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Old 01-29-2007, 12:26 PM   #1
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Question My husband wants to swing

Hello~
I am feeling very upset right now. Just the other night, while having sex, my husband mentioned seeing me with another man and how that would turn him on and then that led to a conversation about him with other women. I could NEVER feel good about seeing him with another woman. It makes me really sick just of the thought. He suggests that this would keep our relationship fresh and would keep him interested in my vagina(WHAT!) That is what I thought! So pretty much he said if I let him have sex with other women, he would like my vagina for much longer. We have only been married 5 months and he already wants other women?? This appears to be a problem apparently. Someone with any advice?? PLease! I am feeling so scared that I will lose him if I do it or if I don't. IF I do, he will find someone he likes more and if I don't he will end up leaving me anyway. How did this happen? Why didn't I know this before?? I am feeling so torn apart. Please help!!

 
Old 01-29-2007, 12:55 PM   #2
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Re: My husband wants to swing

Wendysara-
I can't even begin to comprehend how awful you feel right now. I am so, SO sorry you are in this position sweetie.

I can't tell you how to manage your marriage, but sweetie, I personally think it's a crock of crap that your hubby is telling you. How in the world can he say that by sleeping with other women, he will be interested in your vagina for longer? And especially after only 5 months of marriage? It sounds like he isn't quite mature enough to handle the commitment that marriage involves.

Please do not compromise your morals or desires just to try and keep him. If you are not comfortable with "swinging" then, as his wife, you have every right to tell him the answer is absolutely "NO!". If he truly loves you and is commited to you and you alone, then he will realize how hurt you are over this and will apologize and not bring it up again. If, on the other hand, he is thinking more with his member than his brains and he can't accept that you aren't willing to share him with another woman, then he doesn't deserve to have you as his wife.

I do have to ask though, did you and your husband have a whirlwind romance, or did you two date for a long time before marrying? And also, has there ever been a problem with him being unfaithful? I can only think that if you guys had a short courtship, or he has been unfaithful before, that he simply isn't ready for a true commitment. If he has been unfaithful in the past, then he may not be capable of being in a commited relationship.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I do hope you are able to stand up for your rights as his wife and tell him this will not happen and that he will accept your feelings and be able to stay faithful and commited to you and you alone.

Keep checking back, and please let us know how things are going.

 
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Old 01-29-2007, 01:16 PM   #3
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Re: My husband wants to swing

Quote:
Originally Posted by wendysara View Post
Hello~
PLease! I am feeling so scared that I will lose him if I do it or if I don't. IF I do, he will find someone he likes more and if I don't he will end up leaving me anyway. How did this happen? Why didn't I know this before?? I am feeling so torn apart. Please help!!
don't do anything you don't want to do just to keep him......it sounds like he's not really worth keeping anyway......

 
Old 01-29-2007, 01:35 PM   #4
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Re: My husband wants to swing

This should have been discussed before you got married and since it wasn't, if he continues to have this desire, I say that is grounds for an annullment. You may have married someone that you really didn't know very well. How long did you know him before you agreed to marry him? Regardless, I really think that it is very disrespectful of him to bring this up now. In fact, I don't think he's taking his marriage seriously. If he were, he'd have discussed serious issues like this before you got married.

Definately don't do anything just to keep him. You'll end up hurting so much more in the end!

You deserve to have a partner who is committed to YOU and ONLY YOU.

If you marry someone who turns out to be a different kind of person than what you thought, don't feel bad about getting a divorce.

 
Old 01-29-2007, 01:37 PM   #5
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Re: My husband wants to swing

I think it is awful especially if you are just recently get married. Why did he marry at the first place?
I would advice you not to do what he wants you to do, you will get in bigger mess.
Tell him no and if he is not happy with it, may be divorcing now will be better than wait until you have kids with him and it all become more complicated.

 
Old 01-29-2007, 01:49 PM   #6
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Re: My husband wants to swing

Hi I think I can help, or at least I hope I do.

First of all - Do not do anything you are not comfortable with doing! No, no, no! And don't even contemplate doing anything sexual with another person just to make your husband happy! No, no, no.

My boyfriend pulled the exact same thing on me. (Although this was only three months into our relationship - your husband should have brought this all up before you got married). He wanted to have a MFM, a FMF, all that stuff. My response was a lot like yours, and I was originally rather put off. I should have run for the hills.

Now, there are a lot of couples out there who are successful swingers and say that swinging is a healthy part of their marriage. But, you have to be totally on the same page!

I eventually agreed to have a MFM threesome about six months later - not because I wanted to please my boyfriend, not because I wanted to have a threesome, but because I had developed the mother of all crushes on the man my boyfriend wanted to have a threesome with - his best friend. Well, two years later me and his friend are still sleeping together, I'm in love with him, and it is causing me undue amounts of stress and irritation.

I'm not a one-man woman, but I've never been into swinging and the whole sex-for-sport thing. It's disheartening to find out that your partner is. For some people, their fantasy life runs very deep and kinky and you probably haven't even heard the beginning of what kind of ideas go through your husband's mind.

But to say that he'll stay interested in you as long as he can sleep with other women? Are you still talking to your husband? I don't think I would still be in the same house with him, truth be told. I'm not one to talk perhaps, because I've never been faithful to any one man, but it is just beyond horrible for him to tell you he'll stay interested in you as long as he can have other women. Why did he even get married?? That is why I refuse to marry anyone.

I'll always feel bitter and resentful toward my boyfriend for bringing up those kinds of things, even if in the end it was he who got screwed over the most. Please don't even think about going through with anything like that, it would just scar you.

You really need to tell your husband that if you're not good enough for him, then too bad. It really sucks that you got him with this, and I'm very sorry. But don't be so afraid to lose him that you'll compromise yourself. It's just not worth it.
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Old 01-29-2007, 02:05 PM   #7
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Question Re: My husband wants to swing

Quote:
Originally Posted by ozzybug View Post
Wendysara-
I can't even begin to comprehend how awful you feel right now. I am so, SO sorry you are in this position sweetie.

I can't tell you how to manage your marriage, but sweetie, I personally think it's a crock of crap that your hubby is telling you. How in the world can he say that by sleeping with other women, he will be interested in your vagina for longer? And especially after only 5 months of marriage? It sounds like he isn't quite mature enough to handle the commitment that marriage involves.

Please do not compromise your morals or desires just to try and keep him. If you are not comfortable with "swinging" then, as his wife, you have every right to tell him the answer is absolutely "NO!". If he truly loves you and is commited to you and you alone, then he will realize how hurt you are over this and will apologize and not bring it up again. If, on the other hand, he is thinking more with his member than his brains and he can't accept that you aren't willing to share him with another woman, then he doesn't deserve to have you as his wife.

I do have to ask though, did you and your husband have a whirlwind romance, or did you two date for a long time before marrying? And also, has there ever been a problem with him being unfaithful? I can only think that if you guys had a short courtship, or he has been unfaithful before, that he simply isn't ready for a true commitment. If he has been unfaithful in the past, then he may not be capable of being in a commited relationship.

I'm sending positive thoughts your way. I do hope you are able to stand up for your rights as his wife and tell him this will not happen and that he will accept your feelings and be able to stay faithful and commited to you and you alone.

Keep checking back, and please let us know how things are going.
Hey~ I appreciate all you've said. It was sweet of you. I am in a bad situation here and not really sure what to do. We have been together for 3 years before we got married and I did marry a little young considering. I have been standing up for what I believe, but not really sure if it is sinking in or not or even if he takes me seriously. I have said that if that is what he wants, then it will not be with me. I don't know how much that matters to him...he really has not shown how he feels either way. I do feel that he loves me, but I am not too sure if he wants me forever the way I do him. Before marriage, I made it clear that this was forever for me and he did the same so all I can do is pray that this will last. I do appreciate your concern and sweet words. I will keep you posted and thanks!

 
Old 01-29-2007, 04:16 PM   #8
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Re: My husband wants to swing

Was he dozing off during the part of the ceremony where he promised to forsake all others and cleave only unto you, in sickness and health, better or worse, till death parts you? Why do people do it if they don't even begin to mean it?

I truly do feel for you. I would have my doubts about this guy ever being able to be faithful. You guys should be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage, all doe-eyed and dreamy, nesting your home and making plans for the future, and here he is wanting sex with other women and wanting to see you with other men. I don't know why morals and the meaning of marital fidelity were not discussed at length before the I do's, but I would also say this is grounds for anullment.

 
Old 01-29-2007, 05:01 PM   #9
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Re: My husband wants to swing

It would be completely different if this was discussed before you guys got married and you both felt the same way and therefore decided to pursue it. But for him to outright spring this on you and say such stupid, stupid things, well.....frankly I'm at a loss for words here. My best response is that this guy is an idiot and no amount of talking about this is going to change that. You married an idiot. And if this happened to me, I'd be filing right now instead of waiting around to see what happens next.

If you do something you don't want to do just to please him, then you're not respecting yourself and plus you'll feel like crap for not standing up for yourself. If you don't do what he wants then he'll probably cheat on you anyway. So near as I can tell, your only option is divorce, and that's about it. I really can't see any way that something like this could be resolved.

I'm really sorry that you married such an idiot. But we make mistakes in life, and the important thing is that we learn from those mistakes so that we don't make the same ones again.

 
Old 01-29-2007, 07:03 PM   #10
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Re: My husband wants to swing

I used to read this internet board for swingers, and frankly, you'd be surprised at the sheer number of men posting to say they really want to try swinging, or threesomes, and want to know how to bring it up to their wives, or how to convince their wives to do it.

Quote:
Did you dump your boyfriend and you still with his best friend?
Not trying to hi-jack the thread but to answer your question DVDFreaker, yes I am still with my boyfriend, and I see both him and his friend. But I'm trying to work toward eventually finding someone else altogether. I need a new crowd.
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Old 01-30-2007, 11:25 AM   #11
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Re: My husband wants to swing

I agree, do not do anything you are not comfortable doing! If he still keeps pressuring you then I'm sure there would be some grounds for annulment like another poster said.

My husband brought this up to me not to long ago. Not with anyone specific in mind, he just wanted to know how I felt about the topic. I told him that sex may be just sex to some people, but it's not to me. I don't just jump into bed with anyone, it means much more to me. I also told him I just wouldn't be able to get over seeing him with another woman. That's just me. After we talked about it he said he completely understood how I felt. He promised me that it didn't hurt his feelings and that he would never bring it up again. We have since found other ways to spice things up a bit without inviting others in on the action.

The fact that he didn't bring it up before you got married doesn't bother me. With time I think men just try to spice things up a little bit, and lets face it, what guy wouldn't try to have a threesome if he could? The fact that he said he would like your vagina more if you let him have another woman is just disgusting to me. That just sounds like him trying to pressure you any way he can. That's just my opinion.

 
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