was alone for over 8 years, and was perfectly fine with it.

I really don't think I'd be the type to "settle" for a man with green teeth .....ha ha ......though that is a true story. And yes, it's very sad that it was that important to be with a man. But to some women, it is that important.

I'm just saying, I don't want to waste 16 years on someone that is never going to change in the "name of love", just to wake up 50 and alone because I held out, waiting, and passed up something that might have been "right" for me.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 02:26 PM   #12
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

well if you're waiting for someone to change, don't hold your breath.
have you ever heard the saying that women get married hoping men will change and men get married hoping women won't change

look at it right now......how it is......that's the best you can expect.....
if it's not enough, you need to look after your own best interests and move on.

I seriously doubt if he's your last chance at love.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 05:53 PM   #13
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Rose is right. You need to think about what she is saying. And another thing, you said your kid is 16, right? Why does he need to have a babysitter when you're at your other job? He is plenty old enough to stay home alone while you're at work. I'm sure he could learn how to make his own dinner and do his own laundry if you were to ditch Mr. I'm Too Lazy in the interest of moving on with your life.

Being a single parent isn't easy. However, you're lucky your kid is old enough to take care of himself and he can be left home alone. My best friend's kid is only 9 and she can't stay home alone. Being a single parent, for her, is next to impossible. And her ex husband is a worthless pile of crap, so he's not much help.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 09:59 PM   #14
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

Quote:
Originally Posted by thesedays
Ugghh......R and I have been together for 3 years. During the 3 years, I've pretty much paid for everything, all the household expenses, living expenses, groceries, etc. We have lived together for 2 years and just now as he obtained a better job to where he COULD contribute and maybe SAVE and just maybe make up for the 2 years I've been paying for everything.

He makes triple what he did. He does give me 500.00 every two weeks, for all bills ...rent, elec, phone, cable, water, internet and groceries. However, his pay check is three times this much and is GONE within 3 - 4 days of getting paid.

I work 2 jobs, 80 hrs per week trying to save money in order to buy a house, I'm tired of renting. He does not save or contribute to this "fund" at all. He does go to work everyday, but doesn't help out with the house or anything unless I complain. So I'm at work every evening, coming home at 1 - 2 in the morning, to find the house a complete disaster, when he's been home since 5.

Things have "steadily" gone down hill and I'm at a cross road.

Yes, I DO love him. But I don't see anything changing. In 3 years the things I have asked him to "work" on, are exactly the same. The only think making more money has done, is given him more money to spend in the same short time frame .....lazy when it comes to the house. I'm resentful that I'm working 2 jobs while he's home doing nothing but spending all his money on nothing !! But when I think about asking him to go, I panic ...why?

I work Mon - Fri, 8 - 5 at my first job and Thurs, Fri, Sat night and Sunday 1 pm - 2 am at my second job. I have a 16 year old son, that R is home with cooking dinner, watching over, etc. Every time I think about asking R to leave I panic, who's going to watch my son? Who's going to help me with this? With that? uugghhh

Worse ...I've had this friend for about 8 years that I'm becoming increasingly attracted to !! It's horrible !! Horrible because I'm still with R, horrible because I panic when I think about R leaving, how I would make it right now without my second job .........however, I know that I'm not going to be happy with R unless he makes some changes, which in 3 years he has not !!

I'm torn, confused .......uugghhhh...........I wish I could meet someone tomorrow, get married, live happily ever after and skip the whole dating process.

Dear Thesedays,

I can completely relate to your post. I was a single mother too and I raised my son for 18 years by myself.

During those years, I've run into situations such as yours. One thing that came to mind was, "who do I love more, my boyfriend or myself".

Sometimes, a cross road is a good thing... I see it as my higher power showing me my choices and when I do decide to pick one road, I better be happy with it and stick with it. When I was in a similar situation as yours, I chose "me".... my sanity, my peace of mind, my self-respect... and in turn, I gained my life, my sanity, my peace of mind, my self-respect, my dignity. Sure, I have to spend more money on child care, I have less disposable money, but I was so much happier and my son also benefited from a happy Mom.... BTW, my son was only 4 years old when I came to my cross roads... your son can pretty much take care of himself.

Think about it... you already know the answer to your question. This board is good at getting your answers validated.

Good luck and remember, be kind to yourself. We are only human and we all make mistakes.

 
Old 12-11-2006, 10:44 PM   #15
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Re: Torn / Indecisive / Confused

i'd like to chime in and answer your earlier question and say that, yes, i did notice the part where you said you "DO" still love him...
i ALSO noticed the part about how you said you were getting more and more attracted to a "friend"...
those 2 things contradict themselves and you might want to take a good long look at that when wondering if you should still stay with this guy...
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