HeartbreakEven

I have become physically involved with someone for the first time in all my life. I've only been 'close' in that way with him for a three weeks at the most. We knew one another as friends for awhile and took it to a new level just a few nights ago. We both swore it wouldn't make things weird. I completely broke down last night though. I started thinking about all the walls I'd put around myself and how quickly he broke through and that scares me. Even now, sitting here typing this, I'm shaking and really want to just curl up and cry. I don't at all regret what we did. I loved every moment of it. And it's not him. It's me. It's my freaking out.

And it's not like I'm in love with him. It's not like I have these huge dreams about what we'll become. I'm not so disillusioned as that. And it's not that I don't want to do what we did again. I had fun. I enjoyed myself and I loved being that close to him. But I'm twenty one years old and I'm scared. I'm scared to death.

I can't stop thinking about all this. In two and a half weeks I've lost twelve pounds. I can't eat. I can't think. I can't do anything. I can't even talk about this without crying. I know I'm being irrational about all this, but I'm so scared. And he and I aren't even in a relationship. We're 'just friends'. We're just friends seeing where it's going. And he's a good guy. As a friend, I love him very much. And he loves me. We both don't want to get hurt. We both don't want to hurt anyone else.

And yet, I'm sitting here terrified and I don't know why. I had never so much as madeout with someone before him, and two days ago we did much more than that. And it happened so easily and we both talked about it before and after. And I was fine. Until I'm alone, and then I'm scared all over again.

Why why why? How can I stop being so scared? How can I stop being a freak about this situation? I know it's not possible to go back and take away everything that happened, and deep down I don't want that. But as miserable and sad as I was before him... I was at least safe. It was familar.

I know I have 'daddy issues'. I know that I've never known a good man. Before this boy, I considered myself more lesbian than straight. I never came out to my family with that, but my friends were a little suprised that I had fallen, so suddenly, to a boy. And there were moments when we were together that I thought... do I even like him? Do I even really like him? But I think I do. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore and I'm so scared.

What should I do? I don't know what to do anymore.