Full Tilt. I am in this.
I recently moved to Seattle last April. Back back story is:
abused physically by mother
controlled and manipulated by mother
could only provide a sense of pure love after abusive behavior
college prof. grad 03
moved to california winter 03 with aunt and uncle
auny haunted by demons of her mother/daughter relationship. uncle is a workaholic in the most extreme meaning. homemaker. loss of identity. alcoholic. insomniac. the list is neverending. suprising a loving mother. children are subjected to her behavior outside of personal care for child.
here i am, 2007. i have never had any issues with severe depression, anxiety, emotional outbursts, work, focus etc. i did act out, but i have been trying to hold a mirror to my mother my entire life.
i am 27. the winter here was hard transitioning from california to northwest weather. forced me into a deep depression. took a leave of absence from work. work is the only thing stable in my life and they are standing by me in this battle.
my mother is most definitely touched. she is losing it on me. started slow. started sending me packages at work. i was so lonely, that i accepted them and began to fall into the role she chose for me. i became increasingly more miserable, sucumbing to a long distance affair with an emotionally unavailable man. i wanted to save him. an old friend lives here. she is a lesbian, and they all try to save me. this bit belongs in the sexuality thread, and i am cool with being their friend, but i will always prefer men. i know now that i was born to be a mother and a creator. i am stopping the cycle now.
current work i am doing to control this and make the transition:
1. light dose of antidepressants
2. purging of material objects: all things given to by mother that are unneccessary in my life have been given away. also purging of items that represent immaturity, repression, regression to childhood.
3. acupuncture: we might have an issue here. there is a dynamic between my healer and myself. not a relationship, but a mutual understanding. the man is exorcising my demons in a way, i am a challenge. i cannot think about this now. he is helping with the mother issues
4. psychotherapy: seeing a therapist to work on a long term plan. talking about work now.
5. work: trying to get in part time. work is extremely supportive. the admin woman actually suggested i see a native american indian shaman. i think it is a little extreme, but my point is these people support and practice knowing thyself.
I wrote my father a letter detailing how and why I am stopping all contact with my mother. It was a loving letter. I only expressed how painful it is for me. I expressed how much I love him and her.
I think my mother is going to lose it. I lost it today. I woke up and started the day fresh. It was sunny so I took a drive to absorb some sunshine. My mother calls me 5 times a day since I admitted the depression. When I admitted that it is because of our relationship that I am so stunted, she threatened to have me committed. Her terms. She threatened to drive to WA and get me from the deep south. I told her we need boundaries, and I will call you twice a week, Wed. and Sat.
She calls and screams NO GOODBYE NO GOODBYE
She calls me a liar. This deals with the abuse and my acknowledgement of it. I do not think she is evil. I think she has serious problems and I am stopping this behavior.
I am changing cell #. She will not have it. She can call my home phone. I have caller id. If she comes here, and I will hear of it from an aunt or my father I will have a restraining order placed against her and get into a women's shelter if I have to protect myself. I am sure a friend would open to me, but I am not asking for anyone to protect me. I have to protect myself this time. This is the final battle.
I am not letting her demons get to me. In acupuncture today I had a total melt down. I called my grandmother last night to see how she is doing. She is deteriorating rapidly. My mother has her on a morphine patch. I did not know my mother would be with her when I called. She lied to me. Again manipulating. My grandmother was high on morphine and I could hear my mother prompting her in the background. My grandmother repeated every word my mother said: and this is when this got very very SICK.
My grandmother relayed everything that everyone is doing for her. Who is taking care and when.
I am an architect. I followed my dreams because that is all that I had. I knew I would meet the man of my dreams if I allowed myself to be just that - myself. There was nothing in Mississippi but survivors and despair. I am realizing that all the work had to come from within and I am an amazing woman for doing this. BUT the tears that come during acupuncture. Today I felt like I was being exorcised. I am a sane and functioning adult. After the needles were in and we talked and I let everything out...
I felt as if my entire body was literally spinning, like a suction tunnel of water. then extreme nausea sensation. i felt like it was being purged out of my body. extreme anger and sadness switching back and forth. body was twitching. i let it go. then after i let it go, things slowed down, and i found peace. focusing on colors.
i have never in my life let a man see me in this state. i have never allowed myself to be in this state. when i left, i was obvisously very mixed up. it was hard to have a calm conversation with him afterwards. i look up when leaving and i see him leaning against the door looking at me and smiling.
ladies, this is the most difficult day of my life. i am doing this. hopefully, from this point i can start to focus on work again. i can start a new routine. i am now a butterfly.