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Getting Over Her Past...

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Old 12-30-2006, 11:30 AM   #1
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Question Getting Over Her Past...

OK, heres the deal. I'm a 28 year old male and I've been dating a 20 year old for a while now, actually were in a serious relationship and live together. I love her VERY MUCH, as a matter of fact I will be proposing this month. Now heres my problem, I had heard some rumors about her being promiscous in the past, well when I discussed it with her she told me that after losing her Virginity when she was just about to turn 18 and up until the time when we hooked up which was only 2 months after she turned 20, She had slept with 21 guys, not only that but she said that she has NEVER cheated and after I factored in her 3 other relationships that she had during those 2 short years and deducted 1 person for each relationship and the length of time I came up with 18 guys in 7 months. Now, we spend alot of time together and work the same shift so There is little chance that she's cheating on me. I also understand that her "Past" is just that her "Past" However, it wasn't all that long ago that she was like "This" I am having a very hard time coping with this. I am a naturally suspisious man, having been cheated on every time that I have EVER been in love. I thought that I had finnally found the ONE. I just don't know what to do to get these thoughts out of my head, I want to marry her and I love her with all my heart. She is wonderful, and from what I can tell pretty honest. There was one lie that she kept from me though, It was only 3 days after we started talking, well I slept with her on the 1st date, the next 3 days we spent every available minute together and both of us had told each other how much we really liked one another, we had also told each other that there were no one else and wouldn't be. Well that night she wen't up north to visit an old friend (Or so she said) Fast forward 2 months, we now live together , tell each other that we love one another, I find out that she went up north and on that night she met some guy that she didn't even know and slept with him, after I confronted her, she said that she kissed him so I looked her in the eye and said "I will find out EVERYTHING are you sure you didn't sleep with him?" and she finally said yes, but only after I got it out of her. I have had a very hard time with this as well, now she raised a good point when she said it was only 4 days after we met, but still we had both made an agreement that we were only with one another. I can't help but feel cheated on. (what do you think??) So, anyway my problem is this. I love her more than life itself, I really do. I unfortunatly have a hard time dealing with her promiscous past (It wasn't so far in the past) Now, I have no reason but to believe that she has 100% faithful this far, but I can't help feeling paranoid, however I realize that everytime I question her I am pushing her further and further away. Please give me your opinions and if at all possible help me help myself so I don't hurt her or get hurt myself. I will answer any questions you may have if it helps you get a full understanding so you can give me accurate help. I will try to be as non-biased as possible to make it easier for you to put it into prospective. Thanx in Advance, Luke

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Old 12-30-2006, 12:03 PM   #2
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

My only thought is that she is awfully young. Are you sure you want to jump into marrying her right now? She's only 20 years old, to me that is very young to be getting married, but that is just me. You have plenty of time for that. Right now, couldn't you just give your relationship a little time, it seems like things went very fast for the two of you. You should enjoy each other and learn more about one another, but that is just my opinion.

As for the permiscuous thing I can't really relate, but I did have a friend in high school who was like this. She would jump into "bed" (more than likely a car) with someone without much of a introduction. How was your girlfriend brought up? Is she looking for attention? That is how my friend was, her parents were much older, her mother was in her 40s when she got the surprise and her father was in his 50s, not that there is anything at all wrong with that, but they had already had 3 other children who were practically grown. She only really grew up with one of her brother's and he left the house when she was about 13. Anyway, her parents didn't pay much attention to her and basically let her do anything she wanted, so there was no protectiveness there and I think that she longed for and needed some boundaries. My father was the exact opposite and pretty overprotective.

What I'm trying to get at is maybe your girlfriend has some issues that she needs to work out. There must be some reason why she felt the need to just jump into sex with just anyone. What do you think it was?

Old 12-30-2006, 12:41 PM   #3
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

I agree that you both are very very young and there's no reason to rush into marriage, especially if you feel you can't trust her. I don't blame you for feeling cheated on. Yes it had only been four days, but you had already had sex and had already agreed to be exclusive, and she broke that agreement she made with you and lied to you about it. I don't really blame you for not trusting her. She doesn't sound very trustworthy. And she doesn't seem to give much reverence or respect or honor to the act of making love. Over 20 men in two short years? Sounds like she doesn't have a problem with doing it with pretty much anyone. I'd suggest continuing living together for another year or two until she can look you in the eye and say with all honesty that she will never sleep with another man, will always forsake all others, and you can believe her completely with no reservation or hesitation.

Old 12-30-2006, 02:05 PM   #4
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

She has demonstrated with you and about 18 other guys that she very much is drawn to having sex with almost anyone. You cannot make a plausible argument that you are being very selective or discriminating if you can do 18 guys in 7 months.

However, the biggest issue for you right now is that she was in fact dishonest and betrayed a trust you both shared. If you describe it accurately, then there is no question that her drive to sleep with guys was stronger than her interest in staying true to her word to you.

Unlike the previous advise, I would suggest you not live together. This only reinforces confusion and game playing. I suggest you live alone and give her an opportunity to prove that she has a level of character in her that she has not shown before. I think she should demonstrate this while you observe her in a dating situation, not a live in situation. Why would you want to live with someone that has no problem with acting dishonesty and without concern for you and your feelings (and potentially your health).

With people that demonstrate damaging character traits, such as dishonesty and deceit, what you see is what you get and pretending that their spots will change is most often betting on a losing proposition. See the red flags and run from them.

Old 01-01-2007, 04:23 PM   #5
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

I think you're perfectly entitled to feel lied to, since she told you you'd be the only one, then went out directly and slept with someone else. Deceived, yes; but cheated on? I dont know. I really feel it was a bit premature to be making those type of promises, to say the least; I mean, after four days - come on!

One thing I will say in your girls favour: anyone who thinks 18 guys is 7 months is excessive really is living in the dark ages. It's certainly not a number I've ever clocked up (or anything close to it!) in such a short space of time, but I know girls who get with a different man every saterday night. Do the maths, that works out at 28 men in 7 months, and that's for the women who dont go out fridays!

To my mind, you have a right to have an issue with anything (to one degree or other) that's happened since you've met, but you certainly DO NOT have a right to hold her past against her. If you do, you'll find your relationship is worth nothing, and it'll be you who worked things that way.

Old 01-02-2007, 02:10 AM   #6
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

Originally Posted by Laylah
One thing I will say in your girls favour: anyone who thinks 18 guys is 7 months is excessive really is living in the dark ages. It's certainly not a number I've ever clocked up (or anything close to it!) in such a short space of time, but I know girls who get with a different man every saterday night. Do the maths, that works out at 28 men in 7 months, and that's for the women who dont go out fridays!.
The context of the comment was that it would be difficult to make a plausible argument that one is highly selective and discriminating if one has sex regularly with barely known partners. One is certainly free to choose this lifestyle, but others are free to assess the risks of entering into a serious relationship with a sexually undiscriminating person.

Our behaviors usually do not exist in a vacuum.

Old 01-02-2007, 05:18 AM   #7
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

Bottom line: She's too young and you have trust issues. Anyone that would spend that much time on the math calculation of how many guys she slept with and when, needs to work on trust.
There is plenty of time for marriage. Why rush into it?

Old 01-02-2007, 08:10 AM   #8
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

Hello, lukenmandie...

I will echo the other posters in saying that you have every right to feel that she cheated on you. The two of you agreed to remain exclusive. She broke the covenant. That equals cheating. Even if it were only four days you had been seeing each other, that's still no excuse. What's gonna happen four days after you're married? Is she gonna have second thoughts about that too?

You're considerably older than she is. You may be ready for marriage, but we don't know that she is ready. Most 20-year-olds aren't ready, regardless of how old their partner is. This seems particularly true of her 'cuz she has had issues in the past. Don't get me wrong. I would never suggest that someone can't turn back from their old ways. She definitely could change. One of my best friends is a great example of that. But your gf violated her trust with you and that is wrong.

In retrospect, I don't think it's her past that you're struggling with in and of itself, but it's what she's doing now. Given her track record, this is a valid concern. This, by the way, is only right since it's usually best to live in the present, with knowledge of the past.

On a somewhat separate note, I would also be concerned about STD's. With that kind of a past, there is a good chance that she's contracted something.

Old 01-02-2007, 09:31 AM   #9
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

Hope I don't offend you but your girl has slept with a hell of a lot of dudes. If I were in your shoes I'd be more concerned with STDs than trying to "work things out". If she has slept with that many guys then it would seem to me that she has little self respect, which means she could not have and respect for you or your relationship, which means that eventually she will cheat on you.

Old 01-02-2007, 10:48 AM   #10
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

I will just keep echoing what everyone else has said, you are both too young!!!!!

You haven't even really been together that long and there are huge trust issues. You can't marry someone and not trust them.

Her past is her past. Maybe she is more experienced than other girls her age, but this all happened BEFORE you. Any other girl you may be with in the future will have a past as well. You are going to have to learn to accept what you can't change. If you don't like or can't accept it then don't be with her, plain and simple.

Either way, marriage is a serious committment. If you think she "cheated" 4 days into your relationship then I'm sure 4 years into it you will feel that something is up again. Spend some time getting more life experience before you pledge your life to someone you can't even trust.

That's just my opinion!

Old 01-02-2007, 11:02 AM   #11
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

As I have read all of these posts, I guess I will play devil's advocate. There was a time I was much like this girl. That doesn't mean I'm a bad person, and that doesn't mean that I didn't protect myself either! Everyone does different things for different reasons. And if it changes the way you feel about her, then you shouldn't be together. My boyfriend knows about my past and he loves me regardless. I dont talk about it, and I dont ask him about his. The only thing we did discuss was getting tested, and we did it together, and both with a clean bill of health. I just think its unfair for labels to be put on women and not men. How many people have you been with? Have you always been honest?? Get over the past and move on, or let her go.

As far as the cheating is concerned.... it was 4!!!! days after you met! Even if you said it was exclusive, how well do you really know that person?? If you have moved on since then, I say keep going, no point in letting her past spoil your future!!!

Old 01-02-2007, 01:39 PM   #12
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

Maybe your gal was just looking for love with all of these guys but ended up being pushed to the side instead because she kept getting involved with players. Women tend to get easily attached to their sex partners. Take for instance last weekend. I was hanging at my favorite watering hole and was just starting to run my game to this smokin' hot bad boy across the bar. I was then rather rudely interrupted by this lady who came up to me and informed me not to get involved with this guy because he would only use me and lose me, so to speak. I was a little dumbfounded, because it was rather obvious just looking at this guy that he wasn't going to be sending you any love poems the next day. But some women tend to be kind of dense when it comes to stuff like that. They think just because a guy is sleeping with them it means he is in love with them, so there is quite a bit of communication gap going on there.

All I'm saying is, maybe your girlfriend isn't necessarily this big skank who will open her legs for just anybody. Maybe she thought these guys would love her if she slept with them and then kept turning out to be wrong. And now she's found you, and finally did it right. Who knows. BUT even if it was the case that she just, gasp, LIKES sex - so? It feels good. And there are a lot of hot guys out there. Can't blame a sister for trying. I've run into so many guys who separate sex and love that as a woman you almost have to be able to do that too, to protect yourself.

I agree with the chorus however that 20 is way too young to be married. Give yourselves some more time to see how things develop
The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~

Old 01-05-2007, 08:01 AM   #13
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Re: Getting Over Her Past...

bump.................................... ...................................

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