Let me start off by saying im 18. I'm the type of girl who has always been confident and set goals for myself. ANYONE who meets me thinks I'm just a sweet little girl who is nice to everyone, and that is exactly who I am. I dont cause problems and I'm so easy going. My boyfriend is 27. I've always been attracted to men. Never teenage boys. That's just me. So many people say I'm extremely mature for my age so try to get past the age difference.
That's not the problem here. My problem is so typical and growing up, I hated girls who would complain about what I'm about to complain about.... But here I go...
I've been with him for six months now. We can call him "Chris". I met Chris over the summer and ever since, my life has been filled with ups and downs. I'm not even going to talk about the beginning of the relationship because things have gotten worse. I will talk about the way he's treating me right now....
He gets mad if something doesn't go his way. By mad, I mean, he will yell and curse over the smallest things. Tonight, I brought up a subject that he didn't want to talk about.... Something he had put me through in the past that was just bothering me. I just wanted to bring it up and feel better. I needed reassurance that he was sorry. Unfortunatly, he flipped out. He threw his keys and walked in the house leaving me sitting in the car. I followed him inside, and tried to tell him that I was sorry for bringing it up. He yelled at me to shut up. He constantly makes me feel stupid and incompetent. I'm not allowed to have guy friends with out him throwing a fit. In fact, i pretty much can't have ANY friends. And i don't anymore thanks to the fact that I've pushed everyone away to be with him. He talks bad about my friends and family. He has even cursed out my mother. WHY AM I STILL WITH HIM!?!?!?! I'll tell you why...
I'm attatched to him more that I've ever been attatched to anyone. I feel like besides him, I have no one else anymore. I lost my virginity to Chris a week after knowing him. I have had many other guys before him try to get in my pants, but for some reason, he actually succeeded. I'm not attracted to anyone but him. Meaning, I dont even LOOK at other guys. I love lying in his arms and just cuddling and watching tv with him. It s what I live for now a days.... I just feel safe and it just feels like that's where I'm supposed to be.
Things aren't always bad, but his fits are becoming more frequent. He just isn't treating me right and I know it. This relationship isn't healthy, and deep down, i know I need to get out. My mother will hardly speak to me anymore for still staying with him. My family is losing respect for me. My friends have completely given up on trying to spend time with anymore. I'm scared that I'm losing myself... but I'm scared to lose him. what do i do????????
And let me just say that I realize that I sound pathetic... And i never pictured myself to be in this position. But I am, so how do I get out?? I feel like if I ever even TRIED to get out, i would need a restraining order.
you sound like me way too much. i am 18 also, i have been with my boyfriend for a year, i've always been the type who doesnt take crap from guys and i hated listening to stupid girl complaining about their relationships they should obviously get out of. my boyfriend doesnt treat me that great either, he gets mad at me for the stupidest stuff and we fight alot cus i tell him whats on my mind rather than giving in, i have no friends now because he doesnt trust me and dont even talk to me about who has the trust issue screwed up here. what i am saying is i love him so very much and we are planning on moving in together but i am having second thoughts, i think we need to look at our lives in the long run with these men and see how happy we will be after putting up with the same BS we are putting up with now and then we will see how happy we are in 5 or 10 years!! i am also scared of the unknown of leaving my boyfriend, i will be alone, i dont have as many friends as i used to and i wanted to move to my own place and i think with him is the only way i can do it. the longest i've ever stayed with a guy before him was 3 months so i am so sad and devastated at the thought of us ending, i also dont know how i got into this position and i often think about times in our past were i should have cut it off and maybe my life wouldnt be so confusing. i cant really tell you all of our problems here, but you sound like me alot, i am in your position and i think you know in your heart what is best you just dont wanna face the facts, you know. but would u rather be happy and alone or in a relationship and miserable. we are only 18 there are alot of good guys without tempers
Last edited by kirsten07; 01-31-2007 at 09:45 PM.
Reason: adding on
yeah, u really sound like me. My longest relationship was three months too... before chris of course.... Best of luck to you girly!!! You made some good points but I still would like to know HOW to leave. and, yes, hearing encouraging reasons WHY to leave is good too...
Are you living with him? If so, is it his place or actually somewhere you bought together?
I think, if you decide to get out of this relationship (which IMO sounds borderline abusive), you need to wait til he's out of the house, and just take your stuff and go back to your parents - despite them not really speaking to you, I'm sure they'd be happy to have you back...without the boyfriend.
Obviously if you think you can end it face-to-face then do it, but he does sound like the type to get violent and not take no for an answer - you need to think of your own safety first, so my suggestion of just leaving is probably good. Let your family protect you, or if necessary call the police if he does start hassling you.
No one deserves to be in a relationship where you can't talk about things without him shouting at you, and EVERYONE needs to have friends, so he shouldn't stop you from seeing them.
This relationship is not borderline abusive, it is abusive. Just because he has never actually struck you does not mean that he won't. I hate to see a strong beautiful young woman like you in so deep. I KNOW it's hard. But you deserve better. Much better.
The rant is done.
If you are determined to stay (against your self-admitted better judgement), I would recommend to you that you get some counseling. If he won't go, go alone. Make sure you have someone to talk to, as well- a girlfriend, your mother, someone. You need a safe harbor.
You are in abusive relationship and best thing you can do is to leave this guy. Involve police if necessary. Even if he doesn't abuse you phisically which probably will come you can end up with ptsd and exiety.
You deserve a man who treat you well or better don't have any but not being abused.
I was in an abusive relationship a couple years ago. Really BAD! physically and emotionally abusive, and a chronic cheater.
After three and half years of hell, something finally clicked. A light came on. And it was nothing that anyone had ever told me, nor friends, family anyone. I told myself this. I thought one night while crying myself to sleep, 'If I stay with him i'll be crying myself to sleep forever, if I leave the crying myself to sleep WON'T be forever' ... I couldn't stand it anymore- crying myself to sleep because he was off with some tramp. I knew that if I left, id be sad and upset for a while. But I knew that if I stayed i'd be upset and sad forever.
You can totally get over this relationship. Millions of people have done it before either of us. You know it's not healthy. Your friends and family know it's not healthy. So why put your life on hold for any longer?
You are exactly the reason I post so often on these boards. Because you are ME when I was 18 -- I'm so not joking!!
This is YOU talking to you in 10 years (I'm now 28) if you don't get out of this relationship now! Believe me, you're going to have problems!!!!
I'll give you some background - I think you'll find this story so similar to what you're going through it is going to be scary...
I too am a very nice girl, never got into trouble a lot, was VERY mature for my age, always was a straight A student, I was even an over-achiever, involved in sports and music, very smart and talented -- all of it. When I was 17, I met a mad 9 years older than me. He was everything to me! He was so NICE and GOOD LOOKING and way more impressive than any guy my age. We just thought alike and we got along SO WELL, it was amazing. I felt just like how you do - that he was SO special I wouldn't ever be able to leave him, that he was "the one."
He started to do the same things your BF is doing. Getting upset over the littlest things, getting mad at me for no reason, being very controlling, etc. I didn't think much of it, because the good times were always better than the bad. My parents didn't even really know what was going on. When I was 18 and he was 27, he proposed to me and I said yes. Even though, by that time, his abusiveness HAD escalated to physical abuse. But - that had only happened one time and it wasn't that bad, didn't leave a mark or anything! So I was engaged, and my parents basically accepted it. My parents accepted him because they realized I would just lie about being with him if they didn't, and they'd rather know where I was, etc., than have me lie. So they accepted the engagement, even though he was 9 years older...
OK, so I stayed with him, despite the problems we had, the fights, and one thing else -- the drinking. I don't know about your BF, but mine had a bit of a drinking problem, too. Anyway, so I went to college, graduated when I was only 20, started my career, and got married right after that. But, during those years, I think he hit about 2-3 times, he was still a PAIN in the BUTT to deal with at times, and he was definately emotionally abusive, but I got married anyway, because, you know "I loved him more than anything..."
Holy cow, did I ever screw up there! Not only was I married to a guy who could blow up at any second, walking eggshells so I didn't upset him, etc., but I just plain got married WAY TOO YOUNG! I feel out of love with him - my shrink told me it was because of the abuse, even though the abuse didn't seem that bad to me at the time -- and I had affairs. Not just one affair, but several. It was HORRIBLE! I told myself I wanted to experiment with other guys because I had settled down so young. My husband at the time wanted to start a family. Truth is, I totally out grew him! And he out grew me. Our age difference, in the end, was a big deal. So was his temper. I thought I did wanted kids young, but when I was 22, I wanted to have fun instead. And, I was SICK AND TIRED of having to babysit my husband and put his needs in front of mine. So I left, got divorced, and was stuck with almost $20,000 in debt. Years later, I filed bankruptcy.
I just think back now about how different my life would have been if I had dumped him when he first started to show signs of abuse.
I would have met guys in college, grew more as a person, not have had to deal with all the self-esteem issues that come with being abused, not have had to deal with the financial issues of a divorce, I wouldn't have the stigma of being a divorced person in their 20s, etc., etc., the list goes on. If only I could go back in time and tell my 18 year old self to dump him and move on!
As far as how special you think your BF is, well, I felt the same way about my ex-husband. I thought I'd feel that way forever. Obviously I didn't. And you know what -- I was able to find that feeling with someone else! It really wasn't all that special.
Please, focus on your friends, your future, and YOU. I would end the relationship. He's old enough to get over it, so don't feel guilty. I think you'll be surprised that you can heal from this. Remember, what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger. He's going to probably want more of a committment anyway, and why would an 18 year old girl what to be committed, I don't know! He was your first, and most likely we don't end up with our "first." You're really wasting not only your time on this relationship, but his time. I felt so guilty when I left my husband because by that time he was 32 years old and it can be kinda hard to start over at that age. Incidentily, he did do just that, he went to alcohol rehab and quit drinking and he's now remarried. But do you think that either of us wanted to go through all the heart break and effort and eventual divorce? Heck no!
Trust your instincts here. You know something is very wrong. Hey I know, how about I just give you advice on how to make him change his ways!! Wouldn't that be great!! But, I absolutely can not do that. Because there is no way you can change him! He can only do that on his own. With my ex, he changed because he quit drinking. It took years for him to come to that point. There's no reason an 18 year old should have to help a 27 year old man grow up like that. It's not your job! And frankly, now that I'm 28, I think there's something very wrong with a 27 year old wanted to date someone that much younger than him. Even though you're 18 and you're mature for your age, that doesn't matter. I think there's a warning flag right there that he knows something is wrong with him. That's why he'd rather date someone younger and more inexperienced than someone his age - most girls his age wouldn't put up with the things you're putting up with, not for a second!
This is an abusive relationship. I know you don't want to hear this because you love him, but you need to run now, and run fast. This is only the beginning and it WILL get worse.
I was a little older than you when I met my ex-husband. I was on the rebound from a serious relationship. Things moved very quickly with us. He started getting jealous of my friends because they were all single and he thought that if I was with them alone I would cheat on him. So I stopped going out with my friends. It just escalated from there. We moved in together and that was it. I had no freedom what-so-ever. I worked retail at the time and he would come to the mall and spy on me to see if I was talking to guys (which talking to customers was my job) and accuse me of flirting or whatever. He "let" me go out for my birthday with the same girls he banned me from going out with only to have me come home and start a fight with me. I ended up getting fired from my job because of him. I was planning on leaving and then found out I was pregnant. I was so scared of raising a baby alone that I stayed and married him. He had me right where he wanted me. I went through years of hell and torment. What was verbal turned mentally, physically, and sexually abusive. Finally one day it just hit me and I started fighting back. I knew my daughter and I deserved better and I finally felt strong enough to fight for it. He is now out of the picture. I am remarried to the most wonderful man in the world who treats both me and my daughters (we have one together) with the love and respect we deserve.
You may think I am being extreme, but you really need to think about this without all the emotion you have involved. Sure, you say you are a mature 18, but come on. He is 27 years old. There is a world of difference between those two ages. He is going after you because you are too young and too inexperienced to know he is bad news. I'm sure a lot of people will have something to say about that comment so I will clarify. I have no problem with age gaps, but people learn so much between the ages of 18 and 25. They are like night and day. If I knew then what I knew now I never would have let the relationship with my ex get that far.
So, do you live with him?
If so, pack up all you have when he isn't at home with someone else there. Go to your parents, a friends, anywhere. Do not stay there and do not tell him where you are going.
If not, stop all contact. If he starts harrassing you or stalking you get a protective order.
Trust me, he is bad news. You already know it otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread. He will not change. He is weak and thinks badly about himself. He beats you down verbally and emotionally to make himself feel better. It will only be a matter of time before he hits you and then promises he will never do it again. This is no way to live. Ask anybody on here who has lived through it.
I have been there too. I won't get into my whole lengthy story because it really mirrors the ones already posted. I just want to tell you what everyone else is saying here. End it now while you still can.
I know you say you love this man. I know you think he is so special and he doesn't mean it when he gets angry. I know somewhere in your head you think that you are somehow to blame for his actions. All of us who have been in an abusive relationship have thought something like this. He is not worthy of you. You are a nice girl and you deserve a man who treats you like a princess. You deserve to have your family and friends and not have to justify ANY of it to any man. You deserve to think for yourself. You deserve to do as you please whenever the mood hits you.
You are soooo young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go to college (if you are not already) and focus on you and your future. Spend time with your friends and your family.
Leaving him will be hard, I won't lie to you. Any break up is tough. But it is the right and safe thing to do. You are the only one who can truly take care of yourself. You can't stick around and hope that one day he will change because he won't. If you focus on yourself and your happiness you will get through it and you will be a much stronger person because of it.
I think every girl has been here once or twice, some still in these kind of relationships...this guy has complete and total control over you, he is manipulative and he brain washed you.
Men have a tendency to tell you not to talk to this person, not to see this person, avoid these people and slowly rob you of your youth, and you are still young. I being 18 and married, only difference is I got a guy who is very supportive and does literally everything for me, but before him it wasn't all fun and games for me...my ex rap*ed me 3 times, took away my family and friends and literally controlled my life. Eventually I realized that I could be stuck with this low life, no good, degrading SOB or I could have my friends and my family and find a guy who appreciates me for both my friends and both of my famililes. Call me selfish, but I would rather have it all then nothing...because thats what these men are, they are nothing.
They strip you of your life and they make it seem as though they are all you have, which makes it harder for you to leave them. The only thing you have to realize is, you could have more...or his fits and yelling could turn into hits and kicks. The keys he threw when he got mad, could be thrown at you.
Also if you think a restraining order is what it will take to leave him, then you obviously don't trust him enough with anything.
And yes, being in his arms feels good and being there with him makes you feel safe...you are 18 and all of that is good, but you still have time to experience what its like to be in the arms of a man who treats you good, and fully devotes what he does to you and him, to have a good relationship. Not someone who gets ticked off everytime you ask him something that clearly indicates he DON'T CARE HOW YOU FEEL. Its all about him, but he makes it seem as though he is the victim...he has you good and the longer you stay the harder it will be and the worse it will get. You have two choices...you can leave him and make a better life for yourself, or you can stick around and be miserable...soon you will lose everyone, and no one would care to listen to you because you stayed thinking he will change...people can't change these things. He robbed you of your youth and for that in itself is very irresponsible. He needs to act his age, instead he is acting like an 18 year old over protective boy.
People say you are mature, the thing with that is, not all men qualify as being mature...and sadly this guy is in no way mature, which means you are still playing childish games. So the relationship you are in, will never be as mature as you are...so take charge and let this guy go...its not easy I know, but it is well worth.
Would you rather hurt for a little while without him, or forever being with him?
Oh and I had to add -- please don't classify these posts as a bunch of weak feminists screaming at you to dump him. That's what I used to think when I posted on message boards about my abusive relationship and got this type of response. I always thought I was stronger than them, that I could deal with it, that my relationship was different and more intense, etc. I can tell you that I am FAR FROM a feminist. I sometimes will even suggest someone work on these problems. But I can't do there here. Because you're so young and you write so intelligently, because I know you'll be happier without him, and because the cycle of abuse you're describing after only 6 months is fightening and serious.
You're a smart girl and you know better. I think you already know the answer. Don't be too afraid to take the action that you need to take, because the benefits to you in the long run will be invaluable. That is a fact.
Abusive relationship ia an abusive relationship at any age. I was 27 and he was 24. Calling me an old woman was one of nice things he was doing. I just came to this country ang got first better job, poor english, no knowledge of lot of things and immediate family to support. He used my last name and name of the company to find my phone number and use it to force me to see him. Don't I wish to tell my family and coworkers and put up with them reminding me about my mistakes for life but get rid of scum right away. I think those sob use shame as main thing to hold you.
I am amazed at the response I got from all of you. And let me just say that I really appreciate EVERYONE who has posted the advice. All of you seem so intelligent and passionate about this subject. I need to leave him. I know, I know.....
By the way, I don't live with him to answer some peoples questions.