What Next?? - Relationship Health Message Board

dogmansa · 01-18-2007, 12:58 PM

Hi.. I have been in a relationship with a woman for over 3 years now. We appear to have the perfect relationship when every few months she totally loses the plot. When this happens she becomes cold, hurtful, abusive and she disappears for days at time with no contact. Lately I cornered her about it and she says it is my fault because we live together and work together. She claims she feels smothered and needs time with her friends.

In the 3 years this has happened about 9 times. I am sick of it but she wants to fix it. Her solution is to move out and in with a friend and see how she feels. She also wants to do whatever she wants. Go out with friends, stay out all night and not have to consider me. I should add her that she has a 5 year old son and she is 26.

I feel this is unacceptable as we are supposed to be a couple and our first priority should always be our partner. Friends should have a place but not where it jeapordises the relationship. Recently we had her best friend take me into her confidence that my GF was cheating on me. I confronted her about it and we worked out her friend was lying. However, even tho this woman tried to do this, my GF still continues to hang with her.

As a divorcee, I understand her reluctance to enter completely into a relatonship but after 3 years she should have a good idea of the person I am and what she wants. I feel she wants her freedom but fears the lack of security it brings. The fact that she can dictate conditions also shows that along with her running, that she is not ready for this relationship.

I want this relationship to last as I love her deeply but I am afraid that it wont be long before I quit on her. She has had a really rough life and I know that she so much seeks the limelight even at the risk of her good name.

I must add here that she is a great Mum and her son is never neglected when she goes off on her merry way. I just want a normal, quiet, loving relationship with possibilities for marraige some time. Am I on the wrong track, should I just move on and cut my losses?

minnesotagirl · 01-18-2007, 01:42 PM

You can't change her, so I don't think there is much hope here. It seems that she is definately not ready for a committed relationship. Perhaps she wants the stability that you provide, but of course not if that means she can't do whatever she wants. I think she might be taking advantage of you, but you didn't describe exactly the situation. Sort of like, she wants to have her cake and eat it, too (sorry that's an expression often used in the USA).

You say she is divorced. How long was she single between her marriage and starting the relationship with you? You say you work together. Would her job be jeapordized in any way if she ended this relationship? Sounds like you live together, too. Do you support her financially as well, or just emotionally?

Also, what reason did her friend have to lie to you about the cheating? Why would she make up such a story?

As a woman who has cheated (while I was married), I'd say her actions do indicate cheating. When I wanted to run off and do my own thing, I wasn't very nice to my husband around that time, basically starting a fight so I could leave. Of course with him, I did have reason to be mad, but I would bring up those issues during times when I had plans that didn't involve him.

I do not think a woman who is in a relationship of 3 years should be staying out all night.

You say she's a good mom, but who takes care of her child when she goes on her little rendezvous?

dogmansa · 01-18-2007, 09:05 PM

Thanks for getting back to me. I feel you are right about the stability thing. She has no0one with any form of roots except her childs day mother. i had hoped that she would grow up or out of this way of doing things but it appears to be learned action. (She does the same type of thing with family and friends)

She was divorced for 2 years before we started dating but we have been friends for many years before that. We are both self employed but letely she has been helping me a lot. Last year she was very ill and could not work for most of the year so I guess you can say I was supporting her.

Her friend has an issue with me before we started dating. I have never made a secret about the fact that she is a loser. She is a drug addict and I did not want her in my home. I guess it was an attempt to "pay me back'

I dont feel that she would cheat on me as we have both very strong feelings about this. She contracted a STD from her husband. I do feel that you may be right that it eases her conscience when she wants to go out if she is 'angry' with me.

Regards her son, he spends time with his Dad and also his Uncle and cousin. This is usually when she has the free time to do her thing.

I am seriously considering just not playing along with her for now. Maybe I have made it too easy for her to do this? I really appreciate your response as it helps to look at the problem with a new pair of eyes.

desertdweller · 01-19-2007, 12:06 AM

It seems as though you are level-headed, and most of your feelings about this relationship seem valid. The relationship sounds like it is going backward rather than forward. I'm not saying she is, but she is giving all the signals of a cheater. I can't say what the right thing is to do. Stick it out, and maybe she'll come around, maybe she won't. Some of her behavior sounds Bipolar.

dogmansa · 01-19-2007, 05:52 AM

Thanks for your input... The more I want to try work this out, the more negative I become. We are at different places and maybe she needs this more than I do. I want out if this is what I have to look forward to. I just dont want to throw away 3 years with someone I love very much if there is a chance that I am jumping the gun.

However that all said... This is slowly killing all respect and regard I have for her as a person. I have discussed this with her but she sees it as an attempt to control her. Either way I am faced with a choice I dont want to make.