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Old 01-24-2007, 01:17 PM   #1
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Question Trust issues

Hi, I'm new.
I have a question.
I have a boyfriend now for 4 years (plus)
We love each other.
I don't think either one of us cheats.
But, every now and then there are huge jealousy fights.
this morning we had another one.
We were having a nice romantic time alone at my house.
I have to mention this it's part of the fight... I hope it is not too much infor
I have two bathrooms. ONe of them I only use to take a shower in. THe other I use for other things.
However, he uses both of my I wasn't. We have had other fights like this one. They happen about once a year (sometimes twice)
the last one we had.... I was innoscent then too but He just can't be sure.
I think someday he will breakup with me because He thinks I'm such a bad cheater.

The truth is, I've never even concidered cheating on him. I have absolutely no interest in anyone else or in finding anyone else.

help!!!

 
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Old 01-24-2007, 01:21 PM   #2
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Re: Trust issues

oaky, some of my message got deleted.
the jest of the issue is.....
he sometimes thinks he has evidence to the fact that I might be unfaithful.
He really does not trust me. Sometimes I doubt him too but I really know better.
We love each other I know, but he watches me very close. If I change my behavior pattern at all he gets suspicious. There have been times when he has been absolutely sure he has found evidence of my unfaithfulness. I dont' know how to deal with this. I've never been unfaithful to him. I enjoy him and I only want to make him happy. how inthe world do I tackel this jealously monster.

 
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Old 01-24-2007, 02:00 PM   #3
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Re: Trust issues

Is there any reason that he doesn't trust you, I mean like has he caught you lying about something even though you weren't cheating but it looked like you were or it looked suspicious? Or was he cheated on by his last GF? Even though my BF hasn't cheated on me, he's lied to me about some stuff so now I'm having a hard time not keeping a very close eye on him so maybe something like that happened? Or did you cheat on someone else so he has in his mind that old saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" which just for the record I don't believe this is true. I have cheated on a past lover but I never look at anyone else now and the thought of being with some one else is sickening to me! There's also the possibility that if he cheats he's therefore suspicious that you are too? He probably wouldn't break up with you from being suspicious, it's more likely that you'll get tired of it and break it off with him.
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Old 01-24-2007, 02:02 PM   #4
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Re: Trust issues

Your story reminds me a lot of my ex-husband when we were dating. If only I knew then what I knew now I never would have made the mistake of marrying him. Silly me, I was young and in love.

My ex would always accuse me of checking out other guys. It was pathetic! Even in the grocery store I was accused of checking out the 16 year old baggage boy. Funny thing is, he was ALWAYS checking out other girls. I saw him do it on several occasions. If I mentioned anything to him about it there was always some excuse and then he would tell me the only reason I think that is because I was guilty of doing it.

It then escalated to me cheating on him. He insisted I was sleeping with my boss. Keep in mind he wasn't working and I had to work extra hours just to keep a roof over our heads. The whole time he was cheating on me. He just chose to divert the attention off of him and onto me. I never cheated on my ex, ever! It took too many years and way too many issues to get me to leave him.

He sounds like a totally jealous control freak. I know you love him, but he sounds like really bad news! What kind of person searches for evidence of unfaithfulness on a daily basis? A very insecure and messed up person. He is obviously very insecure in himself and your relationship. The question is, how long do you intend to put up with it? He won't change the way he is acting. You have been together for so long now and to him that shows you approve of what he is doing. I'm not blaming you, I'm just trying to show that is probably what he thinks.

In my opinion, you deserve a man who respects you. He doesn't. He wouldn't treat you in this manner if he did. His behavior will only get worse, I can assure you. Been there, done that. You can not change him. He doesn't think there is anything wrong. He feels totally justified in his actions.

Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:06 PM   #5
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Re: Trust issues

what kind of stuff is he finding in your bathroom and calling evidence?

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:09 PM   #6
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Re: Trust issues

Thanks for your reply.
well, he might break up because I cussed at him .
I got really mad. He's done this before and I'm tired of prooving myself.
I love him. I clean my house for him, stock it with the things he likes. I wear what he likes to look at. I watch what he wants to watch on tv. I put on my makeup. brush my teeth. try and be a good girlfreind.... and on and on.
I just want him to trust me.

Are there reasons???
yes. there are a couple
1. he has been the victom of a cheater once before (maybe even several times before)
2. he has a hard time feeling loved.

3. when Our relationship started 4 years ago, I was on the rebound and my current love and I became freinds. He called me at night and we just talked.
then the other guy started calling again. I got confused a little, but only over the phone and only in the beginning. He asked me to break off all contact with the old boyfreind and I did that. And like I said, it was in the beginning of our relationship. We started out as freinds and I was in the last stages of a relationship with a stinker. Because me and my Current love were just freinds at the time... he knew everything. And then when he and I became more than just friends, I knew I wanted to be with him, but would still talk to the other guy ON THE PHONE if he called. I finally told my exlover to stop calling because I was in a good relationship and I didn't want anything to ruin it.

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:10 PM   #7
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Re: Trust issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
what kind of stuff is he finding in your bathroom and calling evidence?
we use c0ndoms. He left one in the t0ilet sunday. It didn't Flu5h. I forgot about it. (I use the other bathroom most of the time)
So, this morning it was still there.

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:20 PM   #8
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Re: Trust issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by CCROBIN View Post
we use c0ndoms. He left one in the t0ilet sunday. It didn't Flu5h. I forgot about it. (I use the other bathroom most of the time)
So, this morning it was still there.
well I could see how that may freak him out.....well just as a sidenote.....don't flush condoms unless you want a costly plumbing problem!

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:26 PM   #9
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Re: Trust issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
well I could see how that may freak him out.....well just as a sidenote.....don't flush condoms unless you want a costly plumbing problem!
lol.
He put it there. I really got mad though. I ended up throwing it in the trash

The thing is... I work afternoons. He works mids. I see him every night between our jobs and I talk to him every morning while he goes home.

I have a cell phone. Once in a while I silence it, but i leave it on 24/7.
I'm always no more than a half hour away. Sometimes he calls me when I'm not expecting him and I don't get the message until later. But, I have told him he can call any time morning or night. I will wake up to talk to him. I talk to him at work. I take the phone to the gym with me in case he calls. I take it on walks...


I think I've gotten the message about the condoms and flushing them.

Last edited by CCROBIN; 01-24-2007 at 02:28 PM. Reason: to add

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:36 PM   #10
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Re: Trust issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
well I could see how that may freak him out.....well just as a sidenote.....don't flush condoms unless you want a costly plumbing problem!

Do you think I was wrong to get angr?
I really blew up. Told him to go home.

Last time this happend. (jealousy)
he really raked me over the coals.
Seems as though my cell phone turned on accidentally and dialed him. I have him set as number one.... becasue most days he is the only person I talk to.
anyway I was in the car talking to myself driving to work. (Embarrasing yes) I was going through some issues in my head trying to figure things out. ONe of the things was him. I said to myself, as if I was talking to him.... "I love you sooooo much..."

He swore up and down I had a boyfreind and we ended up breaking up over it. He still to this day won't really beleive me. He just sighs and says.... "I guess I have to take your word for it"

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:40 PM   #11
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Re: Trust issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by CCROBIN View Post
Do you think I was wrong to get angr?
I really blew up. Told him to go home.

Last time this happend. (jealousy)
he really raked me over the coals.
Seems as though my cell phone turned on accidentally and dialed him. I have him set as number one.... becasue most days he is the only person I talk to.
anyway I was in the car talking to myself driving to work. (Embarrasing yes) I was going through some issues in my head trying to figure things out. ONe of the things was him. I said to myself, as if I was talking to him.... "I love you sooooo much..."

He swore up and down I had a boyfreind and we ended up breaking up over it. He still to this day won't really beleive me. He just sighs and says.... "I guess I have to take your word for it"

LOL boy you have some luck huh? That one sounds a little iffy....think about if it was reversed and you heard him on the phone (talking to himself) and he said I love you soooo much.....you might suspect something. If I were him I would probably be suspicious. But I don't think you were wrong to get mad.....you just feel like he's questioning your integrity and if you know you're innocent it gets to you.

 
Old 01-24-2007, 02:52 PM   #12
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Re: Trust issues

Okay,
So we have established that I'm the worlds most suspicious looking girlfriend.
What do I do to get him to trust me.
It has been 4 years. I am too careless (obviously) to be successful at cheating. I have been single for over 20 years and would really like this to be my last relationship. Marrage is not neccessary. Cohabitation is not necessary. I just want a healthy relationship with this guy. I want him to feel comfortable that I love him and would never hurt him intentionally. I would never humiliate him. I see cheating as humiliating.

What should I do? Should I change my personality. Should I try and be more careful. What can be done?

 
Old 01-24-2007, 03:03 PM   #13
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Re: Trust issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by CCROBIN View Post
Okay,
So we have established that I'm the worlds most suspicious looking girlfriend.
What do I do to get him to trust me.
It has been 4 years. I am too careless (obviously) to be successful at cheating. I have been single for over 20 years and would really like this to be my last relationship. Marrage is not neccessary. Cohabitation is not necessary. I just want a healthy relationship with this guy. I want him to feel comfortable that I love him and would never hurt him intentionally. I would never humiliate him. I see cheating as humiliating.

What should I do? Should I change my personality. Should I try and be more careful. What can be done?

all you can do is talk to him. you shouldn't have to change your personality. you could try to be more careful.....that couldn't hurt LOL
but if you know you're not doing anything wrong and he still feels that way regularly, maybe it's HIS problem. some people are extra needy and you could bend over backwards to try to prove something to him and he still may never believe you because of some fault in his own thinking.

 
Old 01-24-2007, 03:23 PM   #14
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Re: Trust issues

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
all you can do is talk to him. you shouldn't have to change your personality. you could try to be more careful.....that couldn't hurt LOL
but if you know you're not doing anything wrong and he still feels that way regularly, maybe it's HIS problem. some people are extra needy and you could bend over backwards to try to prove something to him and he still may never believe you because of some fault in his own thinking.

Thanks, You have helped.
I feel better anyway.
Some guilt because I lost my temper. I really wish I had not have yelled at him and told him to go home. I am pretty sure I cussed too. I really was angry.

Hopefully he still wants to come by tonight before work.
I can talk to him a bit then.
Don't know what to say though. I didn't do anything wrong and I can't prove anything either.
I grew up in a home where trust between my mom and dad seemed unconditional. (I don't know if it really was or not)

I love this man to pieces. I would never hurt him. I respect him more than that. However, I don't think he is ever going to know that. I seriously think that someday our relationship will end over something like this. I have thought about ending it myself before that happens, but I don't want to throw him out of my life until he is ready to leave. I want as much time with him as I can have. I guess if it ends later it just ends. right???

 
Old 01-24-2007, 03:32 PM   #15
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Re: Trust issues

sit down and talk to him....tell him what you're saying here.
say, listen I love you, but it hurts me when you don't believe what I'm saying to you. Tell him about your parents, trust was unconditional, that's what comes natural to you. Maybe he will share that his parents lied or cheated to each other....maybe that will give an understanding as to why he has these issues. All you can do is communicate with him. Tell him it hurts you because you feel like he's questioning your integrity. No one likes to have their integrity questioned. all you can do is explain yourself and if he still doesn't get it, he's got some deep rooted insecurity issues and if that's the case....nothing you can say will help. But you have to talk.....communicate!
That's the best thing I can suggest!

 
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