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Old 02-17-2007, 11:44 AM   #1
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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londa70 HB User
Ten years later..I realize I made a mistake

When I was 17 I had I boyfriend who was my best friend. We knew each other as kids and hooked up after highschool. He was also my first love (first partner). We shared so many things in common. He made me laugh, supported me, showed me what it was like to be treated like a woman.

The inbetween:
We broke up after a couple years. I realize I was too young to be getting so serious (He proposed twice). Although I cared for him deeply, I wasn't "in love". I wanted to explore other options and life in general. For a couple years after our relationship ended he was still very much in love with me. We kept up on each others life through relatives. I always wanted to know how he was doing.

Fast forward:

He got married had two kids...so did I. Recently, he sister got married and we saw each other for the first time in 9 years. I could even eat. I longed to hug him and catch up on old times but reality sunk in..he's married and over you. He told my brother-n-law. We're both married now but I still care about her (me). His wife spent the whole time trying to show me pictures of their kids. She knew of me from way back and always knew their is a spot in his heart for me. He's told everyone this...including her. I'm not a home wrecker, and wished him all the best but I was so sad to see him appear happy with some else.

My problem is this: I feel I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting this man go. There's nothing I can do about it. I realize there will never be another man like him..ever.. I feel that my husband and I after 7 years of marriage (second sex partner), are never going to be compatible. I've been through a lot with my husband and I feel it's payback for letting go/hurting such a good man/relationship. I fell in lust with my husband he's was nice looking and nice, and I had a few self -esteem problems at the time.. Now at a wiser, more confident 29 I realize my first love was the best choice I could have ever made.

I find myself wishing I had married my first true love. Everyday I wish I had a do over and it's depressing. I can't get over how I let him go and now I'm very unhappy in my marriage because I can't find anything I really love about my husband. He doesn't abuse me, he's not a cheater, we're just so different and honestly I don't now why I married this man. It's like having a roomate with benefits. We share nothing in common (except our kids, and moral values), we're not even sexually in tune (never had an orgasm with him). As the years pass I feel like I've made my bed and now I gotta lie in it. Right now I'm passing the years by hanging in there for the kids wishing I could find another man as good as the one that got away. I not happy in my marriage but I'm too chicken to get a divorce. I feel I'll never be truly happy in my marriage but i'm in too deep, invested all my 20's, i have two kids. I want to start life over as a single mom but I can'tr take another hard life if it turns out to be a bad choice. Please give me some advice.

 
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Old 02-17-2007, 05:29 PM   #2
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brook65 HB User
Re: Ten years later..I realize I made a mistake

Hi I hope I can help a little.

First off we never forget our first love, they always hold a special place within. But having said that, you weren't in love with him, so by ending the relationship at that time, you did the right thing.

I bet the ONLY reason you now feel regret over splitting up with him, is purely because you are not happy with your present relationship. I bet that if you were now in a happy relationship, when you recently saw your first love, you would of just enjoyed his company, and enjoyed looking at his family photos, and that would be it! I think because you saw them as 'happy' it just highlighted your unhappiness with your partner, and then your mind starting thinking 'this could of been my husband'.

The point I am trying to make is, that don't be fooled by how you feel, I don't think you have REAL regret, you are just sad, confused, and in a subconscious way hoping for an escape route.

Also remember we often want what we can't have, and I would bet that if you suddenly got back with your ex tomorrow, I bet that in no time you would again be thinking, yes he is nice, but - 'I am not in love with him'.

Another thing is don't stay with someone just because you have spent most of your twenties with them and have had two children. You are still young, I split with my ex when I was 31 I am now 41 and have been with my now partner for nearly 7 years.

Are you someone who is scared to be single?

Don't look back in regret, the past is the past for a reason. Just look forward.

Last edited by brook65; 02-17-2007 at 05:34 PM.

 
Old 02-17-2007, 05:40 PM   #3
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: California
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try-ink HB User
Lightbulb Re: Ten years later..I realize I made a mistake

This is only what I think.......

Yikes!!!!

You are in a very tight position.

I don't think any of us can go back. All we can do is go forward.

Please, stop with the "what-if's"--If you continue to think that way....all it's going to do is make you even more depress.

He's happily married. Do you think, he is going to leave his wife and kids to be with you???(I just don't think, that's going to happen..anytime soon)

Yeah...I know....you still love him. But,-----there is nothing you can do now.

From what you are saying about your Husband......He sounds like a very good man. This is basically what a definition of a "happy family"-at least, that's what I think. Maybe....the only reason why you feel like your husband is just a benefit is because...You never allowed yourself to see him for who he is...please stop, comparing!

Now: let's just assume, okay?(I'm trying to make you feel better)
you divorce your husband......find a new guy, except this time--he's drinks too much, very abusive towards you and your kids.----You are going to regret it again. That is not what you want---and it will not happen, But, you have to......

I really don't know.............But, if you ask me, I will stay in the Marriage. Because, I know......someone else can steal him away from me as well.(and by the time you realize it again, it will be too late)

Best of luck

 
Old 02-17-2007, 06:32 PM   #4
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londa70 HB User
Re: Ten years later..I realize I made a mistake

Thanks so much for the advice Brook and Try. I think you're both right. I think if I was happy in my marriage I would have been happy for him and his wife. It's just hard to shake the what ifs. In the same vein I don't want to leave my husband for what i think is greener grass. My sister tells me i was very good to and for my ex but things just happen for a reason. Its like the perfect man doesn't exist. I just wish I had more in common with my husband like i had with my ex. I'll just take it a day at time because i have been crying these past couple of days. The night I saw my ex...I came home, laid next to my husband, and silently cried. I'm going to try and see the good in the life I currently have but I feel so empty and so sad. I'm also going to try and not blame myself for choices I made at 18. Nobody has it together at that age. I don't know I just don't want to be on my death bed one day wishing. I know plenty of people who found someone special later in life..I'm just scared of making another bad choice. I'll take it a day at a time as see what happens. Thanks again for your imput!

 
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