Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculous?
I'm 26 and recently met a 38 year old man who completely stole my heart. He is going through a divorce that is not even finalized yet, but has been separated from his wife for awhile. He filed for the divorce after 14 years of marriage, and said he has not been emotionally involved with his ex for years. He also has three kids, 10, 7, and 4, which does NOT bother me at all, but I'm still not sure if I'm being totally ridiculous to even consider starting a relationship with him or not. I am young and don't share a similar background, so my Mom is really putting pressure on me to find someone closer to my age without the "excess baggage." She is open to the idea but really wants to see me find someone more fitting by her standards. I'm really torn because I feel that he might be the one I've been looking for, and just because he has the past he has doesn't mean he won't make me happier than anyone else ever could. I don't want to let someone really good go for these reasons alone. He makes me so happy, and I really see him as a good person. I trust that he is honest with with me about his feelings and that he really does feel the way he says he does. He knows I want to get married someday and have a family of my own and says he wants to give me that. I've always dated older men, the oldest being 10 years older than I. He's 12 years older, which concerns me for only one reason...I don't want us to be limited to the things we can do together when we get older, but I don't know if we would be that limited. What should I do??? Just tell me if I'm stupid or not...I'm sure this has worked out for others out there...or has anybody had any bad experiences like this? I'll take any advice I can get...positive or negative!
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
Do you plan to have your own kids? This man already has 3 to support he may very well don't want more.
My husband is 11 years older than me. I was 30+ and he was 40+ when we got married, first marriage for both.
I am a foreighner, he is an american. I have language problem (constant practice helped me to improve), but it something for him to put up.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
No offense to you, but don't even bother with him until his divorce is final and he's been divorced for a year. Okay, well, at least until his divorce is final. Way too many people get cold feet or something, or were just lying about the pending divorce in the first place.
If he were to get together with you now, and say you did marry....how trusting would you be of him? He was still married when he "stole your heart". Separated is still married. There are plenty of people who also cheat their way from one marriage to the next. Trying to raise someone else's children is a monumental mine field. There are plenty of guys out there who are not in emotional turmoil and are fully available. Find one of them. You're worth it.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
Well, I read it in the paper the other day, so I know he's not lying about it. I don't think he's the type to cheat from marriage to marriage considering he's been married only once for 14 years to the mother of all three of his kids. To me it sounds like he's spent a lot of years being unhappy and stayed in the marriage unselfishly for his kids, and now he is to to the point that he wants to find real happiness for the rest of the years of his life. Women do it all the time, only a lot sooner. The second they're not "happy," they get a divorce. What's wrong with a man wanting simple happiness?
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
i say its a go. he seems sincere from what you've said. i wouldn't worry about the age difference, you can marry someone your age, and what if something happens to him before 'old age' then you'd be kicking yourself for not going with who makes you happy.
and a high form of maturity and authenticism is to go with who makes you happy, not who the parents want. you honour yourself when you listen to your intuition and heart.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
yeah...23 years being married, separated for 2 years...that's a few seconds after being "unhappy". Nothing is wrong with a man (or woman) wanting to be happy. Let's see. My dad got married 3 times. Funny how his complaints travelled along with him. Same complaints, 3 different women. You did say you wanted to hear, either side.
Anyway. 15 years from now, IF you and he are separated, do you want a young 30-something going out with your husband while you are separated? This is not what has happened in my marriage. It's what keeps me from dating others while I'm separated. I'm still married. *h is still married. If you were seeing him, you'd be the other "woman". You're going to do whatever you're going to do. What do you want to tell your children 20 years from now?
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
"If you were seeing him, you'd be the other "woman". You're going to do whatever you're going to do. What do you want to tell your children 20 years from now?"
See this is what bothers me....life doesn't always package opportunities in neat little boxes that don't require you to take risk. and unfortunately, our 'morals' imposed by society sometimes conflict with how we really feel...if you give up a great relationship for fear of telling your children in 20 years how you met in order to satisfy some self-righteous image of yourself is not living authentically.
case in point, my good friend had a bf for 5 years, they broke up and a few months later she started dating his best friend. they couple is an example of one of the healthiest relationships i know, have been together 5 years, have bought a home together, etc. if they stuck to what was 'easy' , and therefore what would not make people uncomfortable or be hurt, they would never be together. can you imagine telling your kids in 20 years you gave up love to not rock the boat?
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
my best friend/co-worker is 10 years younger then her husband. he has three kids from his first marriage. that wife died of cancer. he married a second time but that didn't work out. anyway they fell in love and were married six months after they met. they just had a baby two weeks ago and couldn't be happier.
my bf and i were married the same day, but two years apart. he's three years younger then me. i was married for 14 years, he was married for 12. we both were unhappy for a few years at the end. and a few on and off before that. we've been dating for about eight months now. anyway, both of our divorces will be final next month. his ex thinks i'm the "other woman", but we didn't meet till after all of us were sep. who cares what she thinks anyway? we are happier then we have EVER been before. we each have two kids from our ex's. but things couldn't be better.
anyway, you gotta do what's in your heart. you will hear some say run the other way. and some will say give it a shot. only you know the entire situation and whats best for you. go with your heart....good luck and keep us posted.
Last edited by tarheel247; 02-06-2007 at 05:44 AM.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
Did you ever meet his kids? Do they accept you?
I know people who have great realtionships with there partners kids from previous marriage and who doesn't.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
No, I haven't been introduced to his kids yet. I don't want to take that step yet until we are sure what we both want. I started dating someone once who introduced me to his kids right away, and we didn't date long before I knew it wasn't working out with us, and it felt really awkward when it came to the kids and breaking up. Didn't know whether to say goodbye to them, or just leave it alone...they were so cute and sweet - what do you tell them? So, I don't want that to happen again, and he certainly would rather avoid that situation arising, as well. So until we are sure about each other, what we want together, we're not going there. I obviously have these personal issues I need to work out and decide if I really want to continue this relationship with him before I go meeting his kids. He's very involved in their lives and loves them very much...he would never make a hasty decision when it involves them and I respect him for that.
It's just that these feelings between us are different than either one of us have ever felt...it's wonderful, but kinda scary at the same time. We want to make sure it's going to last and not die out any time soon. So far so good...it's been a couple of months, and I'm still crazy about him. (couple of months...ha! I know, that's not long at all!) We're not sure how this happened so quickly, but neither of us have ever experienced this kind of love before. It's different than a crush or being in lust...we honestly haven't even spent the night together ever. There's so much passion between us yet it's not sexual. I can't explain it. It's pure bliss when I'm thinking about him (which is constantly!), when we're together, talking on the phone, or even just text messaging each other good morning! I love how I feel since I've met him! He knows I have this issue, and it worries him...he wants me to trust in him and follow my heart, and I do trust him which is very strange for me. I'm usually not a trusting person, so it puzzles me why I feel so differently with him. I guess that's why I'm asking you guys...am I just being stupid and blind or do you think there's a possibility this is REAL?
Wait, what am I saying?! I KNOW this is real...I feel it...you all have given me good, thought-out responses and I thank you for them, but I have to do what my heart tells me to do. If I don't, I WILL kick myself for the rest of my life! If I've ever felt like taking a chance will pay off, it is now. I will just go into it with my eyes wide open knowing there's a possibility it could turn out tragic, and that I could get devastatingly hurt...and hope and pray that having faith in what my heart tells me and following my intuition will leave me in the happiest state a person could be in! If I should trust anyone, it should be myself, right? I think I have just figured out what the answer is...but I'm still open to your thoughts and opinions! Thank you all!
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
I met my current husband before my divorce was final. He knew all about me and my situation from a mutual friend of ours who thought that we would be perfect for eachother. I was nervous about dating again but my marriage was awful and I was scared for my daughter. He was nervous about me running back to my ex. After a month or so that worry faded away. Things just really clicked for us. When he finally met my daughter she just fell in love with him too. I know it sounds corny, but I really believe that he is the "one" I was meant to be with.
Sometimes you just can't help who you fall in love with. The circumstances are not always the ideal you pictued. If you both feel something then you should give it a chance. What do you have to lose? This is your life, nobody elses. You need to do what makes you happy. Who wants to live with the regret of never going for something you really thought was right?
I think you should continue to see eachother. It's only been a couple of months. There is no need to rush at all here. Soon his divorce will be final and you will be able to focus on what the future holds for you. The only advice I will be adimate about is so not meet his kids until the divorce is final and you are both very serious about making a commitment to eachother. They have already been through a lot with the divorce and don't need to get attached to you and then God forbid it not work out.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
Thanks Happymom! My thoughts are coinciding with yours exactly. I totally agree about the kids, too. I adore kids, and if he and I are going to end up together, I will accept them as my own, so there is no problem there. But I am with you on not putting them through any more than they've already been through! It's not necessary to introduce us until he and I have established that we want to be together in a functional couple relationship. It would be irresponsible on both our parts. Neither of us want that. (Even if it means waiting until marriage plans if that happens to be the direction we are heading.) What is good for the kids, though, is that their parents are in happy, functional, healthy relationships; and if he and I are capable of that, then someday we can include the kids and let them be a part of it.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
Exactly. Parents need to be happy and I think they are better parents when they are. Best of luck with your relationship. I hope everything works out for you!
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
A couple of months is waaay too soon for this man, who isn't even divorced, to be talking about having a new family with you. He's on the rebound and looking for something new and fresh. You fit the bill. You're young and are probably a boost to his ego. Mothers give advice because they have a lot more life experience. It is not easy being a stepmother to three children. Add a new baby to the mix and you've REALLY got your hands full. Don't jump into anything just because he gives you an initial feeling of excitement. Believe me, that will fade.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
I will not go into a whole big lecture...but my situation started out very simular to this....I didnt even know he was married until he filed for divorse and let me tell you he said all the same things...about how he and his wife have been over for a long time blah blah blah....I quit talking to him and (we were never sexual either for like 6 months) his divorse was over ....I kept telling him that I was very afrai that I was the bad guy and that karma would come back to bite me in the A** even though I was just young and nieve and he was an old pervert...(he is over 16 years older than I am) anyway, I fell in love with him as well....he didn't introduce me to his kid for years and years,nor his family..I always felt like a big secret.I accepted this b/c I thought we were just together and had our on thing....well he respects his x wife soooo much i think thats why he rarely ever brought his kid around and I have been the "GIRLFRIEND" and nothing more and sometimes not even that to him for the last almost eight years. It is painful,it has hurt that I could never measure up to what he thought he wanted and I have been in agonizing pain for many years now. we started out just as passionate and I said all the same things as you but now I really feel I am paying for my mistakes....and I am still confused. Thats all I will say,some here have read my post and maybe you will want to and maybe you don't. maybe you really have it all figured out and maybe not...just think long and hard. I can honestly look at his wife now(also 14 years married to him) and see why I really won the "PRIZE" because she may have gotten off pretty good . She has a home,cars,and a big child support check every month guaranteed....while after 8 years I have zero,own very little b/c I lived with him therefore when I moved out I took nothing except what he gave me....he pays for my car...and a cell phone so he can always tract me down and keep tabs on who Im in contact with(go figure) but other than that I am left with a big empty life and eight years gone!!! THINK HARD If it looks like a rebound,talks like a rebound,its probaly a rebound. He will never tell you this...mine told me he anted to marry me he even talked about kids ect He said he could never ever neglect me and that I was his for life. You cannot even imagine the sweetest things that came out of this mans mouth. it got me nowhere though.Good luck
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
I've had initial feelings of excitement before...I know what they feel like...this is not it. About the new family, we've talked about it in terms of what each person wants...he knows I want to get married one day and have a family of my own, and that I wouldn't waste my time on someone who just wanted to be free, because there are plenty of women (young women) out there who just want to fool around with no strings attached, so if that's all he's looking for, he could find it elsewhere a lot easier, and he knows that. He's more mature than that. He has expressed that one of his primary intentions in getting a divorce in the first place was to move on and find someone he can have a family with and still be joyously happy, and quite frankly, yes, I do fit the bill because not only do we want the same things, but we click so well...why wouldn't we consider it a possibility for the future? We're not going out and getting married tomorrow. We're taking our time. I won't even start to get involved with someone if it looks like it's it would be pointless. I'm starting to think that's the main reason I'm still single - because I don't give things much of a chance and maybe I've been passing up really good opportunities just because they don't look polished on the surface. Which can be good and bad, but I'm always pretty level-headed about my decision-making, and I don't know, maybe I'm setting myself up for disaster this time, but something inside me tells me he's worth it and I'm thinking about taking my chances. I know three step-children will present it's challenges, and just the fact that he's divorced and has an ex and all will make it a long row to hoe...but if the person you do it all for is worth it and makes you the happiest person in the world, it will just come naturally...life isn't supposed to be easy, and God only gives the largest tasks and burdens to those who are equipped to handle them... I think love makes it all worth it...but I hold love pretty close to the top of my list of things that I value. To me, love isn't finding the person you could have the easiest, most perfect life with...it's about recognizing true love when it finds you and having the courage to do whatever it takes...including sacrificing if need be...to feed that love and keep it alive - because if you do that with the person you truly love and who truly loves you back, you will find you have the most perfect life. Even if it has it's challenges.
I don't meant to get defensive, but you guys challenging me with these questions and scenarios are helping me to ask myself these same questions and put things into perspective, so you are helping...keep em coming...I do appreciate it!
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
...keep em coming...
Tell ya what. When dh and I separated almost 2 years ago, not long after that I ran into a guy I went to college with about 15 years earlier (when I was in my early 30's). We thought each other was hot back then--but neither of us was available. We just flirted. But, fast forward to the 21st Century and I was only 6 months separated. We both flirted, plenty. I thought at various times, what the heck, just go for it. But, there was also a show on (Discovery?), Dr. Joy Brown, and she kept saying do not date until you've been divorced for a full year. It annoyed the cr*p out of me. She was stupid, didn't know what she was talking about etc. etc. etc. I told myself.
So old college friend and I got closer. Except I left one foot back in my marriage even though I was separated. And college friend had 8 years on me and a bunch of his own baggage. He finally said he wouldn't date me if I were still married. Which I was. But separated. No go.
Okay. So now, a year later, I'm in school again (very non-traditional student here) and a teacher I happen to think is hot and I'm around in a practicum slips into conversation that he is "going through a separation". "Whoa!" I'm thinkin!!! But then I remember all the pain and turmoil I was in the year before, even though I initiated the separation in my marriage.
My proffesor doesn't know I'm separated or divorced as I've never said a thing about it. I don't wear rings anymore, but other than that, I have not said anything. Not going to until maybe next October or so, when I know he's been at least separated for a year. At that point, I'll ASK if he's tried working things out with his wife, and if they have started any paperwork. If not, (and if I still haven't resolved my paperwork with dh--go forward or reunite) then I'll leave it at that. He has a kid. I have two. Too complicated even if both people were 100% available and interested.
I'm not into compromise. Either he is available and I am available or we're not, end of story. Kinda sucks. But I think anything else would sell me short, and I've done that long enough.
This guy is not the only fish in the sea for you. You can date for the next 10 years and not have to worry about finding someone. Even another 26 years from now you will NOT be all washed up. You won't be able to have kids without IVF or something if you wait that long, but other than that.... You're worth better than this current situation. If he's really worthwhile, he'll still be worthwhile a year from now.
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
Go with your heart. I did and I couldn't be happier. My bf and I are doing awesome and counting down till our divorces are final. So you can only do what is best for you. All of us have our own exp with relationships. And all can give our advice, but only you need to be the one to decide what is right for you. I would be kicking myself right now if I had not taken the chance with my current bf. His ex is causing a looooooot of issues right now. And your bf's ex may do the same.. But once that is over it will all be worth it.....
Re: Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculou
It's normal for things to feel wonderful and blissful when the relationship is only a year old (and especially only a couple months!). That's the honeymoon phase...when people are on their best behavior. When I listened to my heart and believed Mr. Sweet Talker, he left me in the dust unexpectedly and made a fool of me. Now I'm smarter and listen to my head.
Woman-26 never married, Man-38 recently divorced w/3 kids...possible or ridiculous? 
