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Old 03-02-2007, 11:48 AM   #1
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Unhappy Extremely Weird Situation

My boyfriend and I keep arguing about really dumb things. I feel like if the problem is that he feels I have to agree with everything he says. This pisses me off because when I don't agree with him he gets mad and ignores me and then I feel like if he is trying to manipulate me (this is what my last post was about).
He ignores me until he feels like talking to me. But if I don't call him while he is ignoring me he will kinda get mad, as if I'm doing something wrong. I keep remembering though what this pastor said on tv...Joel O'steen said one day not to let other people enslave you by making you feel bad about you not doing something they want you to do. I know that he hates when I disagree with him, he told me he did. That made me so mad.

I also feel like if he is smothering me by manipulating me. I'm tired of all his little rules. He told me that when I get my license I can't drive by myself and that I will have to take someone with me. It made me mad and upset because I said I will drive around alone when I have to, and he said then I don't want you to get your license, as if he can stop me and has a right to.

Well....right now he's avoiding me because I was wearing a lip gloss that he didn't like this happened like 3 or 4 days ago.... He's upset because according to him the lip gloss looks like "penis ejaculation" and it "made me look like a sl*t". The lip gloss is just very shiny. He told me to take it off and I didn't listen to him. He said that "I love drawing attention to myself". It made me upset how he spoke to me, and I hate how he constantly adds in these little ignorant remarks about everything. I didn't take it off because I do have the right to wear whatever I want.I figured if my lipgloss did look white, I would just spread it around; make it blend more.
It made mad how he talked down on me. If he didn't like the lip gloss he could have said to me, the lip gloss is making your lips look white, it looks weird, rub a little bit off or blend it with another one. But when he said it looks like something a sl*t would wear, that really ****** me off.

This happened while we were waiting to go home in a train station, he ignored me for an hour as we waited.....He sat next to me on the train and ignored me there too. Then this guy sat in front of us .He was in my class when I was in 4th and 5th grade and was in the same school as me 6th- 8th grade. Anyways the guy looked back at me ( I didn't even notice) and my boyfriend flipped out and started cursing him out and they were arguing and my bf was telling him not to look at me. The guy told him that he thought I was someone he knew before (which is true) I was sooooo embarrassed at this commotion that was happening in a public place.... I told my bf to stop. He was completely wrong for doing that. He sat through the whole train ride with an angry face looking as if he was going to kill someone. Then we changed seats before we got off the train to avoid problems with the other guy, and when we were in another seat he looked at me and said, didn't I tell you to take that ***** off (referring to the lip gloss again). The day after I called him and we argued, he told me I looked like a sl*t because of my lip gloss, the call dropped ironically as I was telling him never to speak to me again. He called me last night to check if I was home "cause he cares so much about me". In my opinion he was making sure I was home rather than just checking.
Right now, I'm unsure on whether or not I want to be with him anymore, and remembering everything that happened makes me mad all over again. I'm so sick of feeling this way.

I'm really sorry about the long post. I just had to vent out to someone and hear some opinions about the situation, what his problem is and what I should do about it.




Im really sorry mods about the double post....I don't know how to get rid of one.

Last edited by blancanieve; 03-02-2007 at 11:53 AM. Reason: double post

 
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Old 03-02-2007, 04:15 PM   #2
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Re: Extremely Weird Situation

It does sound like he slowly is trying to shape you into someone he can control. It's of course difficult for me to determine from just one post but a few things are quite clear. Deciding things for you is a bad sign. What to wear, what to do. I suggest you confront him with this very issue. Tell him what you're feeling when he tells you to do this or that. A more drastic thing to do is to declare that you are in charge of yourself and if he can't accept that then he shouldn't even be around you. If he infact is trying to manipulate you he might get obsessed and dangerous. But let's hope that isn't the case.

Directing his rage at your former classmate shows that he needs to declare his status, and show he's in charge. Trying to shape the people around him to fit into his ideal.

This is what I think and should not be considered professional at all. It's simply my opinion.

 
Old 03-02-2007, 09:16 PM   #3
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Re: Extremely Weird Situation

I think this is a rather extreme situation. He definitely has no right to tell you what to wear. It's pretty ridiculous to get worked up over something as insignificant as lipgloss. Also, the name calling is simply uncalled for.
You're right about him calling to check up on you. He definitely doesn't seem like he cares all that much about you as much as he cares about controlling every part of you.

You need to confront him asap, ask him what his deal is and what he plans on doing to change. Asking people to change is really tough as it probably won't happen unless they're willing to change. You most likely won't be able to help him on your own. I think he needs to consult a professional about his problem.
If he continues acting that way toward you, than you need to leave him as you deserve much better than that. This type of situation can easily develop into something more serious.
Take care of yourself.

 
Old 03-02-2007, 11:05 PM   #4
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Re: Extremely Weird Situation

[If he continues acting that way toward you, than you need to leave him as you deserve much better than that. This type of situation can easily develop into something more serious.
Take care of yourself.[/QUOTE]

I totally agree....my daughter spent 2 years with a man like this, she became a robot to keep the peace cos he kept doing the pathetic "I'm crazy with love for you" bit whenever she rebelled against the rules. The final straw came when he (and yours will too, 100% guarantee) went too far and assaulted her. She left him and we had to live thru his stalking behaviour for several weeks while he tried to win her back. Luckily the violence jerked her into seeing the years of manipulation and mind control that brought her into the position of being hit, and she held firm. He found another woman to shape into his idea of a true mate.

 
Old 03-03-2007, 12:31 AM   #5
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Red face Re: Extremely Weird Situation

Sorry, I Must Use All Caps.. So Glad You Are Asking For Help. In My Line Of Work, At A Crisis Hotline, I Talk To People Like You, Many Times. Your Boyfriend Is Showing All The Signs Of A Potential Abuser. If I Were You, I Would Get Out Of That Relationship--and Quick. However, If He Is An Abuser, He Will Make That Difficult For You, He May Even Make Threats--suicide, Or Even Homocide. Before Breaking Up With Him, Take That Into Consideration. I Would Not Do It When I Was Anywhere Alone With Him. If You Need Someone To Talk To, Call Your Local Telephone Crisis Center

Last edited by Administrator; 03-13-2007 at 04:38 PM. Reason: Remove long quotes before posting.

 
Old 03-03-2007, 09:20 AM   #6
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Re: Extremely Weird Situation

Blanca, about confronting him, I don't think it will change anything. This guy has a lot of control issues and who even knows if he wants to change. I would get out. Please, in the future, never accept for one minute another person controlling you for any reason.

 
Old 03-03-2007, 09:43 AM   #7
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blancanieve HB User
Re: Extremely Weird Situation

Thanks guys for the posts.
I have alot of mixed feelings on whether or not I should leave him. I feel really bad about leaving him because I've grown very attached to him, he's my first boyfriend and we've been together for almost 3 years and he is the only person I have that I can trust. I feel like if we've been through so much together and I would be throwing everything away.
I feel bad because if I were to break up with him it would be totally unexpected, and I don't want to hurt him at all. I also feel bad because I'm not sure he knows what he's doing and why it's wrong. I think that I am going to tell him how I feel about him telling me what to do, and I will make it clear that if he keeps bossing me around then we no longer have a future together. I will base my choice on how he handles what I've told him. I know that if I don't do this and I just break up with him I will feel extremely guilty.

 
Old 03-06-2007, 06:05 AM   #8
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Re: Extremely Weird Situation

OK, here is exactly what will happen...you will confront him with all this stuff. At some point he will sense that you are serious and he will earnestly promise to change, will be understanding, contrite, loving and this will last ...hmm, let's see....I give it a month. Read what you write back to yourself and listen to yourself. "I feel bad....." etc. As for him being the only person you can trust, have you found that you and he are always "busy" when it is your old friends who want to do something. My daughter had to see her friends almost on the quiet, cos he ran them down and made it uncomfortable for them. The first step in the cycle of abuse os to isolate the person from any supportive (to her) network of friends and even family. My daughter's ex would not visit her at our place even tho she was living ther at the time, he got her off the premises quick smart. Please look at all these things and I bet you will see that he has made himself into the only game in town for you. Best wishes, Sera

 
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