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Old 01-15-2007, 10:40 AM   #1
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Exclamation I think I fell out of love, and thinking about someone else...

Hi. I'm in a tough situation. PLEASE HELP I think I fell out of love with my girlfriend. I'm 24, she's 26. We've been together for almost 2 years now and it's been really crazy. Tho' we get along just fine, I think that "spark" is flaming out. She's my first girlfriend, first real relationship, you name it. She's had other boyfriends before me, and from what I understand they were all pretty bad expriences. She's told me repeatedly that she loves me so much, and that she's never felt love for another person like this ever. I'm partly to blame for this because I was caught up in the new game of love. Even tho' I told her I loved her, I question whether or not I really meant it because I now realize I have no clue what "love is." My older brother broke it down for me to understand it better. "You might love her, but are you IN love with her?" Tho' I was in denial at the time, I told him "yes." I hesitated, and changed my thinking. I then told him "I don't know?" I think I'm just afraid of the thought of loosing something so familiar. What's funny tho' is that from the beginning, I've always felt something was missing in our relationship.

I'm so scared of hurting her because I've tried explaining this to her in the past and she didn't take it lightly; of course, who wouldn't.

........Meanwhile, during our 1st year together I was doing an internship for college. I was co-training an aerobics class for a group of women, and I think I fell in love with one of them (same age, 24). I don't think I ever believed in love at first sight, but I think it happened when I first saw her. To this day I try and kid myself saying "you were just lusting over her." But when we use to talk, I saw similar interest. Similar taste in music, humor, etc. My intuition tells me we were both attracted to one another, as so I was told. But I never pursued her because I was in a serious relationship already (so was she at the time, but not anymore). I kid you not, I THINK ABOUT THIS WOMAN EVERYDAY. I feel so rotten because I shouldn't be feeling like this. My lust or love should be for my current girlfriend. I haven't seen this woman in almost a year and I still wonder if she's taken, or even thinks about me.

I keep saying "I'm young, and you live once. But should I risk throwing away a good woman who cares for me, or should take a huge chance by getting in contact with this woman?" I feel my chances are gone since it's been so long since we've spoken. I don't know what to do anymore! PLEASE, GIVE ME SOME ADVICE! Thanks.

 
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Old 01-15-2007, 01:27 PM   #2
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Re: I think I fell out of love, and thinking about someone else...

Oh, your chances with the "other woman" from your aerobics class are pretty much gone -- I mean, at least for now. I wouldn't try to contact her at all until you are COMPLETELY broken up with your current girlfriend. I would not think of leaving your current girlfriend for the chance of being with this other girl - and most definately do not cheat because it is only going to cause all three of you pain. If you are going to leave your current girlfriend, make sure it is because you believe that the two of you weren't meant to be together. And to me, it sounds like you weren't meant to be together. So I do think you need to break up. It sounds like you are comfortable in your relationship and maybe you even take your GF for granted a little bit.

Your current GF is getting older and she may be thinking about more of a committment than you can provide. If she isn't right now, she will probably be in the next few years. I'm sure she must be able to sense that you aren't 100% in this relationship. She may be in a bit of denial about that. And you may feel that you've invested a lot of time into this relationship. But, two years isn't that long at all!!! Really, if you stay with her, it is going to DRAG into three, four, five years -- it's easy to do. And then you'll have invested so much time that you're almost 30 years old, and her biological clock will be going tick, tick, tick, tick -- and it'll be so much harder to break up then, and so much more heart breaking. Do you want to wait and break up with her when she's 31, 32 years old, leaving her alone and unmarried, just waiting around trying to find a guy who is still single? Probably not!

I think it does sound like your relationship has fizzled out for you. Your lust feelings for this other girl are just a symptom of that. I strongly believe that a person shouldn't jump from one relationship to the next, so when you do break up with your girlfriend, stay single for awhile -- at least a few months. You might find someone else entirely, you might miss your girlfriend (and her miss you) and get back together, you might meet that other girl if it was meant to be. But I think it is only fair to your current GF to be honest with her. Don't lead her on.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 02:31 PM   #3
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Re: I think I fell out of love, and thinking about someone else...

Thanks for the reply 'minnesotagirl.' I feel you're absolutely right, it's just really hard to accept it. Just reading you response was hard enough, but 100% true. I think she's lookin' to settle down, and I'm not (at least not now). She even considered proposing to me. She wants kids. In her right, she deserves these things. Me on the other hand, I'm not ready for all that yet.

I need to get myself together first because I've been having some health issues since we've been together. What I want is for the both of us to be happy, mainly her. Right now, Its been really hard to deliever on that aspect. Maybe because I still have feelings for the other girl, or I simply just feel the need to be single. I dunno.... But thanks again.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 09:39 PM   #4
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Re: I think I fell out of love, and thinking about someone else...

I am sorry if I seem judgemental here but it just sounds like your you are just sticking around b/c your not sure if you want to be without her. It may be that your immaturity is kicking in here and the whole "the grass is greener on the other side thing" I wish you luck and all but I just want to say you should really do a good soul searching before you make this decition because you may just have ants in your pants and leave,mess things up to the point of no return with her. that may be the best thing for her though,It is nice that you realise she deserves better in life and that you want her to be happy. I am just thinking tht even if you got with your crush girl from the gym that after two years with her you would be tired of her and ready to move on to the next....maybe you should just stay single a while and experiment.Good luck.

 
Old 01-15-2007, 10:01 PM   #5
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Re: I think I fell out of love, and thinking about someone else...

Well, just to give you a bit more of the woman's persepctive in this - my ex boyfriend said he wanted me to be happy as well. But it's been several years and I haven't been at all happy for any of them. Not because he left me, but because he looked me in the eye and lied to me and told me he loved me when he knew he didn't, because he took me ring shopping when he knew he didn't feel totally right about it. It's not the fact that he fell out of love or realized he was never really in love blah blah, it's not any of that that haunts me and still feels llike a knife in my heart. It's that I thought he was my friend, someone I could trust to always care about my welfare and someone who would never lie to me or intentionally hurt me. But by not laying out from the getgo, that's exactly what he did.

You are not doing your girlfriend any favors by putting off what you know will happen eventually, and in your attempt to avoid the bad feelings of an uncomfortable break up, you are lying to her and leading her on. If you feel on any leve that there is anyone out there you can be happier with, even if you suspect, whether you find that other woman or another woman or not, it'd be nice if you put your girlfriend first for a little bit and instead of worrying about is best and most beneficial to just you, if you really want her to be happy like you say, let her know that you respect her and care for her enough to be honest with her. I know break ups are hard, but you are either going to break with her or marry her, and you know now it's not going to be the latter. Putting off ending it is for you, not for her, let's be honest.

 
Old 01-16-2007, 06:39 AM   #6
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Re: I think I fell out of love, and thinking about someone else...

Well so far you've done nothing wrong...it's not wrong to have feelings for someone else that you meet because you can't keep your mind from thinking how you feel...what's wrong is trying to pretend those feelings don't exist and carrying on a farce of a relationship with your current GF. I'll certainly commend you for remaining faithfull and not cheating...that's never OK to cheat on someone that trusts you. But you NEED to do what your brain is telling you to do...your brain is telling you that she IS NOT the one for you. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that...what would be wrong is continuing the relationship knowing full well that it's not right. Stringing her along isn't helping her in any way...let her go now while she's still young and can find someone to start a family with and someone that loves her 100%. The tragedy would be to stay and marry and have kids and in 15 years leave her anyway because you just can't take it anymore with that hole in your life.

 
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