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Old 12-29-2006, 10:04 AM   #1
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Question Life altering choice, need advice

Hi folks,

Here is the short version of the painful story.

My girlfriend broke up with me in September, we had been going out for 8 months and I became very close to her and her family. After we broke up things got really ugly because we would say hurtful things to each other. Eventually I got a call from her sister saying to "leave her alone or else". Since she was the one that would call me I found it odd that her sister would tell me to leave her alone. I came to the conclusion that my ex had been lying to her family and painted anegative picture of me so I changed all of my phone numbers except my work cell phone. A week after that phone call my ex started calling me ALOT, upward of 10 times a day, Finally I answered and we ended up hanging out again. When her sister found out she told my ex that "this needs to stop, or else". Once again I stopped answering the phone calls for about a month. Last week my ex emailed me telling me that her mom had become very ill and when she called I spoke to her because I thought it was the right thing to do.

Well we ended up "hooking up" this past Tuesday. Because of the thing with her sister I don't want to get involved again because I fear the consequences. I expressed this to my ex who seems to think I am making a big deal out of nothing. She wanted to come over to my house tonight but I told her that it is not a good thing to do because I don't want to build false hope for both of us. I told her that if her sister was to call me and talk to me and assure me that she could accept me we might be able to work things out, but as I expected she said that was not going to happen. Instead she accuses me of having another girl in my life and believes that is the real reason for me not wanting to sleep with her.

She says she is moving to another state in February and wants to make some nice memories before she goes. What do I do? I love her so much and wish things could be different but I don't know if they can. I don't know if I am doing the right thing? I know I can't sleep with her and seperate my feelings for her so that is something I need to stay away from.

Please give me your advice.

 
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Old 12-29-2006, 10:22 AM   #2
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Life altering choice, need advice

"She wanted to come over to my house tonight but I told her that it is not a good thing to do because I don't want to build false hope for both of us. I told her that if her sister was to call me and talk to me and assure me that she could accept me we might be able to work things out, but as I expected she said that was not going to happen. Instead she accuses me of having another girl in my life and believes that is the real reason for me not wanting to sleep with her."

In my opinion she is really trying to control the situation. She is free to go on about her life and call you when she needs you. Then, if you don't run to her she gets all upset and accusing. Why let her have her cake and eat it too?

You broke up for a reason, although I obviously don't know what that is. I'm sure you do still care for her very deeply. But if she had any other intentions with you aside from a "booty call" she would tell her sister to butt out of her business with you rather than blaming you for having another girl (which your not together anyway so she shouldn't care).

You said she is moving in 2 months which means you will probably not have anymore contact with her after that. Why not make it easy on yourself and just stop dealing with her all together. She is only going to keep pitching a fit when she doesn't get her way and make you out to be the bad guy to her family in the process. Don't you think you deserve better?

Make a New Year's resolution not to answer anymore calls from her or her family. Move on (I know easier said than done) and find a girl who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 
Old 12-29-2006, 10:45 AM   #3
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hagios HB User
Re: Life altering choice, need advice

Hello, SGB.

A lot of times when people do what your ex has done it is 'cuz they feel bad about it and want affirmation that their behavior is acceptable. She's been lying about you to them and trying way too hard to make unwanted contact with you, so she has reason to feel bad about what she did. She probably knows she hurt you and wants to make you feel better, but rather than admitting to being wrong about it, she will just try to justify it instead. This seems especially true if she wants to make some good memories before moving.

I still find it odd that her sister would call you if you're not the one who's been making contact. And, based on what you've told us, it seems a bit ridiculous that she would accuse you of having another girl (which you're allowed to anyway since the two of you are not together). There seems to be a lot of insecurities in the way. Things like these need to be dealt with first before she can pursue a meaningful relationship with you or anybody else.

Last edited by hagios; 12-29-2006 at 10:46 AM.

 
Old 12-29-2006, 02:52 PM   #4
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Re: Life altering choice, need advice

Making "some nice memories," doesn't always work that way. Nice for everyone--or nice for her and heartbreaking for those she leaves behind?

It's a complicated situation but maybe her going away will clarify things and they can be worked out later on or the both of you just move on. Is so hard to love someone and it's all a mess--have been there. I wish you the best, sounds like you really tried with your gf.

 
Old 01-01-2007, 01:44 PM   #5
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Re: Life altering choice, need advice

I spoke with her for hours on Saturday morning. I told her that in order for us to try and work things out I would need to know that her family was okay with us seeing each other. I feel that way because of the threats made to me by her sister. But we had issues before we broke up. I have issues with her need to be spoiled by me. I am not a rich guy and can't afford to just go out and buy a Coach bag because she wants another one.

I told her that I want to be left alone right now... she reacted by cursing at me and telling me how messed up I was being, etc. After she hung up on me she tried to call me four more times but I didn't answer. She's being really selfish right now and I can't take it.

 
Old 01-02-2007, 09:15 AM   #6
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Re: Life altering choice, need advice

I am so afraid that I am making the wrong choice by not taking her back. I still love her and care about her... and when we spend time together I feel so good.

 
Old 01-02-2007, 09:30 AM   #7
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Re: Life altering choice, need advice

Hello again, SGB.

Perhaps it is meant to be, perhaps not. But one thing we do know is that as of right now, things are not right. There are issues that the two of you need to work through before continuing much of a relationship. Maybe the two of you are s'poseda wind up together in the long run, maybe you'll both be single, maybe somewhere in the middle. But it seems as if the way she is right now is not very conducive to a relationship with anyone. Give her some time to cool down. You could use this time as well to decide what you really want. Break-ups are hard to deal with, especially when you care so deeply about the other person. But what you have described will not sustain a relationship unless there is also a mutual desire to work things out and put each other's needs above your own. Give her and her sister some time to grow up (which may take a while). I wouldn't recommend taking her back, certainly not at this point. But things can change. There are a lot of great women out there who don't have such things holding them back. I wouldn't want to see you miss out on a better relationship because you're fighting a losing battle.

Last edited by hagios; 01-02-2007 at 09:32 AM.

 
Old 01-02-2007, 09:37 AM   #8
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Re: Life altering choice, need advice

Thanks hagios.

She is 23, and her sister is 35. I am 30. I told her that before we could even think about working things out her family would have to "approve" of us dating. More importantly I feel that her sister owes me an apology for calling me and cursing me out on the phone and making various threats. Without that I think I would have a hard time forgiving her.

 
Old 01-02-2007, 10:48 AM   #9
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Re: Life altering choice, need advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by SGB556
Thanks hagios.

She is 23, and her sister is 35. I am 30. I told her that before we could even think about working things out her family would have to "approve" of us dating. More importantly I feel that her sister owes me an apology for calling me and cursing me out on the phone and making various threats. Without that I think I would have a hard time forgiving her.
Am I understanding you correctly that the one who called you up cursing you out and junk is 35????????? See, when you were telling us about this, I envisioned her to be about half that age, maybe less. No matter where your relationship goes, she still owes you an apology.

 
Old 01-02-2007, 11:07 AM   #10
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Re: Life altering choice, need advice

Yes she is 35.

My ex is the youngest of four. She has an older brother (28) and two older sisters (35 & 37).

Apparently, my ex had been complaining to her sister so much that she took it upon herself to call me on the phone.

The first phone call was something to the effect of "you're crazy, who do you think you are? etc"

The second phone call was the "leave my sister alone or else, blah , blah , blah". This is when I changed all of my numbers except my work cell phone.

Who knows what my ex said to them, she claims she just went to them for advice, but what ever she said it must have been bad for her sister to feel like she could call me. I'm 30 years old and don't need someone's sister calling me with B.S. . I guess if I ended up marrying my ex I would have to put up with her sister as well.

 
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