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Old 01-14-2007, 11:42 PM   #1
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Is my guy normal or cheap?

He "jokingly" complains about one day having to pay for an engagement ring, because in the country he comes from, they don't give out engagement rings (apparently they only do wedding bands.) More than once he has "jokingly" complained about this.

I should note that I plan to pay for the wedding (I predict my parents will offer me $500-$1000 and the rest is up to me) and half the honeymoon. I do not expect him to pay toward the wedding or my half the honeymoon. (We are not engaged yet but talking about it. I'm thinking ahead....)

Another issue, we pretty much take turns paying when we go out, but more often than not, when he pays for the meal, he asks me to leave the tip. I never ask him to pay the tip when I pay for the meal. He is from Europe where they tip only about 10% or less (restarants there actually pay their employees.) I was shocked one night when he and his friend left NO tip at a restaurant where you order at the cash register, but they do bring you your food and clear your table.

Finally, I can't think of the last time he really splurged on me... offering to pay for a movie and dinner. We tend to split these things or else I offer to pay. I know nowadays, couples tend to split things, but it would be so nice to be completely spoiled for a night.... and not to have to ask for it but for him to offer. However, I wonder if I am being greedy in wanting this.
He is a grad student. I earn more than he does at this point, because I work 45-50 hours/week and am not in school. To be completely honest, I earn almost twice as much (but am trying to save, because if we get married and move to Europe I think finding work in a foreign country will be really difficult.)

Why do I care about this stuff? Am I being greedy? Please be honest with me.

By the way, my last boyfriend was the biggest cheapskate to walk to the face of the planet (wouldn't even buy me a birthday gift and ignored the utility bill until I paid it, etc.) so I'm a little sensitive about this issue....

PS: We do not yet live together. His rent is higher than mine, because I have roommates.
I am glad he is financially responsible.....

Last edited by plasva; 01-14-2007 at 11:52 PM.

 
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Old 01-15-2007, 06:50 AM   #2
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

he's cheap and if you marry him you will no-doubt end up resenting him for it. Why would you plan to pay for your own wedding or honeymoon.....are you planning to pay for your own engagement ring too like Britny Spears did?
I'd cut my losses now with this guy, if I were you. It's not going to get any better.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 07:01 AM   #3
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

Cheap. The things women put up with to keep a man around, I swear.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 07:27 AM   #4
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

My parakeet has something he wants to tell you: CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP!!!!!

I'm not sure but I think he's trying to tell you something...

 
Old 01-15-2007, 08:15 AM   #5
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

I think he's being cheap too - if he loves you that much he would want to buy you the earth! You certainly shouldn't be paying for your own engagement ring or wedding - are you sure he really wants to marry you?

Just one thing I will say in his defence though is the tipping in restaurants issue. Here in the UK we do only tip around 10% if you think you had good service - because as you said waiting staff are paid and this is an extra reward for doing a good job (similarly we tip a hairdresser or a taxi driver on top if they've done a good job, but they do get paid a decent wage too).

If you are staying in a hotel in the UK, where all of your meals go onto your room bill - it wouldn't even occur to most people to add a tip. It's not because we're tight - it's just not our culture.

I had a really embarrasing situation when staying in Pitsburgh a few years ago. I'd arrived late at the hotel exhausted and hungry (and 5 hours behind UK time). I nipped to the bar and ordered a sandwich to eat before going to bed and signed the receipt (thinking that this was so it could be added to my room bill). As I was leaving the waiter came up and grabbed me and asked if there was a problem with my sandwich, because I hadn't added a tip and demanded that I did so before I could leave.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 08:22 AM   #6
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

He doesn't have to buy engagement ring, not everybody have it here or may be he doesn't have to get expensive one. Him complaining about it when one day he is going to have a better job after grad school seems cheap.
I also came from country where nobody gives tip so I am not always giving or don't give much it is not something I have used to do, especially if bill is high anyway at the same time him asking you to leave tip seems cheap.
Overall I wouldn't suggest you to have future with him. Kids are huge expenses so does buying food, you will be miserable if he will check you receipts and nag you about paying too much.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 10:10 AM   #7
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

So are some of you suggesting it's up to the man to pay for the engagement ring, entire wedding, and entire honeymoon??

I don't think that he would ever check my receipts and tell me I paid too much for something, but I do think asking me to leave a tip at restaurants when he pays is lame. Next time, I will tell him as much!

I do think he worries about money, and my experience with men who worry about money is, they let you know it. My father was the same way while we were growing up, but I know it's not "normal."

 
Old 01-15-2007, 10:13 AM   #8
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

the man should definatly buy the engagement ring

you should split the cost of the other stuff

 
Old 01-15-2007, 10:34 AM   #9
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

He does come off as being a bit cheap.. BUT.. as a recent graduate, money is always tight. I tease myself about being a penny-pincher.. but i really do have to be money-causious.

My boyfriend and I always rotate who pays the bill. We're both in the same boat money-wise. He recently got a job where he is making more than me, but we still either pay dutch or rotate paying. (His loans haven't started to come in yet like mine have, so I know that he will soon have to be more careful with his spending)

It's a touchy situation.

I don't believe you are being greedy. It's nice to be pampered from time to time. It's not that you expect it, it would just be.. nice!

Call him out though on that tipping waitresses thing though! It sucks getting forgeiners to wait on.. you ALWAYS get jipped, even though you KNOW they know by now that servers get BELOW minimum wage!!! GRR! (sorry, had to release a little built up rage!)

As a couple, sharing the finances comes along with the gig. Just make sure he is paying his part. Maybe tell him that it worries or makes you feel bad that he always "jokes" about buying an engagement ring. Saddly money is a necessity these days.. but it can always be worked out. Tell him you don't expect him to shower you with gifts all the time, but to be a gentleman from time to time!!

Address the problem now. If you do end up married one day, you don't want to get stuck with broken appliances or a crappy house or worse just because he didn't want to spend a few extra dollars.

I am a firm believer that a couple should live together for at least a year before getting married. You will learn so much more about a person just by living with them. I advize that, when you can.. get a place together. Then you'll see how he'd handle bills and what not with you.

Good luck.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 10:35 AM   #10
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

Quote:
Originally Posted by plasmodiumovale View Post
So are some of you suggesting it's up to the man to pay for the engagement ring, entire wedding, and entire honeymoon??
He should pay for something. I've never dated a man who expected me to pay for dinner or split the cost every time we went out. Even men I've dated who have less money than I do usually pay. I'll insist on paying or at least splitting bills occasionally, but generally the man pays. Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that's the way it should be. I definitely wouldn't want to marry a man that balks about buying an engagement ring. I don't know about the entire wedding and honeymoon, but the engagement ring is definitely the man's deal. I guess I should be glad that women are willing to be with men like this because it takes them out of the dating pool!

 
Old 01-15-2007, 10:42 AM   #11
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

I've NEVER heard of the woman buying her own engagement ring. That's just asinine. What's the point? It sets the stage for the guy to get away with being a cheapskate for the remainder of the relationship.

It's the MAN'S responsibility to buy the engagement ring, end of story. If he doesn't like that, then I guess he doesn't deseve to be married at all.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 12:37 PM   #12
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
I've NEVER heard of the woman buying her own engagement ring. That's just asinine. What's the point? It sets the stage for the guy to get away with being a cheapskate for the remainder of the relationship.

It's the MAN'S responsibility to buy the engagement ring, end of story. If he doesn't like that, then I guess he doesn't deseve to be married at all.

EXACTLY......who is this guy...

Last edited by Administrator; 07-22-2011 at 09:12 PM.

 
Old 01-27-2007, 07:17 PM   #13
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

I was reading this post and I had to comment. I know so many women who let the guy get away with being cheap. Before I started living with my boyfriend we took turns paying. Now it's kind of who has the money at the time, but we are splitting utilites and rent. However I have many friends that let their significant others who will mooch off of them. One friend bought her boyfriend video games, cell phones, and paid bills in order to keep him around. Another friend would pay for anything while the guy never paid. One time he even offered to take her out to dinner, and then when the check came he told her he forgot to get cash and could she pay for dinner. She did! When he does pay for things he makes sure she knows how much it cost him. So I guess your guy is normal for guys these days. I am not saying guys have to pay for everything, it would be nice if they pay for some and women pay some.

 
Old 01-27-2007, 10:27 PM   #14
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

I don't think who pays for dinner is such a big deal, especially if he does try.. it's not like he expects you to pay EVERYTIME, you know? Some men, particularly if they earn significantly less than their partner, become a bit like this and start to watch their money. Put it this way, if you were earning much less and had higher bills, perhaps you would also be the same and watch the expenses.

If he is currently earning less, how else is he going to save up for engagement ring, wedding, honeymoon etc, if not for watching money? Sometimes, when you love someone you have to give a little more than you'd like. However in saying that, he REALLY shouldn't 'complain' about having to buy you an engagement ring. It's the one thing a man should be fully responsible for, and seeing it has such significant meaning, we don't like to hear it being belittled. Perhaps if he brings this up next time, explain that it's not really appropriate as along with the ring there is a special meaning etc, and the more he complains and cheapens it, the less special meaning it will have.

Perhaps he is afraid he will not meet your expectations (with the ring) because he earns so much less and is testing your reaction? Or maybe because the 'ring' doesn't have much significance where he comes from he does not want to overly spend on it? I don't know, I'm just thinking of reasons that he would complain about the ring...

I guess the reason I am attempting to defend him, is that my OH was and is exactly the same. But I was always making more money and had less debts and bills, and when he had extreme financial hardship and lost his job, I was there to pick him back up. We have always split costs etc and he's always tried, but there have been times when I've had to pick up the rest as I know it's out of his range. And I know if the situations were reversed, he'd do the same for me. But he has always been a bit cheap and is obsessed with bargaining (VERY EMBARASSING!!! - but that's who he is). He delayed buying my engagement ring for MANY years as it was always an issue about money (ie he couldn't afford it). I never expected a grand ring as I was fully aware of what he was like with parting with cash. However, when he finally bought it last year, it was my dream ring and cost much more than I would have ever expected (but within reason still ). He's now on the same thing about the wedding (even though it will be paid for by a combination of our parents and ourselves), however I'm not wanting a huge event, but still, he will try his best whilst still looking for those bargains!!!

It doesn't mean he's a bad person... just a habit he's in with his financial situation. Give him a break (but not on the engagement ring issue)!!!
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Old 01-28-2007, 06:17 AM   #15
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Re: Is my guy normal or cheap?

Quote:
Originally Posted by plasmodiumovale View Post
He "jokingly" complains about one day having to pay for an engagement ring, because in the country he comes from, they don't give out engagement rings (apparently they only do wedding bands.) More than once he has "jokingly" complained about this.
See, this would really irritate me, and I'd let him know that his "joking" is not sitting well with me. He's in America, found an American chick, is talking about marriage. When in Rome, you know?

Do what I did: Go pick out your ring.

Quote:
Originally Posted by plasmodiumovale View Post
I should note that I plan to pay for the wedding (I predict my parents will offer me $500-$1000 and the rest is up to me) and half the honeymoon. I do not expect him to pay toward the wedding or my half the honeymoon. (We are not engaged yet but talking about it. I'm thinking ahead....)

Another issue, we pretty much take turns paying when we go out, but more often than not, when he pays for the meal, he asks me to leave the tip. I never ask him to pay the tip when I pay for the meal. He is from Europe where they tip only about 10% or less (restarants there actually pay their employees.) I was shocked one night when he and his friend left NO tip at a restaurant where you order at the cash register, but they do bring you your food and clear your table.

Finally, I can't think of the last time he really splurged on me... offering to pay for a movie and dinner. We tend to split these things or else I offer to pay. I know nowadays, couples tend to split things, but it would be so nice to be completely spoiled for a night.... and not to have to ask for it but for him to offer. However, I wonder if I am being greedy in wanting this.
He is a grad student. I earn more than he does at this point, because I work 45-50 hours/week and am not in school. To be completely honest, I earn almost twice as much (but am trying to save, because if we get married and move to Europe I think finding work in a foreign country will be really difficult.)

Why do I care about this stuff? Am I being greedy? Please be honest with me.

By the way, my last boyfriend was the biggest cheapskate to walk to the face of the planet (wouldn't even buy me a birthday gift and ignored the utility bill until I paid it, etc.) so I'm a little sensitive about this issue....

PS: We do not yet live together. His rent is higher than mine, because I have roommates.
I am glad he is financially responsible.....
If you two are really considering and talking about marriage, you two need to be discussing finances. I wouldn't just guess or take stabs at the "whys." You two need to have a sit-down and get this sort of stuff out in the open. I'm not saying to be whiny or complainy. But if you two have cultural differences over finances, I'd be wanting to get that out on the table and aware of it before the "I dos."

And I think it's important to remember that both men and women often have to be reminded of things. I know you want him to want to pamper you once in a while. You need to tell him that. And be open to things he might want to "remind" you of, as well.

 
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