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Old 02-20-2007, 07:39 AM   #1
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Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

I really need some support and advice. I'm a 23 year old female who has dated the same guy for the past 8 years. We got engaged 3 years and 2 months ago. When I first met him I was this happy girl who had lots of friends and was involved in school. As my relationship progressed he started being very controling over the fact that I had friends and did things with them. He played mind games with me and slowly I broke away from my friends and started feeling like I was nothing. He really broke me down to the point where I felt like I needed him to be complete and to feel good about myself. I stopped loving myself and turned the focus to loving him. Now, I'm engaged to him but I don't feel like an engaged woman should. In fact, he and I haven't planned anything for a wedding and have no intentions of doing so. Neither one of us really want to do that any time soon...but I don't know what he asked me to and I don't know why I said yes. Maybe I felt like it was the next step if I was going to stay with him. Anyway, I didn't go to college after high school. I just never couldn't decide on what I wanted to do with my life and I had no drive anymore. I had a good job with a major insurance company for awhile but became so depressed with my life that I stopped working there and felt like I couldn't get out of bed anymore. I live at home with my parents and have reached a bottom, in my opinion. I use to be this beautiful girl with all these great guys who wanted to date me but I picked the one who treated me like crap. I've gained 25 pounds in the past 2-3 years and that didn't help me feel any better about myself. I've gotten to where I depend on him. I feel like I have to have him there or I'll go crazy. Last night he told me that he was taking a trip to Florida with his friend and that I couldn't go. It bothered me for several reasons. 1- He would flip his lid if I ever tried to do something like that and make my life hell if I did go (which I wouldn't) and 2- It isn't fair to me that he can go on a trip and leave me here alone. 3- what is he going to do there that I can't go??? I didn't let him come over last night because I was so upset. He yelled at me and had this attitude like he was going and there was nothing I could do to stop him, etc. He never takes trips with me and he doesn't even want to spend much time with me anymore either so for him to make plans with a guy over me really hurts. I have no one to talk to about this except for my parents who tell me I need to get a job and meet people...that I need to joint a gym and meet people...that I need to get involved and let him sit at home and don't answer the phone to him.... They say that I could do so much better but for some reason I don't feel like I could. I feel like I can't breath just knowing that things could be over between us.....it isn't healthy to feel this way about anyone (especially someone who is verbally abusive) but I don't know how to break away and I dont know how to stop. I think it might be easier if I had friends to go out with and get my mind off of him but I dont. I'm by myself and I don't know how to work through this. Should I ignore him??? I just don't know how to move on and go on with my life....I feel so deeply depressed that I can't focus on anything but him.......... PLEASE HELP ME
And about the whole marriage thing, I know that he isn't the one for me...I really do know that...and I'm glad that we aren't married..but it hurts to know that I've spent 8 years of my life with someone and they don't want to marry me...I've done nothing to him to make him not want me...he's done everything to hurt me so I have my reasons....
Should I talk to him??? Should I be ok about this trip???? Should I break up with him???? Ignore him???? Give the ring back now???PLEASE....I really need help...It just isn't easy to say goodbye to someone you really love..... He was my first everything...My period is now late (but it always is) and I don't know if it is from stress or what.... I've taken 3 tests and all are negative...we use a condom but it lingers in the back of my mind so I'm also dealing with that..... my life feels like its over but yet I still have to live in this sadness every day. There is no escape from it and I feel like I'm going crazy with greef and sadness..

 
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Old 02-20-2007, 08:42 AM   #2
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

You need to break up with this guy and listen to your parents. They are correct. They love you, are putting a roof over your head and obviously care about you. Listen to your parents! You do need to get out, go to the gym, get a job, make some new friends ... just generally start to feel good about yourself again. Be thankful you have them in the house with you! So many women are in your shoes and have absolutely no in-house support.

I realize this guy was your "first" everything. You met when you were a child, tho. You still have your entire life ahead of you. The best years are still ahead of you, IMO. Look at it this way: Think about the way this guy has made you feel during high school, turning 18, turning 21. Do you want more of the same when you're 25, when you're 30, when you're 35? Life is really about milestones and achievements. How many more milestones and achievements do you want to sacrifice over somebody who makes you feel awful?

You need for something to make the light bulb go off for you and realize life is waaaayyy to short to put up with someone like this. The light bulb for me was when I was 20 and in an awful relationship. We were fighting more than we were getting along. I was crying more than I was laughing. One day, I was crying over this guy, and my little brother, who was seven at the time, asked me so innocently why I stay with someone who makes me cry all the time. I really had no answer for him. His question sure made me think, tho, and I dumped my ex the next day. I'm so glad, too, because I met my now-DH several months later, and he'd rather gouge out his eyes with an icepick than ever see me cry.

I hope the light bulb goes off for you very soon.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 09:17 AM   #3
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

I know you feel bad about 8 years of your life "wasted," but you know what would be even sadder? 8 years and one day. You must break up with this guy RIGHT NOW, pawn or sell the ring and use the money to pay off bills, and do something nice for yourself. You should never, EVER love someone more than you love yourself, I know that's such a romantic notion, and people say that a true, selfless love means that you love that person more than yourself, but that DOES NOT include letting that person use you as their door mat. You are still so young, I know it may not feel like it, but believe me, 23 is YOUNG, you still have time to go to college, you still have time to find the love of your life, settle down, have kids, all that stuff. But you won't be young forever, and soon you won't have so much time. Now is the time to get your life in gear, but you have to make the choice. Obviously, I'm sure you can see that a man who makes you so depressed and sad that you can't work a good job is a man that should NOT be in your life, you get that, right? You only have this one life, and only you can give someone permission to come into it and mess it up. I don't think you really love this man, I think you've just gotten so used to be addicted to him, addicted to the fleeting moments of hugs and cuddles that you, somewhere along the line, decided that those small, tiny moments you get from him were worth al the crap that comes in between, and worth tossing away your self esteem.

Your parents are right, but they can't get this guy out of your life for you. They can't hit the gym and knock off a couple of pounds for you. They can't apply for another good job and work it for you. The first thing you have to do is start feeling better about yourself, about being alive, step by step. Today, take a nice long walk in a pretty park or your favorite part of town, hopefully you are blessed with a nice, sunny day today. Soak up some of it. Enjoy the fresh air, the beautiful flowers, the feeling of being free to think your own thoughts, of being in your own company. Treat yourself to a movie, a new lip stick, a new shade of nail polish, something like that. Take a day to just be good to yourself, and every time you find yourself thinking of him, force your thoughts in another direction. Let him go on this trip to Florida. You shouldn't be upset about it. It's the best thing that could happen to you right now. Lie to him if you have to, tell him you wish you could come along, but if he wants to go alone, you'll accept that. And then treat the time away from him like the gift that it is. Take stock of how you feel when he's not around to yell at you, criticize you, argue with you, etc. I think once you taste the freedom from his oppressive, abusive ways, you'll never want to go back, nor should you. Your parents love you soooooo much more than this man could ever hope to, and they know what is best for you. You are lucky to have their love and support. Take advantage of it while you have it. Make the choice to take control of your life and start building a life that you can be happy with. This man does NOT make you happy, or else you'd be on top of the world, but you are at the bottom of the depths of despair. He does not make you happy, so you need to examine why you are so unwilling to let him go. It's not because he's good to you or for you, it's not because he makes you feel better, stronger, smarter, it's not because he makes you happy, so why is it? deal with that honestly and go from there.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 10:31 AM   #4
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

Thank you both for your advice. I'm in tears after reading your post's. In answer to the last post as to why I've let him do this to me... I don't have one certain thing that I can reason out. I've let it get this far because I've become so isolated and addicted to this man. I have no real reason to hate myself but I've learned to hate me. I can't even explain it but it is there. I went through my room about an hour ago and put everything of his in a box and taped it up. I'm thinking of dropping it on my driveway and letting him come get it. It breaks my heart to look back at how happy I use to be (before him) and how much better I felt about my life. I passed up some really nice guys along these 8 years who both told me that this guy wasn't right for me. They warned me then. One of them was heartbroken that I wouldn't give him a chance and I remember him saying "I know that you wont pick me, but promise me that you wont end up with him" I think I've brainwashed myself into believing that love is about sacrafice. I'm sure that it is to a degree but this is obviously out of control. I've allowed this to happen so I can't blame him completely. I have my moments through the day where I start to feel stronger and good about trying to move on... Then out of the blue it will hit me that I'll be sitting alone tonight.
What did I ever see in him???? What do I still see in him???? He wasn't even loving... He shows no emotion and only a few times can I look back and remember a tender moment. They were few and far between.
The hardest part is not having anyone friends anymore.
My parents love me more then anyone. My father told me to be thankful that I still have both my parents. He said he'd give anything to have his mother and father back. They have supported me in everything I've ever gone for...except for him. They allowed him into there home but never thought that he was the one for me. My mom knew this from day 1. She just has a feeling but I didn't listen.
I know things will get better with time. I just dread the tears and heartache that is approaching.
I'm going to challenge myself to go out on Monday and job hunt. I would do it this week but it's just too much all at once and I don't think I'd be so focused if I tried to do it today.
One good thing about this is that I'm eating out of being bored anymore. Stress like this always changes my eating habits so maybe I'll benefit.
Again, thank you for your support. Between you guys and my parents, I hope to get through this easier...if that is possible. :-(....
Maybe I'll try to contact my best friend from childhood. I haven't talked to her in about 3 years and I know she's got a degree and moved 12 hours away...I'm almost embarassed to tell her about my life since it sounds so pathetic but maybe she'll understand. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and try to pick up these broken pieces. I'll keep you posted.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 10:34 AM   #5
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

I forgot to ask...is it best that I ignore his calls right now (at least for tonight) and let him sit there without me for several night or should I go ahead and try to talk to him? I just dont want to cave and I'd like to have all my thought collected before I really have a "talk" with him. What do you think is best?

 
Old 02-20-2007, 12:43 PM   #6
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

first off im gonna answer your question about you calling him. if yous broke up then no dont talk to him even if he calls dont pick up the phone. i know easier said then done ive been where your at right now and 5 years later im so glad im not with this guy anymore. we were togther for 2 years i met him when i was 17 and ended it when i was 19. this guy was a jerk he cheated on me he used drugs crack and herion and was very controlling with me it was ok for him to sleep with other girls if i just said hi to a guy he flipped on me i was every name in the book. my last straw was when i became pregnant with his baby at first i thought hell change well have this baby and hell become this diffrent guy i was sooo wrong he still cheated on me when i was pregnant i found out confronted him and he had the nerve to tell me he wanted both of us i dont think so i was 3 months pregnant than. about a week later i lost the baby so it made everything so much worse. the doctor told me it was due to stress that was the only explanition they had for me. and ill tell you for awhile its gonna be hard like my mom said i looked like a walking zombie thats how depressed i was but after a month of doing that i realized i was wasting my life i lost all this weight from not eating i just looked a mess. so i decided to go on a dating service a phone one at first i thought it was way to soon because to me all these guys on there sounding the same to me. i was just about to hang up and this guy sent me a message he sounded really nice we talked on the phone for 4 hours than decided to meet. now i can honestly say im very happy 5 years later me and this guy still togther we have our 3 year old son togther he just turned 3 february 13. and were engaged were planning on getting married augest 13 2008. this guy is everything to me and i can actually laugh with him all the time. i still think about my child i lost but when i do i look at my son now and realise it all happend for a reason. i know this is so long but i figure i would tell you my storey so you know your not the only one to go through this. but what ever you do dont answer his phone calls if hes anything like all thses guys out there hes gonna sweet talk you so yous dont break up and than a month later be that same guy again. you should be with a good guy not with a jerk.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 01:41 PM   #7
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

To the last poster: I'm so glad that you told me about your story. It is nice hearing from people and knowing that I'm not alone. We haven't broken up yet. In fact, we were in the car when it all started and I was so upset that I told him to just go back home and I ran in my house. He kept saying no I'm not..and I just slammed the door. So, I'm not sure where he stands at this point but I'm just so down. I want to give in so bad because I'm scared to be alone. I hate feeling so pathetic. I wish I could be a strong woman and just deal with it...I mean, I'm going to have to just do that...go cold turkey so to speak. I'm not sure if he'll call or not. He usually calls on the way home from work (around 5-5:30) but he might be too ****** to call....even though he isn't the one with a reason to be ****** at all. I guess it could always be worse............. I just hope and pray that I'm not pregnant. My period is always late but I can't help but worry. This must all just be happening to test my strength.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 03:32 PM   #8
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

He hasn't called so I'm sure that he is playing another little game where he's not going to be the first to call. So, I ended up calling an old friend who I haven't talked to in a long time. Turns out that we are going to hang out tonight and watch a movie. I feel much better knowing that I'll be somewhere for at least 2 hours of my night and not at home thinking about him. :-)

 
Old 02-20-2007, 04:10 PM   #9
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Catherine83 View Post
He hasn't called so I'm sure that he is playing another little game where he's not going to be the first to call. So, I ended up calling an old friend who I haven't talked to in a long time. Turns out that we are going to hang out tonight and watch a movie. I feel much better knowing that I'll be somewhere for at least 2 hours of my night and not at home thinking about him. :-)
Good for you! Hang tough. I really don't see any reason for you to talk to him at all ever again. If he calls you, tell him you're done and that's it. I'm glad you connected with your friend. Enjoy your movie and have a nice visit. Hang in there.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 04:30 PM   #10
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

Hi,

Have you heard of a psychological theory called learned helplessness? its a major theory to explain why people (usualy women) stay in abusive relationships, centered around the fact that a belief that success won't come (you may not even be aware of it unless you sit down and really analyze your situaion objectively), which therefore produces a pattern of low motivation and reduced effort...

learned helplessness actually reformats some of your brains neural pathways and that helps to keep an abused/controlled person in their current situation.

i cannot personally relate to what you are going through, but i thought if you can do a search on this theory it may help you realize you are not alone and what controlling behaviour of one person can produce in another. maybe some logical knowledge will help you to temper your emotions (ie like going back to him when you leave him).

take care

 
Old 02-20-2007, 06:23 PM   #11
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

I've been following the progression of this story and I had to chime in with my experience.

I was in an 8 year relationship that went exactly nowhere. We were never even engaged. He too was controlling and verbally abusive, and although he never actually hit me, some of the other stuff he did was really much worse than that.

I tried to break up with him a lot over those 8 years. I was 22 when we started dating. I look back on it now and wish that I would have had the strength to end it sooner. This is 8 years of my life that I will never get back. 8 years of my 20s just gone! I still regret it to this day, but I try not to dwell on it because it just angers me so much.

Like you, I was terrified of being alone. It was this fear that kept me with him, not because of any kind of love, because by the time I finally ended it, I was so completely out of love with him that I don't even know what I saw in him in the first place!

It was hard at first. I was so scared! After being in a relationship for that long, it was hard to know who I was, what to do with myself, where to go, etc. etc. But...time passed and I spent time working on me and doing things that pleased me and I realized that even in my lonliest times, I was still happier than I ever was while I was with him. Because I can guarantee to you that being alone and knowing that your life belongs to you and only you beats being chained to some loser guy who makes your life miserable.

You can learn a lot from yourself from being alone. I learned so much about myself and I finally had the time to experience things that I could never experience when I was with that idiot.

You need to end this right now. Please don't waste another minute in this relationship that is going absolutely nowhere. It sucks to waste 8 years of your life with a complete loser, but the great news is that you don't have to waste another minute!! Not another second! Be done with it now. It's over. There is nothing left for you in this relationship.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 06:35 PM   #12
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

My sister was and is in an abusive relationship. Not a day goes by that I do not hope that she eventually leaves this man. I have seen him destory 12 years of her life and have seen a gorgeous girl (and she still is beautiful) waste some precious years of her life. I think you will need help through with this, my sister has very very low self esteem. Could your parents help you get some counselling to make you stronger, rebuild your self worth and ultimately make you 100% clear on how you do not want to waste any more precious years on someone who feels so bad and ugly about themselves that they have to keep you in the gutter with them. Rise above this person, and work on making yourself better, and have the life that he will never be able to obtain (and believe me he is bitter because he hates himself and knows that he can only feel better if he keeps you down like a dog).

Big hug.....life can be beautiful, there is a whole wonderful future out there waiting for you, you just have to work for it, and don't accept anyone holding you down.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 06:36 PM   #13
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

Oh and I should mention my sister has a little boy to this scum, this little boy now has to live through this abuse also!! Don't do it to yourself, and certainly don't bring a child into that hell.

 
Old 02-20-2007, 07:58 PM   #14
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

Sorry to hear about your situation...but, if I were in your shoes...I would:

1) try to talk to him in a way...that doesn't cause anymore arguments.
--"honey this...and baby this...."--It's hard...because all you want to say to this man right now is "you're stupid!...what a jerk....or you a$$ hole"

2) Stay in the relationship, but...in the meantime, try to better yourself. I would get some sort of training...so that I can land a job that pays a decent amount.

3) exercise....loose a few pounds......and maybe meet a guy that appreiciate me more.

It is very tough...I know, to just throw away or to walk away from a 8 year relationship. And...it's more harder to leave..when you don't have a job and you sort of depend on him...for certain things.

I think...you have the will power to do it...but, your mind is just so stuck in this relationship all the time.

Take in one day at a time. If you do work..then go to the gym. Because at least..you are not wasting time. (sitting around watching tv is not doing anything for you)

best of luck

 
Old 02-20-2007, 08:50 PM   #15
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Re: Deeply Depressed B/C of Controling Boyfriend

Thanks again for all of your help! It really makes me feel better to read what everyone has to say about it. I just got home from my friends house. At first I was excited while driving over there...then I got there and for some reason started feeling sad. BUT I pushed through it and smiled even though I was hurting inside...I faked it and by the time I went home (3 hours later) I felt good about being out with someone other then him tonight. What was so funny is my mom called me around 10:30 to tell me that she saw him driving up and down the road in front of my house and he then pulled in the driveway and then went home. He just wanted to see if my car was home or not. My mother says that I need to either be gone every night for a while or hide my car in the garage...let him worry. Did I mention that he lives RIGHT DOWN THE STREET and can see my driveway from his house....YEAH... BUT he NEVER CALLED...and I'm sure not calling him. I must admit that being out of the house tonight and spending time with someone different was refreshing...it was scaring because I was out of my norm...but it was good for me.

Also, I forgot who is was who said this but it was someone who talked about also being in an 8 year relationship in their 20's.... You hit the nail on the head when you said that you didn't really love him..you were just scared to be alone. That is me. I realized that when I read what you wrote and that is exactly how I feel. He brought nothing to my life but pain and there was nothing to love....and I've gotten mixed up with my concept of love verses not wanting to be alone. It is sad really when you stop and think about it. But, it has been a LONG time coming and I know deep in my heart that it needed to happen. I only hope that he will one day see the pain that he has caused and never treat anyone else the way he has treated me. Of course, if you knew this guy then you would know that he'll never realize that. It is his way or no way and he is always right....always... YOU CANT ARGUE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THAT AND YOU CAN'T EVER MAKE THEM OPEN THEIR EYES AND SEE THE TRUTH... He is ignorant and full of pride. He wants to win... As for me, I don't care about winning. If I'm wrong then I'll say it and I'd rather make things right with someone then to win. I'll keep you posted if anything else happens. BUT IM NOT CALLING HIM!!!!!!!!

 
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