Hello everyone..
I am new to this board..anyway, here is my situation:
I'm 30, catholic and currently dating a 33 yr old jewish male...we've been dating about 8 months and it's a serious relationship..probably one of the best ones I have ever been in..we have a great relationship, however, we do have one major problem...our religious differences...when I meet Rob I asked him if it was a problem for either him or his family..he told me that it wasnt a problem at all since he wasnt brought up in a religious environment..so, I trusted his response since I had no reason to believe otherwise...well, as we got more serious and when he told his parents about his feelings towards me, his parents FLIPPED out..they couldnt believe that he would "disgrace" his religion like this by dating and even considering marrying a catholic girl (by the way, I am not religious at all...my parents are somewhat, but I dont go to church or anything)....the bottomline is they told him they would disown me UNLESS i converted..Although Rob doesnt feel that he needs to marry a jewish girl, he also realizes that he cant have his parents disown him..which is understandable..
when Rob told this to me, I was shocked..angry...hurt...etc..our relationship became strained b/c i was so angry and resentful of his family (who i never even met!) so I ended it and told him that I couldnt consider converting b/c i truly felt that was too much to ask of someone...
Recently, he contacted me (only about 4 days after we broke up)..he told me he went to his parents and told them that he cant live without me..that he needs to follow his heart and make decisions for himself..so of course, i thought this meant he was saying I didnt have to convert...however, what rob was really saying was that I didnt have to convert to conservative judaism, but i could convert to reform judaism(the more lenient branch)..how is this a compromise??? i really love him and im so confused...i dont know if i can give up my past in order to have a future with him..although im not religious and neither is he, i feel like i will be living my life to please his parents...
Wow - talk about a tough one. Of course, the ultimate decision must come from your own heart, you've got a lot to think about, though I'm sure you don't need anyone else to tell you that!! You say you hesitate to "give up yor past" but you also say you're not at all religious. Think long and hard about what you'd really be giving up, hopw important is it to you, compared to how important this man is to you. Are you sure your problem is giving up your past and your beliefs and religion, or do is your main problem just being told "you HAVE to do this in order to marry our son!" kind of thing? Although younger jews are starting to marry outside their faith, staying within the faith is still a really really big deal to many jews. The bottom line is, is he worth what you'd be sacrificing? And if you decide not to, there is a chance you may not ever meet anyone else you mesh with as well. Is your religion and your background and beliefs and being able to say "I didn't let anyone tell me what to do" worth losing him for good? You could also have a serious conversation with him about why it's so important for him to keep this promise to his parents, like Charlotte said to her Jewish love Harry on Sex And The City when he told her he couldn't marry her unless she converted, "give me a good reason that has nothing to do with your parents that I can relate to." Perhaps he can help you get perspective on why it's so important to him and to them.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 01-21-2007 at 09:11 PM.
Wow. What a crappy situation for this guy's family to put him in, making him choose between them and the woman he loves. If that were me I would be really ticked off at my family and tell them to go take a walk.
My knee-jerk feminist response is that you should never do something like change your religious affiliation for someone else, even if it just for show. But then I think about this guy I knew several years ago, the first man I was ever in love with, even though we never dated or anything of the sort. He was Jewish. I never thought much about Judaism one way or another, being raised Catholic and eventually making the move to Paganism, but suddenly being Jewish seemed like the sexiest thing in the world. I have no idea how religious he was or if our different faiths would have ever been an issue, should we have actually become a couple. But I know one thing. This man was the world to me, he filled my heart with so much joy and happiness, that if I had the chance to be with him forever on the condition that I convert to his religion - I would do it without blinking an eye. I would have done almost anything if it meant I could have him. Absolutely.
Then about a couple of years later, I was in my first serious relationship. We did end up arguing about religion, because he insisted that his faith (Cathlocism) was extremely important him, although he never seemed to go to church or anything. He said if we got married it would have to be a church ceremony and we'd have to raise our kids Catholic and blah blah blah, and I was like, "Yeah, that'll happen." I would not have done anything for him, mostly because I never really loved him.
So that I think is the difference. How much does this man mean to you? How far would you go in order to have him in your life? I think that is the question.
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The grass is always greener on the other side...until you get closer and see that it's astroturf~
Hm, I have a very personal feeling on this sort of situation - I married my Christian husband just 4 months ago, and I am a very comfortable and happy athiest.
I think that any person in your life that cannot respect your own personal
feelings and beliefs and grasps on life and what you make of it is not someone that could possibly love you enough for a life time commitment.
Sure, it'd be nice - it'd be easier - but is it right? Is it fair? Can he seriously expect that because his parents nag him enough that he should go to you and say "hey guess what, if you just say you believe what I believe we're golden!"...? I mean seriously? That feels so disrespectful to me. If someone is saying ultimately to your face, that their belief can exclude you if you don't believe it with them - then you, in my opinon, will always come second.
I am happy to say in our situation, though we're on very different sides of the spectrum, neither of us even considered to ask the other to give up what we felt in OUR own hearts. You can't make someone "change" what they feel on something that is *so* personal. I think it's a kick in the face to even ask someone to do that... it actually makes me a little angry. And this has nothing to do with being a woman, how about just loving someone and not needing to rule what they think and feel, too?
That's just my opinion, currently living in a relationship/marriage of different beliefs on life. If he had ever asked me to change what's in my heart? I probably wouldn't have married him - no one can make me do that, no matter how much I love them. My heart and my thoughts are mine, I wouldn't fake it for anyone.
I don't think you should have to do anything you dont want to do. I also feel that it is alot to ask of someone.
I understand his parents' oppinion being important to him, and thats great...but he's a grown man. hasnt he learned yet that parents aren't always right!?
If you truely love eachother, why should religion matter? I thought religion was about putting other's first, and all that good stuff.. acceptance. (Funny how religion is so hypocritical.. at least in my experience.)
Maybe I'm naive, but I bet that if you two married, maybe his parents would be upset in the beginning... but I bet they'd come around.
Especially since religion isn't a primary for you or him, it shouldn't be a primary issue now. He needs to be having a serious converstation with his parents... not you.
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