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Old 12-30-2006, 06:21 AM   #1
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Question broke up- is it rite? do i noe what i want?

Hi,

Me and my g/f have broken up, it's been 3 weeks now and we are just really good friends. Our friends eevn know that we broke up. The complication is that i can see that she still loves me, and before the reason for us breaking up was because of the intimacy and sex. Also that i couldn't imagine a future and that rather 'lose' 2.5 years than 10years! Well, we had these last 2 nites, yes, we even made it clear that no strings attached scenario and that we're just doing it for 'fun'. But now the sex is getting better, and she is really trying hard! Ido notice a marked difference and she still asks me why we broke up. I am not cheating or anything but honestly, i do enjoy our closeness more even though we are friends, and that i still can't see a future with her and I. I just feel so very confused and that i think that this i could be missing out big time if i pass this relo on. We get along really well, and even though this si the first real relo for each of us, then i even think that is teh reason why i want to end it.. i just don't know!

I think that i know what i want (sort of) and i want to go out there and not feel constrained witha g/f. It's like i don't want to be in this b/f g/f relo but i can't put my finger on it, and before it was the intimacy/ sex but now i\that it is getting better i still feel as though i don't want it. so is this unusual? to feel like not being in adn not knowing why... to have a good thing in front of you but wanting to see if ther is more out there?

What should i do? am i really a confused guy who has no idea about what he has? hopw should i explain to her what is above? I am really confused!

thank you

 
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Old 12-30-2006, 06:54 AM   #2
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happymom28 HB User
Re: broke up- is it rite? do i noe what i want?

So if I understand correctly you are broken up but you are still having sex? You still care about her but you do not see a future with her? And with all of this going on she is asking why you are broken up? (Sorry, I just want to make sure I have the story right)

I think you are unintentionally leading her on. You make it pretty clear that you do not want to be her boyfriend. You want to be able to do as you please without being tied down with a girlfriend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, she doesn't see it that way. She is trying to please and impress you in hopes of winning you back. This is why she keeps asking you why you broke up. She is thinking that if she fixes the sex issue then you will be back together.

Sex with no strings only works if both people feel the same way. It's pretty clear to me that you have two different agendas. If you really do not see a future with her then you need to be honest with her and let her find a guy who wants the same as her. This could ruin the friendship you have, but it is the right thing to do. I'm sure if you were in her position you would rather know the truth then have a false hope of a relationship.

Anyway, that's just my opinion. Do with it what you want.

 
Old 12-30-2006, 02:39 PM   #3
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Re: broke up- is it rite? do i noe what i want?

I don't think there's any unintentional about it, you are leading her on and using her and you know it, you just dont' seem to care. You know you don't love her enough to see a future with her, you want to see what else is out there, and you know she wants you back, that she's sleeping with you in the hopes of getting you back and getting the realtionship to where is was before. You know this will never be and yet you keep taking the sex. How do you think she will feel when you finally do meet someone else that you want to date and have sex with and that you can see a future with? Unfortunately this poor girl has never read He's Just Not That Into You. If she had, she wouldn't be putting her heart on the chopping block like she is. You want to move on, so be fair to her and move on. You say you care for her, you say you respect her, then prove it by not using her like a piece of meat for convenient sex anymore. Every time you have sex with her you are making the scar on her heart that this relationship will leave deeper.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 12-31-2006 at 03:11 PM.

 
Old 01-01-2007, 08:32 AM   #4
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Question Re: broke up- is it rite? do i noe what i want?

hi,

I feel really horrible about myself. I firstly, am not using her like meat and that I am not just using her for my own pleasures! I am aware that this is a very sensitive area and that whether we will be friends/ couple or anything else depends on how we tackle this. Thirdly, I am not insensitive since I do care about her and will still be there for her, but not as a b/f, rather as a shoulder to cry on, a friend to help get through those tough moments and even someone she can rely on. No lies, all truth!

I feel bad because I believe that now I know what I want, the type of girl I would like to have a future with and my ex does not possess some of these traits however, I have faith that I can get someone else who is better for me. I was maybe hoping that if I could be single then I could concentrate on what I really want from life, where I want to go and possibly meet someone (not for sex or a fling- but for a true relo), and then decide what really works for me. How can I tell if my ex is the one if this is my first deep relo? just How!?

The intimacy was a serious issue, but now it's getting a bit better- and I promised myself and to her that we won't complicate things by having any more sexual activities.

Am I cruel by wanting a break-up because I want to work things out within and to find direction in my life? to see what's out there so that I can decide whether I will be making the right decision say in 5 years time in the altar when exchanging vows? wanting to keep a friendship and having no complications when she clearly still loves me? I just don't want to let her disappear from my life because we are so good together however, as a couple I am still undecided... i am still unsure of whether this is right/ best thing for us/me/each of us ... I am not sure what to do from here: I feel that I have brought a lot of pain and that i want to do the right thing not just out of sympathy!

please, i would really appreciate your view and experience on this...

 
Old 01-01-2007, 11:25 AM   #5
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Re: broke up- is it rite? do i noe what i want?

Deejay, I'm glad you both decided to stop the sexual activity. Stand firm on that, no more sex with her.

I can see you're really struggling with this, and I think that shows that you really do want to do the right thing, and I commend you for that. No, you're not cruel for wanting to see what else is out there, or for not being sure she's the one you will want to spend your life with. That's not cruel at all. It was insensitive of you to continue to have sex with her knowing you're not happy with her completely AND knowing she's having sex with you hoping to get you back, knowing you don't want to go back, at least not right now. That actually is what we call "using" someone, when you have different agendas, and you know the person loves you more than you love them, wants more out of the relationship than you do, and is having sex with you hoping to get more out of that relation when you know it just ain't gonna happen, but you take the sex anyway. But I commend you and give you a LOT of credit for deciding to stop the sexual part of the relationship. That shows a lot of character and strength.

You may be able to stay friends, but you may not. I'm afraid that's the risk we all take when we care about someone but they are not the one we can see a future with. You are young and free, and you have every right to go date around and see what else is out there and see if there's someone who is better suited to you than she is. In fact, it's what you SHOULD do at your age, especially if you have such doubts about the one you'r with now. However, she also has the right to move on as well. She has the right to feel hurt, to be disappointed that you didn't love her back the same way she loves you, and she has the right to get over you without feeling obligated to remain friends, and having to see you date other women. That could be very painful for her, and she may not be able to do it, and you shouldn't make her feel like she has to. And while you're searching for your soul mate, she has the right to search for hers as well, and if you don't find the one you're looking for and decide that she will do after all, she may have moved on and found someone else. And that's ok, that's just the way it works. The hardest part about maturing and having adult romantic relationships is having to realize and accept that we can't always have our cake and eat it, too. Sometimes we break up with someone and live to regret it, and they become "the one that got away," and we live our whole lives never finding anyone we love as much as we loved that person and regret having left them, and sometimes we break up with someone and it's painful and messy for a while, but it turns out to be the best thing we ever did and we go on to fall more deeply in love than we ever imagined, with someone else that we never would have found if we hadn't had the courage the leave the person we knew in our heart wasn't completely right for us. It's a crap shoot to a large degree, and we just have to use our hearts and our heads and make the best decision based on the best information we have at the time, and hope it turns out ok. When we're dealing with anothe person's free will, they may not always be who we want them to be, they may not always stick around "just in case" we decide we want them back like we would want them to, they may not love us back the way we want them to. It's never easy. And sometimes staying friends works, and sometimes it doesn't. It's sad when it doesn't, but it's just not always possible, or even desirable or beneficial. I think the most important thing to do in your conduct with other people and in forming and maintaining relationships is honesty. Just treat the women you date with honesty and respect. Put yourself in their shoes and treat them the way you would want to be treated, you know, the old golden rule, do unto others...it's a good one to remember, in all your relationships, work, friendships, neighbors, as well as romantic relationships.

You may have to deal with her just being hurt and being mad at you for a while. I know that's uncomfortable, but as long as you were honest and respectful to her, that's the best you can do. You're not doing her any favors by making her think you love her and want to be with her more than you really do just to avoid hurting her or making her mad. She deserves the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be to get through. My heart was broken many years ago by a aman I loved very much, but who left me, and it wasn't his leaving that hurt me. It was the fact that he lied to me about how much he cared, and he lied about why he left me. The dishonesty, the knowing he didn't think enough of me to be honest and forthright with me, is what still hurts the most.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-01-2007 at 11:38 AM.

 
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