honestly, I give you a lot of credit for being able to look back on your actions and say that you overreacted, are pushing your bf away, etc. A lot of people don't have the ability to do that. Some people who have issues are completely oblivious to any "wrong" that they do. And don't take that the wrong way--i'm not trying to say you're crazy or anything. But lots of people have imbalances, mild depression, etc--I'm not a psychologist so I can't even begin to speculate about possible things going on with you. What I will say is, your actions and thoughts show that you have the potential to overcome whatever is causing you to do the things you do. You obviously WANT to help yourself, because you've recognized these things and are seeking advice. So, if you're in school, and there's a counselor that you could speak to, I strongly recommend that you do it. Sometimes talking to people help you sort out what's going on in your life so that you can figure out what is causing you to feel the way that you do. It doesn't have to be a big thing to be scared of. Most of the time, you can go in and talk about what you want to talk about with a counselor, figure out if you feel comfortable with him or her. Go from there. These things are very often genetic. How is your mother now? Maybe she "fakes happiness" like you do. Maybe talking to her could break some ice. Maybe she could tell you how she dealt with things, maybe she might even be interested in talking to someone too. You have a lot of options, and a lot of time to figure yourself out and live a long, happy life afterward. Don't be scared to talk to somebody, really! And don't think the only option for you is to be put on meds, either. You seem like you have an attitude that would really benefit from counseling, because you want to be happier, you want to help yourself, and a lot of people don't feel that way. Good luck and keep us posted, we're all here to listen and offer words of advice and support.