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Old 02-26-2007, 08:30 AM   #1
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Have I made a huge mistake?

I posted a while back because my partner of six years wouldn’t make a commitment. I finally decided to end our relationship and have been working at being ‘single’ again for a couple of months – going out with my girl friends and had a couple of dates with new guys and generally trying to get on with my life.

Anyway – things have back tracked and I’m so confused and not sure if I’ve done the right thing.

I got in touch with my Ex two weeks ago because we had loads of snow here in the UK and my kids wanted to go sledging. He had all of our sledges at his house and I rang to ask if we could use them. He said that he and his son were also planning to go so why not all go together – so we did. It was all very civilised (although ***arre). He kissed me on the cheek and said I looked great, but otherwise it was ‘just friends’.

A week later he rang and asked if we (me and my kids) would like to go to the cinema to see a film with him and his kids (they have all been friends together for years). I hesitated at first, but my kids were really keen to go. During the film, my ex grabbed my hand and held it throughout the film and when we left he hugged me and told me he loved me. This opened up a whole new bunch of emotions and I went home totally confused.

On Friday, I rang him and asked if we could meet up without the kids and we went to a concert together (not the greatest place to talk – but we had a really nice evening). We went back to my house and he ended up staying the night. In the morning we talked and I asked him if he wanted us to get back together. He seemed confused at first and said that he wasn’t sure if he was ready and he didn’t want to stop me having fun and going out with other men (??!!). He said that he loves me, really missed being with me, but felt relieved that all the ‘pressure’ of commitment had gone but in the future he hoped we would be together and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I told him that I found it insulting that he would want me to date other men – and surely he realises that if I go out with other men for more than one or two dates, in fairness to the other person, the relationship is bound to be progressive. He apologised and admitted that he was being unrealistic and he didn't want to think of me having a 'relationship' with another man. I can’t remember how the conversation came around, but eventually he said ‘so, shall we get back together then?’ and I agreed.

We went out yesterday and had a really nice afternoon and I cooked dinner in the eve for everyone. We then took the dog for a walk together before he went home. I told him I had a great weekend and asked if he felt the same. He said: “It’s been OK.” I couldn’t believe it. I said to him “Aren’t you happy that we’re back together then?” and he said “Yes, but it’s all happened so quickly and I haven’t got my head round it yet.” He told me that he couldn’t see me tonight because he has to do his business accounts. I offered to help as I usually did in the past, but he said no he could manage (I presume he needs some space?) I had a text from him this morning saying ‘thank you for a stunning weekend and the lovely meal you cooked.’ But no ‘I love you’ which he has always text in the past.

I’m wondering if he’s regretting us getting back together. I’m also wondering if I’ve made a huge mistake. I truly love this man. We are great together, we have had wonderful times – the only sticking point is the commitment one. I wonder if I should just relax and enjoy a casual relationship – going out a few times a week and having a good time with him in the hope that once the pressure of more commitment is off, maybe he will take the initiative on his own?

What do you think? I could kick myself for backtracking but it seems that love and logic are two very different things!

Last edited by JaneKaye; 02-26-2007 at 08:31 AM. Reason: word was mispelt

 
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Old 02-26-2007, 08:37 AM   #2
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

I think you should slow down and enjoy the times you do have together. From the way it sounds he doesn't want to lose you, but doesn't want to take things too fast. Slow down and enjoy the time you have. Its not very often you find someone like you have described him to be. (with the kids and such). good luck!

 
Old 02-26-2007, 09:04 AM   #3
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

You two just got back together. You can't expect that things are going to go right back to where they were before. Take some time and enjoy things for what they are.

The two of you love eachother and have said that you want to spend the rest of your life together. At least you know where eachother stands. But you have been apart for a couple of months. He may be a little leary of jumping right back in to where you were before the breakup. Remember, you broke up with him and he just may be protecting himself by trying to take things more slowly this time.

Try not to worry and overannalyse (sp) everything. He wouldn't have gotten back together with you if he didn't want to, and you probably wouldn't be doubting your decision if things were right back where they use to be. Relax and go with the flow. If you both want the same thing out of this (and it sounds like you do) it will happen when the time is right.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 09:19 AM   #4
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneKaye View Post
Iím wondering if heís regretting us getting back together. Iím also wondering if Iíve made a huge mistake. I truly love this man. We are great together, we have had wonderful times Ė the only sticking point is the commitment one. I wonder if I should just relax and enjoy a casual relationship Ė going out a few times a week and having a good time with him in the hope that once the pressure of more commitment is off, maybe he will take the initiative on his own?

What do you think? I could kick myself for backtracking but it seems that love and logic are two very different things!
I don't know, Jane. I seem to remember you "fuming" over him not keeping plans with you and your kids -- like not even a phone call on a Sunday afternoon with you and your kids looking forward to your plans. This after a week of him cancelling out on you and thinking nothing of it.

It already sounds like more of the same. You building your life -- as well as your kids' lives -- around this man's uncertainties.

When will you become a priority for him? When will your kids? How long does he expect you to stay a single mom waiting in the sidelines for him? Another six years? Eight?

It just seems that you two only have a good time when it's convenient for him. How good did he make you feel this weekend? It sounds like you're really confused by what he's said to you. How confident are you that any plans you've made for the future -- I'm talking about both your family, as well as his -- won't be broken by him? How will you explain this to your kids with disappointment in their eyes?

Please don't sell yourself short. It sounds like you're already doing all the compromising and making concessions to give this another go. What's he bringing to the table to make the relationship better for you?

 
Old 02-26-2007, 09:35 AM   #5
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by StenoLady1 View Post

Please don't sell yourself short. It sounds like you're already doing all the compromising and making concessions to give this another go. What's he bringing to the table to make the relationship better for you?

StenoLady - you've hit the nail on the head really and that's why I'm so confused and my heart is saying one thing and my mind the other. I AM doing all the compromising - as always. But the problem is I love him and missed him so much when we weren't together. I went out with a few other men during our split, who were nice enough, but I just didn't feel that 'connection' like I do with my ex. Also, I never have felt that connection with anyone else - even my ex-husband who I was married to for 16 years.

You're right too - I was fuming when he let me and my kids down by not phoning to tell me his plans had changed and in the month before splitting he had been quite inconsiderate about my feelings, but generally he is a very kind and caring man. He will drive my kids to their friends or activities and will have them stay overnight and cook their tea if I'm away overnight with work.

I know that I am compromising again. What I can't decide is this: Is it better to have this relationship - which is good fun, we go out together a few times a week, do lots of fun things with our kids together, go on holidays together - but will probably never live together or be more than this? OR do I give him up again - and there would be no going back this time - and live in the hope that one day I will meet someone who wants to live with me, marry me and I can share happy times with?

 
Old 02-26-2007, 10:54 AM   #6
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneKaye View Post
What I can't decide is this: Is it better to have this relationship - which is good fun, we go out together a few times a week, do lots of fun things with our kids together, go on holidays together - but will probably never live together or be more than this? OR do I give him up again - and there would be no going back this time - and live in the hope that one day I will meet someone who wants to live with me, marry me and I can share happy times with?
That's the age-old question - but only you can decide. What do you really really want in your heart of hearts? This man, and whatever he's willing to give you, or something more with someone else? The risk is, of course, you may never find anyone else, there are no guarantees in life and we aren't promised happiness, but what I'm most concerned with is what this is doing to your self esteem and sense of self worth. When we are around people who treat us like less than, then sooner or later we start to think of ourselves as less than, as unworthy and "not good enough." If you really want to be with a man who makes you feel as though you are "good enough," then you're going to have to get rid of this guy you've gone back to. I get the feeling this guy makes you feel just "not good enough," not good enough to marry, not good enough to commit to, not good enough to love enough to make you his wife, just not good enough, and after enough time, that will start to weigh on you. If you really didn't want marriage and a life together with someone, sharing a life, waking up together, raising your kids together, etc. if you didn't want or need that, then I'd say go for it, enjoy your time with this guy for as long as it lasts. But if you really want more, you're going to have to go out and get it. Trying to force this guy into being someone he's not or giving you something he just doesn't want to give you isn't going to work, plus, staying with him is also risky. Six months or a year down the road he could meet someone he does see as "good enough" and fall head over heels and you'll be Rod Stewarted (I use that term because of what Rod Stewart did to model Kelly Emberg, didn't want her working, wanted her to travel with him live with him, go on the road with him, be his wife without being his wife, gave her the "we don't need a piece of paper, don't want marriage at all" speech, so she gave up 8 of the most lucrative, productive years of her modeling career for him, and when she hit 35, he dumped her for Rachel Hunter and married Rachel within 6 months) and 6 months or a year older and alone again and still no closer to having what you really want. It's a lot to think about, and a lot of risk to weigh. It's one of the hardest thing a woman has to do I think, give up a man she really really loves but who can't commit to her, either way, whichever way you go, you could end up alone. But I guess the difference is, alone with the yourself who at least kept her pride and didn't allow any man to waste her time or treat her as "not good enough," or alone with the yourself who sacrificed her pride and let a man jack her around and waste her time, make her feel "not good enough," and who took off for greener pastures anyway. It's a tough call. Take your time, do some really deep soul searching.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 11:24 AM   #7
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

I don't know again, Jane -- boy, a lot of help I am, aren't I?

Actually, I do have the solution! Let's do one of those house swap things for a month. You know, instead of like time sharing? I'm sick as a dog with the flu and in need of some strong English tea and elixirs. You, my friend, sound like you could use a day frolicking on the sandy white beaches of Florida mixed with a few days full of magical pixie dust at Disney. Just don't let my kitty out of the house, please. He's very old and I'm afraid if he gets out at this point, I'll never see him again!

All kidding aside, like Larrylou above me said, I don't have the answer for you. You have to really think about what you can live with ... as well as your kids. It's a balancing act with them. Do you sell out your heart for them so they can have fun when this man's available? Do you set an example for them to stand firm in what they believe in?

This might be the fever talking, but what about taking him up on his offer to "casually" dating him, but keeping your options open with other men?

Last edited by StenoLady1; 02-26-2007 at 11:24 AM.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 11:58 AM   #8
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

Dear LarryLous and Stenolady - you have both been a great help. You ACTUALLY do understand my situation - at last I've found people who can see it from all angles - so thank you!

Please don't tempt me with exchange trips to Florida though - you might find me booked on the next flight!!

One thing that you mentioned was dating other people. That is something I toyed with and wonder about. I've never been unfaithful to anyone in my life before (I suppose I've always been a one man woman). I did tell my ex (now on) that I wouldn't see other men if we are together. But part of me wonders if I should keep my options open? See him but also go out with other men on dates occasionally if the fancy takes me and see how it goes? It feels so dishonest though, I'm really not comfortable with the idea. The problem I had before was I went out on two dates with one guy - he was lovely - better looking than my ex, good company, had a good job etc but I just didn't feel comfortable with him. The first date was great, but on the second he tried to kiss me (I mean a full on snog!) and I just couldn't deal with it - only because I'm in love with someone else and felt so unfaithful.

What do you think? do I have to make a choice or could I keep my options open this way - even though its very dishonest and could, potentially, hurt the people involved?

 
Old 02-26-2007, 12:02 PM   #9
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by StenoLady1 View Post
This might be the fever talking, but what about taking him up on his offer to "casually" dating him, but keeping your options open with other men?
Jane, I would take the above advice as a really good option.

Can I ask how old you both are? as I am in a very similar postion as you, a single mum like you, and have been with my partner approaching 7 years! I am becoming more bitter as each year anniversary approachs.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 12:13 PM   #10
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

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Originally Posted by brook65 View Post
Jane, I would take the above advice as a really good option.

Can I ask how old you both are? as I am in a very similar postion as you, a single mum like you, and have been with my partner approaching 7 years! I am becoming more bitter as each year anniversary approachs.
Hi Brook65. I am 40 my ex (now on ish....) is 43. We both married young - both stayed with our previous spouses for 16 years and both have three children from our marriages. Neither of us have had other relationships.

 
Old 02-26-2007, 12:31 PM   #11
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

This is what I think.....

Six years is a very long time.

You did the right thing by ending the relationship that seems to me "at a still"

I mean......if he truely love you...how come this man...never proposed or anything in that nature??

I know you still love this man......but, you've tried your best to show him.

Any Man would just take a second opportunity like the one you and him are starting.......as a way to hold on to the love of his life,right?

Long story short: I just think, you are better off exploring your options. I am not saying...to completely erase him from your life. I hope you and him can still go on a casual date, I'm sure your kids and his get along, yes?

 
Old 02-26-2007, 05:49 PM   #12
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

Well, there doesn't have to be anything dishonest or "cheating" about seeing other men and keeping your options open. You could just be totally up front and honest with your not-so-ex, and tell him you love him, but you don't want to end up alone, you want a marriage, a home, a real family, and a real love, and while you love him so very much and want to be with him, it appears he doesn't want to be with you as much as you want to be with him, and hasn't given you any reassurance that he will still be around in a year or two, therefore, you would like to date him, and date other men as well to keep your options open so that you're not putting all your eggs in his basket, and you will have a better chance of not ending up alone. Now, to be fair, you will have to let him see other women as well, which is the really hard part. Think on it, what would you want the ground rules to be, how to present it to him, and howhe would react to it.

 
Old 02-27-2007, 02:34 AM   #13
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneKaye View Post
Hi Brook65. I am 40 my ex (now on ish....) is 43. We both married young - both stayed with our previous spouses for 16 years and both have three children from our marriages. Neither of us have had other relationships.
A similar age to myself I am approaching 42!

I totally totally understand how you feel, infact I congratulate you for having the guts to walk away from him. I know how difficult it is to do that, the two minds thing, you really don't want to split with this guy, but you also feel you deserve some sort of committment.

Me and my partner have been invited to weddings of people over the years who have only dated for a short while, and seven years approaching we are still dating! It is embarrasing when people ask "when are you getting married"?

I can't really offer you any advice other than don't go back to how it was with you unhappy, you made the BIG decision to split, and I am sure if things don't change, down the line you will be unhappy again.

Good Luck

 
Old 02-27-2007, 07:12 AM   #14
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Re: Have I made a huge mistake?

If this is my correct understanding.....
You are together for 6 yrs you asked about marriage and he said no not yet.
You broke it off(good for you)
But got back together and he siad that he missed you and loved you.

But now he is saying this is going to fast for him...

Sounds like he was doing fine till you called him to get the sleds then realized that you might be dating other people and he didnt like that so why not get back together. But now together you are moving too fast again..? Ummm how long does he want to wait for? Is he like 20 where he thinks he has all the time in the world to wait tihs long? Does he want to wait till he's 40 and not living his life anymore to start having a family? (not saying 40 is when you stop I just mean in his eyes)

does he think he'll miss out on life he has a kid now or get married now and not be able to do what he wishes?

personally I wouldnt have stayed with him that long but that is just me. If you love him i see why you are upset nad want to stay but dont you deserve what you want? A family, a husband, more kids a white picket fence? LOL Just becuase you love him doesnt mean he will be the one to give it to you. and from what you are saying he doesnt seem to want that anytime soon. Even if he says yes but not right now...well when is later? 5 years? 10 years?

Just some things I would ask myself if I were you. I send hugs your way... I would also keep your options open because he seems to want to drag his feet with this. Ask his what he is afraid of besides moving too fast. Because that is not an excuse when you have been together for 6 years. It jsut isnt! There is a reason for him not wanting to and you need to find out what it is. Like will he think his life is over or does he wnat to party more or just "hang" out more untill he is ready?

I'll be thinkin of ya!

 
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