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Old 02-18-2007, 03:03 PM   #1
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Question I think my boyfriend might be gay

So I think my boyfriend (bf) of six months might be gay. There is a lot of background info but it is all important, so please bear with me. I have a masters degree in clinical psychology and took courses about working with gay clients/couples, etc, but I am still at a loss in this situation. I have read many of the online message boards, threads, etc about situations like this as well. I have consulted friends of all sorts, including a very close friend who is gay. I’m hoping some completely unbiased feedback will help.

My bf and I met through an online dating service. When I met him, I was blown away by the immediate spark I felt. I had never experienced anything like it. He is very educated, handsome, successful, and well-spoken. He seemed so “perfect” that I was intimidated by him for the first few months we dated. I remember red flags from the beginning: he dressed very different from other guys I knew his age (late 20’s, very early 30’s). His apartment is decorated nicer than most girls’ apartments I’ve seen, including my own (candles everywhere, “girly” curtains and other decorations, pictures of famous actresses on the walls).

He has two Pomeranians. He sings along to pop songs that most guys wouldn’t even admit to liking. He sometimes talks in an exaggerated “gay” voice, which comes out the most when he has been drinking. I know that none of these things individually nor the sum of any of them “mean” that he’s gay, but they stuck out to me and my friends, leading us to half-jokingly call him metrosexual.

He is very creative and artistic, and works in the film/video game industry. He is also a talented photographer. Several people I talked to suggested that many artistic/creative types may come across as gay when they are not. This helped to calm my concerns. For a while.

Here are some reasons he might not be gay: We had great sex from the beginning, which also helped. He also has a bad habit of checking out other women in front of me. It could mean he’s straight, or it’s something he was socialized to do to cover up in front of his guy friends. He loves sports, especially college football, which I hear is not too common for gay men in general. He tells me he loves me, which I believe.

He comes from a very affluent family. His sister is a former Miss America contender. He was raised in Catholic school, and his parents and sister are very staunch in their beliefs. If he came out as gay, it would not be good.

An important side note: About 2 ˝ months ago, I found out that he had a girlfriend when he joined the dating site and met me, and did not break up with her until we had been dating for over a month. He told me he had tried to break things off with her but her father passed away, so he waited until he felt she was more stable. That’s a whole other story, but the relevance is this: she and I talked on several occasions, and she asked me if I had ever wondered if he was gay. We discussed things that she and I both thought were “off” about him the things I mentioned above). Many of her friends met him and thought he was gay too. Another reason the story about her is relevant: Trust had been broken in our relationship when I found out about her, so I have often wondered if that fact is causing me to be paranoid, sabotage the relationship, whatever….
Anyway, I introduced him to a close gay friend of mine. The friend initially said he did not think he was gay, based on the fact that my boyfriend “seemed really into me” and did not give my friend the “gay vibe.” That analysis really calmed my nerves for a while.

Then last week, it all came back stronger than ever. I met my bf’s old college roommate. Several of us were at a bar and were a bit tipsy. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I think I asked the friend if he ever thought my bf was gay. The friend proceeded to tell me that all of their friends always thought he was gay. He went on to say that their friends had thought my bf had been in love with him. Not long after that, my bf came back to the table (tipsy) and began talking in his exaggerated gay voice. The friend and I looked at each other and started cracking up. I think my bf knew we had been talking about him because we would not answer when he asked what we were laughing.

I felt really crazy at that moment and ended up drinking a lot more to try to get my thoughts about the situation to stop. I went home with my bf that night and ended up breaking down crying when we went to bed. He asked me what was wrong, and I said, “You know you can tell me anything, right? And I will still love you.” But I couldn’t talk about it yet. The next morning he asked me what I had been upset about, and I still couldn’t tell him.

The next day, we went to a superbowl party. My roommate and my gay friend came. After having a few drinks, my bf’s possibly gay mannerisms started to show. My gay friend even saw them for the first time, in his interactions with other people. I asked my gay friend to come to my bf’s house that week to watch a movie. And to assess for gayness.

The friend noticed everything I mentioned earlier about my bf’s apartment, and said “I can see why you would be concerned.” A coworker of my bf’s as well as the coworkers wife came over for drinks a few days later. The coworker made many comments about the way the apartment was decorated, which led to a conversation about how my bf is known as a “primadonna” at work. This set me off in my head. The rest of that conversation is a bit hazy because my anxiety went through the roof, but I do remember the coworker saying very seriously, “Well, I’m glad that you see it too.”

A few minutes later, the wife saw a hot actor on tv and made a comment about him. Her husband responded by saying he heard he was gay. The wife and I came back saying we knew he wasn’t, he dated so and so… Then the coworker said maybe he’s in the closet. Meaning in terms of recent actors coming out, I said, “Oh, everybody’s in the closet.” The coworker look at my bf, who then pointed at me and defensively said “Be careful what you say!” We all froze, looking at each other like ***?? It became very uncomfortable, and it was somehow covered up by nervous, meaningless conversation.

Since that night, our sex life has seen a dramatic drop. My anxiety is terrible, and I am feeling depressed at the same time. He is currently looking to buy a house and wants me to move in with him. I want nothing more than to do that because I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. We have talked marriage already. But I don’t want to be the woman who finds out 10 years and 2 kids later that her husband is gay. I wish I could talk to him about it, but I believe that if he is indeed in the closet, he’s so far in that he doesn’t even admit it to himself. Last night, we were having dinner and drinks at a restaurant and he made a joke about being gay. Liquid courage let me say, “Please don’t joke about that. I can’t handle any more jokes about you being gay. I’ve had too much of it lately.” He said something about it being my friends saying things and I said it was actually his friends. At that point he dropped it. I would think that if he weren’t gay, he would have asked me what I was talking about. For me, if anything is ever said about me that is untrue, I want to know who said it, everything about what was said, etc. He was disinterested.

I invite any and all feedback. I know that there is a possibility that he isn’t gay at all, and a lot of things I’ve talked about are stereotypes. I know I am a bit insecure, and I know that our relationship has some trust issues. All of these things are contributing. But I have never had to question if a boyfriend was gay. Never even close. Please help. I don’t want to be a cover up.

 
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Old 02-18-2007, 04:44 PM   #2
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Let me start by saying I am a gay man, and I have always kind of known I was gay. I just barely came out last year (I was 23)... I remember when I was pretty deep in the closet when people made comments or asked me if I was I wouldn't say anything one way or the other, or I would try to change the subject quickly. Very hard to deal with.

Lucky for you, you have a gay friend, who didn't think he was gay. After coming to the apartment did he still think that? I cannot really tell you if he is gay or not without meeting him and looking him in the eyes (thats kinda how my gaydar works, and then even sometimes it still doesn't work)...

Everyone is different, depending on how they were raised and what their beliefs are. I can't imagine what it would be like to be gay and grow up in a staunch Catholic household. If he is gay, I bet he has some major issues, especially if he has been in the closet this long (not that I don't, believe me )

One thing in your post that kind of sets off a red flag for me is how when you talked to his old college buddy and he told you that all his old college friends thought he was gay. Another thing was when the "gay" mannerisms come out after he has had some alcohol, it reminds me of the saying, the truth comes out when your are drunk. Also, and this might just be me but, the 2 Pomeranians kind of seem a little suspicious to me too...

But, you have said that the sex was great in the beginning. I am the kind of gay guy that can't have sex with a woman, it is just not happening, LOL... Perhaps he is bisexual? I would also think about how the sex is too, or was. Was it a little strange on his part, did it seem awkward for him? Did it seem like he was trying too hard? Or, was it overly kinky, on his part?

Also, one of my best friends has people think he is gay all of the time. He acts pretty feminine a lot of the time. He does hair, is obsessed with fashion, loves clothes, gets his eyebrows done, etc.etc.etc. However, he is married and has two kids with one on the way, and loves his wife dearly. Do I think he is gay? I think about it a lot sometimes and my answer probably would have to be no, but, I don't exactly think he is 100% straight either. Now that automatically means gay to some people but, like I said I believe there is a spectrum that we all fit on somewhere... Is my friend living a gay lifestyle? No. Is he with a man? No. Has he done stuff with guys before? Yes (and he doesn't know I know, so it isn't something we talk about)....

Anyways, sorry for the novel post, and i don't even know if it helps you out that much but, it was just what I was thinking after I read your post...

Good Luck,

Sam

 
Old 02-18-2007, 04:47 PM   #3
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Wow. That is a crazy and frustrating situation. I guess my first question is whether you are turned off by your boyfriend's questionable sexuality. Assuming he isnt gay, do you think you'd even want to date him? Do you like the fact that although he is heterosexual he appears to have some homosexual stereotypical tendencies?
Unforunately, in my opinion, this is the kind of situation where speculation isnt going to get you far. You will be going back and forth in your head and analyzing every word/mannerism/action he takes to see whether he falls under the heterosexual category or the homosexual category. Therefore, I think you need to ask. Maybe you can ask in a way that inst as blunt as "are you gay?"..but more like "have u ever had a sexual relationship with a male"..in my opinion, in this day in age, many people experiment and it's important to know someones sexual past b/f u become sexually involved with them (specifically if you arent using condoms)..

obviously from your posting its impossible for anyone to say whether he is gay or not..perhaps he acts "feminine" sometimes because he was brought up in an enviroment which was extremely feminine? (ie, his sister being in pagaents)..

good luck though!

 
Old 02-18-2007, 05:12 PM   #4
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

This is what I think........

I guess......some people(like your BF) just don't want to be involve in conversation that he feels are useless. Maybe that is why he is quiet...Because he can sense what you and your friends are talking about.

The little comment that he made....was probably a way of telling you that he had it!!--enough already.

Just ask him. I agree with newyorklawyers replies about: asking him"Have you ever been in a sexual relationship with a male"

That way..the truth is out....at least...you can now make your decision, as to whether you want to continue or leave.

 
Old 02-18-2007, 05:42 PM   #5
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Perhaps, since it's already come out that his friends are talking a lot about the possibility of him being gay, you could use that to segue into a conversation with him about it. Tell him that they have mentioned thinking you are gay, tell him that they've even commented about it in front of him. Ask him why he thinks they do that, like, why his college roommate would think he might be gay. Tell him that it concerns you and you just want to know if there's anything he isn't telling you that has made this such a focus among his friends. Don't be accusing, but tell him that you see your relationship going far into the future, and that having a weight like that over the two of you is difficult.

 
Old 02-18-2007, 06:42 PM   #6
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Thanks Sam. My gay friend did have something different to say after he came to his apartment. He said he could see what I saw. He still insisted that it didn't mean he was gay, but it was possible.

In terms of the way he was raised, I know he has some issues with his father based on things he ex-girlfriend said. I've always wondered what that was about. He also told me that his parents reacted negatively when he told them he wanted to go to art school instead of studying business or law or something. I've met them twice, and I can totally see how doing something that wasn't part of their "plan" would make waves.

I had the same thought you did about the mannerisms coming out more when he is drinking. I too believe that the truth comes out when you are drunk. For me, I say things I wouldn't have the guts to say nomally. It's interesting that I've always been drinking when someone has made comments about him to me or when I have referenced his behaviors.

And about the sex. That was the ONE thing that I always fell back on if I became worried about it: we couldn't have such great sex if he's gay. I always told my best friend "He likes sex too much to be gay." (And I meant hetero sex, of course.) He initiated it a lot, etc. Nothing seemed awkward, but now I'm looking back and starting to second-guess. Anyway, it has drastically dropped off in the past 2 weeks, which just reinforces my anxiety.

I also believe in the hetero/homosexual spectrum. I have some bisexual tendencies myself. I have mentioned that to him, even hoping that it might open the lines of communication for him if he wanted to tell me anything. But he never has.

Thanks again for the response. Your perspective is very valuable.

 
Old 02-18-2007, 06:49 PM   #7
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Thanks, newyorklawyer. I don't know if I would say I am turned off by his questionable sexuality. If I was sure about his status, I would be totally fine with the characteristics. I am only concerned that there is something he is hiding from me. I would even be ok if he was bisexual, as long as he was honest.

You are SO right. I'm a therapist so I am the QUEEN of overanalyzing things. I thought I was able to let it go, accepting that he is metrosexual and leaving it at that. Then, all of a sudden, all of these things happened within a period of about a week that made it all come back.

I guess I could ask him if he as ever had an experience with a male. But I truly doubt that he has, because if I know him at all, he has completely denied any urges he has had. I am also afraid that he will flip if I ask him that.

 
Old 02-19-2007, 01:13 AM   #8
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

I think you need to ask him because if he is gay you need to know. I doubt you could have a long term relationship with someone who has kept a monumental secret from you.

Based on your description of him, to me he is at least metrosexual. I would say he fits the profile of homosexual however obviously that doesnt mean anything.


I would ask him, he has no right to keep something like that a secret from you.

Although you could get one of your guy friends who he has never seen before to start flurting with him in a nuetral place when your not around. You could then find out from your friend how he reacted.

Do you think he pursues guys in addition to you?

Last edited by Dang12; 02-19-2007 at 01:15 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2007, 05:08 AM   #9
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dang12 View Post
I think you need to ask him because if he is gay you need to know. I doubt you could have a long term relationship with someone who has kept a monumental secret from you.

I would ask him, he has no right to keep something like that a secret from you.

Although you could get one of your guy friends who he has never seen before to start flurting with him in a nuetral place when your not around. You could then find out from your friend how he reacted.

Do you think he pursues guys in addition to you?

I don't think so. Here is the main thing: If he's gay, I think he is so deeply closeted that he is in denial. I don't think he would feel that he is keeping it from me because he hasn't admitted it to himself. I know that I cannot be 100% sure that he i gay by posting on this board, describing him, and getting feedback. I am hoping, however, that the feedback I get can help me clarify some things in my head, which will hopefully lead me to make the decision on whether or not I want to stick around to find out if he ever comes out. It's self-preservation. If I come to find that there are enough serious red flags, I will probably get myself out of the situation.

 
Old 02-19-2007, 05:15 AM   #10
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

I agree with everyone else in that you simply must put this on the table and ask him. He's wanting some pretty serious commitment from you in the way of moving in. You two have already sort of tiptoed around the subject.

FWIW, based on what you've said, I agree with him being metrosexual. My DH majored in fine art with a minor in graphic design. We've been together for over 15 years. We were both raised in and around South Beach, Miami (very large -- and fun! -- gay community). Some of our best friends have been gay guys (a gay guy introduced us, as a matter of fact). DH works in an office full of straight guys who fit the description of your BF almost to a T. One of the guys (one of our very best friends) has five long-haired Chihuahuas. We've all talked before about how these men, our friends, are often perceived as being gay because they do care about how they look, the profession they chose, they do keep nice homes, they like good music, good wine, theater; how they don't live the "typical" bachelor lifestyle.

I guess my point is: The days of stereotypes are really over. Men have gotten a taste of tapping into their feminine sides and some like it, just as us women have gotten a taste of some masculine things, and we're liking it, too (how many of you ladies get "glazed over" in Home Depot?). You're not this man's parents. You have gay friends. You obviously accept people for who they are. He needs to understand you will accept him as a friend no matter what, but you want to clear the air and put your mind at ease in the intimacy department about his sexual orientation.

Last edited by StenoLady1; 02-19-2007 at 05:16 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2007, 05:22 AM   #11
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Hi - You seem to be almost convincing yourself that he is. The problem is, a bit like when we worry about something being physically wrong with us, we tune into everything, and can convince ourselves we actually have the disease we are worried about! I know it is not the same, but because you are worried he may be gay, you are picking up on everything, that perhaps you would not otherwise notice.

You say he is artistic, I do agree that some gay men have a tendency to have lovely homes, and be excellent at design and have great taste, But - remember there are also some gay men who are strong rugby types and very manly, so from that token there are obvioulsy straight rugby types, so we know that there are obvioulsy straight artistic flamboyant guys too.

I agree with the previous poster that he may well be bisexual, infact that is quite common.

Another point I would like to add, is that if he was gay, and scared to come out of the closet, don't you think with all the questioning he gets it would make it easier for him to say he was gay? Surely he would of admitted it by now?

You also said that you have bi tendacies, what was his reaction when you told him this? as I know that is a really big fantasy of straight guys. (most)

So personaly I would say he probably isn't. Also don't forget that guys who talk posh, can also be wrongly interpreted as sounding gay.

Good luck

Last edited by brook65; 02-19-2007 at 05:29 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2007, 08:40 AM   #12
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Since he's talking about buying a home with you and you're hopeful about a marriage/family with him...this MUST be talked about between the two of you. You don't want to become some tragic prop wife for the benefit of his Cathloic homophobic parents.

A few things that crossed my mind: If I were him, and weren't gay, I would be VERY offended to find out about all this "talking" going on behind my back. I would venture to say, I might even be so hurt by that (not the gay part)---that I would consider leaving you. I would feel that if you had these questions, you should be asking ME, not my ex gf, and not having gay spies come into the house to assess my interior decorating. These are complete strangers and have no right to put a label on me based on my dog breed preference or window treatments. I understand completely why you did this, but looking at it from his point of view....if I were NOT gay, I would be ******. However, it seems he realizes you are having these conversations. To what extent, I don't know, but the fact that he is not reacting negatively, is suspect. Silence is often the answer we don't want to hear.

On the flip side, everyone has different talents and gifts that make them who they are. It's not always fair to categorize people. I have unartisic manly gay friends and artistic feminine gay friends. You said your bf was artistic and there are artistic hetero men too. I know they're confusing, because they're not the norm. One thing I've noticed is that there's just something about an artist's genetic makeup--that make them appear more sensitive than others. Society tends to equate "sensitive" with female. Obviously, all artists are not female and all artists are not gay.

I can offer you two (personal) examples that contradict the gay norm. In one case I FELT the man wasn't being honest with me. In one case, I later found out, that the man had not been honest with me. Both men were "men's men", had dated women, and had "dude's" apartments. When it finally came to sleeping with them, both men gave me similar vibes....even though I had met them 10 years apart and didn't realize it at the time.

One man was my BEST friend's brother. The chemistry was there, he'd had a live in (ex) gf for a few years, and had been heartbroken when she'd cheated on him. He asked me to move in with him before we'd even slept together, but I hesitated. There was just this weird feeling when we got REALLY close. I couldn't put my finger on it. I had been sitting on his lap, we'd been kissing---and it felt like he should say or do something more than he was, but he wasn't. Again, I can't describe what that "something more" was. It was just there, and even though my experience with hetero men was that NOTHING could keep them off you, throwing me down wasn't the "it" that was missing. It was something in the eyes. Even though we continued to date after that night, we never slept together and I never moved in or pursued a relationship with him. My friend ripped me a new one for "stringing him along." A year later, she called me in a panic to say that he'd come out and did I know? I'd said no, but for some reason, wasn't surprised. Something just hadn't seemed right. So my point is...if something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. Hopefully, he will give you the truth when you ask. He has now been in a relationship with a man for the past 10 years.

I later dated an artistic hetero man (musician/songwriter).....whom I wondered about as well. He seemingly loved attention from women, was actually better dressed than my friend's brother, and loved sports....but he seemed a little weird in the bedroom....like he didn't know what to do with a woman. He's also made some off comments--one being that he felt he would have been a successful gay man--whatever that meant. Another time, I saw an interaction between him and another man we knew--the guy was patting him on the back and squeezing his shoulder....that made the hairs on my arm stand up. It just looked intimate. Not one of those good ol' boy slaps. He got this soft, wistful look on his face. Yet when I once joked about him and his attached-to-the-hip friend, (we'll call him Mike) he got really mad, indicated his erection, and said, "does this look gay to you?" I'm sure it wasn't the best idea to bring it up in bed, but it had been on my mind--like you---Long story short, he had a very guarded personality, never married, and never lived with anyone. I even got feelings that maybe he'd been molested by a priest at one time. He and my friend's brother had many similarities that I can't articulate. Neither men grew up with a father in their household.

Sorry so long winded. Bottom line, take away the curtains, dogs, and nice clothes. Both the gay/bi men I described had none of those things. Instead, if you feel that something is not quite right when you are naked with him, or if you feel his lack of denial is unsettling.....you have something to be worried about. I hope all works out for the best~

Last edited by vintagegirl; 02-19-2007 at 10:31 AM.

 
Old 02-19-2007, 05:40 PM   #13
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Quote:
Originally Posted by brook65 View Post

Another point I would like to add, is that if he was gay, and scared to come out of the closet, don't you think with all the questioning he gets it would make it easier for him to say he was gay? Surely he would of admitted it by now?

You also said that you have bi tendacies, what was his reaction when you told him this? as I know that is a really big fantasy of straight guys. (most)
I actually don't know how much questioning he actually gets anymore. Other than the few light references I have made, which he has dismissed without mush of a response. All of the references made by his friends recently have been to me, and without him knowing exactly what was said. I don't know that any number of people questioning him would ever make it so he would just admit it.

I have mentioned the fact that I have bi tendencies a couple of times. He didn't really seem to care (which worried me). Actually, at dinner on valentines day, it came up, I used it as a segueway into talking about threesomes. I am not interested in having one with him, but I wanted to see his response. He said he would probably have one with two girls. Then I pushed the issue to see how he would feel about two guys. He said he didn't think he could, and I asked him "what's the difference?", telling him that I looked at it as pretty much the same situation. I felt like making it clear that I was okay with any type of sexual interaction might make him more comfortable indicating an interest on his part. He said that he would be "grossed out" by having another guy involved. All in all, he said he wouldn't want a threesome because he would get jealous seeing me with someone else.

One would think that him saying he would be "grossed out" by having another man involved would indicate he is not gay or bi. But I felt like he may have been saying what he thought I wanted to hear....

 
Old 02-19-2007, 05:45 PM   #14
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Unhappy Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

Quote:
Originally Posted by vintagegirl View Post
Sorry so long winded. Bottom line, take away the curtains, dogs, and nice clothes. Both the gay/bi men I described had none of those things. Instead, if you feel that something is not quite right when you are naked with him, or if you feel his lack of denial is unsettling.....you have something to be worried about. I hope all works out for the best~
It is so confusing because it has never felt weird when we are together sexually. BUT, his lack of denial IS unsettling.

I know I have to talk to him. The question now is how.....

 
Old 02-19-2007, 06:15 PM   #15
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Re: I think my boyfriend might be gay

This is a tough call. From one perspective, I can see how all of those things may add up to him being gay. But from another perspective, he might just be one of those really effeminate guys. They're out there you know, they're not gay, they're just more effeminate than masculine.

There's really no way to know for sure. But I think if he were truly gay then he would not be able to have sex with you. Guys who are gay just don't want to have sex with women at all. If your sex life is normal then I don't think you really have too much of a reason to think he's gay. But if your sex life was weird, then you'd probably have to start worrying.

 
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