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Old 02-05-2007, 09:24 PM   #1
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Question What the heck just happened???


I just had a strange (kind of long, sorry) thing happen to me and I have been mulling it over, analyzing it and re-analyzing it for a week and a half now and I can't make any sense of it. I wondered if you guys could look at it with a fresh set of eyes and try to explain to me what the heck just happened!!

First, some background. I am a 34 year old mother of 1. I started dating my husband at 18, married at 23, and we are now separated. So I really don't have much dating experience to draw off of.

When I was 21, I met a guy (we'll call him Steve) that I immediately had an attraction too. And some weird, fate-like, coincidental things happened and I wound up breaking up with my boyfriend (who later was my husband) and dating him for a couple of months. It was a great relationship. It was easy and we just had fun together. But I was young and foolish and scared and I wound up going back with my boyfriend and ending things (friendly) with Steve. We even stayed friends for awhile after we broke up.

Fast forward 13 years. I have thought about Steve since I lost touch with him 13 years ago. While I was with my husband I kept thinking what if Steve was the one I was supposed to be with. I kept thinking about what would have happened if I'd stayed with Steve. I have daydreamed (and night dreamed) about this man for 13 years and what would happen if we met up again. Everytime I visit my hometown, I am looking around for him everywhere I go.

A couple of months ago, I got the nerve and I emailed Steve and he immediately answered. He has never gotten married or had kids. He runs his own business and is a total workaholic. We emailed for a couple of weeks and then started instant messaging. We fell right back into our old relationship. It was comfortable, like we'd never stopped talking.

He was getting more and more serious each time we talked. He remembered a lot about our relationship and talked about how much fun we had together and said "I think we could have even more fun now." He talked about being lonely and how he wished he was with me. He immediately startedplanning to come see me and planning where we would go. I was very open to what he said, but he was definitely the more agressive one in moving the relationship along. He was also very busy with his job, and there were many times he said he'd IM me and wasn't able to. He constantly travels for his job and works 18 hour days. But I could tell that he was really trying to fit me into his crazy life.

Two weeks ago, we chatted. He had just gotten to his hotel and signed on. I told him I was going to Manhattan for a long weekend and wondered if he ever got a weekend off. (He lives in NY state.) His answer was "for you I will." We made a plan to meet there in a week and a half. And he was so excited, talking about how much he needs a break and he's so excited to see me. Then he told me he was going to be in my state the next night and could I meet him. He was practically begging me. I tried so hard to think of a way, but I couldn't think of anyone to watch my daughter and it's a school night, so I told him I couldn't. He said that's okay, he'd be online waiting for me the next night. Then we started to say our goodbyes and we were joking around and he said (and I'll quote) "Quick question..." I said yes? "Can you deal with someone who has to travel alot..." "but always came home and gave you lots of attention..." "and always respected you..." "and made you a priority?" I said (completely swooning inside) yes I think I could deal with that! He said "that's good. I'll talk to you tomorrow. bye!" I said, sure just leave when you got my heart beating so fast! And he signed off. I was on cloud nine. I couldn't believe that this person I'd been dreaming about for 13 years was saying these things to me. It was going better than I ever imagined it in my wildest dreams.

The next night, I signed on and said, hey, Steve, are you there? Then I waited and took a bath and did the dishes and finally signed off at 11:00. No Steve. Well, I wasn't worried, he'd done that before. Sometimes he travels later than he thought or he has to catch a late flight. No problem. The next night I signed on and didn't IM him, I just waited for him to respond to my first one. No Steve. We don't usually talk on Friday nights, but I signed on and said "I hope you'll be on tonight." I signed off at 11:00 and emailed him like I do every friday. Just a real casual email, saying I hope his traveling is going well, I've missed talking to him, and I wondered if he was able to get the weekend off to meet me in Manhattan.

He emailed me back on sunday and this is what he said:
"Hello, I just got word that xyz corporation wants to use my product company wide, so I will be flying to France next week and I will be back in 10 days from there. I am not sure how well messenger works from there, but I will try and email you at least. I am sorry I could not meet you, but maybe I will get a break soon, things are starting to move fast for me and my business and I have to take advantage while I can. I hope things are okay for you."

That was over a week ago and I haven't heard one word from him, even though he was online yesterday. I keep thinking if he was dumping me, he could have acted like an adult and just said, I don't have time for a relationship right now. Or if he was trying to let me down easy, why didn't he say he'd be in Paris for a month with no internet. He is keeping me hanging by saying, I'll email you, I'll be back in 10 days, maybe I'll get a break soon. I just can't believe this is the same person who was begging me to come see him the last time we talked. What happened overnight to change this?

He said so many sweet things to me and he was getting more serious every time we spoke. I don't need to know what to do, I'd just like to understand what happened. Now this relationship feels more incomplete than ever. I just want to get over him once and for all. I am sorry to be so long winded, but thank you for any insight you can give me.

emily

 
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Old 02-05-2007, 10:27 PM   #2
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jozi209 HB User
Re: What the heck just happened???

i don't really know what to say except i'm sorry, the situation sucks...but you have to realize what a work-aholic is; i used to be one, working 90hrs/week + going to school, and although i talked like family and relationships were important, i did not act like it. actions speak louder than words. that why a facet of relationships is hard work because there is effort involved. for what its worth, it doesn't sound like hes blowing you off, just that he IS a work-aholic. you did tell him you could deal with a crazy work schedule, although you might not have known what that entails. you have to decide if you'll be okay with this if u guys decide to have a future together.

 
Old 02-06-2007, 10:55 AM   #3
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Re: What the heck just happened???

Quote:
but you have to realize what a work-aholic is; i used to be one, working 90hrs/week + going to school, and although i talked like family and relationships were important, i did not act like it

Thank you for reading my novel and for your reply! I really have no experience dating a workaholic, so I cannot even fathom not having 5 minutes to email someone in an entire week. I just don't understand it.

Quote:
for what its worth, it doesn't sound like hes blowing you off, just that he IS a work-aholic. you did tell him you could deal with a crazy work schedule, although you might not have known what that entails.
That gives me alittle hope! I really don't mind that he works alot or that we can't talk much. It would probably be a good match because I like my alone time and I want things to move slowly anyway.

The thing that has me all confused is should I take his email at face value or was he trying to get rid of me slowly, you know? He didn't do a good job of making it clear. If he was dumping me, he didn't get that across clearly since he told me when he'd be back and he'd try to email and maybe he'd have a break soon so we could meet, and if he wants things to continue, he sure didn't give me any reason to think that so I don't feel sure about that either.

Even if I wasn't going to get to talk to him for a month, if I knew for sure that he was interested, I'd wait. But I keep wondering if I'll ever hear from him again. I just wish he would have said something sweet or something acknowledging the wonderful thing he had said to me when we last spoke. Especially because he knew we wouldn't talk for a few weeks.

Anyone else have any thoughts?

emily

 
Old 02-06-2007, 11:13 AM   #4
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Re: What the heck just happened???

Hmmmm...I'm wondering if maybe the disappointment you're feeling is from your own expectations rather than his actions. I mean, he did say he would be incommunicato for 10 days, and it's been about that now, yes? I know you wanted more sweet words, and maybe a "I meant what I said last night" or whatever, but c'mon, is that really realistic? Does that kind of stuff really happen outside a Hollywood movie?

Men are funny that way. They come on all hot and heavy, roses and hearts and drippy sweet "I love you's, I'm so glad I met you's" and such, then the next day, "well, I thought I meant it then, I was caught up in the moment, but I don't feel it anymore." Men can turn it off and on like a water faucet unless it's that once-in-a-lifetime woman they really spend the rest of their life with, who they would die for. And not every man finds that one woman. But she's the only one who gets their absolute best effort.

But why wait and why wonder? The bottom line is, he's not there, and you two have not decided to be exclusive. Time is precious, and we aren't given a lot of it. I say go out, enjoy life, even date around. If he comes back to you, if he's online when you get back from a great night out, hey, great. If not, you haven't put your life on hold. Be willing to take a bit more control over your ow life and don't make what you do depend on whether or not some guy gets back to you. I know you have deep, real feelings for him, but we can't always rely solely on what we feel in our heart. We have to do the best we can with what we have to work with. I do hope things work out for the absolute best for you. Good luck.

 
Old 02-06-2007, 11:18 AM   #5
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Re: What the heck just happened???

Since you have reconnected with him and started talking to him again after 13 years, have you met him physically? I didn't hear any mentions of in-person meeetings? So, do you really have a relationship with him currently? To me it sounds as though you two were just talking and flirting, but not actually meeting up in person and going on dates -- is that correct? Because if it is, then you really weren't an item yet, and so he can't really "dump" you.

I bet he is single for a reason, and the reason is that his work is much more of a priority to him than a relationship. I don't think he's blowing you off here. With a workaholic, time goes by fast, and a week and half isn't that long. He probably doesn't even realize that it has been that long. Plus, when he asked if you were OK with someone who travels a lot and is busy with work - you said yes, you were OK with that. So he assumes you're OK with not hearing from him for awhile. He told you he'd be in France for 10 days -- has it even been 10 days yet? That's two weeks in business time.

He was probably begging to meet you because he actually did have some free time at that moment. So I think he does want to meet up with you again. But, you have to be prepared for this to be an occasional relationship for now, since it sounds like he's way too involved with work to make a greater committment.

 
Old 02-06-2007, 02:28 PM   #6
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Re: What the heck just happened???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Hmmmm...I'm wondering if maybe the disappointment you're feeling is from your own expectations rather than his actions. I mean, he did say he would be incommunicato for 10 days, and it's been about that now, yes? I know you wanted more sweet words, and maybe a "I meant what I said last night" or whatever, but c'mon, is that really realistic? Does that kind of stuff really happen outside a Hollywood movie?
You're right, it is probably more my own expectations rather than his actions that are bugging me. I'm just way overanalyzing this. The fact that he said he'd be waiting online for me the next night and then wasn't plus the rather emotionless email made me start thinking that he's blown me off. He said in his email he was leaving next week (this week I guess) for France, so why didn't he say he'd try to get in touch with me before he leaves? I know he's busy.

Quote:
Men are funny that way. They come on all hot and heavy, roses and hearts and drippy sweet "I love you's, I'm so glad I met you's" and such, then the next day, "well, I thought I meant it then, I was caught up in the moment, but I don't feel it anymore."
This is the other thing that I started thinking. What if he got all caught up and then freaked himself out and now he' s trying to quietly fade away. But he just gave me too many details in his email to convince me of that.

Thank you for your reply. I do have other stuff in my life that keeps me busy, but this has been on my mind for awhile that's for sure!

emily

 
Old 02-06-2007, 02:37 PM   #7
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Re: What the heck just happened???

Quote:
Originally Posted by minnesotagirl View Post
Since you have reconnected with him and started talking to him again after 13 years, have you met him physically? I didn't hear any mentions of in-person meeetings? So, do you really have a relationship with him currently? To me it sounds as though you two were just talking and flirting, but not actually meeting up in person and going on dates -- is that correct? Because if it is, then you really weren't an item yet, and so he can't really "dump" you.
No, we've just been talking online. I know "dump" technically wasn't the right word, I just couldn't think of another way to put it. I know we are not a couple at all, just talking.

Quote:
I bet he is single for a reason, and the reason is that his work is much more of a priority to him than a relationship. I don't think he's blowing you off here. With a workaholic, time goes by fast, and a week and half isn't that long. He probably doesn't even realize that it has been that long. Plus, when he asked if you were OK with someone who travels a lot and is busy with work - you said yes, you were OK with that. So he assumes you're OK with not hearing from him for awhile. He told you he'd be in France for 10 days -- has it even been 10 days yet? That's two weeks in business time.
Thank you for some more hope. I guess that's why I posted this here. I needed a fresh set of eyes to look at it. I have over thought it and I needed a new perspective. I guess I won't write him off yet!

Quote:
He was probably begging to meet you because he actually did have some free time at that moment. So I think he does want to meet up with you again. But, you have to be prepared for this to be an occasional relationship for now, since it sounds like he's way too involved with work to make a greater committment.
I guess you're right. And I am totally prepared for an occasional relationship right now, actually I'd prefer it. I just wanted to know if that is what it actually is. I guess I just wondered if it seemed like he blew me off or if he was just busy. Thanks for your help!

emily

 
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