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Old 01-16-2007, 01:57 PM   #1
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Random Ex Involvement?

So, I posted about my man feeling "trapped" and us just starting a four week break. I love him and don't want to stifle him...so we thought this would be a good move. I really trusted that to be it.

Come to find out through the grapevine that he's making plans with his roommate to have his ex-girlfriend up to visit. They dated three years ago and I've only heard VERY negative things from him about her. But I know they talk sometimes and I haven't mentioned that bothering me to him because that seems a little needy. I don't think he even knew that it bothered me. This past month I've noticed them IMing, facebooking, and Skyping more. But I still didn't say anything because he was being really nice to me and trying to gently let me know that he wanted to take a break from "us". We made very decisive plans to get together a month from now and go over things. He made no inclination that he wanted to break up with me. But this thing with his ex???? I am so hurt. I just read the diologue between his roommate and his ex about her coming up to visit. I want to scream!!! But we're taking a break and according to what we said we're not calling or getting together for a month. I am so angry. I feel like crying and screaming...the thing is he's not cheating on me and he could very well have no romantic interest in this girl. They could just be friends. Or is this the forbidden fruit idea? I feel like I'm being screwed over. I was totally prepared to take this time to think and review our relationship. He still means SO much to me, is really loving and respectful of me. The thing is I don't think I'd mind her visiting or him talking to her if he told me about it or made me part of it. Not if he waited 'till I was out of the picture! I know she's the one who's been asking to come up. But I didn't even know he'd introduced her to his roommate online but apparently he did! I am hurt and confused. And I can't even confront him because we're on break. I am so angry!

Last edited by dandilionsmile; 01-16-2007 at 01:59 PM.

 
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Old 01-16-2007, 02:00 PM   #2
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

that shady so and so.......he had this whole thing planned.
the fact that he's hooking up with his ex is not so random......

 
Old 01-16-2007, 02:03 PM   #3
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

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Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
that shady so and so.......he had this whole thing planned.
the fact that he's hooking up with his ex is not so random......
I trusted him so much and he's so respectful of me usually...I doubt this is as "planned" as that. They haven't gotten together for three years. But right now I don't even know WHAT to think. I am so confused. My other post A Question For Men might help see what my boyfriend is like, he's wonderful usually which is why I am wild with confusion and hurt!

 
Old 01-16-2007, 02:14 PM   #4
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

Don't be a fool...if it looks like a duck...quacks like a duck...well ya know! In his little mind he can have her over and they can do whatever they do and "technically" he's not cheating on you. So what's you going to do, every time he gets the desire to test new(old) waters he's going to tell you that you need to take a break? So that way you can't "technically" accuse him of cheating on you?

Last edited by BeaTrade; 01-16-2007 at 02:14 PM.

 
Old 01-16-2007, 02:35 PM   #5
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

But - and I know I sound like I'm defending him - he's not like that. There has been nothing else in three years. Which is why I'm so confused. He has always been so amazing and kind and, well, a gentleman. This is so out of character and strange. And no, the break is not to hook up with her. I called the break because of him saying he was trapped so it's not his break planned for this situation...

 
Old 01-16-2007, 04:20 PM   #6
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

i have to agree with the other posters...I know being in the mist of the situation sometimes you are the last to see or know...but after going back and re-reading your post ...it sounds just like what it most probly is...Please think about it ...separate yourself from your emotion as much as possible ....and analize what has went on(and this is just what you know about hun) He has obviously been a step ahead and covered himself with this whiney trapped story..then his friend is all of a sudden introduced to the ex,and he has covered his bases with you by "taking a break" and you feel like you can't say anything b/c you are "taking a break" i think you have a right to confront him b/c my definition of taking a break would be what you planned to do which is "reflect on the relationship,take time for yourself" not go out have your ex over,party, get it all out of your system and then if you decide you have enough go back and act as if nothing ever happened.Sometimes you think you know someone but they sometimes seem to surprize you. I know this from experience I have been with a guy almost 8 years and he was the most conservative responsible mature man I had ever me and I would have defended him to myself until I was blue ...but sometimes when things are not adding up and you have to investigate a little you just cannot argue with the facts and sometimes the facts are alot more shocking than you ould ever have believed. It is hard to take this now. I would hope this not to be true...and I would love to be wrong but it sounds like what it probly is....I would confront him either way but when you do tell him he can have a permanate break if that is all the respect he has for you after all this time...b/c even if he didn't plan on it before he sure is taking this opportunity to get her here while he is on "break" no matter if it's her idea or what .... he is disrespecting you either way hun

 
Old 01-16-2007, 04:25 PM   #7
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

If he feels trapped through a relationship then why does he want to spend that time away meant to be for himself, with his ex that treated him badly? Isn't that even more stifling? I SO dont get men at all!!!!

 
Old 01-16-2007, 04:37 PM   #8
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

laura, that's what I think too. But I don't think he sees it as wrong or as a "relationship" thing at all. I really doubt this was planned. But there still is some thrill in her I guess. The forbidden fruit. He knows I'd be worried but encouraging if he mentioned it to me. So it'd make it boring (because I said it was ok)...this way it's something I don't know which is...exciting? I mean, if only she wasn't his ex. Plus I just found this out via postings on his roommate's wall...which makes me feel like a snoop. I don't even know the whole story. I hate myself for second guessing him. I wish I could give him the benefit of the doubt. He might not even realize how bad this looks. He's done some silly (but not this silly) things before without realizing it. I love him so much, but, but, I don't know what. I'm still confused. I feel like I'm wronging him by suspecting him on such shoddy evidence. And I don't want to be the maniac suspicious girlfriend. That's just what I'm trying not to be!!!

Last edited by dandilionsmile; 01-16-2007 at 04:38 PM.

 
Old 01-16-2007, 05:16 PM   #9
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

Nah you defintely dont sound like a maniac girlfriend lol if you were you probably would have rang hims creaming at him by now :P

Do you think he just wants to do some things in his 'single time' that are things that he wouldnt normally do for fear of upsetting you, or things that he would normally have to make sure you were okay with first? Like this is helping him feel a bit more liberated in that sense? If that makes sense!

That just a guess...

Laura

 
Old 01-16-2007, 07:25 PM   #10
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

I hope you're right Laura...I want to think the best of him! I'm just so sensitive to things right now, with the weirdness of being away from him being enough without this!

 
Old 01-17-2007, 09:51 AM   #11
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

Hey Dandi - more ((cypberhugs)) to you, I know this is a difficult time, but now I need to give you a couple of {{cypershakes}}

I know you love him and want to think the best of him, and the the truth is he may very well be a wonderful, gentlemanly, fantastic, repsectful guy, all the things you said and more, but let's bottom line this - no matter how wonderful a guy he may be, he's still a guy who, at least for right now, would rather be with his ex girlfriend than you.

This guy sounds a lot like my ex boyfriend, actually. I loved him like crazy and thought he was the greatest guy in the world, would never lie to me, never hurt me, and he pulled away, I gave him space but still was around for whenver he wanted to see me in a platonic way, we got back together, then he pulled away again, I waited till he came back again, then he finally left. I was sweet and patient and left him to his business and gave him all the space he needs, now he's married to a woman who screams at him if he talks to another woman.

I personally don't believe you keep a man by being the sweet kind understanding girlfriend who gives him all the space he needs, gives him whatever he wants. I think the only thing that gets you is walked on, and if I had it to over again, I would not be the doormat I was. I don't know him or you so I'm not going to make a judgment as to whether he's disrespecting you or whether you're being walked on, but I do think you're putting his needs and wants way above your own, and you think that you're being kind and understanding, but whether you believ it or not, the honest truth is MEN DON'T RESPECT THAT!! Men admire a little spunk and they respect a woman who will call then on their junk and not let them get away with it. Yes, you called for the break to give him space, but don't forget, he made sure he saw his distance, his rudeness and moodiness so that you would say "sweetie what's wrong" so he could say "I feel trapped" so you could say "ok, let's take a break, I want you to be happy."

I think the best thing you can do now is just do your best to put him out of your mind. what I'm really afraid of for you is you will spend a month wringing your hands, fretting and worrying and planning your strategy, and when you "talk it out" at the end of the break, he'll say "sorry, I'm done" and then you'll have to start from scratch. Or he'll get back with you for a month or two and then he'll say "I'm done" and then you'll really have to start from scratch. I say don't wait for that to happen. Start the mental process of moving on now. Open your mind and heart to other options. Go out with friends, make new friends, date around, see what else is out there. Don't spend this time fretting over what will happen or how to get him back or what the best strategy is. Spend this month enjoying being free, just like he's doing.

 
Old 01-17-2007, 11:27 AM   #12
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

You're so right. I am the kind of person who just would spend my time "wringing" my hands. Plus I have done the stupid thing of not getting to know enough guys here at school because I've always been with him. I feel like I need to make an obvious stance on my own, and even if we do get back together I can't be as apologetic as before. I've let him walk over me before without either of us knowing it. I look back and see that now. Just in him doing stupid things and apologizing (totally normal) but me being almost apologetic in my acceptance of his apology. If that makes sense. I need to weed that character trait out of me before I date again. I need to be able to say, "You hurt me a lot and have broken some trust. I forgive you, but in order for trust to be mended some things need to change." Instead of being all, "Oh, it's ok, it's fine...etc."

But it's so easy to SAY these things. I just don't know how to DO them. We are so much a part of each other, what we do and say and who we are. I have this hole...ugh. It's painful.

 
Old 01-17-2007, 11:50 AM   #13
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dandilionsmile View Post
You're so right. I am the kind of person who just would spend my time "wringing" my hands. Plus I have done the stupid thing of not getting to know enough guys here at school because I've always been with him. I feel like I need to make an obvious stance on my own, and even if we do get back together I can't be as apologetic as before. I've let him walk over me before without either of us knowing it. I look back and see that now. Just in him doing stupid things and apologizing (totally normal) but me being almost apologetic in my acceptance of his apology. If that makes sense. I need to weed that character trait out of me before I date again. I need to be able to say, "You hurt me a lot and have broken some trust. I forgive you, but in order for trust to be mended some things need to change." Instead of being all, "Oh, it's ok, it's fine...etc."

But it's so easy to SAY these things. I just don't know how to DO them. We are so much a part of each other, what we do and say and who we are. I have this hole...ugh. It's painful.
Well, I'm so glad you can see the sense in taking more of a stand for yourself, even if you're not ready to actually do it yet. I know, sweetie, believe me, I know how painful it is, but trust me, forfeiting yourself, your wants and needs and your self respect in order to make him come back or to try to keep him happy not only doesn't work, but it only makes that big gaping sore hole in your gut even bigger. If you lose him, what will you have if you lose you, too? Not much at all. Like they say, if you love something set it free, if it comes back on its own, it's yours, if it doesn't it was never meant to be. Now's your time to set him free. and by doing so, you'll be setting yourself free as well.

Believe me, you will live to regret it if you don't take this time to spread your wings a little, get to know yourself and flirt, dance, laugh, have fun, just see what else is out there, date around, have "me" time, and "girl" time with your buddies. Even if it's hard at first, even if your heart isn't in it at first, PLEASE go out and live a little and don't focus so much on him. Believe me, I know, I did the same thing, and I do regret not taking the opportunities I had to be more bold, have more fun, date and flirt more, the time I wasted moping around because "he" didn't want to be with me. It's not something you want to live with, trust me.

 
Old 01-17-2007, 01:02 PM   #14
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

Thanks again.

I am almost excited about being..."me" I guess.

Still, seeing all these little comments his ex is posting on his roommate's wall (as if I'd not know it was for him) drives me up the wall. I guess I just need to stop looking. But then if I don't know what went on, how can I make an objective decision if he wants to get back together after this break???

I think I'm going to take the first three weeks of this break for serious time for me. For having fun and doing well in my classes. And then look at what he and I mean together seriously the last week. Still, I don't know if I have that kind of self control. I'm so level headed and almost excited about this sometimes. Then it hits me that this is the man I've spent the past three years with...and I don't want to not be with him. How can I give him up so easily?

 
Old 01-17-2007, 01:50 PM   #15
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Re: Random Ex Involvement?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dandilionsmile View Post
Thanks again.

I am almost excited about being..."me" I guess.

Still, seeing all these little comments his ex is posting on his roommate's wall (as if I'd not know it was for him) drives me up the wall. I guess I just need to stop looking. But then if I don't know what went on, how can I make an objective decision if he wants to get back together after this break???

I think I'm going to take the first three weeks of this break for serious time for me. For having fun and doing well in my classes. And then look at what he and I mean together seriously the last week. Still, I don't know if I have that kind of self control. I'm so level headed and almost excited about this sometimes. Then it hits me that this is the man I've spent the past three years with...and I don't want to not be with him. How can I give him up so easily?
It's easier said than done, we all know that. It just takes time. You know that saying "Nice guys finish last"? ~ The same applies to women. Nice women finish last. Like you said the forbidden fruit. Sometimes I wish all of us could go to Venus, and let the men sit and rot on Mars. That planet would be zillions of years ahead of us when it comes to global warming. Ok~ off subject.

You won't notice that you are back to normal at first. I ended a 4 year relationship last year and it took some TIME to get back to normal. Sometimes I still don't think that I have.

Good Luck

 
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