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Old 01-24-2007, 09:38 PM   #1
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mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

although she has been doing it basically my whole life, the last few weeks have been really bad. I have moved back in to live with my parents for a while with my daughter due to personal reasons and now i am finding im getting more and more depressed as she constantly puts me down and says things like 'imagine how i feel waking up every day knowing YOU are my daughter' and 'you made your brothers life ****'...etc. Five years ago i witessed a horrible crime and have since suffered from post traumatic stress syndrome at which she pretends she understands and supports except only when it suits her, its not black and white, some days she is really nice to me and we get on well, and suddenly she will get stressed out or whatever and just start having a go at me and blaming me for things that i havnt done, and the way she speaks for example the other day she asked me if i was depressed or still worried about the traumatic event (i have been really upset lately and thinking heaps about this guy who is going to come out of jail soon who has threatened to kill me and is in jail for murder) so i started to tell her i was really frightened that he was going to come and kill me and she says 'WELL YOU'VE WASTED THE LAST 5 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE THINKING ABOUT IT, ARE YOU GOING TO WASTE THE NEXT 5 YEARS DOING THE SAME THING?', critising and blaming me for being traumatised by this, she has never been thru anything bad in her life which she has admitted to me (except 'having me' apparently) and instead of asking me if i needed to talk or how we can solve this problem or help me from feeling frightened she just critisises and blames me for thinking about it.
She has basically been verbally and pysically abusive throughout my life, but because she is 'middle class' no one seems to care and just ignores it, and she goes around and says i am a trouble maker because i always argue with her and not just bow down and take abuse from her and now all the family thinks i've got some kind of 'mental illness' because of the PTSD and that the reason im upset all the time is because of this and not because of her behavior towards me putting me down and saying im hopeless etc etc, my dad just ignores me wheni try to speak to him about it and says just dont worry about it and dont start a fight with your mother.
I am so upset right now i dont know what to do, for the last 3 months i have been taking codeine tablets to get rid of the pain, and its the only time i feel good about myself...what can i do?

 
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Old 01-25-2007, 05:40 AM   #2
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

I'm sorry to hear about the crime you witnessed. Traumatic events affect everyone differently and your mother has no right to say how you should react, nor does she have the right to share your personal information with others. Being middle class is no excuse to be abusive; scary how people are required to have a license to do all else except parent a human being! It sounds more like SHE is the one with mental illness....depression/nice one day/mean the next, etc. Save up and move out as soon as you can, and no longer share your feelings with her. You cannot trust her when she appears to be trying to understand--because then she turns on you with what you've told her. Anyone who says they made a mistake by "having you" does not deserve to "have you" at all.
If you can afford counseling, try to get some. It is hard enough to pull yourself out of an abusive relationship when your self esteem has been shattered, and no doubt even harder when you are living in fear for your life. You mother will not protect you, she has proven that.

Last edited by vintagegirl; 01-25-2007 at 05:46 AM.

 
Old 01-25-2007, 06:00 AM   #3
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

I've had similar experiences with my mother. She never abused me physically, but her put downs, verbal abuse, and pessimism (Is that a word?) can be
unbearable. We went to counseling when I was a teenager, I think we went to a whole two, three tops sessions and never went again. I never realized it then, but I'm pretty sure now that the counselor told her something she didn't want to hear so we quit going. My mother tries to control everything and everyone in my life, my kids included. When she doesn't get her way, or things aren't done exactly how and when she wants it done, she flies off the handle. Basically, everyone has to live their life around her schedule.

I too moved back in with my parents when I had a kid. I am thankful that I had a place to go, dont get me wrong, but to this day she has a control problem. She controlled me, and my kid(s)..Last year, February 2006, I made a decision. I didnt, couldn't live with her anymore. I moved out. She still tries to control everything, and whenever I tell her anything, she is the biggest pessimist I've ever met in my life. So, now I don't tell her anything unless I have to.

There is a WHOLE LOT to this story but I'll skip the negative and lack of trust stories and get right to some advice.

Whenever you can, MOVE! I'll tell you now that talking to her and telling her that she hurts you, is not going to help at all. If your mother is like mine, that will just feed into the BS. Try to start living YOUR life the way YOU want to forget the consequences with her. Do stuff with your child(ren), go out make friends, and make it a point not to let her bring you down.

I love my mother with all my heart, but we get along MUCH better when we don't talk that much.

 
Old 01-25-2007, 10:07 AM   #4
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by lawdhamurcy View Post
I've had similar experiences with my mother. She never abused me physically, but her put downs, verbal abuse, and pessimism (Is that a word?) can be
unbearable. We went to counseling when I was a teenager, I think we went to a whole two, three tops sessions and never went again. I never realized it then, but I'm pretty sure now that the counselor told her something she didn't want to hear so we quit going. My mother tries to control everything and everyone in my life, my kids included. When she doesn't get her way, or things aren't done exactly how and when she wants it done, she flies off the handle. Basically, everyone has to live their life around her schedule.

I too moved back in with my parents when I had a kid. I am thankful that I had a place to go, dont get me wrong, but to this day she has a control problem. She controlled me, and my kid(s)..Last year, February 2006, I made a decision. I didnt, couldn't live with her anymore. I moved out. She still tries to control everything, and whenever I tell her anything, she is the biggest pessimist I've ever met in my life. So, now I don't tell her anything unless I have to.

There is a WHOLE LOT to this story but I'll skip the negative and lack of trust stories and get right to some advice.

Whenever you can, MOVE! I'll tell you now that talking to her and telling her that she hurts you, is not going to help at all. If your mother is like mine, that will just feed into the BS. Try to start living YOUR life the way YOU want to forget the consequences with her. Do stuff with your child(ren), go out make friends, and make it a point not to let her bring you down.

I love my mother with all my heart, but we get along MUCH better when we don't talk that much.
Amen to that! Abusers like that will never see they are wrong in their actions. Get as far away as possible and limit contact. You all are worth more than that! Don't listen to a word they say to you. They are doing the classic projection thing. Blaming you for their insecurities and limitations because they are too spineless to be accountable for their own behavior!

 
Old 01-26-2007, 04:50 AM   #5
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vintage Wine View Post
Amen to that! Abusers like that will never see they are wrong in their actions. Get as far away as possible and limit contact. You all are worth more than that! Don't listen to a word they say to you. They are doing the classic projection thing. Blaming you for their insecurities and limitations because they are too spineless to be accountable for their own behavior!
thanks for your support and advice, its been really hard, i cant move out any time soon so i will have to put up with it for longer. Its really hard how she does 'share my information' which is personal with practically EVERYONE, she has told all the family and all the family friends that i have a 'mental illness' etc. One night my family my mum dad and me and my best friend and her new husband and her family all went out to dinner because she was back from living overseas and i went to the bathroom during dinner, after dinner my dad told me that while i was in the bathroom he told my best friends dad (in front of everyone) that the reason i'd put on weight was because i was on medication for 'mental illness' and i asked him why hed told these people and he said 'hes a doctor' (which he is but still in front of my best friends new husband and everyone) i was so humiliated and it has basically just reinforced me feeling more and more like ****, like my mum will totally stick up for other people and be really supportive of them and not tell anyone their secrets yet she has told everyone i know all about me and whatever shes made up as well.
You are right, there is no point in trying to talk to her an say shes hurting me because i tried to do this the other night and i spoke assertively about how shes been unreasonable in 3 diff situations wheres shes basically just gone off her head at me for no reason except to vent anger and put me down. and she has said after i told her my feelings on this 'you are abusing me right now' and 'you are twisting everything around'. Then i said look i dont think your a bad person i just want you to stop putting me down and then she started crying and said 'i dont care if u hate me', to which i said 'i dont hate u, please j ust stop putting me down' and she went to her room and never spoke of it again. A day later she asked me if i was ok and i said 'well, no because im really upset at all the things you've been saying to me lately and i feel bad about that', to which i went on to say its my fault about the situations basically that shes got the right to just shout at me all the time, then she just walked away.

When i first moved back here she said we'd do anything to help with your PTSD and wanted to pay for me going to see a pychologist, i saw a counsellor (for free) for a while instead, the other day i brought up the idea of seeing a psychologist and she said yes you should see one but said now that she wont pay for it and i cannot afford it , it just proves shes full of ********, she says she wants to help but she dosnt really care, if she did she would be supportive, she has no idea what i go through everyday and how scared i am this guy is going to harm me or my daughter.
She also said the other day that we should all go to family counselling, i've never been before but dont know if its worth it. I really want to get away from her but i basically have to live with her for a while longer..i think i'll just try to get some counselling. thanks.

 
Old 01-26-2007, 04:52 AM   #6
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vintage Wine View Post
Amen to that! Abusers like that will never see they are wrong in their actions. Get as far away as possible and limit contact. You all are worth more than that! Don't listen to a word they say to you. They are doing the classic projection thing. Blaming you for their insecurities and limitations because they are too spineless to be accountable for their own behavior!
thanks for your support and advice, its been really hard, i cant move out any time soon so i will have to put up with it for longer. Its really hard how she does 'share my information' which is personal with practically EVERYONE, she has told all the family and all the family friends that i have a 'mental illness' etc. One night my family my mum dad and me and my best friend and her new husband and her family all went out to dinner because she was back from living overseas and i went to the bathroom during dinner, after dinner my dad told me that while i was in the bathroom he told my best friends dad (in front of everyone) that the reason i'd put on weight was because i was on medication for 'mental illness' and i asked him why hed told these people and he said 'hes a doctor' (which he is but still in front of my best friends new husband and everyone) i was so humiliated and it has basically just reinforced me feeling more and more like ****, like my mum will totally stick up for other people and be really supportive of them and not tell anyone their secrets yet she has told everyone i know all about me and whatever shes made up as well. I asked her not to talk about my personal stuff and she said 'the world would be a sad place if you cant talk about other people'.
You are right, there is no point in trying to talk to her an say shes hurting me because i tried to do this the other night and i spoke assertively about how shes been unreasonable in 3 diff situations wheres shes basically just gone off her head at me for no reason except to vent anger and put me down. and she has said after i told her my feelings on this 'you are abusing me right now' and 'you are twisting everything around'. Then i said look i dont think your a bad person i just want you to stop putting me down and then she started crying and said 'i dont care if u hate me', to which i said 'i dont hate u, please j ust stop putting me down' and she went to her room and never spoke of it again. A day later she asked me if i was ok and i said 'well, no because im really upset at all the things you've been saying to me lately and i feel bad about that', to which i went on to say its my fault about the situations basically that shes got the right to just shout at me all the time, then she just walked away.

When i first moved back here she said we'd do anything to help with your PTSD and wanted to pay for me going to see a pychologist, i saw a counsellor (for free) for a while instead, the other day i brought up the idea of seeing a psychologist and she said yes you should see one but said now that she wont pay for it and i cannot afford it , it just proves shes full of ********, she says she wants to help but she dosnt really care, if she did she would be supportive, she has no idea what i go through everyday and how scared i am this guy is going to harm me or my daughter.
She also said the other day that we should all go to family counselling, i've never been before but dont know if its worth it. I really want to get away from her but i basically have to live with her for a while longer..i think i'll just try to get some counselling. thanks.

 
Old 01-26-2007, 05:01 AM   #7
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

my mother is very similar, she is a total control freak, if things arnt run the way she wants, everyone has to pay, including being put down and made to feel bad, just so she feels better about herself, its also like she wants to control everyones opinion...a while ago i was going thru a hard time living in a flat with my daughter (the babys dad had just left) and i didnt want to talk to my parents because she kept trying to control everything, so she went and told my brother it was part of my 'illness' (?) that i didnt want to talk to them.
My whole life its like shes been trying to pyscho analyse me (to whatever she wants i guess) she has studied psychology at uni and was always talking about freudian stuff since i was little and saying oh this is the reason u have done that, even if it isnt.

 
Old 01-26-2007, 04:27 PM   #8
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Unhappy Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

sorry to keep posting about it but i dont know what do it, its like every 5 minutes theres something ****ed up she says or does to me. I just woke up came and got my breakfast. My daughter had been up all night with me crying and with a cold, so i am really tired and so is she. My daughter has gone for a drive with her grandfather, my dad. I said while i was making a cup of tea to mum ' did u ask dad to pick up some baby panadol for the baby (due to her crying for 3 hours straight last night with a runny nose and cold). And mum said "No i didnt" so i said " oh ok, i'll give him a ring on the mobile and ask him to pick some up' so mum said 'No you will not, He dosnt want to pick up panadol for her, how will he get in and out of the car? YOU ARE THE ONE that should be getting her panadol, go and get a bus into town (which is 15 mins away on the bus its 3 towns away because theres no chemist in our town in walkable distance and i dont drive). So i said 'im sure hed get it for me, its pretty important so she sleeps tonight' and she said 'ALL YOU'RE TRYING TO DO IS USE PEOPLE'...(what the hell? use people by asking my dad to get some baby panadol for my daughters cold? they are in town now anyway?) does anyknow think im trying to 'use' my dad by asking him a favour?? please let me know she is just making me feel awful all the time.

 
Old 01-26-2007, 09:30 PM   #9
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

Having a similar type of mother, I can really sympathize with you. I know if I had to live with my mom I would be really miserable, so I feel for you. Is it possible for you to get on some sort of government assistance so you can get out on your own?
For the time being, just try to interact with her the least amount as possible. If there is no conversation, there is nothing she can say to you. She's not going to change, and nothing you will or do will be right, so don't waste your time and energy defending yourself. Just try to stay away, even if it means holing yourself in your room, anything is better than listening to the abuse.
I don't know if you are into writing, but when I still lived at home, I wrote all my feelings, anger, resentment in a journal . It really helped me from bursting at the seams, and seemed to diffuse the anger.
I hope you get to feeling better.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 02:44 PM   #10
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

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Originally Posted by ska678 View Post
and she said 'ALL YOU'RE TRYING TO DO IS USE PEOPLE'...(what the hell? use people by asking my dad to get some baby panadol for my daughters cold? they are in town now anyway?) does anyknow think im trying to 'use' my dad by asking him a favour?? please let me know she is just making me feel awful all the time.

No, you are not using people! You simply were going to ask your father,, while he was out, to stop at the store to pick up medicine for your baby (his granddaughter). Absolutely, in no way are you "using" someone by trying to get some medicine for your child!

 
Old 04-06-2007, 05:01 PM   #11
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

My hearts goes out to you because I know how it is to have a mother like this. Yours sounds just like mine especially about everything going her way or she starts ranting and raving. In the past 3 yrs, I lost use of both of my arms but yet my mother feels like there's nothing wrong with me except I don't want to work. I also have a daughter who lives with a guy from a different race and she told her she considered her dead. But then if she don't go about her she has a fit about that. I was so bad that I didn't talk to for 6 months and I live right by her and used to go see her everyday. But since this thing with my daughter, I stay away because I've decided I no longer going to argue with her. Because if I was to get into a heated arguement with her and she was to have a heartattack or stroke then that would be my fault. We did call a truce for a little while but I can tell since I could no longer physcially help her, she didn't want me around. Then one day I called her up and asked her a simple question and the next thing I know she was cussing me out. She was telling me that I turn her granddaughters against her and had never help her which was a lie. I used to help get her groceries in even though both my arms were in bad shape and I couldn't lift a lot of heavy things. I used to help her plant her flowers and water them when she went out of town. But not once has she come to my house and helped me when I needed it. Thank God, I have a wonderful husband who helps me out. So now I just stay at home and don't go up to her house for fear of arguing with her. Two weeks after my birthday, she told my youngest daughter to tell me she had me something for my birthday. I told my daughter to tell her to get her money back because I know she only wants me to go up to see her so she can pick a fight with me. It seems likes she's not happy if she's not starting something with me and I in too bad of shape to put up with anymore of her abuse. Maybe you can check with Social Services and see if they can help you because you don't need to continue to live with this kind of abuse.

 
Old 04-06-2007, 06:21 PM   #12
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

How long do you have to live here? and is there NO ONE ELSE who can put you up?? I had a family situation like this, my mother (RIP) was just the same. I would have lived on the street before I moved back in for any reason. Luckily for me, it never happened. Two of my sisters did, and while there wasn't too much abuse, they paid and paid for the privilege. One high point for one of them was dropping something off at the family business and having one of the employees say "Oh you are the one who had the baby adopted out" Her most secret trauma, gossiped about by her own mother. Both of them were told they had mental illnesses when they disagreed with anything. Unfortunately, if you are forced to live there, you are stuck. You will never change her, all you can do is cope the best you can. You will survive, and remember that it is ALL her ******, not yours. Try and let it wash off you, tell yourself it is nothing to do with you, it all comes from her, you need not believe, listen to, or take in on board.

 
Old 04-07-2007, 07:14 AM   #13
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Re: mother keeps putting me down i dont know what to do

Seraph is right don't let it wash off on you. When I was young I vowed I would never treat my childern the way she treated me. Both of my daughters and me are very close and I don't talk down to them nor put them down either. I stayed involved with their lives during their teenage yrs. and still are a big part of their day. So try to remember it is her that has a problem and not you and don't let her problem become yours.

 
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