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Old 02-06-2007, 07:40 AM   #1
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Still struggling with our family....

Hi all....I posted (How do I deal with this stress) a while back..Much to long to re-post...but...

I finally, after her telling her son (my husband) after seeing a pic of our son at a school function "thats why he isn't close to me" opened my mouth...this was 2 weeks before Christmas...adn NOT when I wanted to do it, but felt forced.

I told her she spends no time with our kids, doesn't recognize them at all...does nothing with us. She had made a comment to me, about her daughter in law wanting to go shopping "well, I'll go, it's been 3 months since we've done anything"....I freaked! I said to her, well...sorry it's been so long....when was the last time you did anything with us, or our kids? she looked at me dumbfounded, unsure of what to say...then told me she'd take 50% responsibility, thats it, it's not her fault...so I pointed out all the times she's had the other kids over, done things with them, all she's done for the other two of her kids, then pointed us out....how she's never there, we've never done anything to her either and we're confused as to why we're always shut out, and our kids mean NOTHING to her. I told her no...not 50%...you've made NO, repeat NO effort what so ever...and told her also that when our kids are as good, and yes...I'm not bragging here...they are good kids....high honors in school, sports etc....little attitude from the female 16 YO :-) But that is normal....why does she do nothing with them? Why does she have time for everyone else nad everything else, but doesn't make ANY effort what so ever with our kids...she never gave me an answer....I also told her daughter (my sister in law) that I did NOT want to say anything, in fear that she would jump in and start to see them etc, and I didn't want it to be because I said something, but because she WANTED to....

Well...here we are...7 weeks has gone by....still, no effort..she DID make a cake for our daughters dinner this past Sat, and got a little upset with her, because she said "I had put the girls hair up, just like you always wear yours"...(the girl on the cake) and my daugher replied back, "but I don't wear it like that, I haven't in over a year".....well, when we left, she didn't give her a hug or anything...this was her 16th birthday! She did not say it in a bad way either...she giggled and hugged her when she said it. WHen we got home, I emailed her and thanked her and said the cake was wonderful, she (our daughter) had a great time and was very surprised (20 of us met for dinner to surprise her at her favorite restaurant). She emailed me back and said "well, at least I did something right"...as to the cake.

When do I say "enough is enough" and just shut everyone out? I can't deal with this anymore...the annimosity with the kids is getting worse and worse, they feel rejected, our daughter does anyway, our son knows no different...

Why is she putting blame on our kids?
Why do some grandparents do this?
How do I explain to our kids why she is doing this?

I just don't know what to do....I don't want to go to her house, we have to for my father in laws 65th....he wouldn't let us celebrate, but we want to give him a gift anyway...I hate being there...I hate seeing my little guy as for a snack and her say of course, then wander around her kitchen...not knowing where they are....he's 7....he doesn't even know where her snacks are!!!

I hate to be the "terrible daughter in law" but I've had enough, my kids don't deserve to be ignored (another report card, not a question again as to how she did and I'm not offering.....only 2 more basketball games out of 21 left and no one in the family, other than my mother, has bothered to go see a game) I'd rather them (the family) not be part of our lives and have it just be that way, rather than our kids be around them and them not pay any attention to them...

Sorry..I need guidance, I don't know how to handle this situatoin anymore...I've said what I had to say to them, I've pointed it all out....but still, it's still the same!

 
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Old 02-06-2007, 08:14 AM   #2
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Re: Still struggling with our family....

well I didn't see your other post, so i'm just going on this one......what does your husband have to say about this? Is he getting involved or is he letting you be the bad guy?

 
Old 02-06-2007, 08:36 AM   #3
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Re: Still struggling with our family....

His feelings.....she really wasn't there for him, she's always been this way, so "whats my problem".....he essentially is ignoring it, other than sticking up for us and telling her it wasn't the case, that one school function, is not why he isn't close to her. He doesn't understand it and honestly, just feels we should live our own lives and the heck with all of them.

He is ignoring it...his sisters life is a mess (their bad mistakes and decisions...her and her husband), so he just doesn't go see her, because he can't deal with it...doesn't know what to say to her or how to deal with it.

So in a sense.....he's not, he won't....he just lets it be, but makes absolutely no effort on his part to go visit them or anything, in light of everything that is going on.

I just don't understand any of it....I understand that the other two grandchildren don't have parents like us, getting them involved in sports etc, like we do ours...and don't support them in what they do (when it was just our daughter, before we had our son, we took the older nephew to sports etc to get him involved, but couldn't continue with two of our own to deal with), so she feels at times she needs to be there for them and not ours....but at the same time, she is hurting our children emotionally. Our daughter, the 16 YO...just says the heck with it...she doesn't like it the way it is, but figures what ever....she'll say something to us about it, but won't to her grandparents...

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything to her, but I jsut can't sit back and do this...even last weekend our nephew (he's 15) called us, he was at their house all weekend...it hurts our kids to know that, so we try not to let them know....but why should we feel that way? I should rephrase that...it hurts our daughter, our son the 7 year old, knows no different.

You know too...our kids are so good and self sufficient.....they are not a problem to spend time with, they are good, they listen, they are happy with a game of cards at grams house....they don't expect to be brought shopping or what ever and my husband even said...a movie, what ever...do you have to spend money to spend time with them...NO....they just want time, we gave everyone our daughters basketball schedule (her LIFE is basketball....and has been for years)....not ONE person has gone to ONE game....NONE...and she plays in school, then AAU then summer ball....they don't go to soccer games or softball games...NOTHING.....it really hurts her that there is no support when all the other kids have their families at games....

Grrr....frustrating.....

 
Old 02-06-2007, 08:59 AM   #4
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Re: Still struggling with our family....

well you're not getting any support from him, so you're the bad guy trying to make waves here. I'm sorry your husband won't stand up for you. It's like you're fighting against the tide. oh well, don't worry that they don't go to your daughters games, you do, and she will remember that. I would just avoid them as much as possible, and just keep showing your kids that you support them and you're there for them.

 
Old 02-06-2007, 09:08 AM   #5
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Re: Still struggling with our family....

Oh, he supports me, completely is on teh same page, just won't say anything or do anything about it! He's a great guy....

We do, just do our own thing and live our own lives...which in turn, of course, is held against us....but what ever......I'm going to continue to do so. I don't involve myself, unless I have too..and if someone needs help or what not, we're there....we won't do the "you did, so I did" thing.....

I just hate that my kids are hurt...it really bothers me...but have also decided that when they are all working on their houses (inlaws are doing their kitchen etc) we aren't helping....we're too busy with our own stuff and as awful as that sounds...and it does :-)....no one ever pitches in with us, so we're not going out of our way anymore.....just can't...

 
Old 02-08-2007, 05:17 PM   #6
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Re: Still struggling with our family....

Quote:
Originally Posted by m1e1b1s1 View Post
Oh, he supports me, completely is on teh same page, just won't say anything or do anything about it! He's a great guy....
so how is that supportive? read your sentence over....if you put the right tone to it, it almost sounds sarcastic......and I wouldn't blame you if you were being sarcastic, but sadly I don't think you are. He's not supportive, he's trying to not make waves and letting you look like the bad guy. This is his family, he's the one that should be standing up to them.
he's not supportive, if he was supportive he would make it KNOWN that he was on the same page with you....not just to you, but to his family.

 
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