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Old 03-14-2007, 03:06 AM   #1
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Exclamation Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

Full Tilt. I am in this.

I recently moved to Seattle last April. Back back story is:
abused physically by mother
controlled and manipulated by mother
could only provide a sense of pure love after abusive behavior

recent history:
college prof. grad 03
moved to california winter 03 with aunt and uncle
auny haunted by demons of her mother/daughter relationship. uncle is a workaholic in the most extreme meaning. homemaker. loss of identity. alcoholic. insomniac. the list is neverending. suprising a loving mother. children are subjected to her behavior outside of personal care for child.

here i am, 2007. i have never had any issues with severe depression, anxiety, emotional outbursts, work, focus etc. i did act out, but i have been trying to hold a mirror to my mother my entire life.

i am 27. the winter here was hard transitioning from california to northwest weather. forced me into a deep depression. took a leave of absence from work. work is the only thing stable in my life and they are standing by me in this battle.

my mother is most definitely touched. she is losing it on me. started slow. started sending me packages at work. i was so lonely, that i accepted them and began to fall into the role she chose for me. i became increasingly more miserable, sucumbing to a long distance affair with an emotionally unavailable man. i wanted to save him. an old friend lives here. she is a lesbian, and they all try to save me. this bit belongs in the sexuality thread, and i am cool with being their friend, but i will always prefer men. i know now that i was born to be a mother and a creator. i am stopping the cycle now.

current work i am doing to control this and make the transition:
1. light dose of antidepressants
2. purging of material objects: all things given to by mother that are unneccessary in my life have been given away. also purging of items that represent immaturity, repression, regression to childhood.
3. acupuncture: we might have an issue here. there is a dynamic between my healer and myself. not a relationship, but a mutual understanding. the man is exorcising my demons in a way, i am a challenge. i cannot think about this now. he is helping with the mother issues
4. psychotherapy: seeing a therapist to work on a long term plan. talking about work now.
5. work: trying to get in part time. work is extremely supportive. the admin woman actually suggested i see a native american indian shaman. i think it is a little extreme, but my point is these people support and practice knowing thyself.

(breathe)

I wrote my father a letter detailing how and why I am stopping all contact with my mother. It was a loving letter. I only expressed how painful it is for me. I expressed how much I love him and her.

I think my mother is going to lose it. I lost it today. I woke up and started the day fresh. It was sunny so I took a drive to absorb some sunshine. My mother calls me 5 times a day since I admitted the depression. When I admitted that it is because of our relationship that I am so stunted, she threatened to have me committed. Her terms. She threatened to drive to WA and get me from the deep south. I told her we need boundaries, and I will call you twice a week, Wed. and Sat.
She calls and screams NO GOODBYE NO GOODBYE
She calls me a liar. This deals with the abuse and my acknowledgement of it. I do not think she is evil. I think she has serious problems and I am stopping this behavior.

I am changing cell #. She will not have it. She can call my home phone. I have caller id. If she comes here, and I will hear of it from an aunt or my father I will have a restraining order placed against her and get into a women's shelter if I have to protect myself. I am sure a friend would open to me, but I am not asking for anyone to protect me. I have to protect myself this time. This is the final battle.

I am not letting her demons get to me. In acupuncture today I had a total melt down. I called my grandmother last night to see how she is doing. She is deteriorating rapidly. My mother has her on a morphine patch. I did not know my mother would be with her when I called. She lied to me. Again manipulating. My grandmother was high on morphine and I could hear my mother prompting her in the background. My grandmother repeated every word my mother said: and this is when this got very very SICK.

My grandmother relayed everything that everyone is doing for her. Who is taking care and when.

I am an architect. I followed my dreams because that is all that I had. I knew I would meet the man of my dreams if I allowed myself to be just that - myself. There was nothing in Mississippi but survivors and despair. I am realizing that all the work had to come from within and I am an amazing woman for doing this. BUT the tears that come during acupuncture. Today I felt like I was being exorcised. I am a sane and functioning adult. After the needles were in and we talked and I let everything out...
I felt as if my entire body was literally spinning, like a suction tunnel of water. then extreme nausea sensation. i felt like it was being purged out of my body. extreme anger and sadness switching back and forth. body was twitching. i let it go. then after i let it go, things slowed down, and i found peace. focusing on colors.

i have never in my life let a man see me in this state. i have never allowed myself to be in this state. when i left, i was obvisously very mixed up. it was hard to have a calm conversation with him afterwards. i look up when leaving and i see him leaning against the door looking at me and smiling.

ladies, this is the most difficult day of my life. i am doing this. hopefully, from this point i can start to focus on work again. i can start a new routine. i am now a butterfly.

 
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Old 03-14-2007, 03:17 AM   #2
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

Whew! I bet that feels better out of you. You clearly have been teetering on an emotional tightrope for a long time. All credit to you for trying to make a new start and seek help for your troubles. Keep going, it will not be all roses by any means but don't despair. Your mother has her problems, for sure, but REMEMBER - they are HER problems, do not take them on board. I mean, do not believe what she says about you on any level, just brush it off. (hard but will get easier, believe it or not, one day you will just roll your eyes and groan) You sound as if you have a good support network; use them, nurture yourself, keep growing. Post whenever, we will be here. Cheers, Sera

 
Old 03-14-2007, 03:25 AM   #3
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph48 View Post
Whew! I bet that feels better out of you. You clearly have been teetering on an emotional tightrope for a long time. All credit to you for trying to make a new start and seek help for your troubles. Keep going, it will not be all roses by any means but don't despair. Your mother has her problems, for sure, but REMEMBER - they are HER problems, do not take them on board. I mean, do not believe what she says about you on any level, just brush it off. (hard but will get easier, believe it or not, one day you will just roll your eyes and groan) You sound as if you have a good support network; use them, nurture yourself, keep growing. Post whenever, we will be here. Cheers, Sera
Thank you, Sera. I do feel lighter. There is some REAL damage done. I am positive I am coming through this as a new person. I feel reborn. I cannot DEAL with the name calling, the past arguments, the useless things she calls to tell me she is doing EVERY single day. I cannot handle it anymore. This is a sick cycle, and as women we have to BREAK the cycle of abuse. It is the most trying day of my life.

Her using my grandmother as a ploy to get me home and back into that role is disgusting. I told my father my grandmother deserves to be cared for with dignity and grace. She has lived an honest and simple life. She deserves to be loved as she goes. Not used.

This is sick. Anyone that has severe problems get help as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the more upsetting it is.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 03:33 AM   #4
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

You are right, Artsie, the cycle must be broken. Can you cut yourself off totally without feeling guilty etc? I feel you need to back right away from the whole situation. She cannot have you dragged home can she? Make a new life and find nourishing people to be with, you sound as if you have plenty of good feelings left. I am sorry about your grandmother, sounds as if you were close to her. Just don't let your mother's totally obvious manipulation work on you.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:16 AM   #5
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

Quote:
Originally Posted by Seraph48 View Post
You are right, Artsie, the cycle must be broken. Can you cut yourself off totally without feeling guilty etc? I feel you need to back right away from the whole situation. She cannot have you dragged home can she? Make a new life and find nourishing people to be with, you sound as if you have plenty of good feelings left. I am sorry about your grandmother, sounds as if you were close to her. Just don't let your mother's totally obvious manipulation work on you.
I am dealing with guilt/anger/peace now. I will do whatever it takes to become whole. My ultimate goal, and god willing before she is on her deathbed is that we can take a walk down a street, maybe look at something simple and beautiful together and share a moment of shared silence. appreciating the world around us, and acknowledging that we have different opinions, and that is beautiful. i am going to be there waiting for her.

she cannot legally come get me. i am employed, actually i make more money and have a better deal than she does (or my father's career equiv at this age). there is no way that an adult can be uprooted from the home they choose without a legal battle, with just cause and reason. i am getting back into work, slowly but surely. i have an amazing support group. my boss simply says there is work to be done. i say that to myself in the mornings.

after i posted everything earler, i remembered paul's word of advice before i left acupuncture. focus. keep focusing. i laid on my bed, made well and clean, put a pillow under my legs similar to the acupuncture setup. i repeated the word slowly in my head, focus. and slower. focus. and slower...

a fuzzy image became clearer. it was a light green dot. as it became more intensely green, i saw a cross. there was a halo affect on the periphery. This was real for me.

i just ****** searched green dot and found this with the optical illusion.

God has accepted us in his well—beloved,

7. By whose blood we have redemption, that is to say, forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of his grace,

8. Whereof he has shed abundance upon us in all wisdom and understanding

9. By making us know the secret of his will (according to his good pleasure which he purposed in himself,

10. In order to dispense it when the time was full come), that is to say, to gather all things together by Christ, both the things in heaven and the things on earth, in himself.’

A few minutes later, my kitten sits perfectly on my belly and kneads it as the dot fades away. i am comforted. i am strong.

God is good. A soul is being saved tonight. My life, is not my will. I am good. Peace. i will read ephesians.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 04:23 AM   #6
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

You are getting good help. Hang in there, Sera

 
Old 03-14-2007, 11:05 AM   #7
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

I have gone through what you have with your feelings and what to do. I congratulate you that you are able to do this, it is hard and will only get harder before it gets better. My saving grace is that my step father will get what he deserves when he is called to heaven. My story is too long to post but trust me i have tried to forgive and change and it didnt work so I started to go with the one thing that i knew for sure and that was God. My stepfather would never repent his sins so therefore he can go to hell. I mean that is a literal way not in a snotty kid way lol.

I am 33 years old and have 4 kids and a great husband and even a good ex husband. Wonderful in laws (both sets mind you) and I still cannot hear someone smacking someone else. It brings me back to my room when I was a child and I hear my mom getting hit. I remember not being able to be with someone I cared for bcause I was so afraid dad would hurt me. I remember marrying someone when i was 19 just to get out of my house and stupidly leaving my sister there who was 20 and never forgave myself.

I have dreams of confronting my father and telling him all that I feel and that I dont care for him anymore and wished he would just drop off the face of the earth. BUT he is still wiht my mother(yes stupid woman) and I have to pretend that I know nothing of his wrong doings to my sister when she was young and that he never hit my mom. Yes this is what he tells her that she made it all up. He is almost 60 now and still denies everything but in order to still speak to my mom I just live with it and know that one day Karma will prevail.

Was going to tell you to make sure you are protected and meet her with your dad or someone and let her have it. Tell her everything she did and remind her of what she did to you but i cannot tell you that since that is a personal preferance you have to make. I surely cannot do it due to mother but if i had the chance I would.

I do hope that writing this down helped you and I would most certainly tell anyone who you thought would be a good husband about this. My husband knows about it and has known since i knew him(well also he use to live across the street from me and he was hte guy my dad didnt want me to see but dad used the excuse that he was too old for me. Yes at the time i dont think we would have made it but we eventually did as i got older and matured lol).

good luck with this and great JOB on doing this for yourself you deserve it!

 
Old 03-14-2007, 06:34 PM   #8
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

Ok, so I just got back from THERAPY. Ugh ack yuk. Don't like her. I had a moment with God last night. The therapist is probably an atheist after all the psychotic stuff she has listened to.

I am finding saving grace, and I know how hard it is. Already 1 day in, and it is hard. I am just going to stop the therapy, get on track, start exercising TRY to quit smoking and pull my **** together.

I am the snotty kid, and I feel like an *******. I have tried to break things off between us, but the woman HARRASSES me constantly. I am 27 years old, I should be a functioning adult. I was fine 4 years ago. Somedays I think I should have never moved to Southern California. It was such a soulless place. I do feel like God has intervened now, and is leading me to a man to walk with me in this life. I know that is what I need. I have found volunteer opportunities to give back to orphaned children with art. I could push myself to the limit in my current career, or just take it slow. Work as I can. My therapist says I experienced a major depressive disorder. I did all of this to myself. I should have hit that ***** back years ago, left and never looked back. BUT I always have to look back, and I am too kind to hit ANYONE. Can you tell I have big, bright blue eyes! haha. I do.

I just want to be a mommy. I want to nurture and be nurtured. I need a sensitive man that can help take care of a crazy/beautiful woman.
I have screamed out to God to save me and he is. What else can I do? I just want a nice simple life, with a guiding hand. No more hatred. No more abuse. No more.

I will go back to see my grandmother in May. I need to make arrangements to have my sister pick me up, and I will stay with her in her house in the country. My body is so tweaked out from all of this. I just slump down. I am so tired. BUT for the first time in a LONG time I am starting to feel happy. I want to draw and paint. Something I love, but never made time for in the past 4 years.

I miss my best old girlfriend from college. We let stupid drama break up our friendship. At least I have a few left, and I can count on them.

 
Old 03-14-2007, 06:44 PM   #9
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

i just called my grandmother. I CANNOT cut myself off from here. I told her I found God. She has been praying for all of these years. I really did find God last night. I am QUITTING SMOKING NOW. I am going to LIVE my life in memory of hers!

 
Old 03-14-2007, 06:53 PM   #10
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

yes, i believe i met my future husband through this. he is actually the man healing me!!! he gave me the tools, and i got real with god! we will get there. i knew for sure when i saw they way he looks at me. he watched me walk away yesterday with his head on the door, looking exhausted, and smiling with only the purest LOVE in his eyes. he has god in his soul and heart.

oh believe me my mother is going to GET IT ALL. her day is coming.

I just gotta get BACK INTO the job. This is it for me. The girls at work talked about me right behind my back today. I couldn't stand it. I am a JOKE to the miserable people at work. Well, the JOKE IS ON THEM. I am gonna pull this off with the grace of God, and shine the WHOLE day everyday.

My friend Patricia, who led me to Paul, came by my desk today just to talk to me and she said as loud as she could. You have the most beautiful eyes. They are so pure and blue. RIGHT in front of the office cats. That shut them up. They are ugly inside, and it radiates off them. I am healing. There is no amount of makeup, $$$ cars, fake boobs, none of that will save you girls. You have to save yourself to gain true LOVE from within!

 
Old 03-16-2007, 03:46 PM   #11
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Re: Mother Daughter Full Tilt need support 27 year old woman and 57 year old woman

you guys i am back. i feel like this week i have been to hell and back. i am finally starting to feel better. i just cut contact off with my mother completely. i called my grandmother and told her i love you. it is amazing if you allow people to get to you, then they can destroy you.

everyone just has to rise above it, and get over it.

 
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