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Old 02-21-2007, 11:00 AM   #1
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Female Friend

Okay, so heres my story
I've been in a long distance relationship with my bf for about 2 years now. He is married but "seperated" in their home. His wife doesn't know about me because he will loose everything in the divorce or something along those lines. Although I'm sure there are other reasons she doesn't know about me, that doesn't really bother me. For he has two kids hes protecting as well. I go and visit him once every 3-4 months or so for about a week. He really is the nicest person i've ever met and would and does everything he possibly can for me. I'm 20 years younger than him, I'm 21 hes 41. He was abused mentally as a child and abandonded at 10, left alone in life. None the less he was forced to grow up quickly. Now hes more laid back and doesn't act as a normal 41 year old would. Not that thats a bad thing.

Anyways he has a great deal of respect for woman and trys to make everyone feel special, no matter who it is or what theyve done to him. In other words he cares too much and tries to fix everything even if its not possible to fix. For example, when he leaves his wife, he plans on buying a new car for her, and a new home, he says it's for his kids but, i beleive is also guilt. He works with a girl a little older than me, 24 or so who is addicted to cocaine and was and is again in an abusive relationship. He always tells me stories of how he brags he has a trophy gf and such even to this girl, or so he says. Before i went to visit hiim, I heard little from him, he was going out every nite with this girl and her brother and their friends and drinking. This is when she was broken up with her controlling bf. I went to visit him for a week and he was texting her daily. Sometimes she'd say to say hi to me and so on. Also talking about his work and whats going on there. While he was busy or other

I went in his phone and he had texted this woman "good morning sexy". I broke down on the spot and he asked me what was wrong i told him. He said thats just how he talks to women and that shes not what he wants, i'm what he wants and so on. Now her parents forbid her to talk to him because of their age difference and so on and her bf who shes back together with again, won't let her have male friends. He was heartbroken and sad all weekend because he can't be this girls friend anymore or his drinking buddy. I guess I'm just ranting and wanted my story to be heard, as I can't talk to anyone about this. Is it just in a mans blood to call women as he sees. I wish I never looked at his phone for this reason. What I don't know can't hurt me i guess.


I do love him alot, more than anyone in this world and have waited a long time to be with him and it will be a little longer till i can be with him. Any thoughts or opinions would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading.

 
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Old 02-21-2007, 11:24 AM   #2
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Re: Female Friend

You have painted the classic picture of a man who is a woman-user. He is unfaithful to his wife, to you, to the 24-year-old, and especially to his kids. A man like this will not leave his wife. "Separated," in the same house? What does that mean?

Even the history of abuse and neglect that he claims is highly suspicious; it sounds like a ploy to get compassion and attention.

I am sorry that you are involved with him, and I hope I am wrong. But I doubt it, and I hope that you can end this before it ends in heartbreak for you.

 
Old 02-21-2007, 11:29 AM   #3
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Re: Female Friend

Hello,
I know you love this man, but there are some warning signs you seem to not want to see.
1) The text message saying "Hi sexy" to another female. There is absolutely no reason a man who is in love would text this to another female. The excuse that "that's how I talk to women" is just an excuse. He gets a thrill out of saying that sort of thing; he knows it's not the behavior of a man who is commited and in love; he doesn't care, because he knows you will wait for him for as long as it takes.
2) He is still living with his wife. The excuse that he doesn't want to lose everything in the divorce and that he has children are, again, excuses. Plenty of people separate, move out, divorce, and move on. He does not want to move on at this point. You could be waiting years and years and he may never truly commit to only you! Sure he'll lose a lot if he divorces -- but usually assets are split 50%/50% and most states don't require him to pay alimony (though he will have to pay child support). But even if he had to pay alimony and lose a lot, if he wanted to divorce and move on and start a life with you, he would. Trust me, you don't want to waste your youth, your prime waiting...waiting...waiting...
3) He complains about losing everything in a divorce, then says he plans to buy his wife a car. Hello?
4) He calls you his "trophy girlfriend." That is not the sign of a man who is in love and wants to get married. That is the sign of a man who wants a trophy girlfriend, will tell her whatever he has to to keep her around, and doesn't want to make a commitment.
5) He doesn't want his wife to know about you. That is because you are his "back-up," and she is his priority.

I hope you do not feel hurt or offended by what I'm writing. The thing about men is, you really need to look at their actions, not their words, to see what it is they really want. If you forget his words, is he actually DOING anything that show he wants a real realtionship with you?
Again, I know you love him, but you really truly deserve so much more.

I think you should start talking to other guys, preferably in their 20's, and dating some. It doesn't hurt to date, to be open to finding love with someone else. You don't have to rush anything, just date others, too, and see how many great guys there are out there who will actually want a REAL relationship.

I know how hard it is to even think about letting go or starting another relationship, but it doesn't hurt to think about it.

 
Old 02-21-2007, 11:32 AM   #4
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Re: Female Friend

What I ment by seperated in the same house was they live together, but he sleeps in the living room she sleeps in what used to be their bedroom. Basically in it for the kids. Because he was so abanonded in the past he doesn't want to do the same to his kids.

Thanks for the reply, but I do not beleive he is what you say. He is wonderfull to his kids and to me.
I've been in this relationship for 2 years and until the other week, he's given me every free moment he has.
He really is a very nice man and we get along great and have so much in common despite the age gap.

 
Old 02-21-2007, 11:38 AM   #5
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Re: Female Friend

Plas: I appreciate your reply, I guess I should have expected comments such as these. It doesn't really hurt my feelings no, I find it hard to judge a man you don't know based soely on my words. There are more reasons he hasn't broken up with his wife. I guess you call them excuses. Such as going to school, he' d have to quit school because he wouldn't be able to afford to live, pay her and pay for school.
And I have dated people my age, and have got nothing in return like i get from him.
Again, thank you for the replys

Last edited by Canadian101; 02-21-2007 at 11:39 AM.

 
Old 02-21-2007, 11:46 AM   #6
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Re: Female Friend

I think some men enjoy the ego boost of flirting with young pretty women, and it could be harmless, but I personally find it inappropriate for the very reason that you're dealing with. It blurs lines and hurts feelings, and a man in a commited relationship has no business telling another woman "good morning sexy" no matter how harmless he may think it is. BUT...if you want to stay with this guy, and it seems you really do, then you're going to have to overlook it. You won't change him, and you cannot force his to stop doing things he wants to do and sees no harm in. I think you're just going to have to wait and tough it out and hope he's everything you think he is. It all sounds fishy to me as well, but you know him much better than we all do, so....

 
Old 02-21-2007, 11:56 AM   #7
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Re: Female Friend

Larry: First off, thanks for the respond. I have asked a few friends what they would do if presented in the same situation, regarding the text message. They also said it could be an ego boosting type thing. He's always really nice to everyone especially women, never to shy to say he thinks a woman is pretty. I know I'm probably making things sound worse, but he really is a good guy. Furthermore, when I did confront him, he asked me if I wanted him to change that, I said no. (knowing that he would have to want to change that) I wanted to say yes, but knew it could only make things worse. He did go on to, not talk or text her nearly as much the following few days and made it a point to show me what he and her were both saying.
Thanks for your time and opinions

 
Old 02-21-2007, 03:11 PM   #8
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Re: Female Friend

girl you're wasting your youth on this clown. what are you doing tying yourself down long distance to an old guy who belongs to someone else? I'm sure you would be much happier with a guy closer in age and closer in distance to you, and also one that's not still living with his WIFE......that's right.....WIFE. Sleeping on the couch or not.....and I wouldn't even believe that line. he's using you, he's using her, he's just a user......he's untrustworthy, and unfaithful.....what could you possibly see in him? Really, please tell me what's so great about this guy that you are willing to toss away your life?

 
Old 02-21-2007, 03:36 PM   #9
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Re: Female Friend

Hi Canadian,

I really feel bad for you because you fell into this guy's trap and I hope you see yourself out of it.

Many years ago I was seeing a guy that also "claimed" to be separated from his wife (but living in the same house) and he told me similar words that this guy told you. Well, many months later I get a telephone call, guess who? His wife!

I never saw this liar again, I found out through friends that he is still with his wife and kids, he never planned on leaving her like he told me.

This guy is not your friend, he is honestly using you. Please get out of this relationship as fast as you can and find a nice guy that's closer to your age that is not committed to anyone. Married men always stayed married and will tell you anything in order to get you in bed. It's called "cheating" and I don't think you want to be the "other woman".

I wish you the best,
Sunny

 
Old 02-21-2007, 03:47 PM   #10
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Lightbulb Re: Female Friend

This is what I think about your situation...............

I can understand your feeling about.....being with an older guy. (my husband is 15 years older than me)

You are just mature for your age, and he is immature for his age. Which is perfect!!

anyway.........About the texting. It's completely harmless. "hi sexy" is just a word that he say to make the other girl feels confident about herself.

Whenever a man says"hi sexy" or "hey beautiful" or "how are you babe"--it's always nice to hear these things--because it makes me feel good inside. And most of the time.......these men leave it like that. As long as the conversation doesn't progress......I am not worried!!

Relax...it's probably nothing.

about his "separation"--I see a lot of families that are going thru this (my uncle is living proof).......I do feel bad about my cousin...but, she's happy that she still sees him. Her dad still pays the rent, and he lives in the garage. I know for some this is a weird way to live..........but, it work for his family............I still talk to them though. (maybe it's an asian thing!!)

 
Old 02-21-2007, 04:09 PM   #11
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Re: Female Friend

Well I am now married to man that when we met was living with his long term gf but they were not together in a relationship anymore and I was not a secret and she had a bf. Unless his wife knows that he's with another woman...I'd drop that man like a hot potatoe!!!!! He's never going to leave...that's just all bunch of hogwash! It sounds like one tall tale after another. What's his reason for not getting a divorce and when is it that he's supposed to be able to file for divorce? As far as him texting with another woman...well he probably has a string of other women that he's playing games with... Sorry but if it waddles like a duck...quacks like a duck...etc

 
Old 02-21-2007, 04:24 PM   #12
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Re: Female Friend

i agree with all the posters that you are pretty much clueless with this guy. im sorry but its so hard to beleave that this guy is gonna actually leave his wife. hes "separated" but still living in the same home with his kids and wife i dont beleave hes separted. he tells you he sleeps on the couch his wife didnt say that and thats because he doesnt want her to know about you. that sounds to weired for me he doesnt sound like a nice guy he sounds like a jerk. and im sure alot of woman on here would agree with me when i say that if you separate with your husband thats breaking up with the person and im sure most woman in general wouldnt be living with there husbands if they were separated i know i wouldnt be. i feel sorry for you because you really do sound clueless with this guy but the people i really feel sorry for is his kids and wife. you picked this guy you knew he was married with kids you set yourself up for this. but his kids couldnt choose there parents. his kids dont have a choice if there parents are getting a divorced they have no say.i feel sooo sorry for the children.theres so many guys in this world why choose a married man hes already taken. you dont have to date a guy your age so still date a guy in his 30s or 40s theres alot of guys that age thats not married.you probily wont take any of our advice youll just have to find out the hard way because oneday his wife might find out about you than youll know for sure whats really going on.

 
Old 02-21-2007, 04:39 PM   #13
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Re: Female Friend

Basically he can tell you absolutely anything and how do you know it's true...like how in the world do you know that he sleeps on the couch. I'll betcha that his wife doesn't have a clue that anything is going on and I bet they are living together just as any husband and wife live. I say when he's divorced he can give you a call...that's what I'd tell him! And another thing...he is way too old for you! I know that people have relationships with older men/women but it's fine when you are still young but what about when you are 40(which is still young) and he is 60 which is retirement age just about! I mean I'm 44 and I couldn't imagine being with a 64 year old man! eeeek! My husband is 7 years older than I am and that's just about as far apart as I could imagine!

 
Old 02-21-2007, 05:00 PM   #14
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Re: Female Friend

Plas: I appreciate your reply, I guess I should have expected comments such as these. It doesn't really hurt my feelings no, I find it hard to judge a man you don't know based soely on my words.

What are you asking for then. if you don't want people to judge him by your words, don't post anything b/c your words are the only thing we have to go on. i don't understand the point of your post. you are determined to stay with him and do not seem open to other's responses although by thanking/replying to everyone individually...i think thats a cover to be nice, because i do not imagine you changing your mind about him any time in the near future.

is it about the text? i think thats pretty harmless and the least of your worries...he is oviously a flirt, so it probably doesn't breach further than any other disrespectful actions he does (seeing someone while he is married, flirting with others while dating someone)...and what did you mean by he doesn't act like a normal 41 year old? is he more immature? more mature? if a 41 year old man WITH A FAMILY AND A MISTRESS is CRUSHED by not being able to talk to a 24 year old drug addicted dependent co-worker whose parents tell her who she can and cannot be friends with-COME ON. THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

about the living with his wife....first, i have known couples that have lived together (platonically) after they split, so i know it does happen. BUT, with you being long distance, and his wife under the same roof, whose to say one night when hes feeling a little frisky he and HIS WIFE have not been intimate? like you said, what you don't know won't hurt you, so keep turning a blind eye.

Last edited by jozi209; 02-21-2007 at 05:10 PM.

 
Old 02-21-2007, 05:24 PM   #15
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Re: Female Friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Canadian101 View Post
I went in his phone and he had texted this woman "good morning sexy". I broke down on the spot and he asked me what was wrong i told him. He said thats just how he talks to women and that shes not what he wants, i'm what he wants and so on. Now her parents forbid her to talk to him because of their age difference and so on and her bf who shes back together with again, won't let her have male friends. He was heartbroken and sad all weekend because he can't be this girls friend anymore or his drinking buddy. I guess I'm just ranting and wanted my story to be heard, as I can't talk to anyone about this. Is it just in a mans blood to call women as he sees. I wish I never looked at his phone for this reason. What I don't know can't hurt me i guess.
Hi again Canadian,

Please correct me if I'm wrong but I think you feel sorry for this guy for some reason (maybe you believe his stories).

I also get the feeling that you don't trust him because he texted this other girl "good morning sexy" and if I found that out, I would have been really hurt (no matter what age I was).

I'm much older than you and I have heard all these stories before and I think if I were younger, I probably would believe them too. I don't want to sound like your Mom but I truly get the feeling that this guy is full of hot air and is lying to you. If you truly trusted him, you wouldn't have checked his telephone, right?

If my Mom would have told me to stay away from this guy when I was your age, I probably would not have listened. Sometimes the best lessons in life is when you live them, that's how I learned about men and I am still learning.

I hope you don't waste your life with this guy. There are so many really great guys out there who would really appreciate a nice girl like yourself.

Sunny

 
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