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Old 12-18-2006, 10:25 AM   #1
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Question Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

Hi ! I have a question. How dya know if you still love your husband ?
I am so confuse lately up to the point of asking my husband about a Divorce. I met this wonderful guy over the internet ( chatroom / not for dating or any other weird sites ) and we become friends & as days/moths go by we fell for each other. He came to visit me & we spent precious weeks together. Now, the only chance for us to be together is for me to get married with him. He is serious about comin to my country all the way from North America. I asked for a Divorce and my husband cried because he got surprised with my decision. He doesnt know anything about my love affair.I told him that i am very unhappy with our marriage and i am not inlove with him.

Please help me, am i makin the right decisions ? How dya know if u still love your husbands ? I will appreciate your response.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 10:27 AM   #2
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

why is the only chance to be together that you have to get married to him?
what country do you live in? I need more info before I can comment on if you're making a good or bad decision.

 
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Old 12-18-2006, 11:01 AM   #3
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

I live in Japan but I come from a third world country down in Asia. 3 weeks ago I applied for a temporary visa for Canada so we can be together. He lives in Canada and his job,kids are all there. What we were planning was for me to get a tourist visa then Id ask my husband for a Divorce then when its settled I would go there & get married. Thats the easiest way for us to be together and me to be legally staying in Canada.
I met him at some chatroom April this year & we became friends then lovers. We talked almost everyday on our messengers/cams. THen we decided that he come to see me so we could see for ourselves if we really like each other. And we were more on fire when we met in person.He looks good,nice guy and he really likes/loves me a lot. I felt it.I do love/like him as well. We spent weeks of just being with each other,tour my country & we clicked. During this time i asked permission to my husband for me to go home to my country,telling him that I wanna go to school for a short course & as always he would be understanding bout me goin home.
Then i came back home here and I became very cold than what i was before.I was cold too even before bcuz our marriage/relationship isnt normal. We are not intimate, i can only count how many times we had sex in our relationship.But he is a good provider,responsible,very hardworking,kind,understanding.You can say he is a good guy/husband. He is just not sweet,loving in a different way. We dont have kids & weve been married for 6 yrs. but weve been together all in all for like 8 yrs.

Me and my bf would continuosly talked (everyday) ,see each other on messengers .Planning what to do for us to be together.Of course it would be impossible for him to fly and see me all the time and he really wants me to be with him.He wants to marry me.And bcuz my visa got rejected by the embassy,we decided to do the Plan B which is for me to get a divorce and he would come to my country & marry me there.THen make an application for spouse visa.
I asked my husband for a Divorce and he cried and I was crying a lot too.I felt so sad and pity for him.I know that he is a good person,a good provider to the point of helping my love ones back home by sending them money every month.Because I am the only help in my family.THat is one of our culture in my country to help/support our parents,brothers or sisters. THat is the main reason why I also came to this country.then i met my husband. My husband said he wants to have a second chance,hes crying and he said im gonna let u love me once again bcuz i said i dont love him like the way i should love him.He said weve been together for many yrs already & its like i feel so sad. He said all he wants is for us to be good together,that is why hes been workin hard cuz he plans of buying a condominum and that he also wants to go to other places with me. hes offering me that if i would give him a chance that we would rent a new house,get a dog etc..Because he knows how bored i am here i told him bout it.that i am tired of this country and that i am very unhappy with my previous jobs and unhappy with my marriage life too. He was even offering me not to hurry on divorcing,he said why dont u go home to your country,take a vacation and i will give u some money.He said think bout it cuz this is all for you. He knows that we are poor back home and the only support i have is him and being in this rich country where i can get some decent salary unlike back home.

Please help me bcuz I am so confuse if this is the right thing to do. I love and i wanna be with my bf but I also feel pity,and a feeling of loss if I would just throw our 8 yrs. of being together. I am also scared of whats gonna happen to me in Canada if i would be with my bf because we havent been with each other for a long time. Its obvious that our relationship is kinda fresh or young.But I love him and he loves me,his kids likes me (see/talk to me on cam). He seemed to be a nice guy too.But i am scared of what will be my life there. THe place that i would be goin is a small town but i thought if i really love him that doesnt matter.Here, I am comfortable,secured but our marriage is not normal like any other couple.He is like workaholic and i guess that is normal for a Japanese.
Now, my bf is so depress,upset and hurt because he sees/feels that i am getting confuse.We were planning of marrying and here i am getting confuse. PLease help me .Please. I know i am like a bad person becuase of the things that ive been doin at the back of my husband.But i didnt plan for this to happen to my life.We bumped and fell in love like any other human beings.

I will be so thankful for any posters who could give me an adivse.

P.S. I am also scared of the long process of applying for a spouse visa for him to get me, he should sponsor me and we have to wait for process for me to get a spouse visa.During this period, i have to be back home where i am not financially stable.Remember my husband was the one who was supporting my love ones back home whenever i am not workin in Japan.I have a few savings but its not enough.im too scared cuz everybody depends on me.and i have to wait for my visa then go to a different/far country where ive never been and everything would be new to me.

Last edited by luvuforever; 12-18-2006 at 11:18 AM.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 11:50 AM   #4
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

"How dya know if you still love your husband?"

you don't love your husband...
and your husband deserves better...
__________________
rust never sleeps...

 
Old 12-18-2006, 12:07 PM   #5
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

I really do not want to sound harsh, but it sounds like you don't love your husband and that you are simply with him because he provides you with a good life.

It also sounds like you know very little about this guy you met on the internet. You hardly know this man, yet you say you are so in love with him. You know nothing about him except what he has told you and can you be sure he isn't lying to you? There is no way to really know some one you have only spent a few days with, and have basically only communicated with through cyber-space.

If you were so unhappy in your marriage, why did you not ask for a divorce from your husband before you met this other guy? Why stay with him for 8 years?

You asked if you are making a wise choice, and I have to say, "No" from what you have said, you are not making a wise choice. You are cheating on your husband who obviously loves you. You lied to him about wanting to go home, because you knew he would be understanding about it, and are now asking if this is ok?

It basically sounds like you already have this whole thing worked out. I feel bad for your husband, because it sounds like he is a wonderful man and he deserves a wife who is commited to him.

Be careful about just up and leaving your home to marry a man from another country because you really don't know what kind of situation you might be getting yourself into.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 01:46 PM   #6
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

Quote:
Originally Posted by luvuforever
He looks good,nice guy and he really likes/loves me a lot. I felt it.I do love/like him as well.
Oh yes, this relationship is really going to work out. It must, right? Especially since both of you "like/love" each other.

Please. Do your husband a favor and just leave already. He deserves somebody that loves him back.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 10:40 PM   #7
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

thankyou so much for all the people who made a respond. Now my bf from Canada is really telling me that he loves me andhe wants to marry me.He said he wants me so badly. But i am so confused if i should leave my husband who is responsible,good provider, and he didnt do anything bad to me. He is just not intimate like we he wont invite for sex and we dont have sex anymore.I remember it was always me who would invite him to do it.And a lot of times he would reject me cuz he is sleeping or he is tired from work.He is a very hardworking man too. He is not that sweet.I know he loves me a lot cuz hes trying so hard for me not to leave him.
And now i am pressured if I would leave him and jump with my bf,marry him and move to his country which ive never been and i know i would start from scratch.
I dont wanna dissapoint him but i dont wanna leave my husband just like that cuz he is askin for a chance.im so confused on what to do and im so scared cuz everybodys been advising me not to with my decision of divorcing my husband and marrying this new guy and jumping with him to his country.i met him through the internet chatroom and we fell for each other.Please help me.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 11:02 PM   #8
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

Your story sounds like one of my staff who was betrayed very badly.

Sometimes in life, we make decisions and in the beginning, everything seems to be rosy. Marriage is a vow between you, your spouse and God. Unless your husband is physically and emotionally abusing you, or into drugs and alcohol, what you'd done to him is unfair. Bringing another person into ANY marriage while that marriage is still in tact is downright unfair and cruel, no matter how badly it is. Sounds to me as if you're only with your husband for money and now you're jumping into this man's arms (without him being aware of it) for money as well as to go to another country, in a sense, illegally.

Whenever I am about to do something, I always think of karma... what goes around comes around.

I've been VERY lucky in life. I have earned my own money without having to go through men. I worked EXTREMELY hard for what I have and nobody can tell me why, when, where, how or what to do. I know I'm here in the USA and I do have more opportunities than most single mother coming from the ghetto, but Karma is universal.

I hope you reconsider and make things right with your husband. You owe him the truth. And you also owe the man in Canada the truth on why you want to be with him.

 
Old 12-18-2006, 11:35 PM   #9
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Question Whats the right or wise decision ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fabat40
. Sounds to me as if you're only with your husband for money and now you're jumping into this man's arms (without him being aware of it) for money as well as to go to another country, in a sense, illegally.


And you also owe the man in Canada the truth on why you want to be with him.

Ok Fabat 40, I want u to know that from the beginning of my relationship with my husband .I do loved him too. He has been supportive, and understands what i want even if sometimes im kinda thinkin only bout myself.I know i love him too and its not only because of financial stability or security. He cares bout my family back home too. I know that this I have more fault in this relationship than him but maybe he has his own mistakes too.He is not there for me with regards to being intimate.He is always working,he is tired and he never invites me for sex. But he say that he loves me and i know thathe does cuz i can see it from his action.the way he cares for me and my family back home.he always help me.

About my bf in canada, i love him too or i fell in love with him.And he is not that well income or i know that i wont be financially stable.He already told me that I have to work for us to have a more comfortable life and for me to be able to help my family back home cuz he already told me that it wouldreally affect our budget if i would get money and send it back home.He e told me that he cant send money back home.He said that if he would do that,it would be so tight. What im saying is that i wont go with him just bcuz of money. Its real attraction and love between the two of us. I know that if i would leave my husband ( I am confused if its the right thing to do though ) I would be throwing all the comfortable life i am havin here.With him,i dont need to work,if i wont work he gives me enough money to send for my parents,bro/sis back home (3rd world country attitude of helpin those ppl who are in need.they are not financially stable back home ). I know i still care for my husband cuz i know he is nice to me.Why would i be confused if he is nothin to me.But i know that our relationship isnt normal.We dont have sex and my friends told me that i should start being sweet again,nice again so that we would be havin something in bed.
I dont know i am so confused if jumping off with another guy and starting a new marriage life with him is good.He is head over heels in love with me.He wants me so badly as what he always say.He said everything would be ok once im there with him.He said we are compatible and that we are good for each other.PLease help,i need you to look on my post and advise me what to do best.

 
Old 12-19-2006, 04:32 AM   #10
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

It sounds like you only 'love' your husband for what he does for you, not for who he is. He deserves more than that. Do the guy a favour and leave him. Eventually he'll find a woman who will love him for the man that he is, not just his bank balance and generosity. He sounds like a great guy and a wonderful husband, you may not appreciate that, but another woman will snap him up straight away.

He won't be the loser when it comes down to it.

As for this other guy you 'love/like' (what does that even mean? You can't make a huge decision like this on a whim without even being sure of how you feel) well, frankly I think it's ridiculous. You can't possibly know the guy well enough to be in love with him. If you want to go over there and start a new life, it's your choice, but it's a huge risk. What if you arrive and he changes his mind? You won't have enough money to take care of yourself, or anywhere to stay. What if you do start a life together, and he ends up being abusive? What if he's lied to you about various things? He really may not even be close to the guy you think he is. All you know of him is what he's presented to you online, and I'm afraid that doesn't count for much in the real world.

 
Old 12-19-2006, 05:49 AM   #11
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

My husband is askin for a chance and that he is now planning to buy a house for us. He even made a research bout it and he showed it to me at the internet.A part of me wants to be with him and a part of me wants to go.

My bf is askin for my decision and I dont nkow what to say..I dont wanna hurt him .How will i tell him that i wanna give my husband another chance ? I think he deserves it.But my bf said that if i will give him chance that doesnt mean i am unhappy,he said if i will do that he wants to delete all of my pictures,memories we have and that he doesnt wanna talk to me again.no emailing,chatting on the cam,no calling. that is very hard and painful. i dont know what to say to him.

 
Old 12-19-2006, 06:08 AM   #12
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

Have you exhausted all possibilities at saving your marriage? You said you're in Japan, I think. Are there no marriage/sex therapists in your corner of the world that you and/or you and your husband could go to?

Your hubby is financially stable, doesn't abuse you, sends money off to your family, obviously cares very much for you. It sounds like the only thing that's lacking is passion. This could be attributable to so many fixable things.

I think rushing off to Canada to marry a guy you met online would be a HUGE mistake. There are just so many risks associated with that, including regret over leaving your country and your hubby if and when this BF proves to be someone other than his internet persona.

Just tell the BF you want to work on your marriage before you call it quits. He probably won't respect and understand those words, since he's choosing to have an affair with a married woman anyway, but, oh, well.

When you mentioned divorce to your hubby, did you tell him about the lack of passion?

 
Old 12-19-2006, 06:20 AM   #13
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

hey there,

i lived in japan for a year as an exchange student when i was 17. the one thing i noticed is that japanese men arent very intimate. in fact u dont see people kissing in the streets or anything, not the way it is in western countries like australia. even inside the home i didnt notice any kissing or anything. my last host family, the father liked to watch the tv and drink beer. alcohol is a big part of japanese culture. one of my other host families daughter slept in the room with her parents. maybe that was only because i was there and they wanted me to have a room of my own. im not sure tho. i think one important thing that needs to be done before marrying someone from another country is understanding their cultrue. to me, most japanese men arent intimate, so i think its more of a culture thing and its not your husband. i could be slightly wrong. i lived there for a year but im no expert. im only saying what i whitnessed. the japanese men are very hard working men and often work long hours so hes probably just tired. u just need to explain to him how u feel.

i dont think its a good idea to leave your country for some guy u dont really know. do u know anything about canada? have u done ur research? the western lifestyle is very different to the asian lifestyle. u might even experience culture shock and lonliness and im sure u will. i honestly dont think giving up your home and life for some random u dont really know and for some country u probably know little about is really worth it.

Last edited by shorti; 12-19-2006 at 06:22 AM.

 
Old 12-19-2006, 07:13 AM   #14
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

thankyou so much Stenolady, yes i mentioned the lack of passion between the two of us. I used to invite for sex everytime and sometimes he would be ok of doing it.But lots of times he would reject me cuz maybe he is tired from his work ( he owns a small company) ,or i would wake him up and ask for it and he is sleeping and he doesnt want to. I dont know.I told him bout it and he said he would change and he wants us to make a new start again.to buy a house and then a dog cuz i was askin for a dog. he knows how i love dogs too.
Now, i dont know why i dont feel like being intimate with him,its like im not yet ready.I dont know maybe its cuz i still have strong feelings for my bf.

Here is the message my bf sent me :

hey im not goin to bother you much cause really all im doin is stressin u
out . you already know how much i love you and what really more can i do .
think about yur life with me and think of yur life without me forget the rest
cause in the end all you 'll have is yurself , i'll accept yur answer , please
email me each day to tell me something , i love you so much and i need to at
the very least know yur thinking of me . so when u wanna see me then just tell
me i'll be here for you . im off on wed then thats it till im in *****. ok
baby i love you and yur here in my heart ( i'm goin to think about our first
hot kisses and try to fall asleep now ) night . im here for you .

And heres the other message :

i love you so much , i want 2 b with u at any cost i dont want my life
to b without u , i cant go back i have been with the most beautiful woman no 1
else could compare. see ya 2night(cam ) i hope . missing u till it hurts

 
Old 12-19-2006, 07:27 AM   #15
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Re: Confuse: How dya know if you still love your husband?

yes i made a research shorti. The town that i will be goin if i would move there is a very small town.Its like 11,000 people. Its on the north coast of canada and its really small. I also asked my bf and he told me everything about his town too.theres no big shopping malls or moviehouse etc etc... Im a city girl back in my own country and the country that im living right now is a city too.you can do whatever u want here,everything is so convenient.
He said that his town is a very good place for raising kids (but he cant give me cuz he had Vasectomy ) ,that its a safe place.beautiful environment,forest,rivers etc...

 
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