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Old 02-02-2007, 04:47 AM   #1
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SendMeAnAngel HB User
Unhappy Not quite sure what to do.

Well... where to begin? I'll try to make this as short as possible, but I have a habit of rambling. My apologies in advance.

I'm currently in a relationship, of a little over 6 months. We'll call my boyfriend "Tony". It began very well, we had fun, I fell for him right away. The only problem then, was it moved very fast. But I didn't mind it, I actually enjoyed it. Which isn't like me, at all. He was very sweet to me.

But as our relationship progressed, he started turning cold. He stopped showing affection. I thought it might have been because he was working so much, and really stressed. But Tony started rarely calling me, and our phone conversations would barely live more than 5 minutes.

In the middle of this, I met another guy, through a friend. We started hanging out alot. We'll call him "Jon". We became good friends, he was my shoulder to cry on, when I was feeling down or depressed about Tony. And he'd always listen to everything I told him. Jon was showing the affection that I really needed, and I began crushing on him, but I wouldn't admit it to myself.

At the end of december, Tony and I had a huge fight. I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I told him how I felt. I told him he was treating me badly, and I was sick of it, and that he seemed to snap at everything I did. Everything I did was wrong to him. I told him I wanted him to change, and accept me for who I am. I discovered some strange things about him, like the reason he stopped showing me affection. He blamed ME for it. He said that he didn't show affection/compliment me anymore because I didn't know how to take a compliment?... I had been in a really bad relationship prior to this one, where my ex would pick me apart and tell me everything about me was wrong. I was in the relationship for nearly 2 years, and it really did a number to my self-esteem. I've been depressed for the majority of my life, and I told this all to Tony before we started dating. He said he could deal with it. I also learned that his parents don't like me, and think I'm a bad influence on him. And in the middle of our arguement, he shouted "Why don't you just date Jon?", I was shocked and appaulled that he said this. He was obviously jealous of Jon.

I ended up going to bed mad, because I couldn't deal with it anymore, and I hung up on him. He called me the next morning, and apologized. But he said that if I ****** him off like that again, he'd dump me. After that, we kinda avoided each other for a couple days.

Tony then called me right before he left for Brazil, where he was going on vacation with his family, for a whole month. Before he left, he told me the following: "If you find someone who makes you happy while I'm gone, go for it". What exactly is THAT supposed to mean?? I told him I wanted to make it work, but now I just don't know... So he left for Brazil. I'm really worried about him cheating on me. My best friend said it sounds like he said that so he wouldn't feel guilty for any of his actions in Brazil.

His friend had contacted me, and told me that I should get over Tony because I'm more than likely getting dumped. He told me that Tony deserved better, and he's wasting his time on someone like me. And that Tony is finally seeing that. Talk about hurtful! One of my and Tony's mutual friends told me not to listen to this apparent arsehole. I tried my best to ignore him, but what he said really hurt me.

And this is where Jon comes into play. Since Tony has been gone, I've been spending ALOT of time with him. He treats me the way that I want to be treated. There was once a time when he said that I need someone to take care of me... and he said he wanted to be the one to do it. He also said that someone needs to be there for me and treat me good, and he said he'd take that responsibility also.. I never read into this too much. I'm really starting to like Jon, I can't stop thinking about him. But I don't really know if he feels the same...

There's another problem, we have quite an age difference. He's 11 years older than me! But I can't help my feelings for him, is he too old for me? This is the first guy that my best friend actually approves of, and wouldn't be upset with me dating him... is that a good sign?

Yesterday, actually... he bought me a very expensive gift, and wouldn't let me not accept it. WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? I'm really scared of telling him how I feel, I don't want to ruin the friendship. I'm scared he may just think of me like a little sister or something, especially with the comment he made about wanting to take care of me.. Also, I'm not even sure if I can bring myself to date him, because of the age difference. On one hand, I want him to feel mutual and be with him, but on the other hand, I don't want anything. But I can't stop thinking about him... Sigh.

One week longer until Tony comes back, and I'm starting to feel like I don't want him to come back. I think I might be finally ready to let him go... but then again, it really hurts to let him go. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry this is so long, I appreciate any feedback or help I get. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Last edited by SendMeAnAngel; 02-02-2007 at 04:48 AM.

 
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Old 02-02-2007, 06:26 AM   #2
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: New Hampshire
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happymom28 HB User
Re: Not quite sure what to do.

The first thing I will tell you is forget about "Tony". He has pretty much told you to move on without using those exact words. He blames you for his actions. He tells you his family doesn't like you. His friends think you are bad for him AND tell this to you. Why would you want to waste anymore time with this guy? Don't wait for him to dump you. Don't answer the phone when and if he calls you when he comes back from Brazil.

As far as "Jon" goes. He obviously has some feelings for you. If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? You say he is 11 years older, which really isn't too big a deal depending on how old you are. If your 20 and he's 31 that's a little different than you being 29 and him being 40, you know what I mean. I think the best thing for you right now would be to talk to "Jon" about your feellings. You are in the process of ending a bad relationship and the last thing you should do is jump into one with anybody. Let him know you need some time to sort out your feelings. If he is as great as you say he is I would think he would understand.

You sound like you still think pretty badly about yourself. Maybe some "me" time would do you some good. You should find what makes you happy and persue it. You can't expect anyone else to love you until you love yourself. Start there and everything else should fall into place.

 
Old 02-03-2007, 01:18 AM   #3
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Re: Not quite sure what to do.

Yes, I agree on the "me" time. No matter what happens between you and Jon, you need to kick tony to the curb. I mean, I think it's the only self-respecting thing you can do at this point. How could not be a doormat going back to a man who makes everything your fault, refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, who holds that "make me mad like that again and I'll dump you" business over your head, who has his friends call you and tell you to move on because you're going to get dumped because he deserves so much better than you, and a man who flat out tells you to go for it if you find someone you like better. He's doing everything but actually kicing your butt out the door, because he hasn't got the courage and decency to be straight up with you, and he just wants you to go away without having to tell you and having to deal with the messy, uncomfortable break up talk. I think you'd be wise to not even give him the satisfaction of speaking to or seeing him ever again. "You told me to go for it, so I did." is all he needs to know as he watches you walk away. Once you have freed yourself from all the drama and stress this Tony has put you through and you're feeling like yourself again, then you can deal with whatever's going to happen with you and Jon. Good luck to you.

 
Old 02-09-2007, 03:21 AM   #4
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SendMeAnAngel HB User
Re: Not quite sure what to do.

Thanks for all the advice, ladies. I went through with most of it.

As it would so happen, "Tony" came back from Brazil, and I avoided his calls. I eventually answered and told him that it was over. Unfortunately, he apparently had this revealation that I was the "BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO HIM", and he only wanted to be with me, forever, and was thinking of proposing. A little soon for that... yikes. He's really upset, and he keeps calling me to tell me he's sorry, and blahblahblah. But yeah, I'm pretty sure that our relationship was NOT meant to be. I couldn't stand being hurt anymore..

And as for "Jon", I told him how I feel. The feelings are mutual. But we're not in a relationship, and I don't think we will be for awhile. I told him that I had just got out of a relationship, and didn't want to get invovled too soon. Luckily, he's the type to take things slow, so there's no rush. He's also not too sure about the age difference, but he said that I am an amazing, beautiful, and caring person, and he wouldn't want to just let go of someone like that. Aww...

I'd like to keep my age undisclosed. Sorry about that.

 
Old 02-09-2007, 12:41 PM   #5
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Re: Not quite sure what to do.

Good for you girl! You did the right thing....let him suffer like he has made you suffer. Funny how they seem to realize what they had once its gone.

My ex did that....he found someone else during our marriage and once I left him he had his "revelation" that he finally realized what he had with me. Now my new partner has the advantages he lost. He said he knows what he has and isn't about to let me go. My self-esteem was in the toilet years ago. I had a guy who told me I was lucky to have him and I couldn't do any better. Excuse me? Not sure if anyone here on this board watches Dr. Phil but he said something very profound and I believe it..."it's better to be healthy alone than sick with someone else". That is so right on. Some people are just toxic to our sense of well being. I got out of my past relationship 5 years ago and although I have dated off and on I didn't find anything remotely serious until this past year. My new partner is here for the long haul and loves me unconditionally. There are no restrictions on me other than if I cheat on him he will leave. I have no desire to go anywhere with anyone else and have never cheated. Never will. He boosts my self-esteem and tells me I am beautiful and the sexiest woman he has ever known. I love comments like this...makes me feel good about myself. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...some men wouldn't feel the way he does and I could care less. I may not have a very beautiful exterior but what I have on the inside is extremely beautiful. I have a great personality and a wonderful sense of humor and a love of music which the both of us share.

Don't ever let a guy tell you its all your fault and you are to blame for him not being affectionate. That is a bunch of bullcrap. He was making lame excuses and needing someone else to blame for his inadequacies. Perhaps he had already met someone else and was trying to get you to break off with him so he could play it up as the hurt party and then all of a sudden he found himself being dumped by her and decided you weren't so bad after all. My ex did that....he was trying his best to make me as miserable as possible and I remember him laughingly talking about it when he was online with his ho-bag. Well, thing was the online ho-bag was married with a baby and so when it ended with her then I once again was the all important one...sort of. I still wasn't good enough and couldn't do stuff right no matter what I did. We weren't partners..not what one would call a true partner. I was good enough to warm his bed and boss around but that was about it.

You are far better off without this guy. For him to do this and then to top it off he had turned his friends and family against you....probably cuz he was talking smack about you that wasn't true so therefore skewed their opinions of you. Its easy enough to do...friends are easily swayed by heresay and conjecture.

Losers the whole lot of them and you are better off without any of that negativity in your life. Love who you are and don't ever try to reinvent yourself for the sake of someone else. It doesn't work...trust me. I talk from experience. Be who you are all the time and love the things you do. I met mine at the time of my life when I thought I would never find anyone else cuz I had decided to be fussy this time and not just "settle". I love music and I love to dance and I went out my best friend one evening and that is when I met him. He was in a band and I was mesmerized by his guitar playing and the passion when he played and I would watch him. Being the shy type I didn't actually approach him to talk to him but my friend who is very outgoing and not afraid of anything invited him to sit with us. We all talked and I liked him right away. There was some sort of connection but we didn't really get together after that two months later. I found out too that he was very intrigued by me and had watched me dance..said he knew I was very much into the music and could tell by the way I danced. He knew I was someone he would like to get to know better. After the evening was over he had given all of us his band card and I wrote him. It started out innocently...a query on future gigs. After that I took the bull by the horns and asked him if he was married or had someone else in his life. I wanted to get to know him and over a few months we wrote back and forth getting to find out more and more about each other and then one day we finally met for a date of sorts. He asked me if I'd like to go to the carousel in Hartford, CT and I said yes. He was taking his grandson there and his sister so I felt what better way to see what he is like interracting with them. It was a great day and when I thought everything was over his grandson wondered when I was coming over to their house and since it wasn't up to me to invite myself he took control and asked me to come for a Memorial Day picnic three days later at his house. I did. Enjoyed every single minute I got to spend with him. We found we had so much in common it was mind boggling. We fell in the love that day at the park although neither of us said so. He told me he was fussy and wanted to make sure first and thought for sure he would never find someone who fitted what he wanted. He had already been married twice before and was miserable in both and wanted to never again get tied to a royal *****. He thought there was no woman alive who wanted the same things he did and who couldn't go one day without wanting to start an argument or put him in the poor house. Its been 9 months now and we have NEVER had a fight. Not one. We share in everything. We also live together and if you live together you know more about that person than if you're just seeing each other off and on. I love everything about this man. He is also 8 years old than me and the age difference doesn't matter to me. I am nearing 50 which isn't that big a deal and I remember a time when I thought that someone pushing 60 was O-L-D...heck even 50 was old back then but these days I am hearing that 50 is the new 40...hee!hee! I love it! I don't feel 50 anyways and he certainly doesn't act 58. He is active and very loving towards me.

So if your "Jon" is very loving and you are scared of the age difference don't be. He shouldn't be either. Age is just a number. Its the maturity of your partner and how well they handle themselves in the relationship. Good luck to you both!

 
Old 02-10-2007, 12:42 AM   #6
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cheer up HB User
Re: Not quite sure what to do.

Dear SendMeAnAngel:

Hooray! You won! You did it -- Tony the jacka** disappeared after dissing you and then wanted you BACK. Imagine the thrill of that -- what an ego boost. Ya gotta love it.

As for Jon, sit back and relax -- you know he is crazy about you. The age difference is nothing unless you are under 18. Please at least tell us you are NOT under 18!

You can take your time with Mr. Wonderful and get totally over Mr. Obnoxious and Impossible and Totally Wrong for You (probably wrong for EVERYONE, truth be told!) Tony sounds like a real fool!

If ever your ego should be UP, it's now. Hooray for you -- you should be sitting on top of the world -- no matter whether you kick it up a notch with Jon or not in future, it's all worked out for you now.

 
Old 02-12-2007, 06:27 PM   #7
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SendMeAnAngel HB User
Re: Not quite sure what to do.

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, my ego has been boosted, and I'm feeling alot more confident with myself since I kicked Tony to the curb.

And yes, I am older than 18, lol.

 
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