I am at the end of my rope....I have been dating a girl off and on for about a year and we constantly fight about my Ex. I have two wonderful daughters that stay with me 50% of the time. I obviously have regular contact with my Ex in regards to them. My Ex does not care for my Girlfriend much and has made comments to the girls and to me about her. I have defended her (my Girlfriend) and told my Ex to knock it off. She has backed off for some time now. However, due to the custody arrangement we have we have regular contact. My Girlfriend hates it and we constantly argue about it. She thinks everytime my Ex calls it is to meddle in our life...this may have been the case at one time but it is not and has not been for some time now. I have broken up with my Girlfriend many times because of this and she says that she will change...I take her back and try to reasure her I don't return my Ex's calls or talk to her very much but there is this constant underlying hatred she has for her....I don't know what to do anymore...i love my Girlfriend, but sometimes I think it isn't meant to be...she just can't get past this issue...any advice out there?
Last edited by Hammer6401; 03-04-2007 at 06:54 PM.
An ex wifes point of view here. Dont run away now!
Ok I left my husband when our son was just 7months old. Long story! We went through too much bs with lawyers and wound up at a duncan donuts one night with coffee in a parking lot sorting out what we wanted for our divorce. Took an hour and half. He of course didnt like who i was dating but he never meddled. I think that was mainly due to the fact that at that time that boyfriend wouldnt tolerate any bs from his as well. But my ex had a great girlfriend and we hit it off, it was too bad that they didnt in the end. There are a few things you need to make sure of and I know this might be too little to late but I have to say it.....
Make sure you are no longer in love with your ex, being apart is really what you want and that is that. And I mean both ways, if she was meddling was it because she is witch or because she wants you back. Ok that being said THEN you need to make sure your arrangements for your kids are straight between the two of you. Remember that your kids come before any woman or man in her case. You and your ex MUST be friends in order to have those kids grow up in any good way. Laugh together talk to eachother and when you are in disagreement talk it out and dont get pissy in front of those kids because let me tell ya they will use that against both of you. You need to sit with ex and make sure she knows that who ever you are going out with that she does not teach those kids that it's ok to talk about anyone badly.
Ok now for your girlfriend; does she like the kids? does she play with them? Do you see her as a mother herself? Do you see her having kids or just taking care of yours? Why does she not like your ex, is it becuase ex was being rude in the beginning of the relationship; if that is all then she needs to get over it. Your kids arent going anywhere thus neither is she so girlfriend needs to smarten up. If you have broken up with girlfriend before about this and she says she will change!!!!!! You need to smarten up cuz SHE WONT! You might think you love her but look at it yes the whole picture! Do you see her wanting to share 1/2 siblings with your ex? Think about that for a minute. What if you are done with kids and she wants them but doesnt want your other kids around on the weekends because it will be so hard for her to take care of all of them.
Listen I am a very strong woman, I learned to be a very "i dont give a damn" kind of person. So if i was dating someone and his ex was being rude and it stopped then I get over it. Also I would actually have confronted her myself and told her that that wont be happening and I wouldnt care if she had your kids or not, i wont be disrespected. Because no matter if she is your ex or not disrespect is disrepect and your ex would have either shut her mouth or gotten upset and boooo hoooo'd but it would have been over. Sooooo do you want a woman who revolves your life around her anger at your ex or do you want a woman who will look and laugh if ex tries to get in yoru way.? Your choice.
By the way the boyfriend who told my ex he wouldnt be pushed around I married! Have 3 more kids too boot!
First and foremost have a good relationship with your ex because you will see her till the day you die becuase of your kids! Girlfreinds may come and go untill you find the right one but ex will always be there. a healthy relationship with her is worth 100 times more than any one girlfriend. You can ask my son who will be 12 years old. He couldnt ask for more that my ex and i are freinds and that my 2nd husband whom my son thinks of as a father as well is also kind to my ex. I would never speak ill ever about my ex in front of my son, it was always a rule and always will be.
Watch out! first step, get rid of the Ex, next the kids have to go..this female wants you all to herself. The past problems with the ex are just an excuse now...she feels threatened and is basically trying to make you choose. This will not get better. Like the others have said, the ex goes with the kids for life, can't have one without the other, how can this **** not see this..best wishes, Sera
Maybe give your GF one more chance to be good If she cannot tollerate the EX wife then really you will have to choose your kids...they are the most important thing...not the EX...the kids! If your EX truely is being mature as you say. If she's being possessive then it's going to hard for you to find anyone until your kids grow up(or the EX grows up) and you don't share them anymore because the EX is going to mess it up for you...gf after gf! It's not your GFs fault...she cannot help the way she feels but you don't have to put up with it either. Personally I couldn't stand an EX so I wouldn't EVER date anyone with kids and the EX has got to go...none of this "we're just friends BS" and talking daily and coming to visit. I don't go for that...the next thing you know they are moving back in!
i understand this from both sides. i am the ex that does not like my stbxh's gf. and i am the gf that my bf's ex doesn't like and i don't care for her too much either.
the ex factor - my bf's ex wants him back. not for love but for money and security. so she has tried in every way she can to get back in with him. now she's using the kids. they did have the 50/50 thing going with their kids. but thats not good for them to be bounced back and forth. so now he has his son and she has his daughter. he has stopped all communication with her except for when it is about the kids. and not just anything about the kids. but it better be an emergency before she calls. she put things in the kids head and when they come home it takes a while to get them back in line. just because you and your ex have a good relationship doesn't mean shes playing by the rules. women tend to pick up on things that are said and done more then men do. so maybe your gf see's something that the ex is doing that you don't see.
the gf factor - my ex is with the women that he was with before he left me. so i have every reason to hate her. but she is good to my kids so i can't say too much. my ex and i have a good relationship. neither of us want each other back. but we still keep all conversations strictly kids. not chit chat. i don't like my bf's ex. she has put us both through a lot. in obvious ways and in sneaky ways. she tells the kids that are sooo not true. and that strains our relationship for a while. but his kids love me and i love them. but i do get a little jealous of his daughter when she is over for the weekend. i would never say anything or act out on it. but sometimes the things he says on those weekends and even when she's not there gets to me. she's only 3. and none of his or my kids asked for the split families that we all have become. when gf's are jealous of kids its not the kids themselves. but its that the most important things in your life are the kids that someone else gave you. sometimes thats hard to deal with. but if you love your gf and she loves you..then you can work it out.
you are correct in that blended families are tough. even if you break it off with your gf, you will always have to deal with the blended family in the next relationship. so if you love her and she loves you. and you each love each others kids and are good to them and they love you. then you should talk it over and maybe even see a counselor. try to work it out before you just give up...
I see a competition forming between my Girlfriend and my kids...on her part....she gets pissy when I spend my time with them and don't include her....I actually find the blending families thing pretty tough...I love my Girls more than life itself...they are everything to me and I will do everything to protect them...even if it means dropping the GF. I see her ultimately jeoprodizing my relationship with my Girls...I will not let that happen...I believe it is good to have a good relationship with my Ex...I actually took pride in the fact that we were so good to one another....and just for the record I don't have feelings for her like that anymore...I left her....however I do think she might have them for me deep down
First I want to say how wonderful it is that you have such a great relationship with your girls. I know so many dads who think nothing of their children when a relationship ends and it is so refreshing to hear of someone like you!
Second, it is a good thing to have a friendly relationship with your ex. How fortunate your children are not to be caught in the middle of some petty battle (anymore) and they can have both of their parents there for them and happy. They will be so much better off for it.
Third, your gf needs to get over it or you need to find yourself another gf. Yes, there were issues in the beginning, but you defended her and your ex backed off. I'm been the ex who didn't like the girlfriend. I said some not so nice things to my ex just like he said things to me about my now husband. But there becomes a point where you have to find a common ground. She is the one entering the picture. She adapts to the dyanmic, not try to change everyone else to suit her. If she can't handle the type of relationship you have with your girls then she needs to find a guy who doesn't have kids, plain and simple.
Definitely consider telling your girlfriend that you can't continue if she is this jealous. It's not unrealistic to expect adults to try to get along. There are many women in this world that could handle this situation.
just be glad you have a good relationship with your ex for your kids sake. i wish my fiance had that with his ex he has a 5 year old little girl that he cant see because of me she feels that since they are not togther anymore than hes not a father anymore either he never had the chance to be a dad to this little girl she left him when she was 3or 4 months pregnant with there child then he met me when she was 8 months pregnant and we are very happy been togther for 5 years. but i wish we could get his daughter because we have a 3 year old son togther now my son has to suffer because of this. so if your gf cant see that yous have a good relationship for your kids than you should find someone that does understand and there are alot of girls out there that would understand. like some posters said youll always have your kids and your ex they are your family but girls will come and go.